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So what does a sex-repulsed asexual feel?


calmao

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I am just trying to understand something that happened during a previous relationship. My ex at the time was an asexual so I knew I needed to be very careful as to how I dealt with "intimate" actions. I told her when we became "official" that touch was part of my love language, hers wasn't. So, I took it very slowly. I did not offer my arm until three months in, I let her hold my hand first, and I even asked when we had our first kiss... haha! Then when we started sharing a bed I don't think she was comfortable about it but she would not tell me straight out. Anyways, the first night I didn't even touch her. Then after a few more times sharing a bed I made "a move" and moved closer and rested my head on her shoulder, she said it was "cute". Then some time later I actually wrapped my arm around her while we slept, it all still seemed to be going okay. Then during our last night together I decided I would try spooning, I just wanted to have her near me, I'd had a rough night. She didn't say anything at the time but I think I crossed a line I did not know existed because she broke up with me days later saying I had been too touchy and she did not want to compromise. I knew she was asexual and I always had my suspicions on whether she was aromantic as well but that didn't matter to me, I loved her just the way she was :). I did everything to make it work for both of us but oh well. Anyhow,  but on the sex-repulsed side, are things like spooning or making out too much?

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Galactic Turtle

Well first of all, the way the ace community typically defines sex positive/repulsed is different from the rest of the world. The rest of the world uses these terms to describe how people feel about sex in general while in the ace community they use these terms to describe how they feel about themselves personally having sex. To the rest of the world I am sex positive because I'm all for consenting adults all over the world having the sex they want with each other. In the ace world I can be viewed as sex repulsed because I am 100% against myself having sex and I don't want to be in any sexual situations.

 

Your story doesn't seem to have much to do with attitudes about sex and has more to do with attitudes about touch. I myself am repulsed by touch and if I were to date someone and they did to me what you did to your ex I would've gotten out of there real quick. Even sharing a bed would be completely out of the question. However with every relationship I have to assume there's more than one reason for breaking up with someone. Sure they might've been averse to touch but there could've also been other reasons they just weren't feeling the relationship and thus chose to end it.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I was going to say just what @Galactic Turtle did; what you're describing is touch aversion, not sex repulsion. Chances are if you're touch averse you're also sex averse/repulsed (in the ace world at least), but they are still different. I am touch averse towards people, which is a combination of autistic sensitivities, "not swinging that way" and also it just feels unnatural, so when people do touch me it can range from "why? stop it" to "it actually feels like you're stabbing me right now get the fuck off". Spooning and making out are waaaaaaay beyond my comfort level; I've hit people and cried over hugs before.

 

That said, I agree it's rarely one thing that causes break-ups, so I suspect there was more at play than just this.

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I agree with Galactic Turtle, your story sounds more like a touch issue (which does play into sex-repulsion I think - after all, in order to have sex you have to touch in the most intimate of ways).

For myself, touch is a real personal issue. I have to know someone, who is not family, really, really well before I will let them touch me. The idea of having someone in my personal space in bed makes me really uncomfortable and that's just an imaginary scenario! And to have someone wrapping themselves around me? Uhm, claustrophobia anyone? (The only person who can get away with that is my niece). I can't even hold hands with other people without wanting to yank away from them.

 

Everyone's got their own level of comfort when it comes to touch.

 

As for how for how a sex-repulsed person feels - the idea of sex is icky. We'll not get into the more visceral things (which are a level of gross all on their own). I can't even write what I think as it's making me shy away from the subject.... 🤢

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ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø

As someone who is sex-repulsed, making out is definitely crossing a boundary. I'm not sure what spooning is and I don't want to google it.

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knittinghistorian
1 hour ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

As someone who is sex-repulsed, making out is definitely crossing a boundary. I'm not sure what spooning is and I don't want to google it.

It's not necessarily sexual: its from the image of two spoons with one sort of nesting into the curve of the other one.  It's when two people lie sideways, sort of curved against each other's bodies.  It's quite intimate, and it could be sexual partners, but could just as well be a child snuggling with a parent too.

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Seems like the main mistake you made is not actually asking her while you were attempting these new things if they were okay.  You apparently just assumed that a lack of protest served as an okay.

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I really appreciate all the comments! And thanks for being frank and not withholding any punches. I think I get what you  all mean by being touch averse, she just hadn't not shown any signs. To be honest she was more needy and clingy than me. Now I was going very slowly at trying more "intimate" touch things and as I mentioned so far everything seemed to be going great. I can understand I maybe crossed a line but it just sucks they I was judged for it very hard despite me not knowing it existed. I just wish we would have talked more about it. I did tell her that she should've told me something and that we should work through it but nothing I could say anymore changed her mind. This was my first screw up in our relationship to be honest. However, while I was always looking for ways to make it work, I later found out she was always looking for reasons why it might not.

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It sounds to me that this is mostly a problem in communication.  One thing I've learned in my relationships with men is that I need to make my boundaries really really clear.  If not, then those boundaries get inevetably and inadvertantly crossed.  My suggestion to you is to ask her to clearly define her boundaries about what she's not comfortable with, and then make sure not to cross them.  That being said, if touch is how you feel and express love, then you're going to have to be completely honest with yourself and ask if you can handle a relationship with little to no touch.  In my opinion, a relationship cannot work if only one person's needs are being met.  Even if you get back together, what might end up happening is that you'll eventually end up resenting her for not fulfilling your needs.  It's going to be very hard to make this work if her needs are no touch and your needs are lovey touch.

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On 10/18/2018 at 5:11 PM, Galactic Turtle said:

I am 100% against myself having sex

I think all of the asexual people are 100% against having sex themselves. But, not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. So, this shouldn't be the definition for sex-repulsed asexual in my opinion. 

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On 10/18/2018 at 5:31 PM, calmao said:

I really appreciate all the comments! And thanks for being frank and not withholding any punches. I think I get what you  all mean by being touch averse, she just hadn't not shown any signs. To be honest she was more needy and clingy than me. Now I was going very slowly at trying more "intimate" touch things and as I mentioned so far everything seemed to be going great. I can understand I maybe crossed a line but it just sucks they I was judged for it very hard despite me not knowing it existed. I just wish we would have talked more about it. I did tell her that she should've told me something and that we should work through it but nothing I could say anymore changed her mind. This was my first screw up in our relationship to be honest. However, while I was always looking for ways to make it work, I later found out she was always looking for reasons why it might not.

First one you know of. 

 

But... you asked if you could kiss but you didnt ask about the other stuff. When someone is uncomfortable with things you need to ask before any of it. And during check in. And after check in. Its not easy and its a pain for people used to assumed consent models but otherwise you can slip past boundaries easily. 

 

And erm, do you have a penis by chance? If so, spooning for a person that is sex repulsed holds a whole lot of anxiety inducing things. It often causes erections, which are pretty innocent cause its just the reaction of being pressed against someone, but will seem very threatening to someone who is ace (so may associate that with wanting sex) and repulsed. And even if no erection occurs, penises can be felt against you during spooning and that can be really uncomfortable if you arent OK with that. 

 

She also probably felt like the consistent increases meant sex requests would be coming soon. Which I doubt she wanted to be a thing. 

 

And to be clear you didnt do anything out of the norm. Such things are usually a go for and if not rejected its ok. But, sounds like she needs a bit more care than that. 

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Galactic Turtle
1 hour ago, whitetulips said:

I think all of the asexual people are 100% against having sex themselves. But, not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. So, this shouldn't be the definition for sex-repulsed asexual in my opinion. 

Take a look at one sex positive post and you might be shocked lol.

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Quote

I think all of the asexual people are 100% against having sex themselves.

Nope.  Some of us are willing.

 

Quote

But, not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. So, this shouldn't be the definition for sex-repulsed asexual in my opinion. 

Why not?  Being 100% against having sex sounds pretty repulsed to me.

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On 10/20/2018 at 10:18 PM, whitetulips said:

I think all of the asexual people are 100% against having sex themselves. But, not all asexuals are sex-repulsed. So, this shouldn't be the definition for sex-repulsed asexual in my opinion. 

Was that a typo, @whitetulips? The asexuals range from actually enjoying sex a lot, but just never needing it or not ever longing for the actual partnered sex, but perhaps the orgasm, the closeness/intimacy

and over more neutral grounds of being okay

to being extremely disgusted, paranoid or repulsed by the very concept.

next exciting question is how their romantic side is played.

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I'm pretty sex repulsed and would prefer to pretend we're all just humans and sex is an absolute nonthing.  I'm also a very tactile person and non-sexual touch is important to me.  It really depends on the person and the touch if it's okay.  I had a friend once lay his hand on my upper arm while saying he had to go, I was fine with that, but his finger accidentally brushed my breast, I almost came in glued and had to consciously control my reaction. Another friend, his hugs creep me out.  It all dependent on the person and the situation.

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starting over

I just read this thread (ok I skimmed a little bit too so maybe I missed something) but what I did NOT see brought up are people like me. I’m “hetero-romantic asexual sex repulsed” ... a mouthful... here’s what it means: a person (woman in my case) who would be interested in a person of the opposite gender and wants to cuddle, hold hands, light pecks (kisses)  maybe but NO SEX. As far as spooning, that’s a tricky one because personally I would love to spoon BUT the moment a penis got hard against me I would be “over it” immediately and the mood changed. The instant thought is sex is next. This is difficult because that can be a natural occurrence...but it’s how some of us feel. If my partner was asexual as well and didn’t get hard behind me, I would enjoy it. I know you’ve heard from many others as well that there and many more kinds of asexuals out there. And one of the commentators was right- there are asexuals who actually do have sex for a variety of reasons and I believe  some even enjoy it. Hope this helps show another side, as well as helps to explain why your seemingly innocent spooning could be horrible for an ace. Other people talked about touch aversion so I didn’t mention that. Don’t think all aces are the same though... we’re all a little different! Communication is key! Good luck! 

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  • 4 months later...
On 10/20/2018 at 4:54 PM, Serran said:

But... you asked if you could kiss but you didnt ask about the other stuff. When someone is uncomfortable with things you need to ask before any of it.

I asked every time because I was considerate of her situation, but at the time we were already past half a year together and so far she had been okay. Call it a slip or perhaps I had fallen into a sense of comfort. By the way she never asked, she just assumed it was okay to engage in some intimate action when she wanted.

 

On 10/20/2018 at 4:54 PM, Serran said:

If so, spooning for a person that is sex repulsed holds a whole lot of anxiety inducing things..... She also probably felt like the consistent increases meant sex requests would be coming soon.

Well I am also ace, so there were never any of those types of expectations or intentions. But if I had to guess she was sex/touch repulsed.

 

On 10/20/2018 at 4:54 PM, Serran said:

And to be clear you didnt do anything out of the norm. Such things are usually a go for and if not rejected its ok. But, sounds like she needs a bit more care than that. 

Yeah, her friends and sister told me I did nothing wrong after it ended. And yes, whenever I tried to have a proper talk about intimacy or relationship stuff she would divert the conversation so I always had to be guessing a bit. It just kinda sucks for being judged for crossing a line you didn't know existed. Especially since it was my first mess up despite her already having done multiple questionable things and me forgiving her.

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3 hours ago, calmao said:

It just kinda sucks for being judged for crossing a line you didn't know existed. Especially since it was my first mess up despite her already having done multiple questionable things and me forgiving her.

Honestly, that sounds more like her looking for an excuse to end it and less like something you did wrong.

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@ryn2 Yup, I feel that throughout that relationship I was always looking for ways to make it work while she was always vigilant for a reason to perhaps end it. Then again I am more optimistic and she was pessimistic, but I stopped losing track of the number of times she told me not to break up with her when she did something questionable. Yet the one time I asked the same in return she didn't even try to fix it and didn't even do so in person. Partly my fault for being so trusting, I often get taken advantage of.

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  • 2 months later...

As a sex-repulsed ace myself, it's a very frustrating feeling when others around me are discussing their sex lives. They'd talk about things like how much they can deep throat, how big "it" was and other things like that while I'm just sitting their awkwardly, extremely uncomfortable. I'm also uncomfortable when speakers come to health class to discuss things like sexting, safe sex, STDs, or any other sexual topic. It's not all bad, though. I know I won't have to worry about those things and neither do my parents. Since the thought of sex kinda makes me wanna kill myself, I plan on adopting at least one child instead of having my own. Not only does adopting help keep the population down, but it also gives a home to a child who really needs one. Overall, being a sex-repulsed asexual is a bit frustrating, but achievable. All I have to worry about is finding another asexual like me.

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Dreamsexual

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Dreamsexual

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Comrade F&F

@calmao It just wasn't meant to be. Have some cake.

 Related image

 

To answer your question, feeling repulsed is like feeling your skin crawl and just wanting to get out/away from that crawly feeling. When I was a teenager I was sex-repulsed and was disgusted by the very idea. Nowadays the reaction is more of a 'meh', as long as it doesn't warrant a "get a room!" reaction.

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  • 3 months later...

@calmao Hmm, sounds like she didnt state out beforehand what she was comfortable with.

 

Also I would say I'm a mix of indifferent-repulsed, honestly depends on my mood and the person in question.

 

Since I'm a very touch starved type, I love skinship, hugs, spooning, making out is fine. It's just the "actual deed of doing it" feels wrong, it makes me feel wronged in a way. It's not as an intense discomfort as it would be with fully repulsed aces.

 

Imagine wearing pants that are several sizes too small for you, and no matter what you do you cant seem to slacken them, when its finally over that sense of relief happens and you question why you would ever do such a thing to yourself.

 

Other times it feels more like an emptiness feeling, even watching paint dry would be more fun to me at that moment. I would be aware that I'm doing something "good" to make the person happy but, at the same time I would experience being detached from my body. Vaguely, aware what's happening yet, not personally feeling what's going on (almost as if it's not my body), then it's over and I have to recieve reaffirmation from the person so I know what I did was worth something, to them. Seeing, feeling the effect, the happiness I give them could maybe make it feel tolerable.

 

^--- Healthy? Probably not. It is what it it is though. This is why I prefer aces over allos. Or better yet make it a poly/open relationship.

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  • 1 year later...
On 11/2/2018 at 8:14 PM, starting over said:

I just read this thread (ok I skimmed a little bit too so maybe I missed something) but what I did NOT see brought up are people like me. I’m “hetero-romantic asexual sex repulsed” ... a mouthful... here’s what it means: a person (woman in my case) who would be interested in a person of the opposite gender and wants to cuddle, hold hands, light pecks (kisses)  maybe but NO SEX. As far as spooning, that’s a tricky one because personally I would love to spoon BUT the moment a penis got hard against me I would be “over it” immediately and the mood changed. The instant thought is sex is next. This is difficult because that can be a natural occurrence...but it’s how some of us feel. If my partner was asexual as well and didn’t get hard behind me, I would enjoy it. I know you’ve heard from many others as well that there and many more kinds of asexuals out there. And one of the commentators was right- there are asexuals who actually do have sex for a variety of reasons and I believe  some even enjoy it. Hope this helps show another side, as well as helps to explain why your seemingly innocent spooning could be horrible for an ace. Other people talked about touch aversion so I didn’t mention that. Don’t think all aces are the same though... we’re all a little different! Communication is key! Good luck! 

How you described yourself is exactly how I describe myself!! I too am okay with holding hands, hugging, cuddling and light pecks, etc. Full on making out is a turn off for me and I also find that seeing others doing it in public to be gross. That kind of PDA should be kept to private. Spooning can be okay like you mentioned, but if I feel that he is hard, I will either get out of it by saying that I am really warm or I will be the "big spoon" and spoon him so that I don't have to feel that. We are all different though and I believe that everyone should be able to do whatever they want in the privacy of their own homes, as long as no one is negatively affected.

 

I've always known that I was a little different from most others around me. I never had crushes or had any interest in dating as a teenager and I didn't understand those who did. I find some men attractive and want to spend time with them, but not in a sexual way. I can find women pretty, but I always knew that I wasn't a lesbian. It is more of a "I love her hair style and wish I could pull it off" or "her outfit is cute and I would like to recreate it". The world has changed so much since I was a child. I think that if I had heard the term "asexual" then, that it would have made things make more sense for me. To be honest, I just never thought about sex. I've never had any interest in masturbating and I have gone years between boyfriends of not having sex and it didn't bother me at all. When I used to date, I would have sex with my boyfriends, but I never got anything out of it and really only did it because they wanted to. They never forced me to or anything, I was just in a very different mind set then and since I cared about them, I had no problem having sex with them because at that time it didn't have a negative affect on me. Things are different now. After spending time figuring out what I want out of life, I realize that I am no longer just indifferent about sex, but sex repulsed. I started noticing a few years ago that I wasn't interested in having sex with boyfriends and couldn't wait for it to be over. Now I am at the point in my life where I have to put myself first and anyone I choose to be with has to respect my asexuality and that I won't have sex with them. I know that this will make it difficult for me to have relationships in the future, but I have accepted that and who I am.

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