anamikanon Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 So, one thing led to another, and a friend held me close when I needed it. It was an emotional, intimate moment for both of us. Used to touch being "dead" in terms of conveying anything sexual, I inadvertently ended up arousing him with touch I thought and intended as caring. Sadly, that caused the hug to end earlier than either of us wanted it - for both emotional and sexual reasons. lol. It was neither the time nor place. The incident left me somewhat rattled. Unbelievable as it sounds, I'd completely forgotten the instant flaring of sexual desire that can happen between people. And it left me wanting more, even though I really see him as no more than a friend. I want more of what I felt and more of being able to have such an impact on another person, rather than more of him - if that makes sense. I also feel vaguely guilty of leading him on, even if inadvertently. He has been attracted to me for a while. It was a sort of open secret. He's been going through stuff, plus much as I like him, I hadn't really seen him in a sexual way till that time, so I hadn't been interested. He hadn't pushed. We haven't met since, and if we meet, it is unlikely that we will continue from where we stopped, but neither of us seem to be able to forget it either. Now I'm overthinking this and the ethics of it. I know the ball is pretty much in my court. If I want something to happen, it will. At the same time, I know what really has me obsessed is the feeling of effortless sexual energy more than him and.... well, he's a friend. I don't want to use him, though he is attracted enough that he'd probably go "let's see what happens." My ace is pretty much indifferent, as always (I'm poly, but not interested in casual sex so far). He's fine with however I choose and a part of me is actually screaming inside that he should be worried because what I felt was so powerful that I'm actually considering a relationship for the sake of sex even knowing it could risk a friendship if things went bad. Clearly I'm toying with the idea of crossing lines I would not even have considered before then. I am not at all the type to engage in sex with a friend without intending a serious relationship. And I'm fairly certain my friend wants a relationship with me more than I want one with him. I'm just intoxicated on sexual energy. This will not end well if one of us ends up hurt, but for the first time, I find myself interested in a gamble. There has to be a question in here somewhere, but I don't have the foggiest how to articulate it. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 I think sexual interest can sort of sneak up on you. Sometimes that is the nicest way. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 I figure if you have poly experience, you'd be wiser on what to do than me! It does sound like it's liable to land your friend in a situation where he wants to hope for more than you think you'll be able to give him. But on the other hand... if someone has a bit of a crush and gets to have an actual experience, not an imagined one, it could make their feelings become less intense or obsessive. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted October 25, 2018 Author Share Posted October 25, 2018 I don't have poly experience. I am poly in belief, but never really chased relationships (including when I was single - my ace literally walked into my home and life from another city, because he wanted to meet) and poly takes quite a bit of effort given that I live in a relatively conservative society and the sort of people I am attracted to are relatively uncommon and I have several time consuming responsibilities (disabled dependents). I could have had casual sex, but sex for the sake of sex has never been something worth chasing before this and I always imagined that if I had another relationship, it would be because I fell in love with that person as well. Given my responsibilities and limitations, making the effort to juggle two relationships just didn't seem to be worth the hassle unless both were important to me. It is only in this last year that I have become determined to have another sexual relationship to the point of going through some effort to make it happen. It may sound a bit strange, but a bad sexual relationship is worse than being single, which I actually enjoy. Now I have tapes playing in my head telling me that soon it will be menopause and possibly the end of sexual desire itself and unless I want to close my sexual life like this, I'd better do something. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 @anamikanon Ah, I see! Well, I'm not sure about myself, but my partner and I did do a bit of open/poly a long time ago, but the other-partner stuff was limited. We didn't deliberately try to date. For me, just a one-off with an old friend... his other relationship didn't go great, maybe because when they finally tried to have sex (once) it didn't go well (in retrospect, we guess his lack of interest played a role -- oops. But also she was upset about other things in life, etc...) I've fallen in love pretty hard with another too... and my partner was kind and supportive about how it affected me, but it couldn't be reciprocated, so it's not a full experience for me (it felt a bit like loving multiple children?). He used to know a poly crowd and as far as we could tell it was a giant web of drama mess. Blah. 😕 Now that he imagines I would try it and I'm wary, given the observations I had, and there's just no time for it. But we've known a stable poly triad in the past, with kids even, living together...? Didn't seem like a mess? It's hard to for me to imagine us having a second partner that is that serious! Anyway my meandering point is that you might want to get a book for advice and tips, if not a therapist? (My gender therapist does poly too.) That's what I plan to do if I ever take up my partner's interest in having me date other people, as I consider our experiences minimal. There's a couple books on the topic (eg "opening up"). Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 There is a lot to think about. I met that friend again, but it was among a lot of people. We were casual and comfortable in each other's company, but neither of us brought up what had happened. My ace was there too, and they both seemed comfortable with each other too. And that felt ok too - at least on my end. Like I said, I'm not really attracted to him so much as that taste of being able to have such an impact on another person so effortlessly. Lot of thoughts in my mind. Will probably meet him next week as well. I guess I'll come to know with time and opportunity what happens of this. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 On 10/25/2018 at 4:07 PM, anisotropic said: Anyway my meandering point is that you might want to get a book for advice and tips, if not a therapist? (My gender therapist does poly too.) That's what I plan to do if I ever take up my partner's interest in having me date other people, as I consider our experiences minimal. There's a couple books on the topic (eg "opening up"). Mentally, my ace and I are both very sorted. There is zero emotional trouble on this front. I don't need a book or therapist, I need a man that suits my fifty finicky conditions to be a suitable candidate 😂😂 A unicorn seems easier right now. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 9 minutes ago, anamikanon said: Mentally, my ace and I are both very sorted. There is zero emotional trouble on this front. I don't need a book or therapist, I need a man that suits my fifty finicky conditions to be a suitable candidate 😂😂 A unicorn seems easier right now. Well... okay... I don't see that a book would hurt? Do only mentally "unsorted" people read books?? (And I think it's not great to imply therapy is only for people that are not "sorted".) As I described, our experience years ago was that it got a bit complicated even when both of us were totally chill with it, because it wasn't just about us. Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 Just now, anisotropic said: Well... okay... I don't see that a book would hurt? Do only mentally "unsorted" people read books?? (And I think it's not great to imply therapy is only for people that are not "sorted".) As I described, our experience years ago was that it got a bit complicated even when both of us were totally chill with it, because it wasn't just about us. There is nothing to solve. That is the thing. I have plenty of avenues to discuss problems that come up and am also on poly forums. The problem is that there isn't a situation for problems to come up. For example with this friend. Intense attraction. He doesn't suit what I want in a relationship. My ace is cool with me going either way. There is no problem other than availability of suitable men right now. Link to post Share on other sites
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