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Coming out at work


rachelpenguin

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rachelpenguin

I’m thinking about coming out to my department at work (~10 people), to whom I am pretty close. (I’m out to all my friends and family.) They’ve all been really supportive of the “life issues” I’ve been facing lately. I wouldn’t describe my colleagues as friends, that is I don’t really socialise with them much outside of work.  I just feel like this would be the final piece of the jigsaw that is me. I just want people to know who I am. I’m not looking for validation or anything like that, I’m perfectly happy and comfortable with my asexuality. But I’m worried they’ll treat me differently. And also, I’m unsure as to whether i should tell them as it has literally no impact on or relevance to our work whatsoever. So yeah, I’m not sure whether or not I should. This was more of a thought dump than anything, but if anyone has any thoughts on this I’d love to hear them! Thanks. 

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I worked in a factory where it was very masculine and hetero' was the dominant train of thought, so coming out at work was a non-starter.

 

In your situation are there any people of the LGBT community? What seems to be the thoughts of your co-workers about other sexualities/identities, positive or negative?

 

Nothing wrong with 'thought dumps', I've posted a lot of stuff just to get it off my chest, not really looking for any particular if any reactions. Just feeling better after penning the post.

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rachelpenguin
2 hours ago, will123 said:

In your situation are there any people of the LGBT community? What seems to be the thoughts of your co-workers about other sexualities/identities, positive or negative?

Thanks, @will123. I do have one colleague openly in a same-sex relationship, and from what I can see no-one has any issues (as I should hope). However, that doesn’t meant that I haven’t heard some colleagues making generalised anti-LGBT+ comments. And with asexuality being such a minority and unknown, I do worry. I know that I can complain if I receive any negativity, but I’d rather not receive it in the first place? Plus I don’t even know how I’d start that conversation...

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independent_z

Hm, do you feel like you can't take part in certain discussions or that you just "nod along" when they speak of things you can't relate to? If so, does it make you feel uncomfortable and/or untrue to yourself and them? Then maybe you should consider telling them. But if you don't want to make a big deal about telling them maybe you could just let it be until the right moment comes along when you can just say it as a matter of fact.

 

 

 

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I don't recommend telling people at work; it may impact your career.  Also people can be gossipy, mean, and vicious once they find out another person is different.  I found out the hard way.

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This is a tricky scenario, and there are a lot of variables at play. I work for a fairly large employer, and I'm part of a group that offers support for employees on LGBT2SQIA* issues, including things like this. On the one hand, in some environments keeping mum about things will just let gossip brew. On the other hand, sometimes people feel imposed upon when others come out to them, so they might not take it in a constructive manner. It depends on your coworkers and the kind of environment that's been established there. Do you have a good relationship with your supervisor, or any other senior colleague who you can talk to first? Coming out with full support of someone of respect or authority (formal or otherwise) will help set the tone. If you work for a larger employer with a good HR department and/or short-term counseling services, you may benefit from using those resources to prepare yourself for possible backlash. Ideally your colleagues will just say "Oh, cool" and things will carry on as they've always been, but in case that's not the outcome it doesn't hurt to know where you can go from there.

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I've told a couple of people I work with, one-on-one so it didn't really feel like "coming out".  Their responses were curious, but generally supportive.   

Some people who are unfamiliar with asexuality will only hear the "sexual" part of the word asexual and may feel imposed upon or even offended that you discussed your "sexuality" with them.

I really haven't felt much different after telling friends I am asexual, and most of my friends weren't surprised by my revelation.  So, my advice is that unless it comes up in a conversation, keep it to yourself unless people are constantly playing matchmaker and trying to set you up.   

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Do I remember correctly that you work with children (at a school)? If so I'd keep silent. Somehow it's bound to leak to the parents and someone in that community will have an issue with it. That's sad, but practical. And if it really doesn't impact on your relationship with your co-workers, there seems no need. I feel bad about this advice, really, because I applaud your desire to be open.

 

Difficult.

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To add to my initial response, I only found out about asexuality three years before I retired. Yes I was glad to know I was asexual, I didnt feel the need to come out anyone at the time.

 

I'd have to concur with what @Midland Tyke @Muledeer have posted. In my opinion the negatives could outweigh the positives by coming out to your co-workers.

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I generally go with the idea that if it comes up in conversation somehow, I'll be open about it, but otherwise, it's nobody else's business.

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I made a rant a while ago on Facebook generally about figuring out my sexuality and all that. I made it public to work people and had some supportive comments on it. From work itself it has actually been pretty good since because occasionally people will remember from said rant that i don't like random people hugging me so people will ask before they try.  It has not changed the way anyone has worked with me and no one has said anything negative. Only the closer work colleagues have actually asked questions but never at work only outside.   As for the where you work even if you do (i don;t know) work at a school then you still should feel it is ok to come out.  I mean no one can complain about the person who doesn't have sex! I mean what valid argument can their be about the sexless sexuality XD  Plus kids get taught by gay people now parents can't really complain and the ones that have issues can just send their kids to the catholic schools. 

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3 hours ago, Lilsi said:

Plus kids get taught by gay people now parents can't really complain and the ones that have issues can just send their kids to the catholic schools.

As someone who was sent to several Catholic schools while growing up, that won't necessarily prevent that. :lol:

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4 minutes ago, Spotastic said:

As someone who was sent to several Catholic schools while growing up, that won't necessarily prevent that. :lol:

I went to one to. We got the phedo instead of the gay!  Whoop

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14 minutes ago, Spotastic said:

As someone who was sent to several Catholic schools while growing up, that won't necessarily prevent that. :lol:

The Catholic high school that I drive by occasionally has a day care. Not sure if it is exclusively for the students or open to the general public too.

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7 hours ago, will123 said:

The Catholic high school that I drive by occasionally has a day care. Not sure if it is exclusively for the students or open to the general public too.

If a school needs a day care centre, perhaps their sex-ed should be more theoretical and less "hands-on" 😋 😋 

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rachelpenguin

As I child I went to a mixed-sex Catholic primary school followed by a secular all-girls secondary school 😂

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Because of how bad my parents were at paying rent and we ended up moving all over the city we lived in, I went to 9 different schools before 6th grade. Luckily, things got more settled by middle school and I went to one school for 6th-8th grades and I got a scholarship to a different school for 9th-12th. I had a crazy, chaotic childhood. :wacko:

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

One of our team managers came out as gay during the 'wear pink for breast cancer research' day we had recently. He got a fantastic response- even a round of applause. I'm open about being ace- in a close office environment the inevitable 'why don't you have a SO ?' comes up pretty fast, and I got a positive but quizzical response and good results.

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I am open about my asexuality but I am not close enough to people at work to come out to them specifically. Our company is progressive about diversity and LGBTQA friendly. Besides me, there is an openly gay person in senior management. 

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rachelpenguin

I did manage to persuade them to add a + to LGBT. No-one asked why. 

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Personally, I haven't come out at work, only on Farcebook to all friends on there (and anybody they told of course). If anybody at work asked me personal questions, I wouldn't lie about it though. I don't feel the need to make a public announcement about it at work, though I don't think it would hurt me either.

 

Your situation might be totally different though, so it's hard for me to recommend what to do.

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I think it's a very personal thing - some people consider it important to tell their colleagues, others less so. (I'm personally in the second category)

If you think about it - statistically like 10% of your colleagues are gonna be LGBT, whether they are open about it or not, so it might end better than you think.

 

It probably also depends on the company though. I know one of my colleagues wrote a block post about how important it was for him to finally find an employer where he felt he could be open about it. Both my current as well as former employers were generally pretty good about diversity and inclusion - so my view might be jaded by those experiences and thus not representative of the average.

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Fluffy Femme Guy

I don't feel a need to tell my co-workers since they don't ask or pressure me about anything like that.

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rachelpenguin

All these replies have been brilliant, thank you so much for your thoughts / advice 🙂

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The only person who actually asked me what my sexuality was, was my boss so I came out to him first. I sort of use the conversation with my boss as a guide to help me come out to my friends and family. I found it easier coming out to my boss because I wasn’t as worried about his opinion of me changing. 

 

But it if he didn’t ask I don’t think I would have gone out of my way to tell him. I always keep a bit of a line between work and personal stuff.

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rachelpenguin
7 hours ago, Noko42 said:

 I always keep a bit of a line between work and personal stuff.

I always did too, until changes in my personal life affected my work and I needed my colleagues’ and manager’s support. 

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6 minutes ago, Rach1234 said:

I always did too, until changes in my personal life affected my work and I needed my colleagues’ and manager’s support. 

Are you OK? 

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rachelpenguin
On 11/1/2018 at 7:45 PM, Midland Tyke said:

Are you OK? 

Yes, thank you 😊 

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