Grootty

I am gay but refuse to have sex with anyone

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Grootty

I am sexually attracted to men but lately finished my 12-month challenge of giving up sex so I can donate blood. Blood donation is so meaningful to me because I always wish to save lives and because of how I grew up. However, this may give me some difficulty on finding a partner if sex is essential. If I allow having sex, I have to defer blood donation for another 12 months as a man having sex with men. Therefore, I don't compromise easily for sex. Still, I do want some romance while keeping sex off the table. Am I welcome in the asexual community?

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Jona Rhys

You're definitely welcome on AVEN, yeah. Have some cake 🍰

Being celibate you're not asexual though, as you said yourself. However, romantic asexuals face a similar challenge: finding a partner that doesn't need sex or at least not that often.

 

As for the donating blood thing: If you take precautions I'd say you can have sex with men and still donate. They don't have to know, do they? The blood is being tested anyway.

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Duke Memphis

If it's not too personal, why do you have to wait a whole year until you can give blood? Doesn't donated blood replenish itself within three months?

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Muledeer

Welcome to Aven.  I admire your generosity and willingness to sacrifice a sex life in order to donate blood.  

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Grootty

Glad to be here!

 

Regarding the blood donation topic, yes blood do get checked. However, Red Cross Australia mentioned that no test is perfect, and the ban of anal and oral sex for homosexual men was set for the sake of the blood receivers. Fortunately, in some countries such as UK the deferral period of blood donation after having sex reduce from 12 months to 3 months. Nonetheless, I am in Australia so I still have to follow the law here.

 

On the other hand, I don't trust people who had sex with other men easily. My ex got STD 1.5 year ago and luckily I didn't get it. And I have heard of the prevalence of STD in the community so I am always afraid that I may put the blood receivers in a disadvantaged position if I have sex.

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NerotheReaper

Of course you are welcome to the community! 

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

 

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CBC

Uhh... well, everyone is welcome here, but it wouldn't make sense for you to identify as asexual. Also that sounds like a mighty unpleasant and unfulfilling way to live for very long if you're sexual, but you do you I guess.

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Grootty

Can't agree more; but if I allow sex happens, I want to save it for someone special. I think it was linked to how I grew up seeing people die while not being able to help. Also, I had some negative experience of dating in the past. They kinda explain what I chose to be a health professional and would rather give up sex than get emotionally hurt. However, if there's someone who shares long-term mutual respect with me, I think I can consider on having sex, which is not necessary to me. 

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InquisitivePhilosopher

I admire your willingness to donate blood. Because my body went into shock in my late teens, after being given a local anesthesia for a skin tag removal--where I felt very weak right when I was about to leave the hospital and suddenly couldn't see anything in front of me for several minutes (a nurse had me lie down, then drink soda, to help me recover; she said I didn't eat enough at breakfast, and that that's why it happened)--I've been afraid that my body wouldn't be able to handle donating blood and that it might go into shock, again. 

 

:) Oh, another member with a cat!

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Nowhere Girl
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Uhh... well, everyone is welcome here, but it wouldn't make sense for you to identify as asexual. Also that sounds like a mighty unpleasant and unfulfilling way to live for very long if you're sexual, but you do you I guess.

But I haven't seen him identify as asexual. He just recognises that he faces similar challenges.

I agree with that an support an alliance of asexuals with all forms of purely volitional nonsexual lifestyles because prejudice against asexuals is very similar to prejudice against celibate people.

 

Btw, blood donation ban for gays is discrimination. A mutually faithful gay couple poses no more risk than a faithful different-sex marriage. Not allowing gays to donate blood is prejudice only, based on the stereotype of sex-obsessed gay men. However, I would support not allowing people who have had unprotected or poorly protected casual sex to donate blood. This is reasonable as a precaution. Gay sex is not risky by itself, it is casual sex which is risky!

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Grootty

As you said, the reason you blacked out was that you didn't eat enough, causing you experiencing hypoglycaemia. As long as you have given yourself enough energy supply and fulfilled some criteria (e.g., weight over 50kg), you are totally welcome to donate blood. There are other requirements for blood donation such as age, travel, etc. Anyway, I think your body should be okay to donate blood. If you have enquiries, I'm sure the staff in Red Cross can answer.

 

Btw, that's my foster cat from RSPCA. 😛

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CBC
6 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But I haven't seen him identify as asexual.

Didn't say he'd done so, just saying it wouldn't make sense to if he was at all thinking of it.

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Bio 7

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Nice to see people help others like that.

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anisotropic

I think one could look at it another way? A celibate sexual clearly describing themselves as not asexual is helping reinforce the distinction.

 

Giving blood doesn't seem like a compelling reason in itself to me, but I can see it might be an incentive when combined with other reasons for wanting to take a break...

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Nowhere Girl
8 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Giving blood doesn't seem like a compelling reason in itself to me, but I can see it might be an incentive when combined with other reasons for wanting to take a break... 

Still, all reasons not to have sex are valid because nobody should ever have unwanted sex. In fact, nobody should require any reasons - "I don't want to" is final.

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anisotropic

@Nowhere Girl yup, that's fair. :)

 

I think my sense is rather related to an implied importance attached to blood donation: I don't personally feel that it's very important. (I have donated, but I don't go very out of my way to do so.) Just saying "I'm taking a break" without attaching that reason actually sounds less confusing to me.

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Alejandrogynous
9 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

I think my sense is rather related to an implied importance attached to blood donation: I don't personally feel that it's very important. (I have donated, but I don't go very out of my way to do so.) Just saying "I'm taking a break" without attaching that reason actually sounds less confusing to me.

People whose family, friends, or themselves who have needed blood probably find it extremely important. Especially if the OP has a rarer blood type, I respect that he'd sacrifice so much to be able to donate.

 

I wish I could donate blood/plasma but I don't weigh enough, plus I have anemia, lol. Pretty sure I'd faint straight away. 

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InquisitivePhilosopher
26 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

...I think my sense is rather related to an implied importance attached to blood donation: I don't personally feel that it's very important...

Okay; that's fine if you don't want to, nor think it's important. The OP said it's important to them because...

 

3 hours ago, Grootty said:

...Blood donation is so meaningful to me because I always wish to save lives and because of how I grew up...

2 hours ago, Grootty said:

...I think it was linked to how I grew up seeing people die while not being able to help....they kinda explain what I chose to be a health professional...

 

That's their choice; they weren't being judgemental towards anyone and telling them they have to donate blood, too. They were only discussing their own choices. The OP is a health professional, so it makes sense that donating blood is important to them.

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anisotropic

Sure, sorry, I didn't mean to diminish that. There's other really great ways to help too. :)

 

Registering for bone marrow donation can be extremely effective if someone is an underrepresented ancestry demographic. That is a lot harder to match people on, and so it can truly be a life saving thing. (I'd recommend others look into this too!)

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iam135

You give blood AND foster cats? You're like halfway to sainthood in my book 😁.

 

You're definitely welcome here on AVEN - people of all sexualities are! Here's some cake:

 

Image result for black cat cake

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iff

moved from sexual partners, friends & allies to the grey area.

 

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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Anthracite_Impreza

Just wanna say I think you're really selfless to sacrifice so much for blood-donation (and brave!). I have such a severe phobia I can't even comprehend giving blood on a regular basis; I'd rather cut my arm open and bleed in a bucket :unsure:

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Grootty

I find it sad to see people leaving this world early when they have some unfinished business. No one lives forever but we can do things to make us happy. Of coz, everyone has their own approach. By giving some hope to lives, I find it so rewarding and it becomes a motivation for me to keep going. What I am doing is a choice and I am privileged enough to choose what I want to do. But to some lives, they don't have an option to choose. There are animals being treated badly by people and there are people who want to follow their dreams but with some diseases. The lesson I learnt from the society and myself is that we can't fix everything but we can do whatever we can.

 

Bone marrow donation is worth my consideration. I did consider it when I was a kid but didn't know how it worked. I just looked it up this morning and it seems I am eligible for that. All I can do in my next blood donation is to give an additional 20-30ml of my blood for testing to see if I am suitable for bone marrow donation. I am happy to donate bone marrow if I am eligible, and of coz, I also need to stay healthy and fit for myself and the receivers. Other than that, I need to research it a bit more to see how to make it sustainable.

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anisotropic

@Grootty glad to hear you'll look into bone marrow donation!

 

It's much harder to match people on HLA types. Matches are rare (you might be on a registry and never matched), but this also means that some patients can never find a match – and being that match can genuinely be a life-saving thing. :)

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The Dryad

Literally anyone's welcome, so welcome! Here's your mandatory slice of cake 🍰

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Kayze
On 10/26/2018 at 6:22 AM, Grootty said:

Glad to be here!

 

Regarding the blood donation topic, yes blood do get checked. However, Red Cross Australia mentioned that no test is perfect, and the ban of anal and oral sex for homosexual men was set for the sake of the blood receivers. Fortunately, in some countries such as UK the deferral period of blood donation after having sex reduce from 12 months to 3 months. Nonetheless, I am in Australia so I still have to follow the law here.

 

On the other hand, I don't trust people who had sex with other men easily. My ex got STD 1.5 year ago and luckily I didn't get it. And I have heard of the prevalence of STD in the community so I am always afraid that I may put the blood receivers in a disadvantaged position if I have sex.

I personally find it ridiculous. Anyone can get an STD regardless of orientation and putting it on homosexuals? It's just excusable homophobia.

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Grootty

Just donated blood for the first time since 2014 and signed up for bone marrow donation. Today's experience probably will be the most memorable and joyful moment in my life, because it was 100% the result of my self-commitment.

 

There are so many angles to look at this topic and I hope the policy can be reduced to 3 months considering UK has done it! Still, even after first time of blood donation, homosexual males need to remain giving up oral and anal sex if they want to donate blood. Indeed, it is not fair to the homosexual men who have no risky sex, compared to anyone else who have sex life. And it is not fair to classify male-to-male sex in a risky sexual activity category. If approving male-to-male sex is safe, I guess it will take another 20 years to research. 

 

But yeah, I am in a great position to stay in the blood donation service, because I can't make time for dating considering that I have to spend at least 8 hours a day on my studies/placement. And dating is a hard work; it is really hard to find someone compatible to us and they can potentially leave us after all the emotional investment. There are reasons I can't give up my right to donate blood when it comes to dating, but it is indeed challenging to find someone to date when I mention I don't want sex. Still, I would rather keep my boundaries because it is self-respect and I only live once.

Edited by Grootty
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