Hetero Greyromantic and Homosexual?

[estrangedkjf]

DISCLAIMER: I know this story is a mess, but I am not trolling and this story is real. I am asking for your advice because my friend's think I'm a "crazy snowflake"

 

First off, I'm not a big fan of labels, but I understand why they are needed or felt to be needed as a sense of belonging and acceptance. 

 

Why I don't have a preoccupation with labels is because I don't know what I am sexually or romantically. If people ask I usually say I'm bisexual, but this has hindered my intimate relationships. When I was young I knew I liked girls because my first "crush" was a girl and I had never found any interest in boys until I hit around 13. I suddenly had an odd attraction to men, but it was very different than my attraction women. I just assumed that I was into girls and I wanted to be more like the men I was attracted to.

 

Once I met a girl who I thought I loved. I spent every moment I could to be around her and I wanted her to like me. Unfortunately, she started acting strange and things went downhill with her after that. To explain my attraction to her was that I was in love, but not romantic, friendlike, or infatuation. I cared so deeply about her and I loved everything about her. I wanted to be with her in a way where we could share a bond that was much larger than friendship, but not romantic. We did come close once to dating, she had asked me out and I declined. I was so fond of the idea of being close to her and possibly holding her hand and her head on my chest, but I didn't like the idea of romance and found no interest in her and society's idea of a romantic relationship. 

 

A year later, I met a boy who I found very physically attractive. He asked me out and I didn't hesitate to say yes because I found him attractive. We dated for 2.5 years and it was a rollercoaster. He would tell me that I'm not "romantically available" and that "He doesn't feel appreciated" which lead to me reassure him that I loved him even though I was never really sure. To be quite frank, the only good thing about our relationship was the sexual aspect. He had even said on multiple occasions that he felt like we were just friends with benefits. I know it sounds horrible that I continued a nearly 3-year relationship with someone I was attracted to, but he had quickly became one of my closest friends. When he broke up with because he didn't feel like I loved him, it devastated me because I did love him, but not in the way he wanted. Just as a friend.

 

After that I found myself having a lot of sexual encounters with men. It was satisfying for me because I didn't need to meet anyone's romantic needs. I tried dating some of the men, but the relationships didn't last long because there was just no connection.

 

Then I met a girl. Thought I was in love, but she didn't live that I didn't want to have sex with her. Blah, blah, blah.

 

This is in no way me intentionally trying to be transphobic.

About 3 years ago, I had met someone who then identified as a girl and I felt as if I was in love with them, but I had no sexual attraction. We stopped talking and we lost contact for a bit. One day they message me on social media and I had seen that they had changed their name to a more masculine name. We talked and they told me that they are transitioning. We've been talking for consistently for a while now, and I've realized this: 1) The only reason I don't want a relationship with him is that I like being alone 2) I believe he's aromantic so it wouldn't work out 3) I'm sexually attracted to him because of his appearance, but mostly his personality. He's made feel like I'm just some regular gay dude who needed to find the right person, but I'm not sure if I'm just a regular ol' homorantic homosexual man.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

[kaysir]

13 hours ago, estrangedkjf said:

I believe he's aromantic so it wouldn't work out

I have hear of men only falling in love with women but being sexually attracted to men. I don't know how many end up falling in love with men too once they explore it more, and I don't know if you might. Do you think you might be aromantic, or is your romantic attraction just extremely different from most people around you?

 

Also, if you don't feel romantic attraction toward men/this particular man, why is it a problem if he is aromantic? Is he against dating?

[estrangedkjf]

Most of my confusion is that I don’t understand what romantic attraction is or if it has a fluid definition. My closest friends strongly believe I’m romantically attracted to him, but obviously they are not me and most of them don’t believe in aromaticism.

 

As for the boy, he has expressed no interest in any sort of relationship with anyone besides platonic. 

 

I think I just like having a connection with someone that isn’t superficial. I’m just confused, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter.