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Selfish lover?


Slartibartfastlost

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Slartibartfastlost

Hi all,

I'm a sexual in a mixed orientation relationship with a sex-positive ace. One of the things I'm having a hard time with is that I've always been told that it's very bad to be a selfish lover. From my understanding of asexuality and my wife is that she doesn't mind doing it, but is only interested in fulfilling my needs. This feels bad (?) I guess because it feels like I'm being selfish in the bedroom even though rationally I know that her needs lie elsewhere. Has anyone else been through this? Thanks everyone

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Hi, welcome to AVEN! 🍰

I'm a bit confused by what you mean by "selfish lover". Do you feel guilty that she's having sex with you despite not feeling sexual attraction?

 

If so, don't feel guilty 😊 Your needs are just as important as hers. In my opinion, the key to making an ace-allo relationship work (or any relationship for that matter), is honest and open communication and finding a compromise where you're both content. It seems that the compromise that you have found as a couple is that she doesn't mind sex and is perfectly happy to have it for you? If you're both happy with that situation, then there's no problem

 

 But if you haven't already, I would recommend talking to your wife about it. Just to double-check that she isn't unhappy with having sex. Good luck! 😊

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Hey @Slartibartfastlost, good to have you here!

 

Oh boy, yes, I absolutely struggled with this, and still do, but less acutely. It helps a lot to be communicating about my feelings of guilt/worry & checking that it's okay.

 

But then I even talked to my therapist about worrying that I "check in" too much, such that he feels pressured to compromise. Because him reassuring me could mean... him feeling like he's now committed to being "ok". It felt like it's "damned if I do, damned if I don't"! Eventually I think both he and my therapist told me I need to chill: accept that he's an adult and has the capability to decide & I shouldn't second-guess his consent.

 

One thing I do that helps me feel less selfish is expressing gratitude. Especially afterwards. So: I give myself permission to ask for things that feel selfish in the bedroom. But then, after, I am very thankful. Verbally thankful & expressing happiness about it, plus maybe I try to repay with some chores. Knowing I'll be expressing gratitude later makes it easier to let myself be "selfish" in the bedroom.

 

I think the gratitude also helps keep up a positive feedback loop, as my partner hears that it *did* make me happy (which is his motivation) and he feels more positive about doing it in the future (instead of feeling inadequate, which could happen if I seem dissatisfied despite his effort).

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Heh, I think my partner felt this a little. I mostly want to meet their needs, in doing so, I meet my own. We talked about it cause they felt I didnt actually want since I was just doing them the majority of the time. But, I actually love doing that. Its fun and pleasing. 

 

Being a selfish lover is denying your partner what they want to fulfill your own needs. For me, what makes a person a selfish lover is insisting on focusing on me and trying to give me an orgasm when I dont want one, for their own sense of ego. 

 

So... really, if your wife doesnt want you to focus on her you are doing the exact opposite of being a selfish lover. You are being an understanding and considerate lover. 

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30 minutes ago, Serran said:

Being a selfish lover is denying your partner what they want to fulfill your own needs. For me, what makes a person a selfish lover is insisting on focusing on me and trying to give me an orgasm when I dont want one, for their own sense of ego. 

This!

 

It’s selfish to insist on doing something they mind doing, but not to ask for what you want amongst the things they’re good, fine, or okay with.

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Slartibartfastlost

Thank you so much for the advice everyone. Your words make total sense to me and I feel much better about the topic. Y'all are such wonderful people ❤️❤️❤️

 

@Slice, your assumptions are absolutely correct about our situation and there definitely isn't a problem. I'm just working through my feelings with y'all's help :)

 

@anisotropic, it means so much to me that you had had a similar experience. I had a lot of doubts in my mind if expressing my gratitude was self serving in itself, but you absolutely make sense and I'll see it in a very different light from now on! 

 

@serran, I think the ego thing is something that I'm dealing with, but it makes so much sense to me that by insisting on giving someone something they don't desire, I would be the selfish one in the scenario! Thank you, so much.

 

@ryn2, I will absolutely be taking that to heart!

 

thank you everyone ❤️❤️❤️

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17 hours ago, Slartibartfastlost said:

Hi all,

I'm a sexual in a mixed orientation relationship with a sex-positive ace. One of the things I'm having a hard time with is that I've always been told that it's very bad to be a selfish lover. From my understanding of asexuality and my wife is that she doesn't mind doing it, but is only interested in fulfilling my needs. This feels bad (?) I guess because it feels like I'm being selfish in the bedroom even though rationally I know that her needs lie elsewhere. Has anyone else been through this? Thanks everyone

I think someone is only a selfish lover if they do not try to do what their partner wants.  If you partner doesn't want you to do sexual things for them, but is happy doing them for you, then IMHO you are not a "selfish lover".  That said, are there non-sexual thing that you can do for your partner so that you are not a "selfish person"?

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20 hours ago, Serran said:

For me, what makes a person a selfish lover is insisting on focusing on me and trying to give me an orgasm when I dont want one, for their own sense of ego. 

Exactly. Perfectly said. That was what really helped me stop feeling guilty over being the only one in our relationships who got all that sexual pleasure.

It can also be helpful to recall an annoying grandma or another relative who tried to forcefeed us some “delicious” pickle or something else we absolutely hate just because they thought, “It’s so great! He/she must try it!”. I’m sure we all have had such experiences in our life, so we can relate to what aces feel when we try to “treat” them to some great sex.)

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On 11/10/2018 at 2:24 PM, Slartibartfastlost said:

Hi all,

I'm a sexual in a mixed orientation relationship with a sex-positive ace. One of the things I'm having a hard time with is that I've always been told that it's very bad to be a selfish lover. From my understanding of asexuality and my wife is that she doesn't mind doing it, but is only interested in fulfilling my needs. This feels bad (?) I guess because it feels like I'm being selfish in the bedroom even though rationally I know that her needs lie elsewhere. Has anyone else been through this? Thanks everyone

Don't judge her reasons for wanting to be with you as "not good enough". For many, sex is emotional and wanting to pleasure a partner is a valid emotional goal.

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8 hours ago, Lara Black said:

Exactly. Perfectly said. That was what really helped me stop feeling guilty over being the only one in our relationships who got all that sexual pleasure.

It can also be helpful to recall an annoying grandma or another relative who tried to forcefeed us some “delicious” pickle or something else we absolutely hate just because they thought, “It’s so great! He/she must try it!”. I’m sure we all have had such experiences in our life, so we can relate to what aces feel when we try to “treat” them to some great sex.)

This made me laugh! I wish there were more icons to react with! 

 

It makes perfectly sense, though. When we, the sexuals, forgets, that not everybody is wired like us. Worst case scenario sounds close to a violation or even a rape. “Come on, honey! You know you want it, rigth!? You dont really want me to stop!”

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On 11/10/2018 at 10:17 AM, Slice of Ace said:

 

Do you feel guilty that she's having sex with you despite not feeling sexual attraction?

 

If so, don't feel guilty 😊 Your needs are just as important as hers. In my opinion, the key to making an ace-allo relationship work (or any relationship for that matter), is honest and open communication and finding a compromise where you're both content. It seems that the compromise that you have found as a couple is that she doesn't mind sex and is perfectly happy to have it for you? If you're both happy with that situation, then there's no problem

 

 But if you haven't already, I would recommend talking to your wife about it. Just to double-check that she isn't unhappy with having sex. Good luck! 😊

I almost started crying. Thank you. I was feeling so lost.  Same story here, I'm a sexual in a relationship with an ace whom I like too much to let go before trying my best to make it work.

She told me only recently about her indifference towards sex but also willingness to give me what I need.. and I felt so wrong and selfish and.. I needed this answer. I'm feeling a bit relieved now. 

I should print it and read it whenever in need x)

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I've been here. I found it really helps to remember that indifference to sex doesn't mean indifference to you.

 

As long as you're both open and happy with and consent to what you're doing (it helps to find something to laugh about too!) then there's no foul as I see it. We also found it helped to work the sex itself in amongst other activities that we both love, so if you like it's just a small part of a whole big mutually satisfying thing that I just happen to enjoy more.

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