After the Break Up

[Tathrin]

I've been "out" as an asexual for years (literally since the moment I discovered there was a word for what I am lol) and I've been best friends with this person whom I'll call E for even longer than that. She understands asexuality as well as anyone looking in on it from the outside can, I think, having grown-up with me. But she recently got into a relationship with another friend of ours who is asexual as well (but not as far down the hardcore aro-ace spectrum as me) and that person (whom I'll call F) hadn't ever been in a relationship before, but was thrilled at the idea of having a partner who would help them keep a house and raise kids etc etc. (They once "proposed" to me, in a purely platonic/asexual "we have compatible goals and both want kids, want to get a house together and co-parent?" sense of the word, but logistically it didn't work for either of us.) So F suggested "let's just skip dating and get married, because what's the point of dating really?" Which alas E did not take for the warning sign that it was but instead as a romantic gesture, I guess. She was really excited! It was a long distance relationship because they lived several states apart (F and I had met through online writing) but they were planning to move-in together in a few months when E's teaching contract ended and F bought a house.

 

It didn't work-out, the both of them having different needs in terms of relationships/romance/etc and different goals/hopes/visions of what their future was going to be. My ace friend has bounced back pretty well since (for obvious reasons I think; their life didn't really change before, during, or after) but E fell hard, and she's having trouble getting over F in specific and over the idea of her future marriage evaporating in general.

 

I'm sure it isn't helped by the fact that it wasn't a "normal" break-up: nobody cheated, there wasn't any fighting, no "other person," etc. F just realized that they weren't going to be compatible, and did the logical thing by ending it before they got any further entangled than they already were...but logic doesn't help when a heart is broken. I have no personal experience with broken hearts (and neither does F tbh). This relationship was a big deal to E: she came out to her parents and family and brought F up to meet everyone for the winter holidays, quit her job because working at a Catholic school when you've decided to come out of the closet at long last (we're in our 30s) doesn't really work, had started packing to move...everything. So when her relationship with F evaporated, it threw her for a major loop both emotionally and logistically. Which is perfectly understandable, even to me! When your life goes through a massive change and everything you had planned goes to pot, it's upsetting! But...

 

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of them getting together, and while E has sorted out the logistics now she's feeling particularly miserable. I want to help, but I don't know how. I look at the situation and all I can think is "Doesn't the way it ended prove that you two were never going to be compatible in the long run? So if you know now it was never going to work, isn't it a good thing it's over?" Logic has nothing to do with how E's heart feels about things though, and I don't know how to address a relationship from an illogical emotional standpoint. So my help is pretty much useless, alas.

 

Has anyone here experienced a break-up with an asexual? Can you offer any advice to me, or useful sympathy that I can pass on to E? Particularly if it was a break-up that was initiated by the asexual person due to cold-blooded logic rather than one caused by emotional upheaval, but really reactions from any sort of ace/non-ace break-up are likely to be helpful. I want to support my friend, but I don't know how. Any support the community here can offer would be really, really wonderful. Thank you!

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I could help, but I've never had or desired a relationship.

Perhaps there's an activity you can do together with E to help E forget about F?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Tathrin]

That is the most deliciously amazing cake I have ever seen. Thank you so much!

 

Part of the problem is that we're all still friends, and are part of one big friend group together too -- so it's not so much "forgetting" that's going to be possible, as finding a way to let go of the pain of the defunct relationship. Which obviously makes things harder for E than if she could just forget about F, but ditching a whole group of friends to get away from an ex wouldn't help make things better either so.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

Regardless though that is a hell of a welcome, thank you! I love it.

[Blaiddmelyn]

Can't comment from the mixed relationship PoV per se but I've had two relationships end for "logical" reasons (one where I did the breaking up, one where I was dumped). Honestly, the best thing you can do is spend time with your mate, let them know you're there, and offer to listen. I know, when I got dumped, I was glad my friends sat with me and let me complain, sent me messages to check on me, and tried to distract me. 

 

It's a cliche but time does heal. One thing that helped me was going on a trip and meeting new people - it reminded me there's more to life than the person I'd been seeing, and reminded me to have fun again. Maybe take them on a road trip or encourage them to try something like that?

[Maeve]

I think it's really sweet you want to help your friend. Sadly, as I believe you already suspect, there's nothing you can really say, no advice you can give that will make her feel better beyond simply being there for her and being a shoulder to cry on. I think @MichaelTannock has a good suggestion to maybe find something the two of you can go out and do together that might take her mind off things - especially on the dreaded anniversary.

 

But when it comes down to it, all that's really going to help her is time and distance. A breakup is a breakup and anyone's advice is useless in that situation. The best you can do is offer sympathy. If she's particularly upset that the ace partner seems to be doing fine and came out of the relationship fairly unscathed, I suppose you could try reminding her that these things feel different from the other person's view because they went into the relationship with a very different perspective. And honestly, it doesn't sound to me like the other person's "coldness" has as much to do with being ace as it does with having come into the relationship for practical reasons as opposed to emotional ones. I myself had a deep heartbreak because my love interest had zero emotional bond with totally different reasons for pursuing the relationship than me. And I'm the ace in that scenario. They were more like your friend F, except sexual. It all comes down to a mismatch in the motivation for getting into the relationship to begin with. 

 

It's good they don't live in the same state, though! At least there's no danger she'll be bumping into this person on the street. 

 

Anyway, best of luck to your friend - I'm sure she'll be on the mend soon enough

 

Cake for you!

[anamikanon]

I came pretty close to experiencing a break up with an asexual because he broke off with me. It didn't happen, mostly because he was being an idiot and woke up the next day on his knees. (He didn't know he was ace, got involved with this woman who was so wrong for him, hid it from me, in spite of me being fine with poly and then freaked out and broke up with me when I guessed it anyway - I'm not ace, right? He impulsively broke up, because he simply wasn't prepared to talk about it. Knee jerk reaction. Lasted about 6 hours. Grovelled his way back into the relationship next morning)

 

So yeah, I have some insight into just how reckless an ace can be when they break off and how clueless about intimate relationships.

 

Thing is, this is how they are. Not a lot can be done about that other than warning them that there is a hell of a lot more to relationships than what they think and to be careful. But apart from that, we need to take care of our own vulnerability. It is their blind spot. In impulsively committing, impulsively leaving. Not because evil, but because their brain works that way. My ace felt so understood by me, he came to an entirely different city and committed to being in my life in any capacity I'd allow him at first meeting. I thought he was nuts. Strangely, apart from that bizzarre incident, he hasn't wavered an inch from this. Ever. Left to me, we wouldn't even have met. Let alone been in any kind of continued contact and relationship was out of the question. Yet his presence enriches my life. So it isn't necessarily bad. But it is an odd gamble that they often don't know.

 

There isn't a lot you can do about this. There isn't a lot E can do about this other than moving on. Something that may not occur to you, because of being ace yourself is to consider this: It may be more comfortable/wiser for E to not be friends with F anymore. It is usually hard for a sexual to dial down "going to marry" to "just friends" at least without some kind of transition cool down period. Chances are, she hasn't "switched off" from dreams of a future as abruptly as F did, and ongoing contact is only going to draw out her heartbreak till she inevitably accepts it. F is unlikely to notice or to be too bothered if he does.

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Tathrin Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰!

 

How about this:

From a spiritual standpoint, emotions should be felt in full so they can be channeled out of the system. You should tell E just to feel these emotions while they last so they can get over the relationship. Maybe you guys can talk things over to help with the channelling process, maybe while taking @MichaelTannock's suggestion?

[Anthracite_Impreza]

When my mate broke up with her long term boyfriend I asked her if she needed anything from me and she said to cheer her up, so I sent her lots of pictures of Quokkas. I defy anyone to be sad in the face of such adorable creatures.

Spoiler

I then made stupid jokes, daily, for about a week. She said I made her laugh too much to care about that [censored!].

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

He impulsively broke up, because he simply wasn't prepared to talk about it. Knee jerk reaction. Lasted about 6 hours. Grovelled his way back into the relationship next morning)

This is exactly my (non-ace) partner!

 

Unrelated, years ago, my then-bf and I broke up after a four-year relationship that involved owning a house, etc.  We shared many friends and volunteered for the same place so there was no way to avoid him.  At first it was miserable - he moved on immediately so I had to face not only him but my replacement - but as everyone has said time helped immensely.  We ultimately stayed friends, made easier by his moving away.

 

Just be there for your friend, and listen when needed...

[Tathrin]

Thanks, everybody. I guess I just worried that there was something crucial I was missing that I should have or could have been doing, something that I in my uber-aceness failed to recognize, something that more socially/romantically aware people would have jumped on immediately, etc. (It also doesn't help that to me, F's decision and reaction both made complete sense, so I end up feeling like I'm being "disloyal" to E by privately agreeing with everything F did!) I appreciate all your help, advice, support, and anecdotes. (And cake. And quokkas.) They've been a huge help. You're all great.