how to bring up my spouse's possible asexuality with him

[anisotrophic]

🤔 It sounds like it's tricky in part because he's liable to dismiss it as "oh this is one of your queer ideas".

 

In hindsight I think it might be that my own discomfort with my gender landed me with someone that didn't care about gender... (which has felt like a pretty big silver lining) ... so part of my own narrative is... it's not a total coincidence, it actually fit? Not sure if you'd spin it that way.

[GeorginaDarcy]

I don't think he's likely to dismiss asexuality as a real thing, but he might not want to apply it to himself. This is kind of a consistent thing with him -- he very much feels himself to be a straight cis man -- and why I've been wondering if approaching it from the perspective of identity is the incorrect one. I'm used to the mental split between romantic and sexual orientations/behaviors, but he's really not.

 

And, from my point of view, what his identity is matters less than what his long-term wants and needs actually are (not what he seems to want them to be, which is at odds with his actual behavior, which is why I'm here...... ) 

 

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, GeorginaDarcy said:

I don't think he's likely to dismiss asexuality as a real thing, but he might not want to apply it to himself. This is kind of a consistent thing with him -- he very much feels himself to be a straight cis man -- and why I've been wondering if approaching it from the perspective of identity is the incorrect one. I'm used to the mental split between romantic and sexual orientations/behaviors, but he's really not.

 

And, from my point of view, what his identity is matters less than what his long-term wants and needs actually are (not what he seems to want them to be, which is at odds with his actual behavior, which is why I'm here...... ) 

 

That’s a tough situation, if he potentially has “acted a role” (cishet sexual male) for so long that he’s convinced himself... or potentially just never allowed/never been able to allow himself to consider its being untrue.

[anisotrophic]

Maybe it would be an idea that needs lots of time to percolate. The hardest reaction would be taking offense. More workable might be something like, "that sounds really unlikely" with a slow shift.

I think a lot of our shift happened because I just... changed my approach, once the conversation started, to express no expectation of attraction. Maybe you could act like you think it might be true, and something about living it might make it more real...?

(That said, I also found it really painful to accept my partner could never be attracted to me. Not sure I'd have been able to pull something like this off calmly, but maybe I was already at a pretty emotional time with my own transition issues.)

I like that we can joke with each other now, e.g. I pretend he can't understand things with obvious innuendos.