Sexual girlfriend looking for help with asexual girlfriend

[Just a Dork]

Hi, thank you for looking here. To start off, a few things about me: I’m new here, and have never done this. I’m a person who very much enjoys giving/recieving affection. I am in my very first relationship. This post won’t be about sex.

My girlfriend is asexual, and really doesn’t like affection or people really having physical contact with her whatsoever. I, on the other hand, love affection. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, or make her uncomfortable, or make her feel bad, or upset her. I don’t even know how to bring this up. I feel terrible that I even want affection from her, like it’s completely unacceptable and outrageous. She doesn’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Please, I need advice and help on this. 

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

[Duke Memphis]

Don't feel bad that you want to show affection. Affection can be a great thing to have, but if she doesn't really like affection, then you should talk to her about bridging that gap and stating your personal limits. As people say about relationships, communication is key.

[Epitaph]

A hallmark of good relationship is communication. If you're going to start anywhere, your safest bet is by actually talking to your pal about it.

 

I want to point out something important as well. This is a matter opinion on my part so take it with a grain of salt. Asexuality is still a pretty hazy field that is largely undefined. The only core aspect of it first and foremost revolves around sex, or lack of wanting or needing it. As for affection, I'd warrant caution on grouping it in directly with asexuality. People and their need for affection touches onto many levels and aspects beyond sexuality.

 

Anyway, onto more conductive things. You're trying to find a way to talk to your friend about the lack of affection without stepping on any landmine triggers. Your best bet is to simply state this. Tell her you have something important that you'd like to talk to her about. Before you talk about anything else after that, tell her firstly that you don't mean anything bad towards her at all by what you're going to say. You just want to make her aware of the situation. And then tell her how it is with you.

 

No relationship survives without clear communication. But after that, comes the tricky part. See, when you start talking to your friend, you're opening up a bit of a doorway, and we don't really have any idea what's behind it until your friend talks back to you. If you do sit down and talk to your friend, I encourage but do not ask that you come back here and tell us about how it went. Then we can look at where to go from there. But as I said, it's a doorway. You and your friend might talk with each other and decide that you know where to go from there. If that's the case, best of luck to you doc. Hope things go well.

[Chouko]

My partner and I actually are in a similar boat, in that affection can be a less fun experience for them, but I need tactile contact and the verbal equivalent of maple syrup to live tbh.

 

As everyone else here says, you need to talk to her about it. Yes, you will likely feel as though you're pushing a boundary, you might even be doing so. But you need to make it clear what you both need. If you don't, then you could end up feeling neglected, and your girlfriend isn't going to want you to feel that way, just as much as you hate feeling that way. But make it clear you're not upset with her for needing boundaries, or anything of that nature. Explain that want to talk it out so you don't make a mistake by pushing too hard while still meeting what you need.

 

While it may take some trial and error, find out what is okay for you to do or say to her, and ask what she'd be comfortable doing or saying to you. You might not know just yet, but you'll have a general idea, and never be afraid to speak up if it's not enough, or if it's too much, in her case. And when in doubt, just ask first. 

 

Essentially, find out what's okay and what's pushing a boundary. Figure out if there's a difference between moods, if you need more or she needs less when you're sad, or happy, or the like. You might not get what you want all the time, but that's fine, since she'll make sacrifices too.

 

This will probably be hard for you, especially if this is your first relationship. But there is no problem in discussing something, even if the topic feels like it should be a complaint. As long as you both remain relatively calm, the conversation will pass by easier than you may think. 

 

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Just a Dork

It’s a common-place beginning, but, yeah, communication is essential. Without it you can’t experiment and search for some middle ground that you both enjoy or at least feel OK with.

However, since you say it’s your first relationship, I must warn you that mixed-sexuality relationships are crazy-difficult to navigate. The problem is that even with a whole lot of experience people generally tend to neglect their own or their partner’s needs – it’s just the easiest way while finding a mutually enjoyable solution, if at all possible, demands everyday work. However, shutting down you own needs isn’t the way to achieve happiness in the couple.

If you’re adamant about making this relationship work, then you might need professional help (counselling) or to learn communicative psychology by yourself through books, videos and a lot of trial and error.

Good luck!

[Lara Black]

Addition: I myself am in a happy mixed-sexuality relationship, so feel free to PM if you want to ask something or just chat.

 

[MrDane]

I can only recommend listening to @Lara Black. I just want to add something. I have read tons of stuff about “how-to-be-a-good-partner” ,”save your marriage”, “discover love again” and that kind. Usually not filled with good advice for a mixed relationship. I guess a councellor can be a good idea, but unfortunately a lot is focused on getting more sex/intimacy on the road. This is not the best if one partner is aromantic, sex repulsed, introvert, asexual. Focus should be on communicating and getting needs met and finding solutions and getting the message across.

I used to hug my wife everyday and tell her how much I loved her/missed her/wanted her. Kiss her and sit myself close to her. Tell her, how I looked forward to our next date. Turned out to be pretty much a bad approach. To her, it was stressfull. Today I keep more of a distance.