Jules.2P

I'm confused - Past and present thoughts

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Jules.2P

There is a big questionmark over my head. I don't even know where to start. 

I haven't thought about my sexuality for a long time, but a friend of mine asked me and since then, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I've had 2 relationships so far, both with men, but at the end of the day, I don't care if I'm in a relationship with a woman or a man. But one thing for sure: I want a relationship. I want someone to love, to rely on, to hold hands, to hug, to cuddle and  maybe to kiss- but that's it. I don't want to stick my tongue in someones throat and I don't want to be touched by anyone in certain areas. It's just- I don't like it and that's why I'm in this forum, because I'm still unsure about what I am and I feel the need to lable myself. To find peace with myself. 

I hope you can help me.

 

I had my first relationship with 17 until then I haven't thought much about sex. I didn't feel the need to masturbate and I didn't feel the need to change anything about it. Well until he (I'll call him Peter) and I were together for 3 months. I still didn't feel the need to sleep with him, but he on the other way did.

Peter asked me one evening, asked if I was ready to lose my virginity and I didn't have the heart to tell him "no, I will probably never be ready." I couldn't tell him that I don't want to have sex with him, because I didn't want him to quesion my love for him. I'm not very proud of that moment. I should have told him, that I don't like the thought about it to begin with. To be honest I was scared to death when the moment came and he kissed me longer and more deeply. I didn't feel good, it hurt and I questioned myself at that moment why I didn't tell him. I felt caged. 

At some point in our relationship I told him, that I don't want to sleep with him and I had the feeling that I could breath after a long time. The relationship didn't last long after I learned to say 'no'.

 

After that I was kinda scared to get into a relationship again, but I still wanted to. Meanwhile I informed myself on the internet and found the term 'asexuality' and I was incredibly relieved, because it fit so well and it gave me comfort. I had the feeling, that it was okey to not feel the need to sleep with the person you love. That I'm not abnormal. 

 

After some time my best friend confessed to me. He knew that I had trouble with my first relationship and that I might be asexual.

Long story short, after a while he asked me as well if can sleep with him and my dumbass self said: yes. I thought that it might be different, that maybe maybe I'm not asexual and the first relationship were just a bad experience. 

It was different indeed. I slept with him, because it ment a lot to him and it didn't hurt that much. It was okey, but when I'm honest I could have lived without the sex. We could have lived without it. Even when I did sleep with him I was to passive and never took the initiative. It hurt him and it was one of the reasons he broke up with me. 

 

Now we are in the present. I masturbate once in a while to feel normal, because I know my roomate does it all the time, but at the same time, I ask myself "what are you doing right now? Stupid" I know I pretend. That's the reason I stopped after I began to think about my sexuality again. 

 

When I'm on the street, just walking around I see people who I find attractive. I would never say, that I woule sleep with them. I think I find them attractive in another way, like a nice smile, beautiful eyes or stuff like that. It's not about this hot ass or perfect boobs. 

 

 

Now I'm here, at AVEN. I'm reading "ace & proud" right now and I'm sure I'm somewhere on the ace spectrum. I just don't know where.. 

Am I asexuell? Am I Grey-A?

Like I said, I feel the need to label myself, to have something to grab on when I have to explain myself (in case I find a new partner), maybe to even protect myself. 

Can you help me? 

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You sound Asexual to me, and Biromantic.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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Jules.2P
14 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

Welcome to AVEN!

 

You sound Asexual to me, and Biromantic.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

The cake looks hella good! Thanks for the offering haha that tradition is heart warming! 

 

And thanks for the fast reply, I appreciate it. I already feel welcome thanks to you. 

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