Romantic relationships and pressure to commit.

[Ravenboots]

I feel there are a LOT of people who fall into the category of being in the mid to late twenty's (or older) who have this pressure to settle down and find that person in their life-but also like...why?! 

 

I wan't a romantic relationships where I fall in love and find that person I want to truly connect with on a deeper level (more along a romantic than platonic relationship but like you can take the sex out the picture) but when it comes down to it there is a total lack of commitment on both ends. Firstly it has been over a year since I last even TRIED dating. Dating terrifies me like "ERGHHHHH no thanks!" but at the same time i'm like "OMG I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED OMG FML" kinda deal- totally conflicting, yay! 

 

Whenever I try the whole dating site or app thing I have to consider that 1) this is all public and i'm not "out" as ace 2) The pressure to tell people and EXPLAIN myself (particularly to non-ace peeps) its a whole ordeal and its really frustrating! Honestly, there is like nothing to connect fellow ace peeps on a romantic level besides a few "dating sites" which are pretty useless unless you are OUT for the world to see you fly the purple flag and i'm not ready for that. Perhaps we need like a dating thread for countries on AVEN?

 

Thats not even taking on the pressures of family and friends who clearly want to see me happy and in a relationship. This just further puts pressure on the situation of being in my late 20's and literally having nobody in my life on a long term basis and being made to feel like i'm either falling behind or just plain undesirable all around. This does wonders for self confidence as you can imagine but at the same time I know i shouldn't be comparing myself to others-but I do lol.

 

Its honestly debilitating being single and alone and feeling ashamed about it which is made worse by my own desire to have a relationship and to not die alone and be forgotten. It's pretty annoying truly. 

 

P.s

Sorry I truly just need a good winge as this has been weighing on me for a good period of time and I do feel there are a lot of people who relate. 

[FerlynnGoldbeard]

Nah, I wouldn't worry too much. Age is really just a number isn't it? It's absolutely ridiculous to think that you need to reach certain predetermined milestones by a specific age. Take your time and just do you. One of my good friends is 35, and her boyfriend is almost 50. It's certainly better to wait and find someone that you jive with and find special than to settle for someone you don't love. You shouldn't feel the need to settle for someone who is sexual anymore than someone who is homosexual settling for a heterosexual SO (I hope that made sense). It may take a bit of time, but I'm sure you'll find someone that you truly love and someone who completes you. Until then, I wish you well on your journey. ❤️

[Purple Wanderer]

I like being single. I like being in a relationship. If it happens it happens...

 

It amuses me how horrified people look if you say your happy single and don't care if you find anyone. 

[ponz]

I'm in my late 20's as well, and for many years I kinda felt like I'd "missed the train" on settling down (largely because all my former high school friends were long married and had a kid or 2), so I totally get what you mean.  It's really common these days for people to not be married or anything even in their 30's, though.  I have a ton of current friends who are single and have been that way for years.  XD

 

And when it comes to dating apps, I honestly can't even imagine using them.  Dating that way seems so awkward and stressful.  >_<  I've found the best way to start dating is to be friends with them first.  If you're ok with a long distance relationship, it's not as difficult to "come out" to friends in an online group and see if anyone there seems receptive (that you also click with).  Once you find a proper partner, it might be easier to tell your irl friends and family about being asexual, as well.

[Ravenboots]

On 11/8/2018 at 9:05 AM, Purple Wanderer said:

I like being single. I like being in a relationship. If it happens it happens...

 

It amuses me how horrified people look if you say your happy single and don't care if you find anyone. 

I do agree-it is quite funny how taken aback people get when you are like "meh" and they have the panic in their eyes. 

 

How could anybody possibly be HAPPY alone?!!! (literally my whole life lol!) 

 

[Ravenboots]

On 11/8/2018 at 9:14 AM, ponz said:

I'm in my late 20's as well, and for many years I kinda felt like I'd "missed the train" on settling down (largely because all my former high school friends were long married and had a kid or 2), so I totally get what you mean.  

Absolutely, it is-its just like this massive pressure I feel a lot of people (particularly woman) have in their late twenties to mid-thirties to settle down. I think for me its just loneliness and finding somebody to connect with-all around me people find it so easy and it can feel like I am invisible. I think as well now everybody around me is in the part of their lives where they are settling down I end up feeling like I miss out because they go into their own "bubble" (which by the way-not mad at its just a fact of life lol!)

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And when it comes to dating apps, I honestly can't even imagine using them.  Dating that way seems so awkward and stressful.  >_<

Dating apps are the worst-i think i have decided nooooope! I do wish on here there was something since ppl all congregate on here but like at the same time like it is soooo stressful. I guess if any single ace boys want to chat hit me up 😂

 

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Once you find a proper partner, it might be easier to tell your irl friends and family about being asexual, as well.

I think with family and friends I don't want the judgement. I already get a lot of people thinking that I am hiding my sexuality (which is true-but they all think I'm a lesbian and I already get shitty comments with the thought of me being "gay"-let alone ace-they just are not the kind of people to get it-i have tried and often get the same "its a phase"-a 28 year old phase OK! Basically until i am financially independant and all that I don't have plans. As for friends most of them either have a general idea but i have not been outwardly "im ace!!!" to them; mostly because on the few occasions I have broached the subject they try to change the subject etc- and since I have so few friends IRL I don't want to risk loosing what I have because of something so stupid as being Ace. Eventually the time will come but i think they need a few more years of buttering up before I truly fly that purple flag lol!  

[everywhere and nowhere]

I don't want to "settle down" and for my family it's rather clear that I most likely never will. I won't have sex, won't have children, won't be in a different-sex relationship and also wouldn't like to live with a partner. But still I do want companionship and I seem to scare people away...

[Zaiin]

On 11/9/2018 at 5:56 AM, puddlewarts said:

its just loneliness and finding somebody to connect with-all around me people find it so easy and it can feel like I am invisible

Oh boy, does this hit home. It sucks and it stinks and it bloody hurts. Sometimes it feels everybody got this instruction booklet on how to connect with others, but the thing never made it into my hands. Striking up a conversation with unknown people is still not on the top of my list, so I am trying to practice it as much as I can/want.

 

On 11/9/2018 at 5:56 AM, puddlewarts said:

I think as well now everybody around me is in the part of their lives where they are settling down I end up feeling like I miss out because they go into their own "bubble"

Never mind being the third wheel, getting somebody to hang-out is quite a challenge. Especially if you want to travel somewhere, since all of your paired friends only go places with their significant other. Can't imagine, how it will be like, when babies enter the picture. The solution I've found so far is to make new friends, which is still a work in progress.

[Lara Black]

Hello, @puddlewarts

When people say that the dating scene is not for aces, I as a sexual person often respond that it’s for nobody. Honestly, I know very few people who found someone through e-dating.

What about just socializing, making good friends and keeping your eyes open for someone who could be your partner? When you have an active social life and plenty of friends, there’s little time to obsess about having no partner. Furthermore, if you’re trying too hard to find The One, chances are, you can’t find them – love has this tricky habit of jumping at you from your blind spot – coming when you’re not really waiting for it, not trying to force it.

It could also help to realistically imagine what your partner could be like (what personality traits are you drawn to?) and how you could meet them. For example, I know that I shoot down anyone who actively tries to approach me, and it takes me quite some time to become comfortable around a person. Which means that clubs, dating sites, short-time arrangements are just not for me relationship-wise. When I’d figured that out it because much easier to figure out where my potential partner could be found.

Good luck!

[Ravenboots]

On 11/20/2018 at 2:24 AM, Zaiin said:

Oh boy, does this hit home. It sucks and it stinks and it bloody hurts. Sometimes it feels everybody got this instruction booklet on how to connect with others, but the thing never made it into my hands. Striking up a conversation with unknown people is still not on the top of my list, so I am trying to practice it as much as I can/want.

 

Never mind being the third wheel, getting somebody to hang-out is quite a challenge. Especially if you want to travel somewhere, since all of your paired friends only go places with their significant other. Can't imagine, how it will be like, when babies enter the picture. The solution I've found so far is to make new friends, which is still a work in progress.

Thank you-seems like the two of us relate lol! I find making friends really hard and getting older it only gets harder lol! 

[Squirrel Combat]

Dating is lame. I've tried it at least 28 times now. When I meet a lady, either were friendly for a very long time or I do everything possible to expedite the pre-date small talk nonsense. Rarely works out well. 

 

I try not to dwell on my many unsuccesses, I'm only starting to plan out how to go through life with a few in person friends as I can manage. I don't want too many people to know me personally. That said, I am always on the lookout for that "special lady" who want to be part of my esoteric life. 3.75 billion women. She's gotta be out there.

 

There are just as many guys, so there is bound to be at least one. 

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

Finding a romantic relationship is certainly one of the biggest social expectations which can cause a hell of mental pressure but I wouldn't give in to it just for the sake of fitting in. Being single is totally fine. I'm sure that you will find the right person for a happy relationship someday if that's what you really want. There's just no way to rush these things but you shouldn't give up hope either.