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The Wrong Kind Of Queer...


Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep

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Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep

So, I've never really cared about my sexual identity. I figured that I was straight, cause it's the default. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am asexual. And that was a trip. I spent days struggling with it and google became my best friend.

 

I told my little brother almost immediately after, because I could trust him. He didn't care (in a supportive way), which allowed me to gain enough confidence to tell my mom. Who promptly told me that I had no idea what I was talking about, and that it's just cause I'm depressed. And a virgin. A depressed virgin who hadn't yet discovered the wonders of sexual activity. 

 

She's not homophobic, if I had told her I was a lesbian she would of been overjoyed and accepting. She would of defended me against any number of detractors, with all of the power and strength that single mothers possess. But apparently I'm not the right kind of queer. 

 

I love my mom, love her to death, and there's a reason I told her rather then my dad. But I don't know if this is something I can get over so easily. There's nothing more depressing then realizing your main pillar of support comes with conditions. 

 

So now I'm at a loss. Should I keep bringing it up? Force feeding her facts and parading it in front of her face until she has no choice but to acknowledge my sexuality or lack there of? Or should I give up and move on without her, the one person who I've always been able to count on?

 

 

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep." - Robert Frost

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You could make a pretty good argument for both sides, but personally I believe that if your mother can not accept your sexuality that it is her problem that you do not need to concern yourself with. I'd like to remind you that coming out is a step to accepting who you are, not getting society to accept who you are (though that would be completely fabulous) and I'd like to congratulate you on having the courage to come out to her, your brother, and your friend. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman and I feel that if she doesn't accept you now, she will later.

 

This is just my opinion though, I am still learning about myself, and I am still learning how to be apart of the lgbtq+ community.

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Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep
9 minutes ago, Marley said:

You could make a pretty good argument for both sides, but personally I believe that if your mother can not accept your sexuality that it is her problem that you do not need to concern yourself with. I'd like to remind you that coming out is a step to accepting who you are, not getting society to accept who you are (though that would be completely fabulous) and I'd like to congratulate you on having the courage to come out to her, your brother, and your friend. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman and I feel that if she doesn't accept you now, she will later.

 

This is just my opinion though, I am still learning about myself, and I am still learning how to be apart of the lgbtq+ community.

Thanks for the advice and the support. I was leaning more towards a wait and see approach while still staying firm about who I am. But I've only just discovered my sexuality and I'm not even 100% sure what categories I fall into or what it means for the future. I'm pretty sure her problem is that she thinks asexuality means no relationships ever. I'm not the kind of person who functions well alone, and she knows it. I don't know how to explain to her how asexual romantic relationships would work, because I'm not even sure how they do. My mom's really overbearing (we're similar that way), and I don't want her to smush these growing feelings because she thinks she knows whats best for me.

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@Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep Hey! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰! Lovely quote! I presume you envision that quote relating to your situation with your mom?

 

You know, I once had a friend tell me I was lying when I came out to him as ace. He said he thought I was lying. At my grandparents' house, I mentioned that I was ace and my mom and grandparents started to debate me. My grandpa said, "You never know what the future holds." My mom said, "...WHEN (not IF) you get a girlfriend." My grandma said I would live with a wife and have six children by the time I was their age and that was after saying that I envision myself alone when I'm their age. I wouldn't let it get to you. I believe it's human nature not to understand things we don't experience (or things lesser-known in general). I'm sure she was well-intended, just like I believe my mom and grandparents were (I'm not so sure about my friend, though. I wouldn't say he was mal-intended, though. He was probably just being blunt based on what he knew.) Also, I wouldn't force information at her. I'd let her be and remember that not everyone has the same understanding of it as you. If she's open to learn, teach her. If not, I wouldn't waste my energy on it.

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Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep

@The Angel of Eternity and @Marley

Thanks for the advice and the welcome! I think you're both right. Trying to force info on her would probably just lead to confrontation. I'll stay true to myself, and the people who love me for me will stay by my side no matter. My little brother (who is honestly a cinnamon roll, too pure for this world) already accepts me (and don't tell anyone but he's my favorite anyway). I know who I am. Somewhat. I can reach my goals and be happy without her approval or acceptance, because I'm every bit as strong and independent as she taught me to be.

 

P.S. Yes that quote does apply to the situation! Asexuality as a whole is new to me, freeing and confusing, "lovely, dark and deep". I've made promises to myself to be who I am and to my mom to live my best life. I've only just started this journey and I've got "miles to go" before I'm where I want to be. 

P.P.S Robert Frost is a favorite poet of mine. I grew up in New England, not too far from where he lived (when he was alive).

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My mother didnt accept me being asexual she dragged me around to numerous doctors to tell me it didnt exist and that i just needed to see sex therapist and id be fixed.

 

I moved on. People really close to me know or if asked directly what my sexuality ill answer. Generally most people dont know as i dont bother telling people, i wear my ring and if asked i answer but yea i just go on. It wasnt worth the hassle with my mother.

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm out as Asexual to my friends and online, but not to my family, who are conservative to the point of scoffing at the LGBTQ+ community.

If you want to keep trying, you can show her this, http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/

Or even this short book that's free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

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Miles_2_Go_B4_I_Sleep

@MichaelTannock

Thanks for the link! And that cake is gorgeous.... and making me hungry.

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