I can't imagine experiencing it

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

she probably “saw it in all [her] relationships.”

Yep, because in comparison to her they were. She'd just never been in a relationship with a woman and discovered it's not 'men', it's 'people'.

[Telecaster68]

2 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

yeah I'm with @CBC on what the "general wisdom" is on this. Which is to say, when you've mentioned this, it does really underscores the "what the ...?!?" 😕

I'm glad you're out of it. It sounds awful.

Thanks.

 

That particular remark shut me up for a while, too.

[ryn2]

11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yep, because in comparison to her they were. She'd just never been in a relationship with a woman and discovered it's not 'men', it's 'people'.

Likely.  I’d say “some people,” though, as there are plenty of men (and probably women as well, stereotypes aside) out there looking for people who “don’t go getting all emotional” over sex.

[anamikanon]

On 10/20/2018 at 6:00 AM, anisotropic said:

I can't seem to imagine anyone being attracted to me.

It feels really weird. Like, my mind slides off of it. Like I'm trying to grab a wet bar of soap, and it slips out of my grasp, every time.

Yeah. This is how I ended up inadvertently arousing a friend I wanted to keep platonic and then getting obsessed with how great it felt  I simply didn't expect anyone to desire me no matter what I did and thought I was just being affectionate. My ace says I am paying it forward (I've complained about him arousing me with touch with no intention of sex in the past)

 

On 10/20/2018 at 6:00 AM, anisotropic said:

I wonder if something is dead.

I think this is a natural thing to wonder about. When I described that incident to my ace, I actually said "I am so used to touch being dead, I was unprepared for it to arouse anyone". It is because we have tried over and over and failed miserably to arouse desire in our partners. If after all our endless efforts we failed with someone who actually loves us, why would anyone desire us? It is illogical to measure our desirability with aces, but the perceptions still get created.

 

On 10/20/2018 at 6:00 AM, anisotropic said:

He says it's probably dormant, not dead. He's probably right. He hopes I'll experience this, date someone else. I think he'll have to make me. I think I would be afraid to try to revive this piece of me.

If my "accident" is anything to go by, I agree he's probably right too. It was heady, inconvenient, intoxicating and left me obsessed with how I felt. It was like coming back to life after years in limbo. But it is terrifying too. i found myself considering things, contemplating crossing lines I would never have considered if not for that experience.

[anamikanon]

I don't have any problem believing that I am attractive, because I am. I have a magnetic personality and have yet to be in a social situation where I was either ignored or not actively wanted. Plenty of people have told me I am attractive and I believe them. But that is different from being sexually attractive. Being widely known to be involved with my ace, it is very rare for anyone to make sexual advances at me. The typical advances "married" women get don't happen with me because I generally come across as brutally honest and no-nonsense. Lots of people seek to spend time with me one on one, but there really are a hundred reasons for it, and sexual attraction can't be assumed here at all, though it is possible.

 

There is no experiential evidence of anyone being sexually interested in me for years now.

 

So it is possible for me to KNOW I am attractive and still not expecting anyone desiring me. Which sounds pretty stupid now that I type it out and also in the wake of my recent experience.

[anisotrophic]

Glad to hear I'm not totally crazy!

Yeah, I think the type of "sexually attractive" I can't (won't) imagine is attracted to me as a holistic entity – as a person someone knows and desires to be intimate with – not a statement about the body I'm in or casual sex and assessments of my acceptability for such. I can't imagine anybody would think of me that holistic-desire way, with my personality and whatnots. Even trying to set aside the status as married apparent-woman with children.

I doubt I'd do myself favors with a transition but I think the transition sounds like a lot more fun – the IDGAF of this has been a silver lining for me.

[ryn2]

This is what makes my situation so weird and confusing.  I got the strong vibe from my partner for years and years that he was only having sex for me.  When I stopped initiating he rarely did, and normally what must have been attempts to initiate were more like “I’m never sure how to know you are in the mood” (to which I, having gotten tired of initiating/struggling through unpleasant sex/fighting about it, would normally take him at face value and say “oh, don’t worry about it, I’m fine without it”).

 

I don’t think I always felt that way, especially with past partners.  I’ve been telling myself my life is fine/easier/better sexless for almost two decades, during which time I’ve had a stroke, gone on meds which affect drive, and gone through years of perimenopause and now menopause.  It’s been so long I’ve forgotten what the truth was, assuming I ever knew, and I sure have no idea what the current truth would be.

 

When you talk about the friend accident, though, I’ve felt the way you are describing.