feeling confused, hurt

[an2332]

my partner recently came out to me as asexual (i'm sexual) after about a year of declining physical intimacy. I was happy that they told me because it clarified what was going on with that aspect of our relationship, which has been really fraught overall for the last year, but it hasn't been without it's complications. they feel alot of guilt about our difference and sometimes this leads to us trying to be intimate but it always ends quickly and badly with them being really upset. I don't want them to feel badly their asexuality, but the attempts at intimacy make it harder for me because i feel confused and sad that they are so uncomfortable with me but still push themselves in that context. i also feel let down in a way that i feel extremely guilty about. it's like it would be easier if we weren't intimate period because i could let go of hope for that sort of conventional sexual aspect of our relationship and have that consistency... i'm a terrible communicator already and my last relationship was very mentally emotionally and verbally abusive - especially around things like desire or crushes etc - so the thought of sitting with them and discussing my wants and needs fills me with anxiety. I'm worried that they'll a) judge me for what i want/need and b) feel bad that they don't want to do these things (as has already come up in the moment when we attempt to be intimate). i need to talk to them. they've brought up compromises (i sleep with other people/someone else) in passing, but always dismiss it themselves before theres a discussion or space to talk - as though it was a joke - the dynamic around hearing that is really upsetting because it reminds me of being verbally attacked and emotionally manipulated by the ex when they tried to get me to talk about crushes i had. 
they recently went on vacation and while they were away they told me they held hands with an old friend while they were there, which i didn't mind. they said it wasn't in a friendly way but thats nothing i would ever think to make a big deal out of because of how i perceive intimacy, if that makes sense. i forgave them and told them not to beat themselves up about it or feel bad. they're still away and for the last few days we've been fighting over text and my mind keeps going to them holding hands on vacation and i feel more and more hurt the long i ruminate on it - does anyone have any thoughts or stuff i can read to try to get over my fear of communication or ways that i can be more supportive of them letting go of that guilt?

 

thanks a lot

[natural blue]

try sitting down with them and telling them you need to talk to them. explain everything to them like you did in this post, and be sure to tell them that if they don't want to have sex then thats okay. honestly, i can totally understand how you feel with the whole anxiety/fear of communication thing. for me, the thing that works for that is to push myself. im very stubborn (which can be good or bad), so i would decide to talk to someone, go up to them, and just talk. it'd be super stressful at first, but once you get through it you'll realize it's not as bad as you thought.

also, try to be as compassionate as possible. the only way your partner could really be upset is if you make them upset by being insensitive. choose your words carefully, and imagine yourself in your partner's shoes, as if you were being told those things. 

if you truly put in an effort to convince them without being hurtful, and they still say no, then all you can really do is accept their decision, sorry to say.

[AmorphousBlob]

Geez.. I'm not good with this stuff. I'd say a good start would be to actually sit down and have a serious conversation about what you just said here. Think about it this way, talking about something might end badly, but NOT talking about it WILL end badly. Communication is scary, I have firsthand experience with that, but a lack of communication is worse.

[Lara Black]

Hello, @an2332

This situation really sounds tricky – especially, if you have problems with communications. The thing is, managing a mixed-sexuality relationship demands a whole lot of communications and negotiations. If talking and real-time texting creates more problems than solutions, you might try writing letters to each other – digitally or by hand. Unlike talking and texting, a well-formed letter doesn’t allow any back-and-forth, any “jokes” and brushing away sensitive subjects etc. Whatever is written is serious and each of you really means it. Additionally, each of you has time to read, process the information and form the answer you want the partner to hear as opposed to saying/texting something rush.

[NickyTannock]

@an2332 Welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I had some experience-based advice for you, but I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.
All I can suggest is that you sit down with them, and discuss this.
I don't know how you can get over your fear, to make that happen.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[anamikanon]

On 10/22/2018 at 11:46 AM, an2332 said:

my partner recently came out to me as asexual (i'm sexual) after about a year of declining physical intimacy. I was happy that they told me because it clarified what was going on with that aspect of our relationship, which has been really fraught overall for the last year, but it hasn't been without it's complications. they feel alot of guilt about our difference and sometimes this leads to us trying to be intimate but it always ends quickly and badly with them being really upset. I don't want them to feel badly their asexuality, but the attempts at intimacy make it harder for me because i feel confused and sad that they are so uncomfortable with me but still push themselves in that context.

It is possible for an asexual to have sex, even enjoy it, even though they don't usually want it for themselves. Them initiating sex does not need to make you feel guilty. They are making the effort because they understand you like sex, so why not appreciate a gift in the spirit it is given? I know this isn't easy and the initial period after the big revelation usually is fraught with distress and turbulent emotions, but it is worth simplifying what you can, so that you have energy and perspective for the things that MUST be addressed.

 

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i also feel let down in a way that i feel extremely guilty about. it's like it would be easier if we weren't intimate period because i could let go of hope for that sort of conventional sexual aspect of our relationship and have that consistency...

Just because they are asexual and you are sexual does not mean that they can't initiate or that you must want sex every time they offer. If you are finding sex difficult right now, it is ok to refuse. I would recommend against making permanent decisions about the presence/absence/frequency/rejection of sex in this initial phase, because right now both of you are going through a phase of shock and adaptation to the discovery of a very difficult incompatibility. How you feel, what you want and so on will swing wildly in the months to come and most sexuals (and probably aces too) will tell you that it is easier to ask an asexual to not have sex than get them to have sex with you once the sex in your relationship dies out. 

 

Be very sure that you don't want sex with them before writing off physical intimacy, just because it seems harder right now. You always have the choice to say "Not tonight, love. Got things on my mind" rather than throw their gift back in their faces, say intimacy with them is worse than not being intimate at all and then regretting it a few months down the line.

 

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i'm a terrible communicator already

All the more reason to measure your words very carefully when you are in turmoil if you don't have an instinct to say the right thing in a difficult moment. Words can't be taken back easily. And words said in a moment of hurt and in a manner that hurts can leave scars that get worse than the problem that caused them. I would highly recommend placing your expression in the right context "this moment in a turbulent phase". Like "right now, I'm finding the thought of having sex with you when you don't want it very hard" "Right now, I can't imagine having sex when you don't want it" - recognize that this is one of many things you are going to feel and don't let one moment of expression make subsequent moments harder.

 

If you end up never wanting sex with him, eventually, a daily "don't want sex" will make the larger pattern clear. But don't gauge what you really want for your relationship by what you feel in one moment during a period of change.

 

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and my last relationship was very mentally emotionally and verbally abusive - especially around things like desire or crushes etc - so the thought of sitting with them and discussing my wants and needs fills me with anxiety. I'm worried that they'll a) judge me for what i want/need and b) feel bad that they don't want to do these things (as has already come up in the moment when we attempt to be intimate). i need to talk to them.

No getting around the need for conversation in any relationship you want to nurture. You are going to have to figure out how to do this.

 

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they've brought up compromises (i sleep with other people/someone else) in passing, but always dismiss it themselves before theres a discussion or space to talk - as though it was a joke - the dynamic around hearing that is really upsetting because it reminds me of being verbally attacked and emotionally manipulated by the ex when they tried to get me to talk about crushes i had. 

They are not the same person as your ex. They can bring it up and dismiss it, but there is nothing stopping you from bringing it up another time when you feel more prepared to talk "You know what you said and then joked about the other day, about us opening up our marriage..." Chances are, they are also feeling awkward, because in a normative world, suggesting sex with someone else is not done casually and if they don't know how you feel about it (or even if they do), suggesting that you should have sex with someone else may be difficult and awkward for them to do.

 

Personally, I think your ace sounds like they are among the more evolved and adaptable ones. They are offering sex, offering you alternatives for sexual satisfaction... it is very promising in the sense of him being very interested in finding a compromise that works for both of you and being wiling to actively work to make it happen. It is an attitude that is very encouraging for a relationship to thrive.

 

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they recently went on vacation and while they were away they told me they held hands with an old friend while they were there, which i didn't mind. they said it wasn't in a friendly way but thats nothing i would ever think to make a big deal out of because of how i perceive intimacy, if that makes sense. i forgave them and told them not to beat themselves up about it or feel bad. they're still away and for the last few days we've been fighting over text and my mind keeps going to them holding hands on vacation and i feel more and more hurt the long i ruminate on it - does anyone have any thoughts or stuff i can read to try to get over my fear of communication or ways that i can be more supportive of them letting go of that guilt?

I don't know how this is relevant to your issue. They held hands with an old friend. So? Are you saying that this is a romantic thing or that you are hurt that they have people they feel close to or something else? Do you think they want to open the marriage because there is closeness with others that he too would like to pursue? I am not getting what is disturbing you and why.