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My relationship??


Rachelink

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Hi all. Sooo I want to explain about my relationship and I was wanting some advice and a perspective of a non asexual if possible. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years. We used to have sex but I didn’t like it. Back then I didn’t no the was anything such as an asexual. I thought that ‘everyone has sex so it must be good and you should like it keep doing it maybe you’ll start to like it’. But nope. Eventually I found this site and started learning. I broke down a few times reading threads. I made the decision to tell my partner that I’m asexual and I don’t want sex ever again, so if you need sex i understand that you have to leave me. But he chose to stay with me. That was about 3-4 years ago. I spoke to him about the whole elephant in the room thing and I said he could err ‘get satisfied’ shall we say by another woman. (I’m really sorry if I’ve broken a rule here). I don’t think he’s made a decision yet. Thing is I can only see my way - asexual. For him, how important is sex? Does he need it? I mean really need it? I try and show him my love for him in other ways like cards and presents. Am I being cruel to him? Should I break it off with him? Thing is, it’s not as though he will find another woman fast - he doesn’t go out on his own for one thing (we both have mental health problems) so I worry maybe he’ll never find someone else. I love him so so much I really do. I have tried to explain asexuality and I bought a book and we read some of it but he still doesn’t understand bless him. I wish I knew what to do. Maybe it’d be kinder to break off with him and ‘just be friends’? But then again if he finds a woman maybe I’d hate her? But then that’s me being selfish. Please can someone advise? Is the ‘satisfaction by another woman’ a bad idea? (Again I’m really sorry if I’ve broken a rule - I did read the ToS). Maybe the satisfaction thing would be great - he gets what he needs and we stay together? I don’t know anyhow I will stop rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any thoughts/ideas are appreciated. 

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A few things @Rachelink

1.you did rigth by telling him. You said who you are, and that is a good thing.

2.if you like/love him, then try to make it work. Dont leave him for ‘his sake’. He could be happiest with you. Let him/time decide.

3.opening the relationship is to allow him to find sexual partner. Having partnered sex is probably nicest for him. To me, no sex comes with a bit of a depression. I would rather have a dull oneway massage with a sligth sexual undertone from my beloved, than have fantastic sex with a hottie, though.

4.most sexual get the idea of a very low sex drive or just still hopes to find the rigth combination of moves and touches to fire her up. Real asexuality and especially combined with aromanticism  and sex repulsion is so hard to grasp. 

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Number 4 makes sense - I hug him and he gets this look in his eye, I hate it. I will let him decide. I know he loves me and I love him. I hate the thought that I’m stopping him from having something that he really needs. It’s up to him. Thanks for replying MrDane :) 

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Only he will know if he needs it. You would probably be best letting him decide if he wants to break things off, it may be he doesn’t care about it enough and would rather stay with you. It seems like your relationship has gone on long enough, bith with and without sex, that he would have left you by now if he really needed it.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm not sexual, but I am a big fan of autonomy. You have explained the situation to him, given him a gracious way out and he has decided to stay. You can do no more, and he knows his mind more than anyone; let him decide for himself.

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Thank you all for your replies, you speak a lot of sense :) I will let him decide about getting ‘satisfied’. We love each other so much. Whatever he decides I will respect as he respects me. He may not understand fully but he’s very respectful :) thank you all again 

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Autonomy! Yes that is important. Let the other part be a part of deciding and finding solutions.

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Hey people. In an argument with my partner about the whole sex thing. He wants sex but he says a prostitue is too expensive but he wants his ‘fun’. I said that I’m not going to stay with him if he’s going to get a f-buddy friends with benefits thing. He won’t bloody decide what he’s going to do and every time I ask him he says he’s cares about me and loves me.  So I say I love you too but sex is off the table. We seem to be going round in circles. I wish he’d just make a decision, no matter how hard it might be on the both of us. It’s always me ending up making decisions. But I love him I don’t want to lose him but then I’m angry at this situation. He still doesn’t understand asexuality and I’ve done my best to explain it he just doesn’t get it. Also he’s mentally unwell at the moment very badly so there’s a lot of crap going on. Ffs. Ugh I hate this. I really don’t no what to do? I no that he’s suffering not having sex but he won’t decide and we just end up arguing. Any suggestions? If I break it off with him I don’t no if I can stay broken up. I love him too damn much and we’re engaged. Obviously it’s a ‘weird’ engagement and everything plus we are both outcasts so that draws us together. 9 bloody years! I ducking love him. I don’t know what to do. 😥😥😩😞 please someone help! Argh 

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Hey @Rachelink

I'm sorry to hear how hard this has been. It's possible that, for all the pain in this argument, this might be for the best.

For many sexuals, hired sex (even if you have the money for it) may be a poor substitute – reading about how men feel after using prostitutes seems to indicate it's not a happy thing. Casual sex with a "fuck buddy" might not work either, people "catch feelings", sex becomes entangled with romantic feelings. (For that reason, one might consider polyamory – at least as something that presents a more realistic map of the long term, with the feelings involved – it becomes complicated.) It's not impossible for this to work as an approach, but it's possible that, for the two of you, it might not have worked. So I guess, I'd encourage you not to hold on to a judgement that your partner failed to make adequate effort: it might never have worked.

Personally I have a lot of trouble imagining how I'd feel if my sex-indifferent partner of over a decade quit sex completely. It scares me. Sexual intimacy with him is part of my experience of romantic love. It's an instinctive expression of it, and it makes me feel loved and accepted. He's been reassuring to me, that if we did stop, it wouldn't be abrupt, that it would probably be in a situation where I had someone else I was being sexual with. It's hard to imagine me wanting someone else. I think he would have to help me date people.

I'm sorry if all that sounds like a ridiculous level of neediness on my part. I think what I'm trying to say is that sexual desire is often not a simple switch-and-replace. And those feelings aren't a sexual's choice any more that it's an asexual's choice to have that absence.

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That kinda makes sense. I can only see sex mechanically. I hope he finds someone that’s worthy of him that will give him what he needs. I didn’t know that about prostitues and how it can make you feel. I’m not crying anymore I’m not sure why. I think I’m angry. I don’t know what to do. 

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53 minutes ago, Rachelink said:

That kinda makes sense. I can only see sex mechanically. I hope he finds someone that’s worthy of him that will give him what he needs. I didn’t know that about prostitues and how it can make you feel. I’m not crying anymore I’m not sure why. I think I’m angry. I don’t know what to do. 

Take some time to feel calm maybe... even with a break up, it would be nice to have a nice one...

And yeah, I get that it feels just mechanical to you. I think it was a source of so much misunderstanding with my partner over the years. I think looking at this as an orientation helped us in part because we had a new insight into each other, that we were experiencing the same thing totally differently. I can't know how your ex has felt about sex, but since he's male, I wonder if there's some social pressure to avoid admitting to the emotional aspects.

And if he's not getting asexuality ... (a) he's probably taking it personally, (b) it's a big thing to wrap one's head around. For me... I re-assessed by thinking about how I'd feel about having sex with someone I'm *not* attracted to. (Answer: not super excited, I guess I could do it, I've done it at least once. e.g. consider homosexual sex for someone that's straight. Some people can't bear the thought – I think sexuals are at least as likely to be repulsed by the idea as asexuals imho.) Just observations but once a sexual partner really "gets it" they often have trouble wanting sex with an asexual partner.

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I cried for a bit after reading this. my wife and i are going through something similar. we've been in a happy long-term relationship, but within the past year, something started to seem off. I live with anxiety/depression am more open to her seeing others to fill her sexual needs particularly when my lows hit (i don't think she thought i was seriously open to it until recently though). recently a whole lot of stressors put a real strain on our relationship as a whole. we still love each other a lot, but the spark that led to the sexual side was missing and we were having serious talks of divorce as things stacked up. the lack of sex in general was rough on me as i had no drive to see others. I am only recently coming to terms with being demisexual (not just introverted as i previously assumed) so trying to find help in that department has been emotionally taxing, and led me to finding this forum.  currently we are making the effort to stay together and even joke that we feel more like roommates who like to cuddle. she is even helping me deal with my introversion + anxiety/depression to help me find others to fill needs that she's just not comfortable with (though i haven't gone over my recent demisexual discovery). it is rough on both of us thinking that we may never get that spark back, but setting up clear boundaries and understanding that we still love each other helped ease it a bit.

 

while reading your initial post, i had found myself rooting for you and hoping that he would come to understand your needs and find a compromise that made you both comfortable and happy. i found myself crying when i read that you two had separated thinking about several of the fights i recently had with my wife. if it helps you to think about it, i find (from my own social experiences so take it with a a few cups of salt) that outside this community, most sexuals have a hard time emotionally separating romance and sexuality. that being said, i wouldn't think to harshly of him considering how our society likes to tell us that they are the same (again personal experience so don't take it to heart if it feels wrong). 

 

It's amazing to see that you loved him enough to wish him luck in his future endeavors, but i like to think that more for you. being able to go into a fresh relationship with a clear idea of what you want out of it is an wonderful opportunity to find someone who really understands where you are coming from. even better, you might even find someone who shares your needs! I wish you the best of luck no matter where life takes you, and hope you can find that same happiness with someone who accepts every part of who you are.

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I am having a hard time with all this at the moment- I have told my partner of 20 years that  I am asexual , we met when I was 15, so have only really just come to terms with it myself, two children later I feel so guilty to him that i am this way , He is a sexual with a high libido . He says he loves me and we need to stay together not least for the sake of the kids  but because he loves me and if no more sex he will have to just try to accept it. I love him with all my heart and always have/ will but  can't help feeling it is not realistic  for him to spend the rest of his life without something that has been so important to him and maybe he will end up meeting someone further down the line who can give him all he needs/deserves but that is not me. I know i am to blame but considering he is only young still ( early forties) he still has time on his side. I am 35 and know for sure that sex is off for me. Could we stay together and make  this work ? I Would not be able to bear the thought of him with someone else just for sex whilst still married to me /living together etc. Probably selfish I know. Has anyone else been in this situation? Please help if you can , I feel i have ruined his life and feeling pretty crappy about it all. Thank you.

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5 hours ago, supershydemi said:

I cried for a bit after reading this. my wife and i are going through something similar. we've been in a happy long-term relationship, but within the past year, something started to seem off. I live with anxiety/depression am more open to her seeing others to fill her sexual needs particularly when my lows hit (i don't think she thought i was seriously open to it until recently though). recently a whole lot of stressors put a real strain on our relationship as a whole. we still love each other a lot, but the spark that led to the sexual side was missing and we were having serious talks of divorce as things stacked up. the lack of sex in general was rough on me as i had no drive to see others. I am only recently coming to terms with being demisexual (not just introverted as i previously assumed) so trying to find help in that department has been emotionally taxing, and led me to finding this forum.  currently we are making the effort to stay together and even joke that we feel more like roommates who like to cuddle. she is even helping me deal with my introversion + anxiety/depression to help me find others to fill needs that she's just not comfortable with (though i haven't gone over my recent demisexual discovery). it is rough on both of us thinking that we may never get that spark back, but setting up clear boundaries and understanding that we still love each other helped ease it a bit.

 

while reading your initial post, i had found myself rooting for you and hoping that he would come to understand your needs and find a compromise that made you both comfortable and happy. i found myself crying when i read that you two had separated thinking about several of the fights i recently had with my wife. if it helps you to think about it, i find (from my own social experiences so take it with a a few cups of salt) that outside this community, most sexuals have a hard time emotionally separating romance and sexuality. that being said, i wouldn't think to harshly of him considering how our society likes to tell us that they are the same (again personal experience so don't take it to heart if it feels wrong). 

 

It's amazing to see that you loved him enough to wish him luck in his future endeavors, but i like to think that more for you. being able to go into a fresh relationship with a clear idea of what you want out of it is an wonderful opportunity to find someone who really understands where you are coming from. even better, you might even find someone who shares your needs! I wish you the best of luck no matter where life takes you, and hope you can find that same happiness with someone who accepts every part of who you are.

Hey. I’m so sorry for the hardship your going through. I’m really touched by your reply. I have some good news: I’m back together with him (yay yay yay!) we are going to do couples counselling when he is mentally more stable and we’ve had a talk about intamcy and I’m willing to do some things for him. Since being on aven I’m seeing things in other ways; that sex for a lot isn’t just mechanical. I understand that and that helps me a lot to help my partner. I love him so so much it’s amazing. He IS the one for me, the only one. He accepts me totally and I accept him totally. There’s so much more to relationships like you said. I wish you well in telling your wife about you being demisexual, I hope she understands. Society always pressurizes people into what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ with relationships. He is still trying to understand me and that’s great, maybe one day he will understand fully I hope. Hey, your rooting for me helped :) I really understand your depression and anxiety, I suffer with those and other things, so does my partner. So never ever ever feel like your alone - your not ok? Never ever. :) thank you supershydemi : ) 

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On 11/2/2018 at 10:37 PM, anisotropic said:

Take some time to feel calm maybe... even with a break up, it would be nice to have a nice one...

And yeah, I get that it feels just mechanical to you. I think it was a source of so much misunderstanding with my partner over the years. I think looking at this as an orientation helped us in part because we had a new insight into each other, that we were experiencing the same thing totally differently. I can't know how your ex has felt about sex, but since he's male, I wonder if there's some social pressure to avoid admitting to the emotional aspects.

And if he's not getting asexuality ... (a) he's probably taking it personally, (b) it's a big thing to wrap one's head around. For me... I re-assessed by thinking about how I'd feel about having sex with someone I'm *not* attracted to. (Answer: not super excited, I guess I could do it, I've done it at least once. e.g. consider homosexual sex for someone that's straight. Some people can't bear the thought – I think sexuals are at least as likely to be repulsed by the idea as asexuals imho.) Just observations but once a sexual partner really "gets it" they often have trouble wanting sex with an asexual partner.

I think your right in that he took it personally at first, but he’s understanding me more now that we’re talkinf so openly. We will get through this and it’s so good and comforting to come on here and talk about this without any judgement :) thank you for your post I appreciate it. :) 

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4 hours ago, Shire girl said:

I am having a hard time with all this at the moment- I have told my partner of 20 years that  I am asexual , we met when I was 15, so have only really just come to terms with it myself, two children later I feel so guilty to him that i am this way , He is a sexual with a high libido . He says he loves me and we need to stay together not least for the sake of the kids  but because he loves me and if no more sex he will have to just try to accept it. I love him with all my heart and always have/ will but  can't help feeling it is not realistic  for him to spend the rest of his life without something that has been so important to him and maybe he will end up meeting someone further down the line who can give him all he needs/deserves but that is not me. I know i am to blame but considering he is only young still ( early forties) he still has time on his side. I am 35 and know for sure that sex is off for me. Could we stay together and make  this work ? I Would not be able to bear the thought of him with someone else just for sex whilst still married to me /living together etc. Probably selfish I know. Has anyone else been in this situation? Please help if you can , I feel i have ruined his life and feeling pretty crappy about it all. Thank you.

Hey. You’ve done nothing wrong! It’s who you are - it’s like saying sorry for having blue eyes or something (way I see it anyhow). What I’ve done with my partner is talked candidly about sex to him, my advice would be to sit down with your hubby and come to some arrangement of what your comfortable with. Sex is off the table for me too. But I am willing to do other things (don’t want to be too specific heh). You could try things for intamcy like long hugs and laying in bed together. Maybe a bubble bath together? Umm I’m not sure if I’ll get in trouble for saying this but you could get an adult movie, let him watch it (don’t watch yourself it’s icky) and ‘help him out’ with your hand. Also, you can get toys for men online. So that’s what I’m going to do for my partner. I’m also going to wear a latex glove (is that weird?) just to make me more comfortable. It’s really difficult having that kinda conversation with him BUT it’s worth it because you can find out what will work for you and your partner. Maybe you could think of some other things you could do for him? (I’m sorry if I’ve been too frank here). I really hope you can sort things out with him. 20 years and kids, wow. Take care I hope to hear an update : ) 

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On 11/4/2018 at 3:13 PM, Rachelink said:

Hey. I’m so sorry for the hardship your going through. I’m really touched by your reply. I have some good news: I’m back together with him (yay yay yay!) we are going to do couples counselling when he is mentally more stable and we’ve had a talk about intamcy and I’m willing to do some things for him. Since being on aven I’m seeing things in other ways; that sex for a lot isn’t just mechanical. I understand that and that helps me a lot to help my partner. I love him so so much it’s amazing. He IS the one for me, the only one. He accepts me totally and I accept him totally. There’s so much more to relationships like you said. I wish you well in telling your wife about you being demisexual, I hope she understands. Society always pressurizes people into what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ with relationships. He is still trying to understand me and that’s great, maybe one day he will understand fully I hope. Hey, your rooting for me helped :) I really understand your depression and anxiety, I suffer with those and other things, so does my partner. So never ever ever feel like your alone - your not ok? Never ever. :) thank you supershydemi : ) 

going through a lot of posts like these gave me the confidence to open up about me being demi yesterday. i wasn't so much afraid of her not being accepting about it (she is similar, but didn't really feel like she needed to identify herself on the gray-ace spectrum) but i was more trying to come to terms with it myself.

 

btw, i had a teenage girl screech when i read this! i am super excited to see that he wanted to push through everything with you. couples counseling helped me and my wife with a lot of communication issues my wife and i had in the past. (i am very introverted and she's very extroverted... there was a lot for us to learn back then) i very much agree that you should hold off for when you are both ready for it. it can be very taxing otherwise 😅. but don't put it off too long as things do build up and it can lead to more strain for your relationship. 

 

my best advice outside of the counseling is to try and talk to every night. it doesn't have to be about anything specific, even just going over your day. but for me personally, it helps a lot with the anxiety/depression as well. put emphasis on how you felt throughout the day (if that is your choice discussion... like i said can be anything), it allows the other to feel closer to you emotionally. (we've been slacking on our talks and it shows 🙄😅). this is just something off the top of my head that can really help if one of you is not quite ready for counseling, as well as helping to feel closer emotionally without the need for physical intimacy. (doesn't even have to be without physical intimacy, but if you are still working on setting up boundaries, this will allow the emotional connection which helps a lot)

 

lots of love for you guys and know that i'll be in my corner rooting for you! 😁

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On 11/6/2018 at 10:26 PM, supershydemi said:

going through a lot of posts like these gave me the confidence to open up about me being demi yesterday. i wasn't so much afraid of her not being accepting about it (she is similar, but didn't really feel like she needed to identify herself on the gray-ace spectrum) but i was more trying to come to terms with it myself.

 

btw, i had a teenage girl screech when i read this! i am super excited to see that he wanted to push through everything with you. couples counseling helped me and my wife with a lot of communication issues my wife and i had in the past. (i am very introverted and she's very extroverted... there was a lot for us to learn back then) i very much agree that you should hold off for when you are both ready for it. it can be very taxing otherwise 😅. but don't put it off too long as things do build up and it can lead to more strain for your relationship. 

 

my best advice outside of the counseling is to try and talk to every night. it doesn't have to be about anything specific, even just going over your day. but for me personally, it helps a lot with the anxiety/depression as well. put emphasis on how you felt throughout the day (if that is your choice discussion... like i said can be anything), it allows the other to feel closer to you emotionally. (we've been slacking on our talks and it shows 🙄😅). this is just something off the top of my head that can really help if one of you is not quite ready for counseling, as well as helping to feel closer emotionally without the need for physical intimacy. (doesn't even have to be without physical intimacy, but if you are still working on setting up boundaries, this will allow the emotional connection which helps a lot)

 

lots of love for you guys and know that i'll be in my corner rooting for you! 😁

Aw thank you :) that’s really sweet. That’s great that you opened up to her! Congrats. We talk to each other a lot already, and I text him loads so it’s not that we don’t communicate but we don’t talk about the intimacy things. He’s really ill at the mo so I’m taking a step back away coz I can’t help him. His carers are waiting for him to be assessed for a hospital admission. It’s a long story but we both have mental health problems. I just want him better, but he has no insight so doesn’t see that he’s ill. I’ve been advised to keep my distance a little bit which I’m doing, but I keep texting him every couple hours with a rose or a love heart just to remind him I love him as he’s quite insecure at the best of times. Let’s hope the drs can help him. I’m glad your accepting yourself, I think for some people it can be very difficult. For me it was easy to admit it to myself but the only people who know are my partner (his name is Dale btw) and you guys on aven :) 

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Been going through so much shit with Dale. I’m trying my best with him but he’s ill and all I get is suicide threats and texts telling me I’m a bitch etc. He’s sent me several videos of him self harming and threatening to kill himself. For now I’m not going to respond. Is this emotional blackmail? I tried speaking to the Samaritans but it was no help. It’s getting so dangerous now. Looong story but there was a guy with a gun who threatened me and dale. Then when I ran out of the building with my hands in the air (to surrender) I rang the police and then the guy came out and followed me. I was sure I was gonna die. Dale was running about screaming his head off with a knife. I know I haven’t explained this well but I’m crap at the best of times  descripting things. Fuck sake. I ended up in Tesco (I live in the England btw) then the police on the phone told me to get into the staff area and eventually the staff did after I gave my phone to the secureiry guard. I could hardly speak. Then 10 mins later the police showed up and eventually me and dale was ere taken down to give statements. They are going to look at all the camera evidence as there a lot of cameras. I’m scared of this guy with the gun coz he followed me. He knows what I look like. I want to move out of the city but all my support network is here. I spoke to my support worker and she said try not to make a hasty decision and things should get better. I’m not going up to dales again until he is better properly. I’m scared he’s going to end up dead either suicide or a knifing or shooting. Is this relationship worth it? Man love is hard!! Fucks sake. I really don’t no what’s gonna happen next. I’m sorry for all these posts I don’t mean to drag people down I’m just tying to vent. Also I’m really sorry if I’ve broken any rules in this post. 😓 I love the guy but this is ridiculous. I know that Dale is ill but seriously it doesn’t give you a free pass to insult me all the fuckin time! Argh. I’m just going to keep my distance and hope he doesn’t die. Which may sound silly but it really is that bad. He is always in my heart. I’ve been telling him past few weeks ‘keep it in your head and heart that I love you’. But now the question is does he love me??

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Another update. This is kinda becoming my diary or something I dunno. At about 4:30am I had dale kicking my door demanding his spare key back. So I posted it through the letterbox to him. Then he demanded other keys for my cash box and I said no. He was screaming at me to open the door. He was kicking the door and i thought he was going to break through so I rang 999. There is damage to my door and the police are coming on Tuesday next week to see if I want to press charges. I really don’t no if I will or not. I guess we aren’t together anymore. I’m really scared of him and I told the police he’s carrying knives. Going to see if I can get in some other accommodation for now. Seeing my social worker today at 10:30am so I will ask her. So much shit going off. 😩😞💔

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  • 3 months later...

Hey people. I’m back. Sorry for leaving like that, I thought I was going to end things. But I’m still here fighting away. Thank you all for your posts :’) 

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Things have settled down with the violence yeah. Still a lot of stuff to figure out. I’ve created another thread post thingy about the issues we have. 

Edit: ah you’ve posted on the other thread, thank you :) 

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