Acemaybebaby

A question for sexual folks

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Acemaybebaby

I am questioning my identity and tentatively identify as ace. As an aspec, I have no idea what sexual attraction feels like and everything i have read (especially from the media 🙄) describes sexual attraction as an overpowering, irresistible, i-want-to-rip-off-your-clothes urge or pull. Is it really that strong? And do you have specific thoughts/feelings/fantasies about someone when you are attracted to them? Thanks for any info you have đŸ€—

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CBC

Yeah I definitely have thoughts and feelings about someone if I'm attracted to them and I love them. That connection is important; I don't think much of anything at all about people who just happen to be attractive (imo, recognising that someone is attractive is different than being attracted to them, and even if I do feel a rather shallow sort of attraction, my mind doesn't jump to sex). I only have interest in actually having sex with someone if I'm romantically involved and we have a close emotional/intellectual connection.

 

I don't much care for the "rip your clothes off" characterisation, but desiring someone can be a pretty intense experience, yeah. Overpowering...? I dunno. Not to the point that I've no self-control, of course; that would seem a bit... creepy. I just prefer to say that it's intense. Well, in a situation that involves mutual desire, anyway. I've never felt that pull when it comes to anything unrequited. Generally when in a sexual situation, people play off each other's energy.

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anisotropic

It's hard to think clearly when I'm feeling attraction. Not that I'll act on it, but I might have trouble focusing on something else, or lose my train of thought.

 

I can have flashes of a sexual desire, like a fleeting thought, eg on the tame end -- wanting to kiss their neck. Generally it's easy to set aside these thoughts when they're spontaneous, but they can be hard to completely avoid, the mind might keep returning to it -- a bit like trying not to think of pink elephants.

 

If my partner is actually doing something that is encouraging me to feel aroused, and I'm experiencing responsive desire, it's much harder to get the feeling of attraction to subside -- generally it's like: "can we have sex, otherwise I need a little space" because I'm going to keep feeling a really distracting level of desire unless the situation changes. (I generally communicate this sort of thing explicitly -- I'm not upset, it's just like... I need him to pick one.) I guess it feels a lot like being hungry and being unable to focus on thinking about anything else.

 

I almost never have spontaneous feelings of attraction to most people (if I do, it's a very weak fleeting idea); almost always it's someone I know well & feel strong emotions of love towards.

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FictoCannibal.

For me, I get a feeling (an emotional one) that makes me want to connect on a sexual level with someone, but I have to have developed a kind of emotional attraction to their personality before I can get to wanting that sexual contact. It's just a desire to connect on a sexual level though. When I don't have that desire for someone, sex is the LAST thing on my mind, and I don't want to touch them in any way. But once that emotional attraction has developed I start thinking about what sex would be like with them and the types of things they might be into sexually, and become open to the idea of sexual experimentation with them. That's how I know when I've stated to feel sexual attraction.  :)

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FictoCannibal.

oh also, I've never been able to desire sex with someone I haven't become attracted to on an emotional level (so can't desire or enjoy any kind of casual sex) and I also don't generally get genitally aroused as a result of sexual attraction. I don't personally get all horny and stuff just because I'm feeling sexual attraction and thinking about what sex might be like with someone, even though I might think about that sex a lot, haha. I need to actively engage in mentally stimulating conversation to become aroused enough to actually engage in partnered sex (and by that point the arousal is VERY strong, internally as well as externally) but that specific requirement is not something a lot of people experience I don't think.. it's just one of the many things that made me think I must be asexual until I was about 28 :P

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7 minutes ago, FictoCannibal. said:

oh also, I've never been able to desire sex with someone I haven't become attracted to on an emotional level (so can't desire or enjoy any kind of casual sex) and I also don't generally get genitally aroused as a result of sexual attraction. I don't personally get all horny and stuff just because I'm feeling sexual attraction and thinking about what sex might be like with someone, even though I might think about that sex a lot, haha. I need to actively engage in mentally stimulating conversation to become aroused enough to actually engage in partnered sex (and by that point the arousal is VERY strong, internally as well as externally) but that specific requirement is not something a lot of people experience I don't think.. it's just one of the many things that made me think I must be asexual until I was about 28 :P

All of this, yup. Exactly. I don't experience physical arousal at all unless there's actual interaction going on. Doesn't have to be direct physical contact or even in-person interaction... words are omg, really really great and I am almost annoyingly responsive hahaha... but it does have to involve real interaction of a mutual nature with someone for whom I already have feelings.

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Kayze
3 hours ago, Acemaybebaby said:

I am questioning my identity and tentatively identify as ace. As an aspec, I have no idea what sexual attraction feels like and everything i have read (especially from the media 🙄) describes sexual attraction as an overpowering, irresistible, i-want-to-rip-off-your-clothes urge or pull. Is it really that strong? And do you have specific thoughts/feelings/fantasies about someone when you are attracted to them? Thanks for any info you have đŸ€—

It's certainly easier to explain to someone that feels it, but sexual attraction is a feeling of desire over someone. Think of something (like a favorite food) that you crave. You get this gitty feeling right? You may or may not want to have it but it still gives you that sensation. Depending on how much you crave or like the item, you might get a stronger desire for it, right? Not the best comparison but it is a feeling that's triggered in a similarish way (but usually by other subject matter).

 

Strength varies. Someone that is very sexual will feel it far stronger and more often than many sexual people do. They likely won't comically rip their clothes off or otherwise have more energy than our son. But they'll likely keep instigating it and talking about it.

 

Also note that libido isn't directly related to how sexual someone is.

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CBC
3 hours ago, Kayze said:

or otherwise have more energy than our son

Huh?

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Deus Ex Infinity
13 hours ago, Acemaybebaby said:

I am questioning my identity and tentatively identify as ace. As an aspec, I have no idea what sexual attraction feels like and everything i have read (especially from the media 🙄) describes sexual attraction as an overpowering, irresistible, i-want-to-rip-off-your-clothes urge or pull. Is it really that strong? And do you have specific thoughts/feelings/fantasies about someone when you are attracted to them? Thanks for any info you have đŸ€—

I wouldn't call it overpowering but it can become quite strong indeed, depending on the very moment, mood or surroundings. I rarely get into a serious " i-want-to-rip-off-your-clothes urge" but it also happened for quite a couple times in my life. Usually, it's just more like a constant smooth longing to be physically close to my partner to exchance intimate acts as a symbol of pure dedication and affection.

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ryn2
8 hours ago, asshole said:

Huh?

I did a doubletake too, and then decided it was just a typo.

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Just now, ryn2 said:

I did a doubletake too, and then decided it was just a typo.

Ohhhhh. Sun? My very tired stoner brain was, well, very tired at that point haha. Still an odd phrasing, which is perhaps why I didn't get it immediately. But yes, you're probably right.

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Serran

For me, it is a desire to be very close, including sexually, with my partner. Its based on being in love with them and is a very emotional experience. The I want to rip your clothes off lust I dont experience, but being very close and becoming aroused and it making me want to be even closer ... that I get. 

 

But I can just ignore it if nothing is happening. And go about my day and cuddle and stuff instead. 

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