sexlessbychoice Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 The idea of a sexless marriage [whether the statistical variety of sex less than 10 times per year] or a literal one of zero sex, or something in-between is generally though of as a horrible thing and it certainly can be. It can also be a good thing. My marriage went statistically sexless after we were married a year or so. It was so frustrating and painful for me, and a latent bisexuality appeared. Over time I looked at the big picture - there is more to marriage than sex. I moved to acceptance, then happy acceptance. At that stage the romantic cuddly bond greatly strengthened. In recent years my libido has plummeted and I now consider myself to be asexual. I would like to hear from others about their sexless marriages - both the negative and the positive experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I have never succeeded in forming a relationship (and I'm a sex-averse effectively asexual person, so a sex-free relationship is the only acceptable option for me). But what I find frustrating is that, as you mentioned, "sexless marriage" (or "sexless relationship", "lesbian bed death" and so on) are always considered something bad. The common belief is that one side of the relationship must always be unhappy in such an arrangement and so resources about sexless relationships almost exclusively concentrate on "finding that spark". Which, of course, leaves people who prefer a sex-free relationship without access to advice which would consider their needs... Link to post Share on other sites
sexlessbychoice Posted November 5, 2018 Author Share Posted November 5, 2018 You hit the nail on the head Nowhere Girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Bio 7 Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Good to hear a positive story. Far too much about sex being vital it isolates those that don’t want it. I hope everyone’s relationships stay good for you all! Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I'm not going to lie, this sounds kind of... sad... to me. I absolutely do NOT mean sad in the sense of "pathetic", I mean it in a genuine sense of something was lost and it seems that then you just grew accustomed to that and no longer connected with a part of yourself that once existed, and that sounds unfortunate and potentially painful to me. Thus, sad. With all that said, I'm glad that at least from what you say, you and your wife are still happy. There is certainly more to marriage (or any significant relationship) than sex; I'm sure pretty most everyone, sexual and asexual alike, will agree with you on that. There's also nothing wrong or inferior about finding your relationship (general "your", I'm not referring to you specifically) to be unfulfilling if you partner does not express affection and desire in the same way. Sexuality is as old as humans are themselves of course, it's how we're wired, and for many it feels like a part of who they are -- and connecting with that aspect of themselves through their relationships with others is important for their psychological health. So there's nothing wrong with not finding a relationship fulfilling if it cuts you off from healthy expressions of your sexuality. It's not shallow and it's not something one should need to endure. But of course it's not an absolute requirement for everyone, even some sexual people, and that's ok too. So I do mean it sincerely, I'm glad you guys are apparently happy enough as you are. I just hope it's genuine, not something borne of you gradually giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowhalcyon Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 there's such a pressure put on sex and to have sex for your marriage to be "success" and i feel like that's what is bad if you love and care about each other, you'll find your own ways to express that sex certainly isn't the only "true" way to express emotions towards someone and you're clearly very happy with the way you are now, so i wouldn't advice you force a change any time soon Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 I think a sexually "matched" marriage is fine, whatever level of sex works for both participants. If that is no sex, there is no problem with it. A sexually mismatched marriage is misery for at least one, usually both parties. I think most sexual people would not be able to be happy in a sexless marriage. Would I want to stop desiring sex? Its a difficult question because for me, sex, romance and love are so tightly tied together that it would feel like asking if I never want to feel love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Spotastic Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I've been married for 11 years now and my wife is not asexual. Sexually matched is a good way to describe how things work for us. It's not exactly a sexless marriage, but most people would consider what we do just foreplay. It's a compromise that we can both agree on, even though I know my wife would sometimes want more. This agreement came about after years of not knowing about asexuality and fumbling about with things, and then once we had more knowledge, we were able to find something that worked for both of us... after a year or more of still working things out. We're still happily married. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 I'd echo a lot of what asshole said, but I'm really glad you've posted. Some sexuals - I suspect very, very few but whatever - can genuinely find a contented relationship without sex, and it's easy for them to feel drowned out by the majority who find it incredibly painful, which doesn't really help anyone. The problem isn't inherently the amount of sex, it's whether both partners are okay with that amount; it can be exacerbated by insensitivity to the other's pain on either side, or lack of communication, and that's often the bigger problem. Link to post Share on other sites
SusannaC Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 On 11/5/2018 at 10:17 AM, asshole said: I just hope it's genuine, not something borne of you gradually giving up. Give up.... yes, that’s what I did many years ago. When I realized that my spouse had no desire for intimacy, I did give up. Sounds like I wasn’t alone- I tried to make the best of the situation, tried to create and maintain family harmony. Did feel like a part of myself died though. That knowledge is a very painful and sad reality. Like others here on AVEN, I also wonder if after almost 30 years, is starting over alone really worth it? Sounds foolish.... should have taken action many many years ago.... Link to post Share on other sites
SusannaC Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 Sexual mismatch may work for some, but I conclude this would require LOTS of communication and sacrifice for both parties. My situation, like so many others, involves an inability to effectively communicate & BE HEARD. Whether we were both guilty of that or not, no longer matters. What does matter is the fact that sexual intimacy, which is an essential expression of romantic love for me, does not exist. There is more to marriage than sex - I completely agree- but to me our arrangement feels and is much more of a convenience partnership and platonic relationship. Not at all what was envisioned when I accepted the ring. Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 The big problem I had with the sexless marriage I had was the dishonesty. I gave up something critical for my happiness while I tried to make things right for her, all the while being gaslighted. Lying to hold a relationship together is the most evil thing one can do to someone they claim to love. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Seconded @IronHamster....great name by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Not married, but this reminded me of a lecture we had in medical sociology. My professor explained how society today "basically expects you to f*ck until you die", but in the past this wasn't true. Married couples from the 1900s back just naturally stopped having sex at some point in the marriage due to a number of reasons... not wanting anymore children, declining physical ability, loss of libido, or just plain not needing it anymore. Society didn't regard it as odd if a couple stopped having relations, and it was almost expected that couples would shift away from that to other forms of intimacy as the marriage went on, e.g. just spending time together, helping each other, caring for grandchildren, or being non-sexually physically close. (If there was any ray of light in the black pit of Victorian society, it was that whatever was or wasn't happening in the bedroom, society couldn't talk about it!) Cue Masters and Johnson and the sexual revolution, and suddenly everybody must be having all the sex, without taking into account that all that sex can be great for people who need and want it, and not so great for everyone else. I see it as a tv trope a lot in sitcoms... a relationship or marriage "runs dry", and suddenly the sky is falling and both partners run around like chickens with heads cut off trying to fix it. They automatically assume something has gone horribly wrong in their relationship if they're not madly in lust for each other, instead of sitting down and reflecting on where their relationship is and being honest about what each other needs (or doesn't need). Of course, running-around-like-headless-chickens makes for better ratings... On 11/5/2018 at 8:38 AM, sexlessinpei said: Over time I looked at the big picture - there is more to marriage than sex. If there's anything I learned from that lecture, it's this. Any relationship is made up of many complex parts that both parties constantly renegotiate. Some need more sex than others. The important thing is that the reflection and communication are still happening. Link to post Share on other sites
IronHamster Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 It's kind of like saying there is more to a meal than nutrition. Sure there is, but without enough of it you die a slow death. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 On 11/5/2018 at 8:38 AM, sexlessinpei said: My marriage went statistically sexless after we were married a year or so. It was so frustrating and painful for me, and a latent bisexuality appeared. Over time I looked at the big picture - there is more to marriage than sex. I moved to acceptance, then happy acceptance. At that stage the romantic cuddly bond greatly strengthened. In recent years my libido has plummeted and I now consider myself to be asexual. This may be roughly what happened to me; I’m still trying to sort it out. Unfortunately my partner and I have some serious shortfalls in the communication department and I learned earlier this year that what I always thought was his disinterest in/stress over sex was apparently a misunderstanding. I’m glad you and your partner have arrived at a good place. Link to post Share on other sites
AvenHope Posted December 3, 2018 Share Posted December 3, 2018 My dream is to have a husband or wife who is asexual like me. I haven’t had any luck in finding a companion. 15 years of being all alone is taking its toll on me. Here’s to hoping my special someone is on the Aven forums ! Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 19, 2018 Share Posted December 19, 2018 I am engaged to someone who is asexual, they have never had sex and I am not really interested in having sex, it works out. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 . Link to post Share on other sites
Jo_the_Hanna Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I hope it's okay to drop in to say a word or two even tho I am not in a relationship. Reading these stories here both scare me and give me a drop of hope. I hope that each an everyone here would be able to be happy regardless of who they are. For me sex sounds like something that could cause me trauma, and being in a relationship with someone who wanted it would be a great problem. I know an ace whose ex took sex from her against her will, and it wasn't a beautiful story... That's another reason why I have always systematically pushed all "opportunities" away or only loved those I really cannot get and who don't threaten me with anything apart from kind and safe cuddles and such "mild" affection. "Mild affection" like that is actually something I am very hungry for, and the lack of it sometimes almost physically hurts my skin. Crazy, mad dilemma! Do you guys here think there are good things about being ace? Someone I dearly love told me that it could also be " a gift" but I have not figured out HOW yet.. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Karst Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 The early Christians actually considered sexless relationships to be ideal. Different times and cultures have had very different views on what makes a relationship successful than we do now. Link to post Share on other sites
firewallflower Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 1 hour ago, Jo_the_Hanna said: Do you guys here think there are good things about being ace? Someone I dearly love told me that it could also be " a gift" but I have not figured out HOW yet.. ? Yes, I'm sure there are both pros and cons to being ace. Of course, a completely unbiased perspective is probably impossible one way or another—after all, who decides in the first place what's "good" or "bad"? Our takes on asexuality/sexuality are bound to be colored by personal experiences and feelings; for example, sexual person might pity asexuals for not wanting to engage in sex, while an asexual person might pity sexuals for wanting to engage in sex. Does one necessarily have to be "right" and the other "wrong"? To a large extent, I'd say that the question of which things are pros and which are cons is pretty subjective/a matter of opinion. It all depends on how you look at it. Still, some aspects of asexuality which come to mind that could certainly be viewed in a positive light (keeping in mind that these don't necessarily all apply to all people who identify on the asexual spectrum): We don't have to deal with unrequited sexual attraction We don't need to worry about sex drive overruling common sense Less pressure to be sexually attractive to others Arguably, not having physical/sexual/bodily attributes provides the opportunity to focus on deeper facets of the personality And for those asexuals who are aromantic or simply not in relationships, a plethora of other advantages present themselves: Freedom The opportunity to develop increased independence and self-reliance without your identity relying on someone else Opportunity to focus on developing in other aspects of life/identity Platonic friendships can rise to the fore We're spared romantic relationship drama No fears of breaking up! And there are undoubtedly many more potential pros as well—though again, most of these things really just depend on perspective. You might also want to check out this thread for some more perks to being asexual: As I see it, neither asexuality nor sexuality is inherently "better" than the other—they're just facts and one of the many facets that make up who we are. It's how we view, express, and live with them that determines what's "good" or "bad". 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
KittKatz Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Hubby and I have always been grossly mismatched. I have always had a low libido exacerbated by medications I needed to survive. In 2012 when we went sexless for 3 months so I could focus on finishing my degree (with a teen daughter and a full-time job) I realized I just could not go back to the way things were. We were committed to try and keep the marriage anyway, but after almost 7 years, it is looking like it is over. I moved to my mother's in November 2016 to be a live-in companion because she was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He told me after I moved that he would not be moving with me though he had given the impression he would. We were in limbo while he kicked the can down the road. In December 2018, I moved from SE Florida to Central Florida as I could no longer give my mom the care she needed. It would have been an opportunity to us to move together and see if there was anything worth salvaging. He encouraged me to look for places we could both live but backed out at the last minute. I told him I was OK with him getting relief with other women but I have gone from prime chic to lower than side chic. He says he loves me plus we have 2 beautiful grown daughters but it appears the marriage is over. That said, I am glad we tried to make it work. Our 35th anniversary is in March. I have lost my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 On 11/7/2018 at 12:46 PM, Telecaster68 said: I'd echo a lot of what asshole said This is funny, cause while I know that was the username at the time, since its changed it just looks like you insulted someone if reading this thread now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 4 minutes ago, Serran said: This is funny, cause while I know that was the username at the time, since its changed it just looks like you insulted someone if reading this thread now. Hahaha I love my brief stint as 'asshole'... it made a lot of things fun to read. Link to post Share on other sites
Gone Boy Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 On 11/5/2018 at 1:38 PM, sexlessinpei said: The idea of a sexless marriage [whether the statistical variety of sex less than 10 times per year] or a literal one of zero sex, or something in-between is generally though of as a horrible thing and it certainly can be. It can also be a good thing. My marriage went statistically sexless after we were married a year or so. It was so frustrating and painful for me, and a latent bisexuality appeared. Over time I looked at the big picture - there is more to marriage than sex. I moved to acceptance, then happy acceptance. At that stage the romantic cuddly bond greatly strengthened. In recent years my libido has plummeted and I now consider myself to be asexual. I would like to hear from others about their sexless marriages - both the negative and the positive experiences. I too had a reversal in my libido. Sex wasn't great with my partner for years but we still had it. Then I became mentally ill and when I was diagnosed I was put on meds. that changed everything. Ever since I have been on meds I have had no interest in sex at all. We are still together. I won't say that things are as good for my partner still wants sex we just haven't bothered. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantasmal Fingers Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Given the fact that none of wants to be an asexual elitist shouldn't we also be saying that marriageless sex is a positive thing? Or have I missed someone saying that upthread? Link to post Share on other sites
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