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My asexual partner


Shooie

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Hey there everyone. I recently came about this website and joined up a day ago and wanted to share my thoughts and such with you folks. I knew i wasnt the only one to date and have an intimate relationship with an asexual, but among my circle of friends i am. And unfortunately because they have no experience with asexuals in relationships and in general, it has been hard to get some things off my chest. I dont need much advice, but i want to share my experiences cuz i really need to, personally.

 

My boyfriend and i have been together for a little over 2 years now. He told me day one that he is asexual and explained to me exactly how he feels about sex. He isnt completely repulsed by sex (for that im grateful) but it just doesnt interest him. We have been able to compromise and while penetration is a very rare thing in our sex life, he does a lot for me and i love him for putting aside his discomfort to keep me happy sexually.

 

Now, im hypersexual to the core and going a day without sex or some type of release is hard, but ive toughed through it many times. I dont know if it bothers him that im not easily satisfied, and ive gotten over the emotional hump of blaming myself for his lack of interest. Its who he is. He is happy with the touching and the teasing and im just happy he chooses to do those things with me and no one else. 

 

Recently though ill be honest i have been finding it harder to remain satisfied. Ive gotten to the point i have to do it myself multiple times a day (and we all kniw masturbation isnt the same) . he has brought up multiple times for me to find someone to mess around with to satisfy my need for sex, vut ill be honest i dont know if i could. I dont do one night stands because i dont find pleasure in just random sex. I need an emotional connection before i could possibly enjoy sex with a person. Ia also dont want to form that connection with another person because i love having it with my boy friend and i also dont want to fall inlove with anyone else.

 

Ive thought about a poly relationship. If i need to be emotionally invested in a second person he should be too. Ive thought about this for a bit and as of now i havent vrought it up to him yet because im not sure if im ready to bring someone else into my life. 

 

But yeah. This post may seem like a mess, and there is no real point to it other than the desire to talk to folks who understand. He is my soul mate and i couldnt imagine my life without him in it. Its just hard because we are severe polar opposites in terms of our sexuality. 

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Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are very difficult. 

 

Others will disagree, but for me, 2 years is a small part of your life.  It is possible to spend your entire life (as I have) in a badly matched relationship with an undercurrent of frustration and resentment that constantly poisons love.   I don't recommend it. I don't think you should spend your life with someone unless they completely make you happy. 

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Hey, @Shooie, welcome to the club.

This post is so much about my life that I could be writing it. OK, I’m not hypersexual – I’m just regular sexual. And I also knew what I was getting into from the very start. But yeah, it gets really hard somewhere around 2 years. I’m hating myself for the sex dreams I’ve started having.

Everything else is just amazing, and I love him so much. Same as you’re not asking any questions, I can’t give you any answers – that’s just the way our relationships are.

Good luck in managing them. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

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29 minutes ago, uhtred said:

 I don't recommend it. I don't think you should spend your life with someone unless they completely make you happy. 

So, pretty much 95% of people should break up?

Mismatched sexuality is far from the only difficulty that people experience in a long-term relationship. Yeah, it’s one of the big ones like different religions or views on childbirth, but many people manage to handle that. “Complete happiness” is either an illusion or much more about one’s ability to feel happy than about objectively having no differences/problems.

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It's rough. But here's some ideas! I am feeling positive at the moment (not always the case). :) 

It depends on the person, but it's possible for masturbating to ironically increase the intrusiveness of sexual thoughts? This might be especially true if you're feeling like it's not the same - you're thirsty and drinking salt water in the ocean. You might try tracking yourself here and changing the pattern to see how it works. e.g. reduce frequency, maybe commit to doing it just once at the end of the day, see how that feels?

For me, I also try to track myself regarding the activities during sex / sexual intimacy my partner and I have. Some activities seem to make me more happy than others, and I nudge myself towards pursuing those - I mean, if it's all the same to him - if that makes sense.
 

Agreed poly is complicated, it's good you recognize the emotional issues there!

P.S. oof, I had a vivid dream a couple weeks ago and argh, that memory is still there... go away false dreams. 😠  hard to control dreams.

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51 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are very difficult. 

 

Others will disagree, but for me, 2 years is a small part of your life.  It is possible to spend your entire life (as I have) in a badly matched relationship with an undercurrent of frustration and resentment that constantly poisons love.   I don't recommend it. I don't think you should spend your life with someone unless they completely make you happy. 

I wouldnt say i resent him or anything. Yes i get annoyed and frustrated when we go a week without sex but i never blame him for it. Other than the sex (ill be honest we fool around maybe once a week sometimes two. I know thats a lot considering i have seen stories on here where couples can go months without sex, but its still a lot less than my body craves.) We have a very happy relationship. We enjoy eachothers company and we what is lacking in sex we make up for in other apsects of our relationship. 

 

I suspect it gets harder as the years progress but im too stubborn to give up. XD

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57 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Hey, @Shooie, welcome to the club.

This post is so much about my life that I could be writing it. OK, I’m not hypersexual – I’m just regular sexual. And I also knew what I was getting into from the very start. But yeah, it gets really hard somewhere around 2 years. I’m hating myself for the sex dreams I’ve started having.

Everything else is just amazing, and I love him so much. Same as you’re not asking any questions, I can’t give you any answers – that’s just the way our relationships are.

Good luck in managing them. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

I just hate having to ask him about it too much and i know my sex drive drives him insane with how much maintainance i need. He can look at me and it sets me off and though i know he doesnt hate me for it i know it gets bothersome for himand im more worried hes going to get frustrated with me than i with him. 

 

Ill definitely take you up on that offer and pm you when i get the chance. :)

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17 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

It's rough. But here's some ideas! I am feeling positive at the moment (not always the case). :) 

It depends on the person, but it's possible for masturbating to ironically increase the intrusiveness of sexual thoughts? This might be especially true if you're feeling like it's not the same - you're thirsty and drinking salt water in the ocean. You might try tracking yourself here and changing the pattern to see how it works. e.g. reduce frequency, maybe commit to doing it just once at the end of the day, see how that feels?

For me, I also try to track myself regarding the activities during sex / sexual intimacy my partner and I have. Some activities seem to make me more happy than others, and I nudge myself towards pursuing those - I mean, if it's all the same to him - if that makes sense.
 

Agreed poly is complicated, it's good you recognize the emotional issues there!

P.S. oof, I had a vivid dream a couple weeks ago and argh, that memory is still there... go away false dreams. 😠  hard to control dreams.

Ive tried that though its a lot more complicated than scheduling my masturbation time. As i said in another reply, i get triggered sexually just by passing glances half the time, or sudden thoughts so its very sporatic yet constant. I can go hours without any though to sex to suddenly its all i want and can think of. 

 

He is very understanding thankfully and even jokes about how odd it is that we wound up together so its not like our relationship is suffering at the moment but im worried it will start to do so probably sooner than i would like and its terrifying to think of myself unhappy with him.

 

We experiment and find other means of intimacy too. Mostly a lot of foreplay and the occassional play wrestle that satisfies my need for full body physical contact but doesnt make him uncomfortable. Though i still get the eye rolling and "ugh still?fiiiiiine"

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27 minutes ago, Shooie said:

i get triggered sexually just by passing glances half the time

ouch! trying to blindfold yourself doesn't sound like a great solution... 😬

 

if everything feels pretty good right now but you're feeling vaguely worried about the future (because of how big the difference is) ... just my two cents, but it seems reasonable to carefully bring up poly, just to wonder if it's ever in the cards? My instinct (and general advice seems to be) that it's a bad idea to attempt "poly as solution", i.e. to try to improve a relationship that's troubled. But! If things are going pretty well now then, it's an opportunity to start by talking about it abstractly...?

There's books out there about it, right? Probably other resources - if you haven't done it before (or much of it). My partner and I talk about it abstractly. I think it's way too much work to try it these days. But if we start thinking more seriously about it, I'm thinking we'll make an effort to learn and be thoughtful and maybe talk to an open/poly-friendly therapist if/when we try it.

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1 hour ago, Lara Black said:

So, pretty much 95% of people should break up?

Mismatched sexuality is far from the only difficulty that people experience in a long-term relationship. Yeah, it’s one of the big ones like different religions or views on childbirth, but many people manage to handle that. “Complete happiness” is either an illusion or much more about one’s ability to feel happy than about objectively having no differences/problems.

I guess its a matter of degree.  Some gulfs are too wide to bridge and I think a large sexual mismatch is one of those gulfs.  The thing about "complete happiness" is that when you are in love, I think you can feel completely happy even when rationally there are a number of issues.  The key is how much those issues mean to you and your partner. 

 

Still you are right "complete happiness" is the wrong phrase.  I don't have the words to describe what I mean.   I had a brief run (few months) of things being good with my wife maybe 7 years ago.  I was happy in a way that I am not now.  I *wanted* to rush home from work to give  her a hug. There were still issues, but they didn't matter -  at the time I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. 

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1 hour ago, Shooie said:

(snip)

I get triggered sexually just by passing glances half the time, or sudden thoughts so its very sporatic yet constant.

(snip)

For me its seeing happy loving couples together when there is clear intimate / sexual interest between them.   It hurts. 

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1 hour ago, Shooie said:

I wouldnt say i resent him or anything. Yes i get annoyed and frustrated when we go a week without sex but i never blame him for it. Other than the sex (ill be honest we fool around maybe once a week sometimes two. I know thats a lot considering i have seen stories on here where couples can go months without sex, but its still a lot less than my body craves.) We have a very happy relationship. We enjoy eachothers company and we what is lacking in sex we make up for in other apsects of our relationship. 

 

I suspect it gets harder as the years progress but im too stubborn to give up. XD

I was also too stubborn to give up. 

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@Shooie Welcome to AVEN!

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,
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Although it is kind of fun sometimes to be relaxed & cool about those moments? like, "oops I'm finding you sexy, um... let's hug with an air gap"

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I'm in an *almost* identical situation. Hit the 2 yr mark with my gf. Madly in love with her, all other aspects of the relationship the best I've ever had. We have goals, we communicate, she spoils me rotten. And we are physically affectionate. But she's not only ace but a sexual assault survivor. Crucial difference. Expecting sex from her would make me the worst kind of bitch. And I have accepted that up til now. We talk about it, she has even offered to open the relationship (which isn't a solution cuz the only person I want to be physically intimate with is her).  

But I can't escape the fact that deep down I know acting like I'm fine not having sex is just that- an act. It's not just the lack of sex, either. It's a feeling of heartbreak at the boundary I feel it puts between us. And especially a resentment at feeling like my needs are treated as trivial, a nuisance, or worse, an unwanted, unwelcome burden. That I'm somehow unfair or unreasonable to hope for certain things. 

That's damn painful, no sugar coating it!

I find myself feeling less open to any form of physical affection. Not because it "won't go anywhere" but because I feel that boundary between us, as well as that walking-on-eggshells feeling of, "is this ok? Is this too much? Am I making unfair demands? What about now?" 

I find myself having less patience or tolerance will her in general, only to realize later that's just a biproduct of the same resentment & frustration over the sex issue bleeding into other things. 

Plus, at times I feel downright judged, unattractive, unwanted.

Or, worse, like we're nothing but extremely close roommates (which is REALLY a punch straight to the gut) .

Then I second guess myself all over again. Why do I need sex, anyway? Is this just society's conditioning? Can't just accept her boundaries & get by on what I'm offered?   

Not a pretty picture I paint, I know. But it wasn't always this severe, of course. Maybe such relationships have a built in expiration date, idk. 

If this were any other past relationship I'd end it. But, as I said, other than the sex thing this is hands down. *the best relationship I've ever had*. Perfect, really, except for that one, pesky, crucial detail! So how do I just throw that away?

And what happens if I stay too long?

I haven't offered you any answers, I know. Sorry. I guess I'm just saying you're far from alone. 

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On 10/28/2018 at 6:10 PM, Dachsy_Mom said:

she's not only ace but a sexual assault survivor. Crucial difference. Expecting sex from her would make me the worst kind of bitch.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but... there are two separate issues here. Sexual assault victim is recognition of a traumatic experience suffered by someone, not identity. Sexual assault doesn't make one incapable of sex, just like having PTSD doesn't automatically mean that a person is unfit for high pressure situations. People are resilient. In fact, a loving touch can heal violating touch.

 

In my view, regardless of what actions are possible or not, a loving partner will want to know what you go through. Particularly if you are in pain. This honesty, in my opinion is an important part of a relationship. There is a very fine line between being protective and being patronizing. For what it is worth, concealing important realities in the name of protecting causes more damage than good to a relationship.

 

Also, your pain is not more or less than hers, that it should have an automatic status of concealment where it is in conflict. In an equal relationship, all the people in the relationship should matter. Talking or hoping or expecting may not result in outcomes you want in terms of sexual action, but concealing will definitely add emotional distance to the sexual distance already being a problem in your relationship. If you can't handle your pain, you must do her the respect of trusting her to hold you in it. Regardless of whether she can "solve" it.

 

Or what is the point being in a fabulous relationship except you can't be yourself?

 

Note: There is a difference between being yourself and everything going as you wish.

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On 10/25/2018 at 2:09 AM, Shooie said:

he has brought up multiple times for me to find someone to mess around with to satisfy my need for sex, vut ill be honest i dont know if i could. I dont do one night stands because i dont find pleasure in just random sex.

My ace too is absolutely fine with me having sex with someone else. Or falling in love, or whatever. But we were explicitly non-monogamous in coming together. Reason why I don't feel ready to get into it is ..... no time. Too much going on in life already with work, time consuming hobbies, disabled dependents, one very loving partner... and casual sex I'm not interested in. Too old to get into the sex for the sake of sex stuff. Been there, done that. Too reclusive, but also for practical reasons. The sex in a relationship gets better for me with time. I have never had stunning first time sex with anyone. Casual sex doesn't seem to hit the investment vs return benchmark.

 

On 10/25/2018 at 2:09 AM, Shooie said:

Ive thought about a poly relationship. If i need to be emotionally invested in a second person he should be too. Ive thought about this for a bit and as of now i havent vrought it up to him yet because im not sure if im ready to bring someone else into my life.  

This is what I want too. My ace is fine with it, but so far I haven't found someone who'd be a good fit. From my half hearted attempts, it seems a lot harder than getting someone to sleep with you.

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