starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 Ramble away, I’m listening 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
Demi Dad Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 @sh1965 i understand ,i lost my wife five years ago i was with her for over 23 years and there was issues that i had that caused a rift in our marriage and couldn't explain until AVEN four an half years later after her death, for me telling her i think would have made our life better but we are all different and handle thing differently so that being said, I am glad you relationship is strong enough to handle what you and your wife went thru and i hope it get even better with more understanding of your self Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I think you are right that when the time feels right (each person knows their relationship best) AND (most likely) when the relationship is strong, not just “ok” but strong, sharing this info (being an asexual) can definitely be benificial. I think it is important to choose the timing well BUT each relationship is different and maybe the timing isn’t as important for some people. Perhaps the knowledge is more important. It’s tricky and can truly go very well or not so well (mine did not go well... I was so happy to share this new knowledge and it was not taken well). I hope any and all who go this route have a happy ending 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 Random Memory #1 So we’re on our honeymoon. We’re staying at Kitzbuhl in Austria. It’s August, warmer than we’d expected (I’d packed woolly jumpers), and the scenery was beautiful. We’d done things the traditional way so both of us were living with parents up to our wedding day. Our wedding night we stayed at a hotel. We had a house we’d been decorating for a few months we were going to move into on our return. The number of times we’d shared a bed were few and far between, there was one holiday in Jersey I think. There was our Wedding Night. And the honeymoon. On all occasions my wife had worn a nightie or PJs and I’d worn PJs. Nothing had happened other than we talked and slept as far as I can remember. Maybe a kiss, maybe some fumbling, but nothing noteworthy enough for me to remember. So I’m having a shower one morning, early in on the honeymoon, and my wife comes into the shower with me, she jumped in naked, declaring, “This is what you’ve got!” And I looked at her. That’s pretty much all I did. I think I smiled, because she is good to look at, but there was nothing. I didn’t feel any sexual impulses at all. I didn’t get an erection. There was no evidence of sex drive or libido. After an awkwardness I took her in my arms and kissed her - I do like hugs, cuddles and kisses - but at the time the 23 year old me was hoping this would kick-start something down below but nothing. I said something like, “I need to shower” and my wife left me to it. I was so embarrassed, frustrated, confused, and annoyed with myself at the time. I can’t even begin to imagine what my 22 year old wife must have thought. When I came out the shower she was in bed with a nightie or PJs on, probably a nightie thinking about it as it was our honeymoon. She went straight into the bathroom as I came out and closed the door. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 4 hours ago, Demi Dad said: @sh1965 i understand ,i lost my wife five years ago i was with her for over 23 years and there was issues that i had that caused a rift in our marriage and couldn't explain until AVEN four an half years later after her death, for me telling her i think would have made our life better but we are all different and handle thing differently so that being said, I am glad you relationship is strong enough to handle what you and your wife went thru and i hope it get even better with more understanding of your self Thank you for sharing @Demi Dad. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you didn’t realise about AVEN while your wife was still alive. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 I’m sorry, that must have been hard for both of you. I find myself looking back to times like that as well and being surprised that I didn’t figure it out sooner (like a lot of us don’t). I think that the year and age we are definitely plays into it though... no real knowledge of asexuals etc back then. I have adult children and am an advocate of them living together before marriage (never thought I would be!) so they can make sure they are sexually and otherwise matched well... in this day and age it is a socially acceptable option that I think might help marriages last. Who really knows though... Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 My two cents would be to not jump into sharing until you feel the time is right, whatever that may be for you and your wife. You will know. Also, it can’t hurt to really take some time to figure this out yourself ahead of “the talk”🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 38 minutes ago, sh1965 said: Thank you for sharing @Demi Dad. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you didn’t realise about AVEN while your wife was still alive. Best wishes to you. 4 hours ago, Demi Dad said: @sh1965 i understand ,i lost my wife five years ago i was with her for over 23 years and there was issues that i had that caused a rift in our marriage and couldn't explain until AVEN four an half years later after her death, for me telling her i think would have made our life better but we are all different and handle thing differently so that being said, I am glad you relationship is strong enough to handle what you and your wife went thru and i hope it get even better with more understanding of your self I’m sorry for your loss as well. Although the road may not have been smooth, you traveled it together for many years and a bond is built. It sounds like she would have understood, I’m sure she would want you to not carry that weight now. 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 1 hour ago, Mandy808 said: I’m sorry, that must have been hard for both of you. I find myself looking back to times like that as well and being surprised that I didn’t figure it out sooner (like a lot of us don’t). I think that the year and age we are definitely plays into it though... no real knowledge of asexuals etc back then. I have adult children and am an advocate of them living together before marriage (never thought I would be!) so they can make sure they are sexually and otherwise matched well... in this day and age it is a socially acceptable option that I think might help marriages last. Who really knows though... I’m sure it was for my wife. I know it was for me. Thing is, that 23 year old me was very naive, he thought there was plenty of time and that it would all come right in the end and that his wife and him would find a way. He didn’t realise that it was always going to be like that... Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 It happens like the old saying about cooking a frog... so slow we don’t see it happening. And on top of that, most of us are genuinely baffled. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 1 hour ago, Mandy808 said: My two cents would be to not jump into sharing until you feel the time is right, whatever that may be for you and your wife. You will know. Also, it can’t hurt to really take some time to figure this out yourself ahead of “the talk”🌺 I’m thinking the same. Things are good for both of us now, probably the best they’ve ever been (except maybe when we were young, full of optimism for the future, and were unaware of the problems that lay ahead of us). Maybe our age has something to do with it, or the different perspective from losing a parent, or something else... but whatever the reason, we’ve both found peace in our lives and and peace with each other. Why risk disrupting that peace and happiness? Other than increasing our knowledge and understanding of our past problems which we’ve put behind us I see little to gain and a lot to lose if it rakes up lots of bad stuff from the past creating tension and disharmony between us. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 30, 2018 Share Posted October 30, 2018 You will know IF and WHEN to bring it up... but I think you are being smart to let BOTH of you enjoy the peace and good times : ) In the meantime though, I don’t see any harm in educating yourself as much or as little as you desire. Good luck and know that there are people always her to talk... Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 3 minutes ago, Mandy808 said: You will know IF and WHEN to bring it up... but I think you are being smart to let BOTH of you enjoy the peace and good times : ) In the meantime though, I don’t see any harm in educating yourself as much or as little as you desire. Good luck and know that there are people always her to talk... Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 14 hours ago, Mandy808 said: It happens like the old saying about cooking a frog... so slow we don’t see it happening. And on top of that, most of us are genuinely baffled. Yes that poor frog. Baffled is a good word for it. So much that made no sense and baffled me, confused me, frustrated me, even annoyed me seems to be taking some kind of shape in my mind like pieces of a jigsaw falling into place. Not all the pieces are there yet, but I sense the picture on the box lid is coming into focus and starting to make sense. I feel like if I was asked questions about things from the past I could begin to explain them. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 There’s so much information to take in and read up on about Asexuality that it seems somewhat daunting at the moment and I’m not sure exactly where to start or what to focus on. Any ideas or suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 1 hour ago, sh1965 said: There’s so much information to take in and read up on about Asexuality that it seems somewhat daunting at the moment and I’m not sure exactly where to start or what to focus on. Any ideas or suggestions? Can't go wrong with Questions About Asexuality Anything else really depends on what you stumble upon in particular and where your thoughts take you. Some people jump into the rabbit hole of Asexual Relationships because they want to connect the dots in hindsight. Others try to organize their thoughts by posting in Asexual Musings And Rantings. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 There's also AVEN's FAQ, if you haven't seen it, already. Don't worry about trying to memorize or take in all the information at once; it is a lot to take in, so, perhaps, it might be helpful to read a little bit, each day, or reread information, again. Then, over time, it'll probably seem a little easier to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Thanks @Homer and @InquisitivePhilosopher Link to post Share on other sites
Demi Dad Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 Thanks @sh1965 and @Mandy808 for your condolences , i am moving forward in life not forgetting her but letting go of the pain of not having her in my life. my life has improved a lot since then with the help of my family and friends. reading forums post from people like you two and many others along with reading other thing on asexuality and watching videos like Ted talk on Asexuality has help me understand that the15 year old me wasn't a weird kid that grew into a weird 47yr old adult, just a normal one. 🤗🤗🤗 Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 I agree, read and reread with plenty of breaks (don’t overwhelm yourself if you can help it!). YouTube is interesting to. Just keep in mind that you may need to dig threw 1000 different “aces” to get to you... that’s ok too... good to learn about others, just don’t expect it to all apply to you (probably a good thing... I can’t even begin to imagine if it ALL applied to me!!!!!) 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted October 31, 2018 Author Share Posted October 31, 2018 Random Memory #2 I hope you don’t mind these random memories (don’t worry there’s not many, well not to do with sex any way). I’m finding it therapeutic to reflect on these in light of what I’m discovering about Asexuality and typing them out on here is helping me process these memories in a new light. So the 23-year old me, who’s naked wife jumped into the shower with him on their honeymoon, and nothing happened, naievely thought that it would all happen as it should given time. But, of course, it didn’t. Despite everything he read and saw on TV and film assuring him it was natural and instinct would take over, it wasn’t happening. The somewhat older me, maybe early 30’s, concluded it was because he didn’t know what to do, cue more ineffectual fumblings and frustrating non-events. Still neither of us could talk about it. One day, I can’t remember how, I heard about a book called ‘The Joy of Sex’ (what an ironic title for an Asexual, huh?). Any way after a while mulling it over, I went into town, went to a major bookshop, and purchased it. My initial thought was I’d look through it, get a better idea of what I was meant to do (How difficult can it be? my inner voice was saying), and then give it a go and have sex with my wife. Finally. That was the plan, but needless to say it didn’t work out like that. The book, I think, was good. It was basically a couple’s sex manual and covered all kinds of things. It was accompanied by very tastefully done photos of a naked couple and essentially the text told you what to do and the photos showed you what to do in a tasteful, well done way. It was exactly what I’d been looking for but it wasn’t having the expected effect on me. I knew it wasn’t porn, but I’d expected it would get me aroused (it didn’t), would give me the signs of an erection (it didn’t), and most surprisingly I couldn’t imagine myself doing any of these things with my wife. I should’ve left it at that. Or shown it to my wife and suggested we work through it together, but we never have been able to talk about sex, and we certainly couldn’t back then, but working through the book together as a couple, discussing it, is how the book’s meant to be used. I should’ve left it at that. If I’d known I was Asexual I would have, probably would never have bought it in the first place. But I didn’t. I did something I’m not particularly proud of. I wrapped the book up as a present and gave it to my wife. She opened it and stormed out the bedroom saying, “Why is it always down to me?” I wanted to tell her that I was out of ideas and that left to me we were never going to have sex. But I said nothing. Neither of us mentioned it again. And I’ve not seen the book since. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 I believe you did that out of the genuine love you had/have for your wife and the best of misguided intentions. 🌺 I think we ALL would have done some things so differently had we known from the start, I know I would have... Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Thank you @Mandy808, yes that’s how I’ve rationalised and see it now. I wasn’t doing that thing with the book out of spite or malice and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass her or anything but I had run out of ideas. Your word ‘misguided’ is a good one, misguided intentions, yes. As the man, I felt a lot of pressure. Apologies for being crude but the man has to put his penis inside the woman which means the man has to initiate things, at least that’s the way I saw it. But when it came to sex I was unable to initiate anything because I wasn’t feeling anything, I wasn’t sexually attracted or aroused to instigate anything (assuming that’s the way it works). In our relationship my wife has always worn the trousers so to speak. I was a shy, introvert and my wife is an outgoing extrovert. We’re equals in our relationship but when it comes to compromising, whilst we both are prepared to, and do compromise, I’d say more often than not I’m the one who compromises the most. If there has to be a final say, I’d guess my wife gets the final say and I’m happy with that as everything is decided for the benefit of us and our relationship. It’s the way it is for us, and it works for us. What I mean is that in all areas of our life, if one of us needs to step up and take control of a situation, then my wife will do that. Except for this one area. When it came to sex, my wife couldn’t do that. We were both at a loss and, as I’ve said before, we never have been able to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 11 hours ago, sh1965 said: Thank you @Mandy808, yes that’s how I’ve rationalised and see it now. I wasn’t doing that thing with the book out of spite or malice and I certainly didn’t want to embarrass her or anything but I had run out of ideas. Your word ‘misguided’ is a good one, misguided intentions, yes. As the man, I felt a lot of pressure. Apologies for being crude but the man has to put his penis inside the woman which means the man has to initiate things, at least that’s the way I saw it. But when it came to sex I was unable to initiate anything because I wasn’t feeling anything, I wasn’t sexually attracted or aroused to instigate anything (assuming that’s the way it works). In our relationship my wife has always worn the trousers so to speak. I was a shy, introvert and my wife is an outgoing extrovert. We’re equals in our relationship but when it comes to compromising, whilst we both are prepared to, and do compromise, I’d say more often than not I’m the one who compromises the most. If there has to be a final say, I’d guess my wife gets the final say and I’m happy with that as everything is decided for the benefit of us and our relationship. It’s the way it is for us, and it works for us. What I mean is that in all areas of our life, if one of us needs to step up and take control of a situation, then my wife will do that. Except for this one area. When it came to sex, my wife couldn’t do that. We were both at a loss and, as I’ve said before, we never have been able to talk about it. Sh1955, I think you should know that it sounds like you were/are about as perfect of a husband as you could have been (aside from the sex part which neither of you could control). In saying this, I want you to clearly understand that 1-please know I’m not trying to “hit on you”... I just think you should know it. 2- I was NOT referring to you letting her “wear the pants” (someone usually has to be the one to wear the pants and I don’t think it matters who, as long as both people are good with it and it is done with the best interest of both in mind). This text is sounding much more awkward than I had imagined but I really think you need to hear what an amazingly person/husband you are. I am actually basing this more on PAST texts (or whatever they are called) and the kind way you respond to and talk about your wife and your relationship. Don’t let this stop you from any venting you may need to do though. We all need to vent sometimes. I am sure you (like the entire world) are not perfect and have said/done things you regret, but again, you need to know that you truly seem like a wonderful person and I hope you allow yourself to acknowledge that 🌺 PS I’m sure your wife is a wonderful person as well! Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Wow @Mandy808, that’s so kind of you to say. Thank you. I’m generally someone who puts other people first, and wants people to be happy, and I’m a good listener. I think I make a good friend. Fundamentally I think my wife and I are good friends, best friends, and that’s probably why we’ve survived our way through all this and are still married and still together. I’m not perfect though, far from it, and I’ve done and said a number of things I’m ashamed of, that I deeply regret, and if you knew what they were you might rethink your last post (I think that might be what they’re called) about how perfect I am. Maybe sometime I’ll talk about those things, but I don’t think I’m ready to do that on here yet. And yes, my wife is a wonderful person as well. At least I think so. I’m not sure who else would have stayed married to me for 30 years in a sexless marriage. Thanks again for your last post. It brought a tear to my eye. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 NONE of us are perfect..but there is a big difference in how people are inside, the “true” person they are... 🌺 it’s wonderthat you have such a great friendship🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 1, 2018 Author Share Posted November 1, 2018 Random Memory #3 To be fair to my wife, after the book fiasco (see Random Memory #2), she did try a couple of things. A few days after the book incident, she came downstairs in her dressing gown, grabbed my hand, and led me upstairs into the bathroom. She’d run a bubble bath and put tea lights around the edges. She took off her dressing gown and gestured for me to take off my clothes, which I did. I got into the bath first and my wife followed, she stepped in between my legs and sat down so that her back was against my chest. We did some caressing, and I wrapped my arms around her, fumbled with her breasts, kissed a bit, although that was awkward in that position, baths really aren’t made for two, at least ours isn’t, but we ended up just talking, with me holding her from behind. We talked about anything and everything, anything and everything except about sex, until the water got cold and we got out and dried each other with towels. We dressed and that was that. At no point did I feel anything sexual, no sexual attraction, no sexual arousal, no erection. Except my wife did try again a few days later. Pretty much the same again, another hot bubble bath for two, but with the same outcome. She didn’t try the bath thing again after that. It was around this time that my wife started going to bed naked and so I started doing the same. This did lead to us spending more time cuddling and kissing in bed but it didn’t lead to anything sexual - same no-result for me, no sexual attraction, arousal or erection - although I did put my fingers inside her at one point. She seemed to like that, but it did nothing for me. This lasted about a week, maybe two, and then we were back to just a good night kiss and a cuddle once more. After a while I started sleeping in my PJs again and my wife would tug at the trouser leg until I took them off, but still nothing beyond a kiss and a cuddle. But even with all this, neither of us actually raised the subject of sex in conversation with each other. It was, and still is, an unwritten rule that we don’t talk about sex. My wife sleeps naked still but I’m back to sleeping in my PJs again. My wife no longer tugs the trouser leg for me to take them off. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 I think it’s good “therapy” for you to be able to express these memories, especially now with your new insights...Given what you have shared, it sounds like your wife may be uncomfortable discussing this, at least at this point, but I would guess it will help you... and a marriage is two people, the healthier you are, the stronger that marriage/friendship is likely to be 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
sh1965 Posted November 2, 2018 Author Share Posted November 2, 2018 Yes I’m finding it very therapeutic and going over these memories again in my mind is reinforcing the realisation that I’m Asexual and how that explains so much. As I’ve said before @Mandy808, my wife seems happy and in a good place and I see very little to gain in telling her but, potentially, a lot to lose if it takes her away from her happy place which raking up things she’s made peace with has every possibility of doing. Hopefully if this helps me and makes me more comfortable in my own skin my wife will benefit from that. Maybe in the future it may be appropriate to tell her but for now I’m not going to rock the boat. Link to post Share on other sites
starting over Posted November 2, 2018 Share Posted November 2, 2018 Oh goodness... I think I wrote my last post in a way that could be seen multiple ways. I AGREE completely with you not saying anything now, as you’ve said, she is happy and you both are in a good place now. When I said “but I would guess it would help you” I meant it could help you to be talking here... not discussing it with your wife at this point (you never know what the future may hold). I would not “rock the boat either”, I just think “talking” here may be helpful to your well being. Looking back at my post, I see how it could be seen as differently, sorry about that! I think you are thoughtful to consider how it would affect her to bring it up at this point. Sorry for the confusion! 🌺 Link to post Share on other sites
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