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how to bring up my spouse's possible asexuality with him


GeorginaDarcy

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GeorginaDarcy

I have spent 20+ years with someone I strongly suspect is ace. When we got together, in our late teens, we had a LOT of sex. I expected it to taper off, and it did, but shortly after we got married (early 20s) I realized that most of my friends were having...way more sex than we were, with their partners, even long-term partners.

 

We've been in therapy off & on for sexual desire mismatch and intimacy issues. He generally says he "doesn't know" why he doesn't want sex and tends to avoid any in-depth discussions, even in a therapy setting with a therapist he trusts. The last time we saw a therapist about it, he said that he values cuddling, etc. a lot more than sex and doesn't want sex unless he can have those things consistently. For me this was kind of a problem bc I'd started avoiding those things -- for me they increase sexual feelings a LOT, and I didn't want to pressure him. 

 

Anyway, at that point we decided to try ramping up the nonsexual intimacy, on the basis that it would probably make him more inclined to have sex, and...well, what has happened is that he's DELIGHTED with our intimate life and wants sex even less because he feels satisfied, and I am...extremely lonely and unhappy. 

 

I know I need to talk to him about this (again) and probably get us back into therapy (again) but I feel like...what we need is a different solution space. 

 

I feel like before, me, him, and our therapists have approached the problem like "these people want to be having sex but they aren't because of issues". 

 

I feel more and more like the ACTUAL problem is "only ONE of us wants to be having sex, and we need help negotiating that in a way that works for both of us".

 

I don't even know what the solution space is for that, tbh. I've been reading threads here for a bit but I keep thinking "this isn't going to work for me". I really want to find something that works for us, because I know this isn't going to change. It's been my entire adult life that it's been this way.

 

Every time we've talked about it he's talked about how committed he is to changing it. I think that's wishful thinking and if he says it again I might actually just have a complete screaming meltdown. I need him not to lie to me about that, AGAIN, like he's been doing over and over for TWENTY YEARS.

 

But he won't talk about it. He's shut down discussions of his desires over and over for 20+ years. It's pretty much the ONLY issue he's like this on -- otherwise he's a great communicator and we've been able to have some really hard discussions in the past. 

 

If anyone has any ideas about how to bring these issues up -- is naming "asexuality" as a possibility better? Or would maybe just asking for him to be very honest about whether he's happy with the level of sex we're (not) having work? I don't know. I feel very at sea here. I've been putting this discussion off for a while and opting for crying into whisky while locked in my workroom instead, which is...not healthy. 

 

 

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He is in fact communicating, and very clearly.... He's communicating that he doesn't want sex, doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't want to compromise. When people won't use words, you can only interpret their actions. You're in the Sexual Partner's Paradox.... Talking about it is too much pressure so there's no change, and not talking about it means the asexual can pretend it's not happening, so there's no change.

 

Have you tried writing a letter/email? If he's feeling pressured then it might help. I have my doubts though based on what you've said.

 

Nobody owes anyone else sex, but partners in a relationship do owe each other communication. It *might* survive no sex. It won't survive lack of communication.

 

What would you tell a friend to do in your situation?

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@GeorginaDarcy Welcome to AVEN!

 

38 minutes ago, GeorginaDarcy said:

The last time we saw a therapist about it, he said that he values cuddling, etc. a lot more than sex and doesn't want sex unless he can have those things consistently.

Not only does that sound like something an Asexual would say, but it's also something other Asexuals have said here on AVEN.

 

The problem is, Asexuality isn't as well known as the other sexual orientations, meaning if he is Asexual he's still likely to deny that he's Asexual when presented the word.
I think the solution to this is to instead of bringing it to him as another discussion to shut down, leave him with Asexual resources to read on his own and make it clear that you want him to look at them instead of dismissing it.

One such resource I often link people to is this short book that can be read online for free, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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1 minute ago, MichaelTannock said:

 

The problem is, Asexuality isn't as well known as the other sexual orientations, meaning if he is Asexual he's still likely to deny that he's Asexual when presented the word.

No, the problem is that he's shutting down all discussion of a long term fundamental problem in the relationship.

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

No, the problem is that he's shutting down all discussion of a long term fundamental problem in the relationship.

And why is he shutting down all discussion?

 

I suspect it's because he doesn't understand the problem, and after having so many discussions about it, feels that he'll never understand it, and therefore will only get more pain from discussing it further.

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Which is selfish.

There's only so much people can take. Especially when people keep asking you what the problem is and you just don't know.

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He shouldn't keep promising to change when he clearly knows it's unlikely to happen.

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

He shouldn't keep promising to change when he clearly knows it's unlikely to happen.

It's likely a promise he's trying to keep. And this disagreement we're having is unproductive. I've already offered my solution.

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I doubt being pointed in the direction of AVEN will change him after 20 years of therapy.

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

I doubt being pointed in the direction of AVEN will change him after 20 years of therapy.

Based on the quote below, I politely disagree.

1 hour ago, GeorginaDarcy said:

I feel like before, me, him, and our therapists have approached the problem like "these people want to be having sex but they aren't because of issues". 

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Then they can work together to find a compromise.

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Surely he'll conclude that achieving a compromise is less likely than before he realised he was asexual, so he has even less reason to talk about it.

 

He knows he doesn't want sex. All he's done is learn a new word.

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Hello, @GeorginaDarcy

I’m sorry to hear that you’re in this situation. As I see it, the problem here isn’t asexuality – it’s that your husband promises to change but doesn’t. It’s possible that he honestly expects to do better every time, but can’t… Or he just makes empty promises to keep the relationship from falling apart. Whatever it is, the result is the same – things don’t change and you’re miserable.

It strongly reminds me of my first marriage – we also started very young, and it lasted for 12 years. Our problems had nothing to do with asexuality, but we also went through therapy, and my husband wouldn’t open up even to our therapist… he also promised to change over and over again, until I reached my breaking point. I was so miserable that I actually started drinking – it was the only thing that chased the depression away. One day I realized that things would never get better, and no matter how much I loved him, I needed to save myself.

So, my question to you is: if your husband never changes, can you be happy in this relationship? Is it a healthy relationship for you?

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7 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Surely he'll conclude that achieving a compromise is less likely than before he realised he was asexual, so he has even less reason to talk about it.

 

He knows he doesn't want sex. All he's done is learn a new word.

He's just as likely to reach the opposite conclusion, as finally understanding the problem opens up new possibilities.

 

I also think it is rude for us to be having this argument, as the purpose of this thread is to help the OP, not admonish their partner, who we don't even know.

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I think you need to be very careful in how you go about telling him this, in fact, I think telling him outright that he's asexual is likely to cause an even bigger rift between you two, it would be like someone telling you your fav colour is pink, when your whole life you have thought it was purple, and have lived to accommodate purple being your favorite color. It was life changing for me to read about asexuality, and after denying it for several years, took me forever to actually come to terms with it. Springing this on him suddenly is not a good idea, especially if you expect change to come about from it, especially if you expect him to be like, oh your right, I'm asexual, let's share every single sexual detail and communicate how asexual and not liking sex I am, and how unfair this is to you. Thank conversation is not likely to happen, especially not right away. I suggest casually dropping the term in a conversation, like "hey, I found this website on asexuality today, learned some new things! How's your day going?" make it so that the subject can change if he's uncomfortable, don't force an identity on someone when they may not want it. 

 

All I'm saying is to please be very careful when trying to tell him - the reason you are not communicating might be simply because he's not yet ready to communicate- give him time and if you are sick of waiting, then maybe you're not the right person for him, him not the right person for you. Both of your happiness and health should be the key goal you both are working towards. 

 

Hope this helps a little!

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1 minute ago, MichaelTannock said:

He's just as likely to reach the opposite conclusion, as finally understanding the problem opens up new possibilities.

 

I also think it is rude for us to be having this argument, as the purpose of this thread is to help the OP, not admonish their partner, who we don't even know.

What new possibilities? The only one that matters is whether it'll change his attitude to having a sexual relationship, and when you've been on the receiving end of this kind of attitude for over a decade, you get skeptical about that...

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New possibilities for compromise. Not knowing that he's Asexual means he thinks there's a problem with either him or his partner, rather than sexual incompatibility related to sexual orientation.

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So having learned asexuality is an orientation, he'll feel more likely to have sex?

 

You seriously think that's a likely outcome?

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2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

What new possibilities? The only one that matters is whether it'll change his attitude to having a sexual relationship, and when you've been on the receiving end of this kind of attitude for over a decade, you get skeptical about that...

New possibilities as in compromise. As in, maybe we can agree on having sex once a month. As in, maybe we can agree that it's acceptable to go elsewhere for sex. These are just random examples, but I hope you get my point - the goal is compromise, and within compromise, changing an attitude. I highly doubt the convo they end up having will make him suddenly experience sexual desires, or change his attitude to make him want to have sex just as much as the OP, but I think we are deviating from the point of this post. The point is finding compromise. Compromise, and other possibilities, not changing an attitude that you and I agree may not change. 

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1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

So having learned asexuality is an orientation, he'll feel more likely to have sex?

 

You seriously think that's a likely outcome?

Currently, it's likely the assumption is that he should be having as much sex as the OP wants to have or vice versa.
This, as I say, opens up new possibilities for compromise.

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Alejandrogynous

How about new possibilities for communication? If you've been having the same conversation for 20 years, I'm sure it starts to feel like everything that can be said has already been said a million times. This is potentially new information, a new perspective. Even if it won't magically fix the 'doesn't want sex' issue, it might help them talk about it in a more productive way. 

 

I don't have time for a full post right now but I'll jump back in for the OP's question in a bit. 

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1 minute ago, Alejandrogynous said:

How about new possibilities for communication? If you've been having the same conversation for 20 years, I'm sure it starts to feel like everything that can be said has already been said a million times. This is potentially new information, a new perspective. Even if it won't magically fix the 'doesn't want sex' issue, it might help them talk about it in a more productive way. 

Exactly, being able to label what you are and realizing that you are not broken, it's a real thing, is incredibly helpful: it opens doors to communication that previously may have been closed due to comfort levels, or due to shear embarrassment of thinking something is broken or wrong.

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He's spent twenty years - longer than some of the contributors to this thread have been alive -avoiding the subject and making promises he must know he's unlikely to keep. I would put money on him continuing to avoid and lie rather than suddenly face up to hard choices.

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@Telecaster68 My goal here is to offer potential solutions, a way to open communication between the OP and her partner.

 

What is yours?

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44 minutes ago, Three said:

I think you need to be very careful in how you go about telling him this, in fact, I think telling him outright that he's asexual is likely to cause an even bigger rift between you two, it would be like someone telling you your fav colour is pink, when your whole life you have thought it was purple, and have lived to accommodate purple being your favorite color. It was life changing for me to read about asexuality, and after denying it for several years, took me forever to actually come to terms with it.

This is a good point... @GeorginaDarcy, as you and your partner have navigated difficult non-sex issues in the past, have you identified ways of raising them that worked better (or not so well as) others?  Or were they not the kinds of issues that really struck at the core of who one or both partners are?

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I offered a suggestion on my first post. I also think it's counterproductive to suggest things that run against all experience and knowledge of human nature.

 

Here's an analogy: in the 19th century, a gay man gets married because homosexuality isn't accepted or understood and marriage is expected. For the next twenty years, his lack of desire for his wife causes her constant pain. He's upset by this, and keeps promising to try to want to have sex with her, but doesn't. Increasingly he avoids even talking about it. Then he meets someone who tells him about homosexuality and that it's a perfectly valid orientation. He's relieved and happy, a burden of guilt off his shoulders.

 

Do you think this will make him more or less likely to have sex with his wife?

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