I stop feeling attracted

[warren88]

Hey guys, I was hoping I could get opinions on something I'm very confused about. 

I'm a hetero girl, early twenties. I've only ever had one boyfriend, when I was 16. That didn't last long and we never did more than kiss. 

I find myself extremely attracted to the idea of sex but whenever it becomes even a possibility, I get completely turned off by the idea. For example, I could find myself very attracted to a man, but once I feel as though we could realistically date, I no longer find him attractive. And it's not just disinterest, it's a feeling of dread. 

I feel as though I'm only afraid of sex, but I'm not sure. 

Is it possible that I could like the idea of sex but not the reality? Would that be a fear or my orientation? 

It's not just about romance, because casual hook ups are repulsive to me once they move beyond fantasy. 

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@warren88 Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have !

 

Your experiences sound like thy could be in line with lithsexuality.

[Ceebs]

Sounds like something that may be worth exploring with someone like a therapist. No, I'm not trying to be condescending or flippant. Fears can be overcome. I'm not saying you are or aren't asexual, but maybe someone else can help you sort out where the dread and repulsion are coming from.

[Tunes]

It is possible to be sexual (experience sexual attraction) and sex repulsed (repulsed by the idea of having sex) at the same time. This is most common in people who have some sort of repulsion pushed on them (through religious indoctrination or sexual abuse or so forth). Not saying that this is the case with you, personally, but this is how I am interpreting what you have described. If this is the case, I would agree with @CBC that it might be a good idea to talk with a therapist. If possible, try to find one that is familiar with asexuality, just in case. 

[letusdeleteouraccounts]

It sounds to me like you’re lithosexual/lithsexual. It’s an ace spectrum term that falls under the gray asexual umbrella. It’s when the person experiences sexual attraction to a person but is likely to lose it when the person experiences the attraction back

[Starlit Sky]

At this point in my experience, both lithosexuality and fraysexuality seem to be fully able to be chalked up to having deep, deep, deep seated fears that revolve around relationships and / or sex. I used to ID as fray, but after I went through some experiences, and having talked to several other people who called themselves either fraysexual or frayromantic, I have a lot of reason to believe that "fraysexuality" is not a sexuality at all (and at this point, I'm skeptical of lithosexuality, too . . .). Having said that, I'm not intending to tell ANYONE what they are or are not, and if anyone has any questions or comments about this, feel free to PM me.

 

Anywho, OP, this is a prime example of having some sort of negative feelings about relationships. Maybe it's that you're afraid of being boxed in, maybe it's a safety issue--what were your parents' / guardians' relationship(s) like? For me and many--but not all--others who identified as fraysexual / romantic (and those who ID as lith, it seems), we were able to find our root cause at how our parents treated their partners. I myself felt that being in a relationship was a dangerous thing, and so I had a lot of guards up. There are others who are afraid that they won't be able to be their true selves in relationships . . . I mean, I honestly cannot tell you all of the possible reasons this sort of thing can be from.

 

The most important thing for you to note is that it CAN be worked through. If you're able and willing to go to a therapist, I'd suggest it, but you don't need to. I didn't, and I've now been in a healthy relationship for over a year now. It all starts with pin-pointing the reason (or reasons) you find being in a relationship is something to be dreaded. X

[Epitaph]

The only thing I can comment on is from a psychological perspective. I advise you that I'm not a doctor by any means, just a reader of books.

 

The feeling of dread to me seems to spell everything out right there. I know that for both men and women, the prospect of sex for the first time can be a very daunting thing. For some people, it's due to their level of privacy. Sex is traditionally an intimate thing. In being exposed to somebody in that state, you're 100% vulnerable. If you have low self esteem and low body image, the idea of sex shoots your anxiety through the roof. And for other people, it's being scared of the performance. Not knowing what to do. If you've never had sex before, but you have a partner who has, then right from the get go you feel like you're going to fail something.

 

And don't get me started on bad sexual experiences. That's also an issue in today's world. It's just about a fact at this point. A lot of people straight up don't know what proper sex is. (Really, there's no proper way, but hear me out). Sex is an exchange. And heaping boatloads of guys don't know this. They just approach it as follows; "Okay I've had my fun time for sleep now bye." Or if you're new to sex, sometimes you get somebody who has zero consideration for your boundaries even though you're new to it. Having somebody go from zero to one hundred when you're new can be uncomfortable as all hell. So really, for somebody who's new to sex, it can be not just daunting, but actually frightening. Honestly, I think it's the fear of the unknown that's putting the brakes on for you. 

 

And if it isn't that, then it's something else going on in your noggin. If you're comfortable with it, I can be a discount doctor for you by asking some questions. But by no means is this something you have to take me up on. I simply think the more questions that we ask on this, the more we can find. Information helps in these things, you know? I won't ask anything confidential, just more things to try and build a base to work off of.

[TheAP]

If this is causing you distress and you want to be able to have a sexual relationship, it could be worth working through. But also remember, there's nothing wrong with not wanting sex with another person, no matter what.