Living honest. Moving him out of my bed.

[ryn2]

It’s too bad he just doesn’t get it that certain sorts of touch are always sexual to you and should therefore be avoided unless sex is the goal.

 

Unless he does get it, and starts that way, and then just can’t go through with it.

 

Regardless, the current arrangement lets you both seek some clarity.

[RAZS]

Actually having a conversation today with my so called partner that involves me moving into a separate bedroom full time.  I can't take it anymore

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

........but  (and here's the rub-no pun intended) are you getting a better night's sleep?😋🍰

[anamikanon]

37 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

........but  (and here's the rub-no pun intended) are you getting a better night's sleep?😋🍰

Actually yes. I've been sleeping late due to some reason or the other (First night I just stayed up tormenting myself with worry about the relationship, then it has mostly been "my stuff" things I find interesting), but unlike when we sleep together, I'm asleep when my head hits the pillow. I wake up well rested. This is really working for me.

 

Not sure how he is doing. He hasn't said anything, but after the first day, he too has been much better, sounding affectionate. He isn't good at saying these things, but after seeing him for years, I think he is way less stressed - whether he likes the situation or not. Not remote, etc. Laughs more easily. He's also been physically more affectionate but not in the "foreplay" style. And so far, there haven't been any "elephant in the room" moments about sex. We aren't together all the time as much, but I don't think either of us minds that a lot. We are together a lot also in the day.

 

For all we know, this may turn out into an excellent QPR long term arrangement.

 

That said, this is mostly my side and my observations. He tends to clam up in such situations and his side of things is mostly my observations from his behavior. What he wants could be different. He has always been of the opinion that a "full" relationship with me can't exclude sex. Perhaps these few days show him different - or at least that this could be better than "full". Or if nothing else, at least give him the mental space to enter into a sexual relationship knowing what to expect and what he is able to handle.

 

I am not planning to impose my will so that the relationship only runs by my rules. I know he wants to sleep next to me every night, but he will not, if I refuse to have him there, obviously. I enjoy it too other than the elephant in the room. Once we both have a breather, we can sit down calmly and discuss. But my guess is that if he feels assured of his place in my life regardless of where we sleep, it will not be a very big issue for him, particularly if it spares him the guilt and pressure of my frustration too.

 

At the moment, since what he does and what he says or thinks he wants have such a mismatch, I'm not asking immediately, just experience this for a while and wait for him to have something to say rather than ask him.

[anamikanon]

Another idea I had for later, if he still prefers sleeping together is swapping bedrooms, so my bedroom can be his and we spend the time mostly in it, and I can go next door to the other bedroom if I need space. This will have other complications, because my bedroom is closer to my mom and kid, so that will put the burden of immediate attending to them on him if I spend more time in my room. They all love each other and are comfortable, but it is thankless work and I'd feel bad if he had to take it on. He already takes on a lot of responsibility for them without being asked. So I'll probably only suggest it if we reach a place where we are mostly ok sleeping together without sex again (or if a unicorn manifests and our relationship is mostly sexually satisfactory) so that I'll mostly be in the room anyway.

[anamikanon]

Good update: We have reached a sort of "understanding". By default, we sleep in separate rooms. If he is willing to be sexual, he will suggest sharing a bed. If I'm willing to be platonic, I'll suggest sharing a bed. If either of us needs to be together but he isn't in a mood to be sexual or I am not in a mood to be platonic, we will ask, and the other may or may not agree depending on how okay they feel about it.

 

This is looking like a good compromise between permanently sleeping together or apart and allows for us to sleep together on occasion, which we both enjoy. It also allows both of us ample space to be free of the conflict of the mismatch when we can't find meeting ground without worrying about permanent damage to our relationship by moving into separate beds. Taking each day at a time and taking the guesswork and ambiguity out is already making us both feel more secure.

 

So far, so good.

[Ms_Mia]

@anamikanon I'm glad to hear that this new arrangement is working out. It has been very frustrating to listen to other asexuals projecting their own issues on you and not hearing your willingness to compromise. I'm a gray ace currently in a functional relationship with my sexual spouse, so I'm rooting for you.

[anisotrophic]

[anamikanon]

This seems to be working. Last night, he initiated sexual interaction for the first time since we started sleeping apart. Not much happened, but I'm happy. I don't need much to happen. More like the closeness. It worked very well. Spending today with a silly grin on my face. Seems to have worked for him too. All smiley and cheerful. Tonight, inviting him over for a platonic cuddle will be a breeze for me.

[AspieAlly613]

I'm so happy for the two of you.  

[HuborBub?]

@anamikanon thanks for telling me (in my thread) about your intial success/relief with this arrangement.  It so happened the present thread was “next” and I read it from

Nov 1 to now. Makes me smile seeing the frustration melt away (based only on my perception of the tone of your text).  

 

There are similarities in our stories and of course differences.  I love finding similarity.  Enjoy your platonic cuddle!

[nanogretchen4]

Sounds like a good compromise strategy. This creates a more equal relationship by making both partners communicate and take the initiative to get their different intimacy needs met.