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Feeling Hopeless Today


Rosaline

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Hi, I'm new here but have been reading the forums for a while. I want to thank everyone for providing this space and contributing so much valuable information. I guess I'm a sexual who is married to an asexual and I decided to post because although I'm grateful for what others have written, I have never directly talked to anyone about this subject other than my wife and think it might be time. I apologize if it is the longest post ever written and I have no expectations for anyone to actually read it or respond.

 

For a little background, I'm in my mid 30's and my wife is in her early 40's. We have been together for almost 7 years and for the first two we were very sexually active. Admittedly by both of us, it was the best we've ever experienced and to be frank, it was unreal (in a good way). By the time we got married our sex life had begun to slow down (I took that as a normal part of long-term relationships) until gradually becoming nonexistent. In the beginning, she told me here and there that in the past she has never experienced a desire like this and I guess I just took that as a compliment. But when things started to shift and we started talking about it, she told me she thought she might be asexual. But she also gave me other excuses like her hemorrhoids were acting up, or she was tired, or stressed from work etc. so it was very confusing. I started to drink more because it was the only thing I found that killed my libido. That, however was obviously not a healthy choice and in turn made her feel distant from me and caused a lack of a "trust connection" (her words) which she was completely justified in feeling. I've since stopped drinking completely (for about 5 months) which I thought might help but still nothing has changed. That leads up to current day, where it's been almost a year since we've had sex. And this past weekend we basically had a blow out fight re: our sex life and for the first time I really began to entertain the fact that she might indeed be asexual. I think one of the reasons it took me so long to believe this is because she's talked about how much sex she's had throughout her life, and that she's "had every kind of sex imaginable" with many different partners, and when we were first dating she was still "sexting" with her ex (didn't bother me too much because we were so new). But at this point I just don't know where to turn to. As a married couple, we are "monogamous" which is what we both want 100%. I've never been a jealous person, but since we stopped having sex, I find myself acting mental when she talks about other female friends or coworkers a lot (like my mind is telling me the old saying "if they're not doing it with you, they're doing it with someone else). But deep down, I truly feel she is completely committed to me (even before I read the forums). She tells me daily how much she loves me and I truly believe her. That's why it's so hard for me. I love her more than anything and anyone but I don't know how to deal with the other emotions connected to the physical side of our relationship. Mentally I know she loves me, but emotionally/physically I do not feel that she does.

 

After reading and trying to understand asexuality, I feel like a horrible person. I used to feel like a very patient person all things considered, but I now know that I have said the exact wrong thing many times, invalidating where she's coming from and putting on pressure. She deserves so much more. I feel so guilty for wanting sex- especially in a climate where sex is either shoved down your throat like it's the only thing that matters or it's shameful, evil and non-consensual. But for me, and for many others on here it seems, it's more about the spiritual connection, the intimate gift you share only with your partner. During our fight this weekend, she yelled that it's always just about "F******" but that really broke my heart, because to me it's so much more. It's about physically showing love instead of just words, I want her to desire me and look at me the way she used to. I'm not saying it doesn't feel good, or that it's not fun and exciting etc. I just feel like sharing that passion is one of the things that makes all the shit in life bearable. 

 

I was raised very conservative and religious and indoctrinated to save yourself for marriage. Now I am much more open-minded and not religious at all (not to mention a lesbian) but I can't help but carry a sadness that I went so long as a suppressed sexual person. On the scale, I don't think I'm too far on the sexual side, but it is still very important to me just the same. If I was to be completely honest with what I think my "needs" would look like, I would guess somewhere between 3-4 times per month (but I could be wrong- it could be more or less- I don't even know). All I know right now is that I'm getting to a point where I feel depressed, angry, sad, bitter, lonely, and insecure all the time. I hate myself for placing that much emphasis on the physical aspect of the relationship. I try so hard not to correlate it with the way I look or my sexual performance but cognitively I fail most of the time (I struggle with body dysmorphia so my head is not friendly to me sometime). Even though intellectually I know it's not true, I can't help but internally feel it is a direct response to my own inadequacy. And the last thing I want is to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me in that way. For a while I wondered why she wasn't even willing to do small things like maybe just use a toy, or be next to me while I you-know-what when she wasn't in the mood, just to show that she still cared a little bit. But the more I learn about asexuality, the more of a turn-off that would be for me. I'm not sure where she is exactly on the scale (if I had to guess it would jump back and forth between being okay with having sex once in a while to more often being repulsed by the thought), but to think that we could work out a "compromise" where she ever had sex when she wasn't totally into it is just crushing to me. The next option of opening up the relationship also is not what I want. Thinking about being with someone else, or her being with someone else makes my stomach turn (not that it's not a great option for some people- but the physical response I get from the thought seems pretty clear for me personally). 

 

I have a friend who I watched go through years in a relationship where she never wanted to have sex and thought she might be asexual. Turns out, he wasn't the best partner to her and when they finally broke up she started dating and thoroughly enjoying sex again. Similarly, I went through the same thing for the two years I was with my boyfriend in college- but turns out I was just gay. This kind of thing causes me to wonder if I'm just not the right person for her- again, I've read here about other people having that same thought process, but I just can't help feeling hopeless because of it. I'm at a point where I'm beginning to burst into tears for no reason in the middle of the day- at the grocery store, in my car, at night in bed trying not to let her hear me. I feel so much guilt for making her feel inadequate. She said she feels like something is wrong with her, and that kills me when I know that's the farthest thing from the truth, coming from the person I have the most admiration for in the world. She is so incredible in so many ways and so very good to me in so many ways. We've talked about seeking therapy, but usually ends in saying we don't need a shrink to tell her she needs to have more sex, or tell me I need to want sex with her less. And it's very difficult for us to talk about it in general and ever come to any resolution. Sometimes I'm afraid I will get to a point where I don't want to have sex with her or be close to her anymore either. I'm so very sorry if I have rambled on, or come off sounding entitled, inconsiderate, selfish. I just feel so hopeless and I don't know what to do anymore. She is my heart, and I feel like I cannot live without my heart. But I also don't know how to get over the way I feel about this subject and I don't know if I can live like this either. I wish someone could give us all the answers, but since that's highly unlikely- just thanks for listening to whoever's out there. 

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never come out as an Asexual to my family because they're conservative to the point of scoffing at the LGBT+ community, so I'm happy at least you were able to overcome that, and your wife trusted you enough to tell you.
But I don't know what advice I can offer you beyond a compromise.
I have no experience I can draw on to help you because I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Communication is key. It's amazing how many problems can be solved when two people sit down and have a serious discussion about what's bothering them.

 

You seem like you genuinely want to understand what's going on with your wife and want what's best for her. Asexuality can be hard to understand, even for us asexuals, and it looks different for each asexual. So if you want to know what your wife is feeling, then the only way to do that is to talk to her. Ask what she felt in the past when she did have sex, and what she feels now. Listen to her, and make sure that she understands that you love her and are not judging her.

 

It's also important that both of you are fulfilled in this relationship. Do you think that you could give her time and space without mentioning sex? It might be helpful to give her some tome to sort herself out. She's probably just as confused as you are. If giving her time isn't something that you can do, that's okay. We're all entitled to our feelings. Again this is where communication is key. It's important that when you talk to her about the physical side of your relationship, it's not just about sex to you. Tell her that it's part of how you feel loved and cared for. Make sure she knows that you want to do the same for her.

 

In the end, the two of you will probably have to compromise. Would she be willing to have sex on rare occasion? Would you be willing to take care of yourself so to speak? Is it even possible for you to remain together with such different interests?

 

These sort of things can't be worked out by simply ignoring the problem. A calm adult conversation without insults or yelling is the only way this sort of thing can be worked out peacefully.

 

(I apologize if I was too blunt at any point.)

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36 minutes ago, Rosaline said:

We've talked about seeking therapy, but usually ends in saying we don't need a shrink to tell her she needs to have more sex, or tell me I need to want sex with her less.

One place therapy can help is just generally working through your emotions together/in front of one another.  It sounds like there’s more to work on than just sex - drinking more than you feel is healthy, body dysmorphia, trust issues, changes in the relationship - and addressing how you are both affected by some of that may at least make the sex situation (how much is orientation, how much is other pressures interfering with intimacy in general) clearer.

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I'm pretty sure almost every sexual partner on here understands exactly what you're going through. We've donewrhw anger and guilt and worthlessness things too. 

 

Maybe you should consider counselling to help with your feelings -you can't change her, but you can lok after yourself.

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1 hour ago, lonelyace said:

It's also important that both of you are fulfilled in this relationship. Do you think that you could give her time and space without mentioning sex? It might be helpful to give her some tome to sort herself out. She's probably just as confused as you are. If giving her time isn't something that you can do, that's okay. We're all entitled to our feelings. Again this is where communication is key. It's important that when you talk to her about the physical side of your relationship, it's not just about sex to you. Tell her that it's part of how you feel loved and cared for. Make sure she knows that you want to do the same for her.

 

In the end, the two of you will probably have to compromise. Would she be willing to have sex on rare occasion? Would you be willing to take care of yourself so to speak? Is it even possible for you to remain together with such different interests?

I actually rarely mention sex, but it seems it's just always there. Like she knows when I'm thinking about it or at least assumes I am when we are alone together in bed or whatnot. I want to give her time and space etc. but I thought that's what I was doing the whole time during this past year (but clearly not). And honestly, I used to "take care of myself" a couple times per month, but it started to feel so lonely that I'm at a point where I'm just too depressed to do that anymore. I'm not sure if it is possible for us to stay together, but I do know that it's what we both want. 

 

Quote

These sort of things can't be worked out by simply ignoring the problem. A calm adult conversation without insults or yelling is the only way this sort of thing can be worked out peacefully.

 

(I apologize if I was too blunt at any point.)

Thank you and you are not being too blunt at all. I agree with you that calm, mature, communication is best. I am just finding it more and more difficult not to get emotional when talking about this subject and I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and make her feel bad. 

 

1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm pretty sure almost every sexual partner on here understands exactly what you're going through. We've donewrhw anger and guilt and worthlessness things too. 

 

Maybe you should consider counselling to help with your feelings -you can't change her, but you can lok after yourself.

Thank you, that is a good point and I am currently trying to find a therapist for myself to address all of these issues. It's just so difficult to find the right one (the last three I've seen in the last two years have all turned out to either shame me in one way or another, cost being too high, and one ended up having a bunch of mutual friends so I didn't feel comfortable opening up 😕 ) But I'm still looking and this is encouragement not to give up on the search. 

 

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

One place therapy can help is just generally working through your emotions together/in front of one another.  It sounds like there’s more to work on than just sex - drinking more than you feel is healthy, body dysmorphia, trust issues, changes in the relationship - and addressing how you are both affected by some of that may at least make the sex situation (how much is orientation, how much is other pressures interfering with intimacy in general) clearer.

And another good point re: couples therapy- I guess it wouldn't hurt to try, at this point I'm not sure what we have to lose. I've noticed in the last year I've become more anxious whenever we even have a short kiss- my whole face tightens up and my head starts worrying about all the little things like if she even wants to, or if I'm even doing it right anymore (thus becoming a full-filling prophesy I'm sure). Before I knew about asexuality, I often worried that if she one day woke up and started to want sex, that I wouldn't be able to relax enough to even do anything. And I think this stems from those other things as well. Thank you. 

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Ramble away. Nothing like someone else's problems to distract us from our own 😛

 

Jokes apart, several different issues in your post.

  • About that perspective on therapy. As someone who has helped a LOT of people address issues (similar training, but am not a professional therapist), you are both right and wrong. Most of the times, a therapist is little more than a neutral third party that can hold the space for you two (de-escalate confrontations to allow conversation, keep things on track, suggest middle ground. The actual talking will have to be done by you two and well.... you won't say anything you are unwilling to say otherwise. BUT when two people can't solve problems on their own, a third party is very useful to help efforts progress. Success is not guaranteed, but it is a more effective step to try when usual efforts have failed. There are qualities this third party must have - most importantly, a very high ability to deal with emotions and interpersonal issues, maturity and an ability to not turn a mediation situation into a captive audience for their own profoundness. Many wise people in our lives are like that. Therapists are just trained to be like that (not that it means they are all good - just a slightly more reliable source for that third person). If you are averse to therapists, you could try asking a mutual friend or relative you both respect to assist you.
  • If you are monogamous and the issue is that you can't think of having a relationship with someone else, perhaps you could try transitioning your existing relationship to a QPR and having another sexual relationship as your ONLY sexual relationship - it is worth a thought.
  • You will get a lot of wisdom here and ideas and so on, but it is going to boil down to the need for communication, the need for a mutually agreeable way forward, one/both person/s suffering in the relationship or breaking off. Not a whole load of choices in that sense. The "mutually agreeable" is considered by most to be an ideal solution when they don't want to break off. But it isn't exactly problem free. Takes a lot of effort, a hell of a lot of talking, both parties being committed to ensuring the joy of BOTH people in the relationship, some dumb luck, a lot of time and no guarantees.
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Oof. I don't have much to add, I think @anamikanon's right that both partners need to want to communicate.

 

My partner and I -- ok mostly me -- benefited from therapy. We both did it individually. I have a LGBTQIA+ therapist who I intended to talk about gender stuff with. (He got a different one later.) Gender ended up being a secondary issue when she suggested my partner might be asexual... (which he ended up agreeing with, we've been together for well over a decade...)

 

Anyway, I'm not sure but... it wasn't couples therapy, but an LGBTQIA+ specializing practice, and about understanding each other's orientations, and adapting to be better for each other. Nobody telling us we needed to change.

 

I don't think it could work without communication! But I'm also glad we ended up where we did in therapy (a coincidence due to my gender stuff?), with therapists who accepted the orientations as "given" -- and we worked within that.

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I think the first step is to figure out where she stands on sex. You guess at ok to repulsed, but she needs to tell you. And the how do we each feel convo is going to be hard to reach when you have both said hurtful things over it out of not understanding each other. So, a therapist could help you reach that. 

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9 hours ago, Rosaline said:

We've talked about seeking therapy, but usually ends in saying we don't need a shrink to tell her she needs to have more sex, or tell me I need to want sex with her less

Echoing what others have said here - therapists help with the journey, not the destination. There's a lot of self-discovery that needs to happen on the way, regardless of the outcome of the sessions.

 

I also second (fourth? fifth? whatever we're on, now =]) the communication. In a relationship where physical communication isn't an option, it has to be verbal (and I say this as a notorious shut-upper in wrought situations).

 

It sounds like both of you are firmly entrapped in your own heads, at the moment; she's convinced you want sex all the time, and you're so terrified of sending her the wrong signals that you can't even enjoy a kiss anymore. This is an uncomfortable starting point for this sort of conversation, but it's only going to get worse if it is left unaddressed. I imagine, at this point, it's going to take a lot of emotional starts and stops before the conversation gets flowing with any sort of ease... give yourselves the freedom to have those emotions. Sit down, tell her you can't start without getting emotional, ask her for her understanding, assure her you know she's in the same position, and then start talking. Let yourself be angry, let yourself be sad, let yourself even be resentful - and give her the opportunity to be those things, too. Once all of that is out of the way (days and weeks though that may take), both of you will be in a way better place to have a conversation about what sex and love mean to you.

 

One of my biggest hurdles personally in my relationship with my ace partner is that I also have suffered from severe insecurities my whole life; my ex-husband was quite vocal in his distaste for certain aspects of my body. I am very afraid of putting myself in a vulnerable situation and opening myself up to rejection. But I told my partner this very early on in our relationship (he told me he was ace before we started dating), and he has reassured me time and time again, with deep sincerity, that this isn't something he ever wants to do. I think we've both accepted that it could happen, still, because he can't help how he feels about sex and I can't help feeling rejected, but even just owning that acceptance has made things much easier for me. Something else that has been crucial to our partnership has been learning each others love languages, as cheesy as that sounds. Little things, like sending me puppy pictures when he senses I'm stressed, or crafting high-tier endgame weapons for me (we, um, game... a lot), or just sending me notes or doodles or care packages filled with trinkets he's come across that remind him of me... all of these little things. For one thing, it's taught me to be more observant, and for another, it's given me an immense appreciation for how many other ways there are to express love. Turns out I'd rather know I'm on his mind as he goes through his daily tedium, rather than when I'm sat right in front of (or under =D) him.

 

This is a complicated situation with a lot of valid and intense feelings on all sides. It may turn out that even after your soul-searching - together and as individuals - you decide that you are not a compatible fit - and that is a painful but perfectly okay conclusion. But, of course, you owe it to each other to come to that decision as a team. I hope that that isn't the outcome, and that you can figure something else out, instead, but there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship that isn't working for the people involved.

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12 hours ago, Chimeric said:

I also second (fourth? fifth? whatever we're on, now =]) the communication. In a relationship where physical communication isn't an option, it has to be verbal (and I say this as a notorious shut-upper in wrought situations).

 

Wow, I've never actually thought about it like this before but I'm definitely more quiet in general and think my love language is using physical communication more and she is much more verbal (in all areas). I'm becoming more convinced that having a third party in a therapy setting can help us navigate that difference. Seriously, thanks for helping make this all make more sense. 

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Therapy can definitely help separate difficulty communicating from difficulty accepting the message.  When people struggle to communicate, that can be hard to do.

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