Just a newbie over-analysing the societal expectations of romanticism (but seriously help)

[Sak of Potatoes]

So I always jokingly thought maybe I was asexual for a while, until I looked into AVEN and thought it might be a real possibility. By extension, I considered the possibility that I was perhaps aromantic, which is for the time being what I've accepted myself as. Now here's the thing: I always thought I had crushes, but in retrospect I may have been (rather strangely) chasing boys around because that's what others did and told me to do and I wanted to fit in. I now exist within a few major friend-groups: kids mostly younger than me (sports), who are for the most part straight or haven't thought about sexuality yet; my middle school friend group, many of whom are LGBT+ and are generally the outcasts or the band nerds of our school (myself included on the outcast part); and finally, the friend group in which every last one of us has had our soul sucked out from AP courses and academics (this is the group I have ended up spending the most time with). Setting aside the other two, the latter one is what bothers me the most: sure, they claim to play "smash or pass" in their heads on the street, and they have a concept and appetite for dating drama, etc., but as far as I know most of them haven't dated simply because they don't have the time to. This is indirectly the reason why I have come to this community: I couldn't ask any of them because that would imply that I had specific people in mind which I do not wish to disclose, but they are also not good for gauging my aromanticism because maybe I'm just convincing myself that I'm heteroromantic so that I don't stand out, but I could also be convincing myself that I'm aro so that I can write off the squish (or crush?) that I have so that I don't have to worry about it. Or rather, does it even matter if nobody likes me romantically anyway?

But more importantly, that squish, as I'll refer to it: this is probably the closest I've come to a real romantic attraction. Therefore, if it's a squish, I'm likely aro; if it's a crush, I'm likely heteroromantic. But I can't even tell that, because most people's definitions of squish and crush overlap with mine in different ways:

 

- Sometimes I like talking to them, sometimes I get nervous around them. But that may be a product of me being extremely incompetent with human interaction

-I can feel myself start to sweat or blush (? what does that feel like?) or my heart rate go up when I'm around them, but that happens around too many other people that it doesn't mean a whole lot

- If I ever got approached by them for a romantic relationship, I would probably freak out and either say something weird like i don't know (I've done this to a boy who asked me out as a joke), or no because I can't handle unplanned verbal conversation. Not only that, but I literally can't think of a time that we'd go out on dates, etc. as I can't drive and I don't have time. Also I don't want to tell my parents because they would have a smug "told you so" attitude (they would accept me as whatever I was, but think that I'll grow into it eventually, which is reasonable)

- I don't know what I want from them (like no idea) but I don't think I've enjoyed having or ever seriously had fantasies about dating, marrying, etc. But a lot of people's definitions of romantic attraction involve physical touch, and I am immediately repulsed by touch from almost anyone

- I look forward to them being there and I get kind of sad when they're not there, but when they're there and it's just the two of us I stand there awkwardly and not say anything

- A lot of definitions have had to do with receiving favors from them, etc., but as I've had such little interaction with them, it's useless as a marker

- I don't know how I'd react if they were in a relationship with someone else just because they're also part of the soulless AP class and I seriously can't imagine it happening (although I won't rule out the possibility)

 

So, considering all of that, my question is simple: is it a squish or a crush? I am sorry if you took the time to read all of that, I just wanted that off my chest.

[NickyTannock]

@Sak of Potatoes Welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I've never had a crush or a squish.

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

Consider this:

A squish is pretty much a strong feeling of physical attraction (getting butterflies in your stomach over a person’s looks and appearance) along with wanting to get to know them better and be around them

A crush is a strong feeling of romantic attraction (urge to date a person) along with strong admiration for the person

[Cheshire-Cat]

I can't really tell you whether it's a squish or a crush or something else. But I'd say don't worry about it. If things develop with any of these people they will, and just see how it goes. There's so much pressure to put a label on who you are but you're a person not a tick box.

[Sak of Potatoes]

3 minutes ago, Cheshire-Cat said:

I can't really tell you whether it's a squish or a crush or something else. But I'd say don't worry about it. If things develop with any of these people they will, and just see how it goes. There's so much pressure to put a label on who you are but you're a person not a tick box.

That helps, thank you!

[no-longer-in-use]

I agree with @Cheshire-Cat and I'd like to add that the main difference between a squish and a crush is that a crush has romantic desires at heart, where a squish has platonic ones. Crushes I've had have included romantic fantasies and a strong desire to date the crush, whereas my squishes are more like "I really want to hang out with this person, but dating them would just be weird". Maybe try thinking about it like that? I wish you the best of luck in figuring it out.

[Tunes]

You don't necessarily have to want to date them in order for it to be a crush. I've had plenty of crushes who, for one reason or another, I was not interested in dating. I suppose I could always imagine a situation in which I would be willing to do so (unlike the people that I would classify as squishes - who I really (intensely) wanted to be friends with, but nothing else). So I suppose there was a subconscious inherent desire for dating - or something that feels similar. But that's the thing - the way I tell the difference between a crush and a squish is by the way it feels - romantic attraction just feels different. But that doesn't help people who are not sure which one they are feeling. 

 

So, at it's core, I suppose romantic attraction is an innate desire for interactions of a romantic nature. But since there is no visible action that will always be taken as romantic, everyone who has romantic feelings would want, and could never be interpreted by anyone as platonic, it's really hard to find any certain way to point it out. I would generally recommend that you think of interactions that you would find acceptable for really close friends to have (platonic) and interactions that you think would be weird for friends to do together no matter how close they were (nonplatonic) and see if there are any interactions that you consider nonplatonic that you would like to do with this person. If so, it's probably romantic (a crush) and if not, it's probably platonic (a squish). 

[mausgrau]

Seems to me, you're trying to put your situation into a larger context (of romance, and what romance as such means to you, and what it means to "society" etc.), and all this apparently stresses you out quite a bit.

 

But: Don't forget, you also seem to have found someone that you like a great deal. It's perfectly alright to lean back a while and just enjoy their company, entirely in the moment. Thinking is fine, really. But also try and test out what feels right to you, moment to moment. And, you know, have fun together with this person you're obviously fond of!

 

 

By the by, I absolutely love your nom de pixel, @Sak of Potatoes! 😄👍

[Vara]

I went through simmilar stuff as a kid, my 'solution' was to justkeep going with the relationships (friendships, acquaintances or whatever) and eventually things, for me, tended to...well my feelings didn't so much change but the relationships tended to dissipate. And with decreased contact my emotions did fade off.

 

Mostly I want to reassure you that there is no actual 'need' to sort yourself out with terms and fences. I started out thinking I was def Romantic-Asexual but now, with more time to grow accustomed to the idea that I'm 'Asexual' and what that means in terms of learning about the larger Ace Community I feel more comfortable with the idea that I'm Aromantic.

Who you are will tell you which terms apply to you.

 

I started this reply, though, to tell you that I think you are super awesome!!

 

Your mind is so active and clever and fun to see working. I really love (admire, not emotional and certainly not sexual lol) how systematicly you work and how you gave a larger context for the central point. hehe Whatever box you fit into--you're an awesome person.

[Galactic Turtle]

It sounds like you're in high school which I think is typically when lots of people start to figure things out. All of my friends from high school are straight but some started dating in middle school while others didn't start dating until after college because everyone moves at their own pace.

 

It personally sounds like a crush to me but you don't have to figure out everything right now. I have a friend who gets crushes all the time but she's so awkward around people and overthinks everything in general so the crush never develops further because in the off chance she manages to actually speaks to them she'll blurt something random and run away. XD

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

14 hours ago, Star Lion said:

Consider this:

A squish is pretty much a strong feeling of physical attraction (getting butterflies in your stomach over a person’s looks and appearance) along with wanting to get to know them better and be around them

A crush is a strong feeling of romantic attraction (urge to date a person) along with strong admiration for the person

'Squish' is supposed to be the platonic version of a crush. 'I really want to be good friends with them', etc.

[Sak of Potatoes]

11 hours ago, Vara said:

I went through simmilar stuff as a kid, my 'solution' was to justkeep going with the relationships (friendships, acquaintances or whatever) and eventually things, for me, tended to...well my feelings didn't so much change but the relationships tended to dissipate. And with decreased contact my emotions did fade off.

 

Mostly I want to reassure you that there is no actual 'need' to sort yourself out with terms and fences. I started out thinking I was def Romantic-Asexual but now, with more time to grow accustomed to the idea that I'm 'Asexual' and what that means in terms of learning about the larger Ace Community I feel more comfortable with the idea that I'm Aromantic.

Who you are will tell you which terms apply to you.

 

I started this reply, though, to tell you that I think you are super awesome!!

 

Your mind is so active and clever and fun to see working. I really love (admire, not emotional and certainly not sexual lol) how systematicly you work and how you gave a larger context for the central point. hehe Whatever box you fit into--you're an awesome person.

Oh, thank you so much! I guess it'd be good to not rush into anything then.