RogueB

Serious help needed in moving forward

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RogueB

Hello,

 

So at this point via research and talking to others, I'm pretty positive I'm graysexual. I have a post somewhere explaining all the things going on with me.

 

The way I'm looking at this is: okay so for most of my life I've felt broken. I'm now finding out I'm not broken, I am just different. There IS an actual reason for why this is happening.

While this is somewhat comforting, it's also not helping. I'm understanding an aspect of myself in a very crucial time, and it's causing me a great amount of distress. I'm hoping you all can help.

 

I started dating... as in I'm 32 and been in maybe 4 relationships, longest running a few months. There are various reasons, but the point I'm trying to make is .this.is.a.huge.deal.

 

A few quick notes:

Met said person on online game, immediate connection but person married (Nope!).

Continued as friends having fun on a game

Recently, he realized how toxic, manipulative, and abusive his household was and how his wife was to him. He is now in the process of a divorce.

He moved, though is moving again in a few days.

Through most of this we've been in constant contact (once he got moved out and settled enough to be like 'hey, sorry I have not been around, things are awful'.) Me just being a supportive person for him.

He resumed trying to date with not much luck. I'd been doing my day to day survival. 

I think we had a sort of line drawn, where we did not want to push the others boundaries. Until he finally said something about liking me. Then we agreed we both have an extreme interest romantically in the other.

 

Honestly, it’s pretty amazing. We have a ton of the same nerdy interests and other things. The other part is while I’m 5 years older (I swear, no cougar comments!) he’s incredibly mature. This is also because, his past was really bad. It’s evident to me that he is not the person he was in his past at all, he’s been accountable, learned, moved forward, and changed for the better. All of which I’m proud of him for.

 

So, while we have interests, both of us are very non-judgmental towards others until we learn facts. This has actually helped significantly keep our communications open, because we feel safe in confiding things to the other without the expectation of suddenly being shunned. We know the other will wait and listen to WHY something is distressing us, then rationalize it and try to help.

 

I’ve mentioned the gray thing, as I’m still learning, and he’s supportive of me and trying to learn as well to better understand me (keeper, right?). The other part is we have yet to actually meet in person, though we’re trying to fit that in somewhere in the next few months.

 

What scares me is the concept of this gray part of me fucking it all up.

 

 

 

For me, I pretty much have this drilled into me. ‘If you love someone, you will not only be in love with their mind, but their physical aspects.’ As in having a physical attraction to promote sexual attraction.

 

The past few times I’ve been in or near relationships, I’ve bailed because I didn’t have that physical connection, thinking it meant I couldn’t feel that way for said person.

 

Now, I’m in that boat again.

 

I hated myself for a long time because I couldn’t understand why I didn’t feel this part of the relationship with people. Was I really that damn picky or judgmental? Now I’m learning, there is a reason. Now that I know the reason, I have to figure out a way around it.

 

I told him yesterday how I am looking at this.

It’s like you’re standing at a river and there is no bridge. You have to get across. Now it’s figuring out HOW to get around the problem, to your destination.

 

 

So the question for me, is when you don’ feel that physical attraction, what the hell do you do about it? How do you get around it to make it not matter? There is someone you love and want to be intimate sexually with, you want to be physically attracted to them (you want to be able to want, to get their clothes off, or whatever), but look at them and are just like 'meh, I'm not really interested in that'. Like, wtf. 😭 It seriously feels like there is a massive disconnect somewhere. Everywhere else is interested! Body, can you get with the program? Apparently not...

 

Please, don’t just say have sex. It does not work like that for me, at all. I have not had sex yet.

 

Now, am I romantically attracted? Yes. Do I have a sex drive? Oh yeah. Does the idea of sex with someone else terrify me or repulse me? No. Do I get butterflies? Yes. Do I get warm fuzzy feelings? Yes.

 

It’s the problem of mind and body look at other person and is just numb. No real response. No physical excitement that leads to sexual attraction. It makes me feel awful. I don’t want people thinking they’re unattractive because that’s not true.

 

I feel like while part of me wants and craves a physical relationship that I’m just standing there wondering why I can’t feel that way, and how empty it makes me.

 

I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to get around it. I don’t want this to ruin a really amazing relationship I have with someone. I’m absolutely terrified.

 

 

 

 

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anisotropic

It sounds like you might be interested in trying to experiencing some physical and sexual intimacy but would want to take it really slow, and not feel any pressure to feel desire, and feel okay about backing out at any time -- does that sound like what you're hoping might happen?

 

Whatever your orientation, taking it really slow and not feeling pressure (which it sounds like you're putting on yourself right now) is really valuable and  important if one hasn't had sex before.

 

And when you are worried that you've never experienced attraction before, and might never, making sure a partner knows this and is comfortable with it could help reduce pressure you feel. You could let them take the lead on touching you, seeing how you feel about it. There's a lot of trust involved in sexual intimacy, and for you -- if you are going to try it -- that might also include trusting a partner to respect and be caring and careful about your lack of desire.

 

(I hope that didn't boil down to "have sex"!)

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CierraJasmineJ

Hey! what @anisotropic said I think is really good advice. He sounds pretty understanding about the whole grey-a idea, which is a great start. You both do have romantic attraction to each other, so perhaps you might start there? The both of you haven't met in person yet, but when you do, I agree to take it slow. You are both already being understanding about each other, but maybe try being more understanding about yourself as well? Sorry, that isn't worded that well, but I think that the level of maturity you describe in this situation from both your side and his is a very good beginning. It's okay to be terrified, because relationships are scary. The best way to make this go the best it can would probably be open communication, which you already seem to have. 

2 hours ago, RogueB said:

It’s the problem of mind and body look at other person and is just numb. No real response. No physical excitement that leads to sexual attraction. It makes me feel awful. I don’t want people thinking they’re unattractive because that’s not true.

 

I feel like while part of me wants and craves a physical relationship that I’m just standing there wondering why I can’t feel that way, and how empty it makes me.

 

I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to get around it. I don’t want this to ruin a really amazing relationship I have with someone. I’m absolutely terrified.

Like this fear you mention, you don't want him thinking he's unattractive because you aren't physically attracted to him. That's a valid worry you have. You can work to make sure he doesn't feel that way by just continuing the open communication that you have. Overall, sorry if this isn't very helpful. Just, it sounds like you both have a great connection, so go for it! Because it seems like being in a relationship could make you both happy, and that's what is important. 

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DesertWells

I relate to a lot of the things you said. I would say, as previously mentioned, have patience with yourself. Give yourself time to connect to him more, and hopefully you’ll understand yourself better and feel more comfortable. If he can be patient and understanding with you, even better.

 

I loved my ex deeply, but it took some time before I felt physically attracted to her, and it had nothing to do with aesthetics, I knew she was beautiful, but my mind just didn’t care until the bond was deep enough.

 

She and I were completely open and honest in every aspect, that’s the most important thing - communication. So, continue to make yourself vulnerable to him, tell him how you feel and have faith that he’ll understand, you can’t do more than that.

 

I also met her via online gaming btw.

 

Give it a chance, you will regret it if you don’t.

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nanogretchen4

If you haven't even met this person in real life, I think your next step is to spend some time in the same room with him and see how both of you feel then. It's probably best not to have a lot of expectations about having a serious relationship with someone you haven't even had a first date with. So far the issue of sexual orientation has been safely theoretical since you've never been in a situation where sex was possible. You might find yourself feeling either more or less enthusiastic about the idea once you have a chance to put your theories to the test.

 

In addition to sexual incompatibility possibly becoming a problem, there are many other things that are very different in an in person relationship compared to an online one. At present you can talk about your lives and share your feelings, but you aren't actually living together. Your living spaces, finances, and professional lives are completely independent from each other. When you communicate on line you aren't having to deal with each other's families and friends. It's much easier to put boundaries around your time and talk only when you both want to. You are insulated from each other's annoying habits and incompatible approaches to things like money or household chores. Things like an age difference that don't matter online could matter more in person.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Until you meet in person you won't know if you're compatible for anything more than an online friendship. 

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RogueB

@anisotropic

 

A lot of it is more frustration on my part than anything on him. For me it's like, 'can I just get to this stage and stop being stressed about stupid things?'

 

I more bring up what I did because of my own anxiety. My mind is always way ahead of me no matter what. While I can focus on the now, and I do, it helps me to be able to work out problems mentally before they happen. To me, it's trying to make sense of 15 years of emotions and figure out how to go forward. While this relationship is taking it's time, my way of coming to terms with this, is being able to actually plan out ideas of how to make this work (in a relationship period).

 

I agree, I'm actually thinking about just showing him this post, that way he can also ask questions etc if he chooses to.

 

@CierraJasmineJ

Agreed, we will be taking it slowly. :) 

 

@nanogretchen4

 

I agree with what you're saying. This is also something both of us have been keeping in mind. We talk on the phone constantly, and you are right, things in person can be very different. The goal at the moment is simply be supportive of the other, hopefully get to meet in the upcoming months, and hopefully have things go well. We're not dive bombing into anything.

 

 

 

Thank you all so far, I look forward to talking more with you all. I may also respond more in depth later to comments, can't stay on computer.

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AspieAlly613

If you don't find him physically attractive and still want to continue the romance, be honest with him about it.  Honesty is important.

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Kayze
On 10/24/2018 at 4:43 AM, RogueB said:

So the question for me, is when you don’ feel that physical attraction, what the hell do you do about it? How do you get around it to make it not matter? There is someone you love and want to be intimate sexually with, you want to be physically attracted to them (you want to be able to want, to get their clothes off, or whatever), but look at them and are just like 'meh, I'm not really interested in that'. Like, wtf. 😭 It seriously feels like there is a massive disconnect somewhere. Everywhere else is interested! Body, can you get with the program? Apparently not...

 

Please, don’t just say have sex. It does not work like that for me, at all. I have not had sex yet.

 

Now, am I romantically attracted? Yes. Do I have a sex drive? Oh yeah. Does the idea of sex with someone else terrify me or repulse me? No. Do I get butterflies? Yes. Do I get warm fuzzy feelings? Yes.

 

It’s the problem of mind and body look at other person and is just numb. No real response. No physical excitement that leads to sexual attraction. It makes me feel awful. I don’t want people thinking they’re unattractive because that’s not true.

 

I feel like while part of me wants and craves a physical relationship that I’m just standing there wondering why I can’t feel that way, and how empty it makes me.

The worry I have here is that you WANT to have a physical relationship yet your body doesn't respond to it. If this is a general need instead of one specific to this guy, that might be a medical issue you'd want to check (but that's not a guarantee either). Like, as a gray-a, sure I'd like to experience sexual attraction like most others just to make compatibility easier but not actually for my own personal interests. I feel fulfilled in other ways and merely worry about pleasing the other person well enough. Hell, even romantic attraction can be hard; Sometimes I wish I could just flip a switch and let myself be attracted to one of the guys that have been pursuing me so I can finally have someone emotionally close.

 

But anyways, back to you:

 

With this specific person, do you not find them aesthetically attractive? Do they hit the marks of a guy that's your type? Is it that you're just romantically attracted but do not find them physically attractive (sexually or not)? I can definitely empathize with wanting to feel certain ways about a specific person but being unable to.

 

Ultimately, if it doesn't check all the boxes and physical attraction is important to you, you might want to keep searching. It doesn't mean anything about either of you, it's just a personal preference thing. Everyone has their type and requirements and it's better for both of you to be honest about these needs.

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