bare_trees

thread about demisexuality on another website

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bare_trees

I wanted to share a thread I started on another site I frequent.  I was curious to know what posters on a relationships forum would have to say about demisexuality.

 

I started the thread off with a conversation I had with a friend who half-joked that all women (and some men) are demisexual.  I asked if others agreed with him--that it is actually quite common but was just without a label for a long time.  It went in many directions.  I thought it was interesting that some posters (male and female) said that personally, they aren't interested in casual sex and that there needs to be something like a good conversation that creates a spark of some kind that makes them want to have sex.  Definitely not demisexuality, but also not intimacy based strictly on physical attraction.

 

Here it is: http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/2978845-demisexuality-how-common.html

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Serran

A lot of sexuals dont feel sexual attraction based on looks. Personality and connection have a lot to do with it, for many. The omg so hot would do mentality is ... around, but it isnt how every person experiences sexual attraction. Thinking it is based on a physical only thing is a misunderstanding of sexuality. It is very common to need at least a connection of some sort to desire a person. 

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bare_trees
8 minutes ago, Serran said:

A lot of sexuals dont feel sexual attraction based on looks. Personality and connection have a lot to do with it, for many. The omg so hot would do mentality is ... around, but it isnt how every person experiences sexual attraction. Thinking it is based on a physical only thing is a misunderstanding of sexuality. It is very common to need at least a connection of some sort to desire a person. 

I didn't mean to imply that I thought there's just demisexuality and then there are those who need nothing more than someone hot.  I guess I'm a little surprised that I'm being led to think of sexuality (not to be confused with sexual orientation) as its own spectrum.  But I'm not yet certain how I would describe the ends and midpoints of this spectrum.  But I guess it's something like "being up for sex with anyone you find attractive" on one far end, demisexuality on the other, and quite a bit in between that scarcely relates to either extreme.  

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FictoCannibal.

Notice the gits in the thread saying that not being able to be attracted to someone without first having a connection is 'not a thing' right after someone has just said they can't be attracted to someone unless they have first formed a connection with that person *sigh*. In my experience it's almost always young people with very little sexual experience who talk like that. Older people (and those with any level of maturity) know it's most definitely a thing and it's certainly quite common.

 

13 minutes ago, bare_trees said:

I didn't mean to imply that I thought there's just demisexuality and then there are those who need nothing more than someone hot.  I guess I'm a little surprised that I'm being led to think of sexuality (not to be confused with sexual orientation) as its own spectrum.  But I'm not yet certain how I would describe the ends and midpoints of this spectrum.  But I guess it's something like "being up for sex with anyone you find attractive" on one far end, demisexuality on the other, and quite a bit in between that scarcely relates to either extreme.  

Yeah human sexuality is extremely multi faceted. You have some people who are extremely reliant on sex for their own happiness and could happily have sex with any willing person at one end, and at the other end you have those who really don't place much importance on sex but still enjoy it as a pleasurable activity (same as snuggling and watching a movie or whatever), and those who feel hypersexual or don't care much about sex but ALSO only desire it once a deep emotional bond has formed and are asexual-seeming outside of that bond, and all kinds of variations in between (as well as mixtures of all those things, lol). Then you have those who only have sex based on looks and those who could not care less about looks and are instead drawn to personality, humor, mystery, whatever.

 

Pretty much the only thing ALL sexual people have in common is that to under certain circumstances they all desire some form of partnered sexual contact (for sexual and/or emotional pleasure) with specific people, to varying degrees. Literally every other factor, like how often they want sex, how important they find sex, how they choose partners, whether they care about appearance, and whether or not they are able to desire casual sex.. all those things vary MASSIVELY from person to person.

 

So yeah, sexuality is this MASSIVE spectrum which at it's core is a desire to connect sexually with others for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. Asexuality on the other hand means someone just doesn't innately have that desire to connect sexually with anyone, ever (the A literally means 'without').

 

:)

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Puck

Yeah, I think sexuality is a lot more complicated than the label system people are currently trying to work with. Right now here's the different elements one has to consider when one is trying to figure out their sexuality:

 

Sexual Orientation: The gender one wants to have sex with when one wants to have sex (no gender is acceptable, as that is asexuality)

 

Romantic Orientation: The gender one wishes to have a romantic relationship with when one wants to have a romantic relationship

 

Libido: How often one feels the drive to have sex

 

Relationship: This would be what relationship one wants to seek with partners. This is the most complicated as some people are happy with a variety of relationships, while others seek out only one. For some people, one night stands work. For others, they wait until marriage. And most fall somewhere in the middle with liking some side action but preferring committed or a zillion other options. There could be a much better way of thinking of this concept, but I dunno if it's been well explored yet

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Deus Ex Infinity

Demisexuality usually needs a very strong emotional bond to spread out into sexual attraction. It takes a very long time to happen. That's one of the basic major differences to most other common cautious dating patterns. Many poeple want to take it slow to get to know their potential partners first before eventually deciding to become physical intimate with them but it's still a much easier and faster process compared to demisexuals.

 

So I think it's a totally wrong conception to assume that all women or men are demisexual therefore.

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CBC
15 hours ago, bare_trees said:

I thought it was interesting that some posters (male and female) said that personally, they aren't interested in casual sex and that there needs to be something like a good conversation that creates a spark of some kind that makes them want to have sex.  Definitely not demisexuality, but also not intimacy based strictly on physical attraction.

Yes, this is called normal human sexuality and it's how most of us (sexuals) function. We have sexual relationships with people we connect with for reasons that are not "her boobs look really great in that tight shirt".

 

Uggghhhh this thread makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Literally none of that should be surprising to you. No, it's not demisexuality. It's normal, typical human sexuality. Not everyone is into casual hookups (even though such things do happen as well, obviously -- and all casual sex is not necessarily based on physical attraction either).

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bare_trees
19 hours ago, asshole said:

Yes, this is called normal human sexuality and it's how most of us (sexuals) function. We have sexual relationships with people we connect with for reasons that are not "her boobs look really great in that tight shirt".

 

Uggghhhh this thread makes me want to slam my head into a wall. Literally none of that should be surprising to you. No, it's not demisexuality. It's normal, typical human sexuality. Not everyone is into casual hookups (even though such things do happen as well, obviously -- and all casual sex is not necessarily based on physical attraction either).

I don't think everyone (or even most) are into casual hookups.  It's just that I have this tendency to think that if you're sexual, you can at least see a stranger in a sexual way, even if you don't want to do anything with that person.  Something that the demis can't do.  

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bare_trees

I guess I should add that my ideas about those who are sexual are based on my dating experiences, which have been overwhelmingly negative.  I'm not so bigheaded that I can't see that I might have the wrong idea, but I should point out that it is based on experience, not preconceptions. 

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anisotropic

I could try to see strangers in a sexual way but it's about as ... natural ... as seeing women in a sexual way. Which is to say: very hypothetical and forced.

I don't think that counts, and I don't think I would call myself anything but "sexual".

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