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zevran

People who don't like physical contact? Someone to talk with me please?

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zevran

Hi first! I'm new. I needed to talk with people who are also ace and I just found this.. Anyway. This is a bit long, sorry for that as a first post but I really need to talk with someone please?

 

Are there people who are asexual and can fall in love but don't like physical contact at all? Like, any? And still love the person? I'm sure there is, though I never met anyone (that's pretty much why I came here, to maybe met someone who feels the same and share something), but how can we talk about this? I have a problem..

 

Thing is, I've been dating someone for more than a year and we were on good terms. I was okay with a lot of things, like kissing and we even had sex some times, I was okay with that but it's just not much my thing and with time I just started avoiding sexual physical contact (it's my 2nd boyfriend and the first one din't like this kind of contact as well so I never had this problem before). With time of course he noticed and asked if there was anything wrong, that he was thinking I didn't love him anymore and all that stuff and after some looong talk I explained I just wasn't into it at all, that wasn't because of him but because I just didn't like it, so he stoped insisting and we kind of got back to normal (tho he was sad, and he also said a lot about how he needed to have sex and everything but, well).

 

Anyway physical contact for me is starting to get really uncomfortable, I was never a touchy person and I really enjoy personal space. We lived together for some months and it was really hard for me to share the bed, and mostly sometimes I just want to keep quiet, reading, or playing some game, I just need a lot of space and he thought I was just avoiding him. Holding hands make me very uncomfortable, kissing, hugging, it just. I don't know, I tried to talk and then he got really sad saying holding hands was just a normal, usual thing that everyone does and even if I don't have this need to have affection, he has and he needs that kind of contact to feel loved. He thinks I'm bored and don't give him attention, and for my part that's not the case, but I also understand his view, I mean, it's not his fault at all, mostly people do enjoy cuddling, all that stuff.

 

I really do love him, I've tried to talk many times but he keeps saying that my actions doesn't show it. I tried to change, tried to show much more of affection even if not much my thing but he says it looks distant. From my part, romance is a much more intellectual thing. I like to share ideas (I really love to talk about everything, any subject matter tbh in long conversations), spend time playing some videogames or watching a movie, mostly I like to have a mental connection. I find the person interesting for who they are and for what they think, and then I fall in love, but it's not because I don't want to have physical contact that it means that I am not in love anymore? Seems useless talking, last night he said he needed a time because I've been super off of his life. 

 

Anyone who had the same problem? Anyone who managed to talk with your partner? I don't have many hopes up, I think it's hopeless right now, being realistic. I just wanted to hear there's people like me and I'm not being a evil person, I don't know. I needed to talk about it, mostly. 

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MichaelTannock

@zevran Welcome to AVEN!

 

8 minutes ago, zevran said:

Are there people who are asexual and can fall in love but don't like physical contact at all? Like, any? And still love the person? I'm sure there is, though I never met anyone (that's pretty much why I came here, to maybe met someone who feels the same and share something), but how can we talk about this? I have a problem..

There are Touch Averse Asexuals, though I'm not one.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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zevran
21 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

@zevran Welcome to AVEN!

 

There are Touch Averse Asexuals, though I'm not one.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake

I've heard, tho I never was able to talk with one!

 

And thank you so much for the cake, it looks amazing!

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Nowhere Girl

I don't think that I can help you much because I have never been in any relationship which would be perceived by us as more than friendship. However, I'm rather touch-averse, though not without exceptions. In Polish culture a friendly peck is considered normal, particularly between women. I never kiss my friends or family members. All aunts know that "I'm the one who doesn't kiss" and they don't try it with me. (I have also never had any kind of kiss other than the "friendly/familial" kind.) Basically, very often when I meet a friend or family member, there is no physical contact whatsoever. I particularly dislike skin-on-skin contact. It feels very slightly disgusting to me and I prefer avoiding it.

The one exception to my touch aversion is that since childhood I always liked having my back stroked. However, my mom agreed to do it until I was something like 20? years old. My granny would agree to stroke me even when I was 30, but now she's dead. And it's quite a trust/intimacy issue... for example, I would feel way too embarassed to ask any friend to stroke me.

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JohnSC

I kind of fall in the touch adverse category when i was much younger.

 

Throughout school until i dropped out of university I always like the "hands and feet to myself" idea.

 

Of course after getting older I noticed that i shifted from Asexual to Greysexual and I am not as afraid of things like physically bumping into other people.

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zevran
29 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I don't think that I can help you much because I have never been in any relationship which would be perceived by us as more than friendship. However, I'm rather touch-averse, though not without exceptions. In Polish culture a friendly peck is considered normal, particularly between women. I never kiss my friends or family members. All aunts know that "I'm the one who doesn't kiss" and they don't try it with me. (I have also never had any kind of kiss other than the "friendly/familial" kind.) Basically, very often when I meet a friend or family member, there is no physical contact whatsoever. I particularly dislike skin-on-skin contact. It feels very slightly disgusting to me and I prefer avoiding it.

The one exception to my touch aversion is that since childhood I always liked having my back stroked. However, my mom agreed to do it until I was something like 20? years old. My granny would agree to stroke me even when I was 30, but now she's dead. And it's quite a trust/intimacy issue... for example, I would feel way too embarassed to ask any friend to stroke me.

Here we have a similar thing, when people are to greet woman they kiss their cheek. I always thought it was a bit invasive, but since it was a fast thing to do I never thought much about it. I also dislike skin-on-skin contact, there are some exceptions but mostly I don't like as well.

 

And omg it's super crazy but I love having my back stroked as well! More like scratch/rub but it's very good so I feel you here. My dad also used to do this to me for me to sleep, then I used to ask my boyfriend to do so. Besides that, I don't like much touching at all. 

 

15 minutes ago, JohnSC said:

I kind of fall in the touch adverse category when i was much younger.

 

Throughout school until i dropped out of university I always like the "hands and feet to myself" idea.

 

Of course after getting older I noticed that i shifted from Asexual to Greysexual and I am not as afraid of things like physically bumping into other people.

Oh, for me it was the opposite of you. Kinda?

 

I was much more okay with things in the past, it was mostly okay for me. But then as time passed by I started to feel more and more uncomfortable. 

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Anthracite_Impreza

My father is one of those who needs affection to feel loved; he basically gets miserable if I don't occasionally give him a kiss unprompted. I hate it, I genuinely do, but like you, I also love my dad - I just don't want physical contact nor do I feel it's necessary (or natural). There's really only two options - compromise or leave. I have had to compromise because I live with him, but still do the absolute minimum.

 

Ironically, I am actually really physically affectionate... with my cars and dog. It's humans that are the problem.

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Biblioromantic

I'm not touch-averse, but I am hyper aware of touch. My family doesn't generally touch each other. If we visit each other, we *might* hug if we haven't seen each other in a long while upon arriving or before leaving, but not if someone would have to put down something they're doing and/or walk all the way across the room to do it. That's just not how we express love to each other. When I was a teen, it was drilled into me that any touch either inherently was or could be perceived to be sexual, and sexual harassment experiences and trainings at work reinforced that fear. My first boyfriend built on that fear by refusing to touch or even acknowledge me if I'd done anything he perceived as disobedient/offensive, so I learned that withholding touch could be hurtful, a way of expressing displeasure and dominance. I also knew I wasn't interested in doing sexual things, so I stopped touching people, even platonically. And not touching people made me crave platonic touch even as much as I feared sexual touch. For me, touch is a very meaningful and confusing and complicated thing.

 

In my experience, the importance of touch is a spectrum, just like everything else. For most people, touch is necessary; they communicate through touch, understand what it means, want it, need it to feel safe and secure. For some people, touch is to be avoided for some reason. Maybe they don't understand it and are afraid of what it means. Maybe touch is physically painful or reminds them of physical characteristics they'd rather not have. Maybe they've learned that not all touch is good or safe from past experience. Or maybe they learned that the absence of touch is also meaningful in an important way. In each case, avoiding touch has become a vehicle for avoiding pain and fear.

 

It is possible for a person who needs physical touch and a person who avoids physical touch to be in a committed relationship, but it's much like an allosexual for whom sex is a normal, healthy, accepted vehicle for expressing their thoughts and feelings being in a romantic relationship with an asexual for whom sex is neither wanted nor something they're interested in pursuing. Yes, it *can* work, but it will *take* work, and both people involved have to be willing and open to communication and compromises in their expectations and behavior.

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zevran
16 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

My father is one of those who needs affection to feel loved; he basically gets miserable if I don't occasionally give him a kiss unprompted. I hate it, I genuinely do, but like you, I also love my dad - I just don't want physical contact nor do I feel it's necessary (or natural). There's really only two options - compromise or leave. I have had to compromise because I live with him, but still do the absolute minimum.

 

Ironically, I am actually really physically affectionate... with my cars and dog. It's humans that are the problem.

My father is almost the same but a bit less, if I spend some time talking to him he already feels much better. I think when it's family it's a bit better, especially if you're living with them, because family relationships don't need the same amount of touch that a romantic relationship needs? But I agree with the compromise or leave. 

 

I'm also really physically affectionate towards cats??? I don't know. I very much identify with their behavior, probably. lol

 

16 hours ago, Biblioromantic said:

I'm not touch-averse, but I am hyper aware of touch. My family doesn't generally touch each other. If we visit each other, we *might* hug if we haven't seen each other in a long while upon arriving or before leaving, but not if someone would have to put down something they're doing and/or walk all the way across the room to do it. That's just not how we express love to each other. When I was a teen, it was drilled into me that any touch either inherently was or could be perceived to be sexual, and sexual harassment experiences and trainings at work reinforced that fear. My first boyfriend built on that fear by refusing to touch or even acknowledge me if I'd done anything he perceived as disobedient/offensive, so I learned that withholding touch could be hurtful, a way of expressing displeasure and dominance. I also knew I wasn't interested in doing sexual things, so I stopped touching people, even platonically. And not touching people made me crave platonic touch even as much as I feared sexual touch. For me, touch is a very meaningful and confusing and complicated thing.

 

In my experience, the importance of touch is a spectrum, just like everything else. For most people, touch is necessary; they communicate through touch, understand what it means, want it, need it to feel safe and secure. For some people, touch is to be avoided for some reason. Maybe they don't understand it and are afraid of what it means. Maybe touch is physically painful or reminds them of physical characteristics they'd rather not have. Maybe they've learned that not all touch is good or safe from past experience. Or maybe they learned that the absence of touch is also meaningful in an important way. In each case, avoiding touch has become a vehicle for avoiding pain and fear.

 

It is possible for a person who needs physical touch and a person who avoids physical touch to be in a committed relationship, but it's much like an allosexual for whom sex is a normal, healthy, accepted vehicle for expressing their thoughts and feelings being in a romantic relationship with an asexual for whom sex is neither wanted nor something they're interested in pursuing. Yes, it *can* work, but it will *take* work, and both people involved have to be willing and open to communication and compromises in their expectations and behavior.

I agree in so many ways with everything you said!! Also thank you so much for sharing.

 

Learned that withholding touch could be hurtful too, since a kid actually, people always think that you carry some negative feeling towards them even if you say it's not the case, that's why I would never blame my boyfriend for that. But it's also hard from the both sides. I never thought about why I feel uncomfortable with touch to be honest, I don't have any bad experience or something, I just started to feel it and a huge need of more personal space and realized I'm a very introspective person who likes silence a lot as well. To think, to do my own things, I do enjoy a lot of my own personal space? Tried to change but it just feels more and more uncomfortable and I don't really think that forcing myself is going to do good, you know?

 

But yes, it would take a lot of work and patience, conversations. Problem is, we already talked so much about it. I changed some in my ways, tried to be more present, but he still feels like I'm avoiding and I'm somehow at my limit, if I try harder I realize that I'll be forcing myself to something that won't do me good, and for that I start to feel bad because it seems that I'm not a good person or that I'm not doing enough? That it's my fault? That I could do better but, well, I don't know. Anyway, thank you so much for sharing this!

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, zevran said:

I'm also really physically affectionate towards cats??? I don't know. I very much identify with their behavior, probably. lol

Not a typo, I genuinely meant cars. I'm objectum asexual ;)

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Biblioromantic
6 hours ago, zevran said:

Problem is, we already talked so much about it. I changed some in my ways, tried to be more present, but he still feels like I'm avoiding and I'm somehow at my limit, if I try harder I realize that I'll be forcing myself to something that won't do me good, and for that I start to feel bad because it seems that I'm not a good person or that I'm not doing enough? That it's my fault? That I could do better but, well, I don't know.

I think that's your answer then. If your partner's not getting what he needs, and you're not getting what you need, even after you've made an honest effort to talk it out and compromise, there's not a whole lot more you can do. I'm sorry. Some things you just can't work out, and that's perfectly normal.

 

No, you should only do what you're comfortable doing. No one who truly loves you would pressure you to do something you truly don't feel comfortable doing. You feel the way you feel, and you can't help the way you feel. Don't feel bad about yourself, and it's not your fault. You are still a good person, and you are enough just as you are. You're just not, in my opinion, with the right person for you. If you want to try again with someone new in the future, that option is always available. Don't feel like you should continue to compromise because this partner is the only one for you. Everyone has multiple failed relationships before the find the perfect person for them.

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