53 and I think I’m asexual

[sh1965]

50 minutes ago, Mandy808 said:

Oh goodness... I think I wrote my last post in a way that could be seen multiple ways. I AGREE completely with you not saying anything now, as you’ve said, she is happy and you both are in a good place now. When I said “but I would guess it would help you” I meant it could help you to be talking here... not discussing it with your wife at this point (you never know what the future may hold). I would not “rock the boat either”, I just think “talking” here may be helpful to your well being. Looking back at my post, I see how it could be seen as differently, sorry about that! I think you are thoughtful to consider how it would affect her to bring it up at this point. Sorry for the confusion!  🌺 

No worries, @Mandy808, I think I’d read your post the way you’d intended it. I didn’t read it and think you were suggesting I tell my wife as I knew you weren’t meaning that. Best wishes.

[sh1965]

I’m not sure if this is a positive or a negative or just a natural reaction to my increased understanding of being Asexual and what that means... but I haven’t felt the urge or need to masturbate since I’ve been posting on AVEN and exploring my random memories in this new Asexual light.

[starting over]

I have noticed that for me, I feel better about myself overall after joining AVEN and “talking” with others and reading so much here. I read a section, I can’t remember what it was called but something to the effect of: things only asexuals get. I’ll have to see if I can find it... I HIGHLY recommend reading the posts. I laughed so hard I cried, I can’t remember laughing that hard in forever! I could relate to sooo many of the stories! I have laughed and cried more here as I’ve learned about asexuals than I have in all the years of searching for information elsewhere. I’m feeling so much healthier and better about who I am now (not much change in the marriage but I am seeing it differently and trying to figure out what I need to do still). I’d like to think that overall people have always considered me a kind person but I didn’t feel good about myself inside a lot due to the way my so treats me, now I’m realizing that I AM a good person even if I don’t want sex. I remember asking my so what I did that was so horrible other than to not want sex, there was nothing he had to say, yet I still felt bad about myself inside for that single reason ... that’s going away now. I told the few people I have confided in how this has been the best and the worst thing I ever could have done (connecting with this group). The best for me  and my self esteem deep down (I tried to hide the hurting so it didn’t show) , the worst as I see my marriage clearer now and need to figure it out....I’ll go now and try to find that section... I highly recommend it! 🌺

[starting over]

Forum: Asexual Musings and Rantings

Sub-section:  incredibly ace moments 

I laughed and cried and related to so many things! I highly recommended reading some!!

[sh1965]

50 minutes ago, Mandy808 said:

Forum: Asexual Musings and Rantings

Sub-section:  incredibly ace moments 

I laughed and cried and related to so many things! I highly recommended reading some!!

Thanks @Mandy808, I will definitely check that out.

[will123]

When I first found out about asexuality and AVEN back in 2005 I didn't bother to sign up. I was content that I was asexual but that was that. It wasn't until I joined AVEN last year that I fully embraced my identity. Reading thru the various posts and stories that fellow aces have shared on the forum REALLY helped me in eliminating any doubts I may have had identifying as an asexual.

 

I've pretty much opened up my life experiences to the folks here. A lot of the content may be TMI to the chagrin of the community, but it is WONDERFUL to have a place to discuss 'things' we haven't got the courage to share with others.

 

@sh1965 I hope thru AVEN you are able to accept your asexuality for what it is and you feel positive about it. As you can see you're not alone and we're all here to lend a 'helping hand'.

 

Finally, since I've embraced my identity, I've come out to four people that I know. Before last year I wasn't comfortable with the idea of telling anyone that I wasn't interested in sex. Just to let you know, the reaction to my coming out has been positive.

[sh1965]

Thanks @will123, I appreciate you taking the time to post that. At the moment I’m glad I found AVEN and that I can finally explain and understand why I am like I am. It’s great knowing that I’m not alone in this. For now, I’m content to find out more about Asexuality and see where that takes me. I’m feeling better already after only a week on here. It’s like my skin finally fits and feels comfortable. As to whether I’ll tell anybody or not, well time will tell on that one. Right now I’m happy learning more for myself, anything else can wait.

 

I’m glad you’ve been able to embrace your identity and that life is treating you well. It’s great that you’ve been able to tell people and it’s been received positively. Not sure I see myself telling anybody for some time, if at all.

 

Thanks for following and commenting, I appreciate it so much.

[will123]

1 hour ago, sh1965 said:

Thanks @will123, I appreciate you taking the time to post that. At the moment I’m glad I found AVEN and that I can finally explain and understand why I am like I am. It’s great knowing that I’m not alone in this. For now, I’m content to find out more about Asexuality and see where that takes me. I’m feeling better already after only a week on here. It’s like my skin finally fits and feels comfortable. As to whether I’ll tell anybody or not, well time will tell on that one. Right now I’m happy learning more for myself, anything else can wait.

 

I’m glad you’ve been able to embrace your identity and that life is treating you well. It’s great that you’ve been able to tell people and it’s been received positively. Not sure I see myself telling anybody for some time, if at all.

 

Thanks for following and commenting, I appreciate it so much.

That's a great way to put it.

 

As much I felt comfortable coming out to those people, I'm not inclined to announce it to the world.

[will123]

On 11/1/2018 at 4:35 AM, sh1965 said:

As the man, I felt a lot of pressure. Apologies for being crude but the man has to put his penis inside the woman which means the man has to initiate things, at least that’s the way I saw it. But when it came to sex I was unable to initiate anything because I wasn’t feeling anything, I wasn’t sexually attracted or aroused to instigate anything (assuming that’s the way it works). 

I know what you mean. I knew the 'mechanics' of sex, but not the actual 'procedure'. When I was in my 20s I had two female friends, but never attempted to initiate sex let alone anything romantic like hand holding or cuddling. I was aware that both girls were sexually active (don't ask), but they never attempted anything sexual with me. I can only surmise that due to my lack of attempting any sexual 'activity' with them, they may have thought I was gay.

 

Also, I'm not sure what you've read on AVEN, but I'm still a virgin at 57. In a discussion a while back about virginity and sexual inexperience, I described my sexual situation when I was younger as a vicious circle. I was afraid to try to have sex because I had never done it and because of that I was afraid to ask...

[starting over]

56 minutes ago, will123 said:

That's a great way to put it.

 

As much I felt comfortable coming out to those people, I'm not inclined to announce it to the world.

 

30 minutes ago, will123 said:

I know what you mean. I knew the 'mechanics' of sex, but not the actual 'procedure'. When I was in my 20s I had two female friends, but never attempted to initiate sex let alone anything romantic like hand holding or cuddling. I was aware that both girls were sexually active (don't ask), but they never attempted anything sexual with me. I can only surmise that due to my lack of attempting any sexual 'activity' with them, they may have thought I was gay.

 

Also, I'm not sure what you've read on AVEN, but I'm still a virgin at 57. In a discussion a while back about virginity and sexual inexperience, I described my sexual situation when I was younger as a vicious circle. I was afraid to try to have sex because I had never done it and because of that I was afraid to ask...

 

56 minutes ago, will123 said:

That's a great way to put it.

 

As much I felt comfortable coming out to those people, I'm not inclined to announce it to the world.

... I am messing up this whole “quote” thing  miserably 🤣🤣 but I what to fully agree with the “finally fitting into my skin”... wow! Perfectly put! 

[sh1965]

It’s good to know I’m not on my own, @will123, and I know exactly what you mean. Strangely I’ve not had too many issues with hand holding, cuddling, hugging and kissing but I know exactly what you mean about the viscous circle. I’ve been married 30 years to a woman who does, or at least did want to have sex with me, and I still haven’t been able to. It’s hard to explain but I’ve never wanted to put my penis inside her. At least being Asexual explains that, but it still goes against everything I thought I wanted as a teenager and a young man.

 

I’ve not explored too much on AVEN yet to be honest. I’ve looked at the obvious topics around the theory and the Q&As etc. but I haven’t had chance to do a thorough exploration of this forum. It still seems a bit daunting and I’m trying to find a way to navigate through all the sections and topics to the posts that will resonate and help me.

 

Thanks for sharing and being open.

[starting over]

There are so many variations of being asexual, some people are romantic (they like holding hands, cuddles etc) and some prefer not to cuddle up or be romantic. Some asexuals don’t mind having sex if a partner wants it, some are repulsed. And those are just a drop in the bucket of the variations out there. None are right or wrong, just variations 🌺

[starting over]

Two more sub-sections to look at (same main category as previous suggestion:

#asexual problems

I should have known I was asexual when

 

~for when when you need a laugh😂~

 

[sh1965]

7 hours ago, Mandy808 said:

Two more sub-sections to look at (same main category as previous suggestion:

#asexual problems

I should have known I was asexual when

 

~for when when you need a laugh😂~

 

Thank you.

[sh1965]

Random Memory #4

 

We advance now to my 40's and an 18-month or so period of my life that I'm really not proud of at all. I regret it deeply, particularly knowing what I know now, and if I could go back in time and do that differently then I would do so in a heartbeat. I put my wife through a lot during that time and told her I wanted a divorce.

 

First some background. I'm an only child. My mum (may she rest in peace) was an only child. My dad had one brother. I had three cousins but we rarely saw them, probably only in the lead-up to Christmas and at weddings and funerals. I grew up introverted, painfully shy, socially awkward with strangers, and at senior school I always got tongue-tied talking to girls I 'fancied'. I say 'fancied' but I know now that I find some woman aesthetically attractive, I appreciate their eyes, or their smile, or their hair, or the clothes they wear and I know enough from being 'in' on some of the conversations my male friends have that the 'sexual' way they see women is completely different to the Asexual way I see them. (I hope that bit doesn't offend anybody, but I can't think how else to word it).

 

By my 40's I think I was starting to get it, I would've been an idiot not to have picked up on the signs. But I was confusing aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, I think, and I also wasn't seeing the BIG picture.

 

I'd realised by then that I didn't have any sexual attraction, that I didn't get sexually aroused and had no libido, but I didn't see the full picture and didn't fully understand it. I'd not had much experience with women. My wife was only my second girlfriend ever. I'd met her when I was 18 and she was 17, and I rationalised things to mean that I wasn't sexually attracted to my wife, didn't get aroused, had no libido, and therefore wasn't sexually compatible with my wife. Given my upbringing, I convinced myself that I'd fallen for and married someone who, effectively, was the sister I'd never had. I thought that if I separated from and divorced my wife, then I'd be able to find someone who I was sexually compatible with.

 

So, after weeks and weeks of working myself up to it, I did the hardest thing I've ever done, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. Fortunately for me, as it turns out, my wife would have none of it. She told me flat out that she didn't want a divorce. She told me she loved me. She admitted that she'd wrestled with our sexless marriage, knew that she was probably missing out on something wonderful, knew she was missing out on being a mother, but that it was ok. She said she'd come to terms with it, and had made peace with it, and she suggested I did too.

 

I do wonder though if, subconsciously, I was beginning to realise the BIG picture about being Asexual because I could've left. I could've moved out. But I didn't and I'm so glad I didn't. It took me longer than my wife to come to terms with it, and make peace with it, but I did. I have. And now, in our 50s, life is good.

 

I so regret that period now, and am truly sorry for the pain and hurt I put my wife through. As I said earlier, if I could go back in time with the knowledge I have now and do that over I would do so in a heartbeat.

 

Thanks for reading and listening.

[starting over]

None of us are perfect. Owning up to that is huge. It’s never to late to let her know how wonderful she is (no need to bring up the past and your specific reasons unless you feel it is the time) and how much you admire her. Little things like a foot rub (you seem to be fine with touch, but I could be wrong), her favorite ice cream showing up in the freezer, flowers for no reason, a movie rental with an actor she likes... all those little things (which you might already do!) are wonderful ways to say “I love you and you mean so much to me” ... 🌺

[starting over]

It sounds like your wife is truly a wonderful and strong person... and that she genuinely  loves you... and you her... she was able to see the person you were/are and decide you were still the one she loved with or without sex... 

   I’m sure  that must have been a very hard time for you, I assume part of your reasoning for suggesting a divorce was to allow her to seak out something that seemed to be missing for her, that could not have been easy for you. There’s a country song: Thank God for Unanswered Prayers...

[sh1965]

8 minutes ago, Mandy808 said:

None of us are perfect. Owning up to that is huge. It’s never to late to let her know how wonderful she is (no need to bring up the past and your specific reasons unless you feel it is the time) and how much you admire her. Little things like a foot rub (you seem to be fine with touch, but I could be wrong), her favorite ice cream showing up in the freezer, flowers for no reason, a movie rental with an actor she likes... all those little things (which you might already do!) are wonderful ways to say “I love you and you mean so much to me” ... 🌺

Thank you. That was hard to write but it's good I've found AVEN where I can share things with people who understand and don't judge.

 

My wife's funny about her feet but she does like having her back scratched, so I'm happy to oblige. We're making more of an effort to do things together and have 'date nights'. We're going to the cimema later to watch 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. We're both big Queen fans so I hope they've made a good job of the film, the reviews are positive. We recently went to watch 'Johnny English' (so funny) and they've refurbished our local cinema so all the screens have luxury reclining seats and plenty of room. We've also got two trips to the theatre lined up this month plus a weekend away with friends.

[starting over]

Wow! Sound like you have some great plans already...And back “tickles” are the best! 

[starting over]

I too have found soooo much support here at AVEN. It’s pretty impressive how much support and lack of negativity there is here! Make you wonder how the world would be if it was all asexuals? HAHA! Although the population might dwindle a bit 🤔

[sh1965]

3 minutes ago, Mandy808 said:

It sounds like your wife is truly a wonderful and strong person... and that she genuinely  loves you... and you her... she was able to see the person you were/are and decide you were still the one she loved with or without sex... 

   I’m sure  that must have been a very hard time for you, I assume part of your reasoning for suggesting a divorce was to allow her to seak out something that seemed to be missing for her, that could not have been easy for you. There’s a country song: Thank God for Unanswered Prayers...

She is. And yes, I think you may be right, although I'm not sure how conscious any thoughts about allowing her to seek out what was missing for her were. I was pretty selfish during what I now think of as my mid-life crisis but deep down I'm not a selfish person. I do tend to put others first and want the people in my life to be happy.

 

I'm not aware of that country song, I'll have to track it down. I assume it'll be on YouTube or Spotify or somesuch.

 

Thank you.

[sh1965]

4 minutes ago, Mandy808 said:

I too have found soooo much support here at AVEN. It’s pretty impressive how much support and lack of negativity there is here! Make you wonder how the world would be if it was all asexuals? HAHA! Although the population might dwindle a bit 🤔

😁 LOL 🤣

[starting over]

I just looked it up: it’s called “unanswered prayers” by Garth Brooks.  I’m not saying it’s a parallel to your life by any means, it’s just an old song that comes to mind when I look at something in my life and I’m grateful that a “prayer“ was unanswered… I don’t even remember the lyrics, just the main part about “thanking god for unanswered prayers” 

[sh1965]

1 minute ago, Mandy808 said:

I just looked it up: it’s called “unanswered prayers” by Garth Brooks.  I’m not saying it’s a parallel to your life by any means, it’s just an old song that comes to mind when I look at something in my life and I’m grateful that a “prayer“ was unanswered… I don’t even remember the lyrics, just the main part about “thanking god for unanswered prayers” 

I have an eclectic taste in music so am always looking out for new tracks... I'l be sure to track (pardon the pun) it down 😉

[sh1965]

5 hours ago, Mandy808 said:

I just looked it up: it’s called “unanswered prayers” by Garth Brooks.  I’m not saying it’s a parallel to your life by any means, it’s just an old song that comes to mind when I look at something in my life and I’m grateful that a “prayer“ was unanswered… I don’t even remember the lyrics, just the main part about “thanking god for unanswered prayers” 

‘Unanswered Prayers’ by Garth Brooks

 

Lyrics: https://www.songfacts.com/lyrics/garth-brooks/unanswered-prayers

 

From the album ‘Fences’ [1990].

 

Thank you. Very powerful lyrics. Not a parallel to my life at all but I can sure relate to the overall message of being thankful I didn’t get what I wished for...

[starting over]

Song Spoiler Alert: Yes, it’s been so long since I’ve heard the song that I can’t temember much about it (I do temember that he was grateful that he didn’t get the woman he had originally wanted, which is why I knew it did not parallel your life at all) but the main idea of being grateful that you didn’t get what you thought you wanted sure holds true to most of us at one time or another : ) I’m glad you had a moment to look it up... I remember it being a good song overall : ) 

[sh1965]

Unless anything else occurs to me I don’t think there’ll be any more Random Memories from me. The four I’ve shared are the most significant where finding out about Asexuality was a light bulb A-ha moment which, for me, helps explain why those things happened.

 

I may update with some minor Random Memories as and when they occur to me but I’ve shared the BIG ones and it’s been very therapeutic. Thanks to everybody who’s followed, read, reacted or commented on these posts.

 

I’ll keep updating this thread as I continue to explore and learn...

 

Thank you. AVEN is wonderful, I’m glad I found it.

[Dot.2.Dot]

 Welcome to AVEN! 

 

I am 48 and discovered that asexual fit me earlier this year. I  wasn't aware of it either and this site came up because I was actually trying to find out how to act like a female...lol  I've been married three times and my lack of interest in sex always caused issues until this last one. Now it's me who isn't happy but sex is totally unrelated. Go figure...

 

You sound ace to me as well. So many things make more sense to me since I've hung around here and done some research. I haven't told my husband either but that's because he acts like nothing I say matters or he doesn't listen to anyway so there's no point in sharing.

 

It's strange, finding out things about yourself this late in the game. Life would have been a lot easier and made more sense if some things had come to light early on. Now, it's all about.. What does this mean to me? and simply discovering. 

 

My $0.02.

~Hank

[starting over]

True....

[sh1965]

5 hours ago, Sashanka said:

 Welcome to AVEN! 

 

I am 48 and discovered that asexual fit me earlier this year. I  wasn't aware of it either and this site came up because I was actually trying to find out how to act like a female...lol  I've been married three times and my lack of interest in sex always caused issues until this last one. Now it's me who isn't happy but sex is totally unrelated. Go figure...

 

You sound ace to me as well. So many things make more sense to me since I've hung around here and done some research. I haven't told my husband either but that's because he acts like nothing I say matters or he doesn't listen to anyway so there's no point in sharing.

 

It's strange, finding out things about yourself this late in the game. Life would have been a lot easier and made more sense if some things had come to light early on. Now, it's all about.. What does this mean to me? and simply discovering. 

 

My $0.02.

~Hank

Thank you for your two cents worth, Hank. That is all very true and I can relate to it more and more now that I’m understanding about Asexuality and processing this information. I just wish I’d known when I was much younger, but we can’t turn back the clock unfortunately. Best wishes, Hank, and thanks again for you $0.02.