sh1965 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 I’ve had my Aha moment now. I’ve discovered there is an Asexual orientation, that it applies to me and that it answers so many questions from my past and makes those things make sense. I’ve accepted I’m Asexual or ‘ace’ which, I think, is a nice way of phrasing it. But what now? What do I do with that information? I’ve already decided I’m keeping it to myself for now. I don’t think, for reasons previously discussed on here, I’m going to tell my wife (at least not yet awhile any way), and if I’m not going to tell my wife, my best friend, then I can’t see me telling anybody else. If my mum was still alive, I might have told my mum; she would’ve understood, I think, and it may have helped her understand why she’d not had any grandchildren. My dad wouldn’t get it, he wouldn’t understand, so it’s not worth going there. But at least I’ve been able to tell AVEN and use this forum to talk about it with you good people. But what now? There’s so much information on here, and on the World Wide Web in general, and there’s no one size fits all as it’s a spectrum. I’m honestly daunted by the vast amount of information available to me and I haven’t even started looking at YouTube. But I don’t know what to look for that’s going to help me move forward from where I am now... Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 6, 2018 Author Share Posted November 6, 2018 ...and I’m also starting to ask why me? And wonder what it is I’ve been missing out on? The whole world, it seems, well 99% of it any way, is obsessed with sex and sexual attraction and the books, the songs, the TV programmes, the films, all make it seem so wonderful and special? So why me? Why do I get to miss out? Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 4 hours ago, sh1965 said: ...and I’m also starting to ask why me? And wonder what it is I’ve been missing out on? The whole world, it seems, well 99% of it any way, is obsessed with sex and sexual attraction and the books, the songs, the TV programmes, the films, all make it seem so wonderful and special? So why me? Why do I get to miss out? The same reason some people are homosexual rather than heterosexual? I have no idea why I've never had a strong urge to have sex with a female (or male). When I've come out to the few people , I just told them that part of me is missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted November 7, 2018 Share Posted November 7, 2018 15 hours ago, sh1965 said: I’ve already decided I’m keeping it to myself for now. I don’t think, for reasons previously discussed on here, I’m going to tell my wife (at least not yet awhile any way), and if I’m not going to tell my wife, my best friend, then I can’t see me telling anybody else. Calling yourself one way or the other doesn't actually change anything. It doesn't matter whether there's a "label" for what you experience (unless we're talking actual illnesses, of course). In short - you feel the way you feel. Your wife probably is aware about the way you feel, regardless of whether there's a term for it or not. I'm not saying that you should tell her, nor am I saying that you shouldn't. Just be aware that this "label" doesn't actually change anything Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 8, 2018 Share Posted November 8, 2018 15 hours ago, Homer said: Calling yourself one way or the other doesn't actually change anything. It doesn't matter whether there's a "label" for what you experience (unless we're talking actual illnesses, of course). In short - you feel the way you feel. Your wife probably is aware about the way you feel, regardless of whether there's a term for it or not. I'm not saying that you should tell her, nor am I saying that you shouldn't. Just be aware that this "label" doesn't actually change anything Unfortunately sometimes putting a name to something brings attention to it. That can be like tearing a scab off a healing wound. Of course it’s truly a personal decision but mine didn’t go so well... (so I know it can go both ways) wish it had gone well. I just think in some situations it’s smart to allow the healing to stay uninterrupted. Just my thoughts : ) Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 20, 2018 Author Share Posted November 20, 2018 So I’ve had some time to think about this now and whilst it’s good to know that I’m A-sexual, and that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just ‘ace’ like one in every hundred people, it doesn’t actually change anything. I wasn’t interested in sex before and this new knowledge won’t make me any more interested in sex. My wife and I are still married, and happy I think, and we’ve come to terms with our sexless marriage even if we didn’t actually know why we weren’t having sex. The one thing that’s changed is that I’ve lost interest in masturbating. I wonder if I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t having sex, and masturbated for the wrong reasons as some form of compensation? Maybe now that I’ve realised I’m A-sexual, and had time to process that information, I’ve accepted that I’m A-sexual and that it’s ok to not have sexual attraction and not to want to have sex, and consequently I no longer feel the urge to compensate by masturbating. Does that make any sense? I do feel better in myself and more at peace. My wife, as I’ve said before, seems happy so I’m going to keep this information to myself. Hopefully, though, my wife will benefit in subtle ways without realising because I’m in a better place and more at peace with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 11, 2019 Author Share Posted January 11, 2019 I work for a company that employs about 22,000 people. Every year they conduct a staff survey which includes questions around race, gender, disabilities and sexual orientation. I completed mine before Christmas and had already decided I was going to select asexual. Except it wasn't an option. Instead I selected Other. Then up popped a free text box asking what category should be added? I want to say I input asexual but, sorry, I chickened out. Maybe next year I'll be brave enough. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted January 11, 2019 Author Share Posted January 11, 2019 I expected it to be an option as there was quite a list, but when it wasn't, it threw me. Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 16 minutes ago, sh1965 said: I expected it to be an option as there was quite a list, but when it wasn't, it threw me. Don't think I would have been brave enough to make a stand either. Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted January 11, 2019 Share Posted January 11, 2019 I filled out a marketing survey last year and one of the choices for sexual orientation was asexual, which I selected. Link to post Share on other sites
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