What now?

[RJB]

I've been married to my wife for about four and a half years, together for about eight. We both agreed to wait til after marriage, except it still hasn't happened. We've tried but my wife says she can't get into the mood and it always leaves me feeling like a rejected, ugly, fat piece of garbage. I've basically have given up. I don't think it will ever happen even though we talk about it after I finially break down after bottling up my feelings. She says she wants to and tries to reassure me she still does want to have sex. At this point I don't think she really does and just tells me this to make me feel better. I've honestly thought about suicide but won't because I don't want to leave anyone with the financial burden. I know it's important to communicate in a relationship but I don't like to bring up the subject because she always feels bad about herself afterwards and I feel like there isn't anything else to say that hasn't been said in the past. Obviously I've been able to get this far and try to stay positive but in the last few weeks it has been really hard for me. She found out she might be kinda asexual and we talked about it and plan to go to counseling this week. With the subject of sex in media and people asking if I have kids I feel like they are reminding me of how big of a unattractive looser I am. I love her and know how she feels isn't her fault. I don't want her to feel bad about it but now I have almost given up all hope because some things people can't change about themselves. 

[AverageAce]

I'm sex repulsed and I know how that feels, this is the reason I don't wanna marry coz eventually it'll all come to this. I can't give you any solution, but don't think you're unattractive or anything coz after all she married you, and she's trying. Hold each other tight and get through this. I'm sure you guys will find a solution.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I won't be of much help as I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, but know that if she is Asexual, then it's not because you're unattractive.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[uhtred]

OP

A sex life that works for both parties is vitally important for a happy marriage, this isn't something that will ever just go away.  There is nothing wrong with your desire for an active passionate sex life. There is nothing wrong with her not wanting sex.  But unless you can find a reasonable middle ground, you won't be happy together.

 

Don't hope "things will improve" because she is probably doing the same thing in the opposite direction. 

 

I've been in a mismatched marriage for >30 years now.  Don't be me.   Find a solution now, or leave. 

 

Do not have children until you resolve this, or you will be stuck together for the rest of your lives. 

[Maeve]

You sound like an incredible, loving person to me and I'm beyond amazed you've hung in there so long, seeing as how your physical needs are not being met. You two must really love and respect each other. That is wonderful. However, it doesn't change the fact that you're not getting what you need out of the relationship. It is heartbreaking to read how this has made you feel - especially that you sometimes feel suicidal. Your health is way too important to let this continue. Obviously she can't help who she is, but neither can you. And honestly, it's probably making her feel like crap, too. It's awful to feel like you're a disappointment to your partner and know that you're causing them distress. So it's bad all around. 

 

It's great that you're starting counseling. I think you'll get way more out of that than you can get on this forum, but just know that asexual or not, a healthy relationship is beneficial for everyone in it. If that balance cannot be achieved, then the relationship needs to change. It may be that you are better suited to be close friends and not marriage partners. Or there may be other ways to make the marriage healthy for both of you. Only you and your wife can determine the ultimate solution, but counseling can definitely help facilitate the process. 

 

All the best to you both ❤️

[anisotrophic]

From what you've written, it seems unlikely that continuing this relationship is a good idea. I hope it's a relief, though, to think about it in terms of asexuality – if your partner is asexual, it means that this was never about you. The self esteem hit is awful and real and you never deserved it. I'm sorry. And yet your partner never meant to do it to you.

Therapy sounds good. But like @uhtred said: you've invested a lot of time, but don't double down. This is like a heterosexual having a partner that is gay. From what you've shared, I'd say you should seriously consider that quitting this relationship is likely to be for the best – and I hope she loves you and also seriously considers this as potentially being for the best – maybe you can stay friends and be good to each other.