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married to an asexual?


tash

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my husband and i have been mariied for 4 years and lived together for 4 years prior to this. when we first began dating and living together we would have sex a lot this naturally waned to about once a week but by the time we had been together 3 years was once a month. When we got married the sex was about once a month/ every two months and we wanted to have a baby. i knew that i had fertility problems and therefore i took an oral dose of fertility drugs and after just one course and about 1 week of sex twice daily we fell pregnant.

once I fell pregnant with our first born, my hubby did not want any sex as he was bothered by the baby i was carrying. furthermore, all hugging, kissing etc was out of bounds with him. this i accepted. then once we had the baby, and i was suitably recovered from my c-section i let him know that i was ready to be intimate again but was told no the breastfeeding and milk was freaking him out. this i accepted

once i had stopped breastfeeding the first i was continually rejected and very upset. he doesn't seem to care how this was affecting me, finally just before my firstborns first birthday i managed to talk him into sex -first time i had fallen pregnant. we both enjoyed it and I fell pregnant . not knowing i was pregnant i and hormones raging and because of no intimacy or sex in our relationship other then once in 21months I got so upset my psych put me in hospital for a week of "rest" and medicated me with a high dose of anti depressants.

when i got out of hospital hubby agreed to go to counselling about our problem and then made it too difficult to arrange- he is a passive aggressive personality so i figured this was his way of saying no! in hindsight i do remember him saying that he did'nt perceiev there being a problem and maybe this should have been my first clue that he had become asexual.

it is now a total of 23 months with only one sexual encounter and then another 21 months since the time before that. I am desparate because i really do care about him and i know he cares about me but the lack of any intimacy is driving me crazy. not only am i incredibly sexually frustrated, but i am sad that he is not intimate with me. this morning i asked why he know longer kisses me goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning and he said it is too difficult to get up on the bed (i am still in bed ususally) i spent a bucket of cash on beautiful and expensive lingerie last week to try a pep things up a bit but his only comment to my fashion parade was thats nice, you had to put heels on and you just about need a brazillion to wear that! it felt like i was being made fun of. i dress better and take better care of myself then i ever have and don't even receiev compliments. i feel so saddened.

i have asked simon to see a doctor- he dosnt want to, i have asked if it will ever change- he says he doesn't know. hubby says that he thinks maybe it is because i am a mother. then i read this website and asked him if this is what he thinks is who he sexually idenifies with and he says perhaps.

what i need to know is strategies for how other female sexual spouses who feel frustrated deal with this and make the marriage work. i love him, he is a wonderful person to live with, a gentle and kind man, and the worlds best father. i do not want to consider separation,

i live in a small country twon population 4000 and hubby has a female friend at work (he works with all females) who my girlfriends think i am being naive about. i have asked hubby if it is another woman he says no and i believ him but it is very difficult when my girlfriends see them out with the kids having fun. no one has seen anything to make me substantialy suspicious. how can i deal with these thoughts also - maybe this comes with accepting his asexuality? any thoughts on this as well

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It definitelly sounds like he isn't sexually attracted to you. This could be because of asexuality, or because his sexual energies are pointed in a different direction (ie the coworker). His passive-agressive stance is also not helping things. If you want to know the answer, my suggestion is to leave him information about asexuality (there's plenty of information on this site that can be printed out and conveniently left on the kitchen table or somesuch, wait a few days, and then ask him about it.

Oh, and the fact that he refused you to the point of hospitalizing you is not exactly a good sign. Asexual or no, is this relationship worth saving?

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Tash,

I feel very much with you for what you've experienced. As alone as you'll probably have felt with this type of experience - you are not, there's quite a high number of couples with similar experiences.

I know only too well - from my own experience and from what I hear from others - how you were not aware what lay ahead regarding your sexual life, how you were made to feel guilty as part of your condition - pregnancy etc - was used as a reason for the lack of sex, as you had and have more or less significant problems with health and/or psychological grasping.

It's a situation where, one way or another, you'll always lose out. Either you leave your husband - how about finances, and long term effects on children are usually very bad, and you'll take along some baggage into the future - or you'll stay, and the sex life will not get any better and you will constantly be living a lie and have to cope with that.

You'll probably have read from the many posts on this forum about the general side effects that partners of asexuals almost always have if the asexual is extreme and unwilling to compromise (and a lot of them are! I think it's those who wouldn't bother to check this website either) and about the support group for partners of asexuals. If you would decide to stay with your husband, make sure you take good care of yourself. Knowing there are general "side-effects" will help you cope with that situation and hopefully prevent that you will get sick etc.

I hear on this site that there are functioning asexual / sexual couples as well. I guess it's mostly where the asexual partner is ready to compromise as well, with an uncompromising partner, I feel it automaticalls slips into a friend-ship and not devorced because there hasn't been a reason to do so.

Don't expect your husband to understand - and therefore there's nothing you can really blame him for even if it feels different to you, if he's asexual he will not know it differently and you cannot miss, understand, or change or value what you don't know. It's like going back in time and trying to describe the functioning of a PC to a Roman. As much as you go into detail, it's an intellectual exercise and that person may develop a picture of a PC which is far from what we have ...

Mara

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  • 4 weeks later...

Tash,

I'm in a similar situation (married, love wife, no sex in four years), and I feel your pain and confusion. I'm lucky that my wife is very willing to talk about the issue. She will often turn on me and begin blaming me for using pornography, or other turn-offs, but we've managed to move past that for the most part.

Do you have children? If not, divorce is a real option. I know you love your husband, but you're not getting any younger, and imagine the months you've gone without physical affection (never mind actual sex) stretching out year after year. Now imagine a relationship in which that important piece of the relationship isn't missing.

if he's asexual he will not know it differently and you cannot miss, understand, or change or value what you don't know. It's like going back in time and trying to describe the functioning of a PC to a Roman. As much as you go into detail, it's an intellectual exercise and that person may develop a picture of a PC which is far from what we have ...

I have to disagree pretty emphatically with this, Mara. I'm not asexual, but I can empathize with those of you who are. I can understand what the world must look and feel like to my wife. It's why I respect her "walls" and don't press myself on her. Asexuals have a responsibility to empathize with where their sexual partners are coming from (if they can't, then it's they who need to leave the relationship).

We can imagine things that others are feeling, even if we aren't feeling them ourselves, even if our picture of them is imperfect. My wife doesn't always like to have "the talk", but it's important to me that she knows that while she's thrilled with our celibate lifestyle, I'm not. Nobody likes to confront something unpleasant, but she owes it to me not to take my respect for her needs as "being okay" with them. I understand her needs, and she has to understand mine (even if she's unable to meet them). The fact that my wife listens to what I have to say is a big deal to me, even if all she can say is "I'm very sorry you're hurting, let's think about what we can do about it."

your friend,

Chiaroscuro

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  • 2 weeks later...

Chiaroscuro,

I made the comment you quoted from my previous post because I think that many asexuals just cannot understand. Or at least their reaction and the problems many sexuals have with the reactions make me believe so.

Please note I am a sexual myself, married to an asexual and there has been no sex for the past 8 years. Unfortunately, trying to discuss the topic has led us nowhere (if you're interested in details, there are quite a few posts I wrote so I don't want to repeat that here).

I agree to what you write about the situation. And, like many of us, I love my husband and I am unhappy because of the wall which my husband needs and feels comfortable behind. As we are great friends our marriage may continue for ever, but there's a chance that I cannot bear the lack of intimacy any longer should I come across a man who's just great AND on this side of the wall.

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I'm new here, but I think I can sympathize with you in a sense: I was very much like your husband when I was younger. The more my significant others pushed, the more victimized I felt and the more I closed off and lashed out. It wasn't until I was told that I was loved unconditionally, sex or no sex, that I began to open up and compromise. Let your husband know that you want to work it out and that you love him regardless. Take the pressure, drama and emotion out of the situation. Understandibly, you deserve intimacy if that is what will help you feel fulfilled in the relationship, and your husband needs to see that, but for now, you must help him bring down his defense mechanism. If he likes nonsexual touch, give him extra hugs. Show him that you can be physical without being sexual. Eventually, perhaps you can try something like mutual masturbation - baby steps. He may never be as sexual as you are, but sex is a huge continuum. If you get him to open the door a little, he may be more willing to compromise down the road. The two of you had a sexual relationship at one time. You may never be as satisfied, and he may have to leave his comfort zone, but somewhere in the middle is a place of love and respect, where both can sacrifice a little for the happiness of the other.

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cerebral,

Thanks for the suggestions - but we've been together for 16 years - starting out with him behaving most sexually for over a year .... - and then have been through almost every approach imaginable.

No, there's no masturbation or anything he'd be willing to compromise. Grandma's kisses once or twice a day, holding my hand once or twice a month, and hugging me occasionally is the utmost of his compromise.

The relationship is stable as I've stopped to expect more - who wants to run into a brick wall again and again anyways - and as much as my husband thinks he's doing big compromising by WHAT he does in "intimacy", it's no compromise really for me because it completely neglects my needs.

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