Vberth Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 I guess I should have posted here first. My wife came out to me last night. I don’t know who it was harder for. My first reaction was “huh, I guess that makes sense “ or something like that. Then I fell apart. I posted about it in relationships so I won’t go into it here. I’m bisexual and for me bi means at least but not limited to two genders. I’m not hyper sexual but I think sex is important to me. I don’t think intentional celibacy is something I could do and be happy. Of course my wife if the person I am most attracted to. Every inch of her. I’m not exaggerating. She just came out to me. None of our friends know but I’m going to need to confide in someone eventually. My therapist yes but that’s not a real relationship. I’m interested in how people make this work. Do you do things that feel like sex for one person but not to the other? Do you have sex outside the marriage? Does one person just go without their needs being met? help please Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 @Vberth Welcome to AVEN! I wish I had advice for you, but I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Knight of Cydonia Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 7 hours ago, Vberth said: My therapist yes but that’s not a real relationship. I'm not sure if you or your therapist said that it's not a "real relationship", but this is a pretty harmful idea to have. Edit: I misunderstood this line 7 hours ago, Vberth said: I’m not hyper sexual but I think sex is important to me. I don’t think intentional celibacy is something I could do and be happy. This is a totally understandable and reasonable desire. I hope that you don't feel guilty about wanting sex - you're a sexual person, and celibacy doesn't work for everything, no matter how much you are attracted to the other person. I would talk to your wife about options. Communication is really important. You might find out that she's sex repulsed, or you might find out that she's sex neutral, OR, you might even find out that while she isn't sexually attracted to you, she actually can enjoy sex. I'm not sure if you've had this conversation with her yet, but it's an important one to have. When you talk with her, express that sex is important to you, but also recognize that she doesn't feel the same way. So, I would propose a compromise. I'm an asexual in a sexual relationship that's been going strong for over 4 years now. I'm mostly sex neutral, a bit sex repulsed, but the rest of the relationship is worth it for me to compromise every now and then. My partner sacrifices his "needs" by getting far less sex out of the relationship than if he was in a regular sexual/sexual relationship, but since I understand that he has desires and it's important to him, it's also important for me to sacrifice my own "needs" too. Hence, the compromise. It works for us. Again, the rest of the relationship is very fulfilling in its own way. He also has actually expressed how he's kind of relieved I'm asexual, as it takes a lot of pressure off of him to, well, do a good job. Some couples are alright with the sexual seeking sex outside of the relationship, and personally I'd not be alright with this, but maybe that could be an option too. Ultimately you'll have to find out what you are both comfortable with, but just remember that it's okay if you aren't okay with no sex if it comes to that. It's not something to feel guilty about. Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Welcome! There are a lot of options, and it honestly just boils down to talking about what you want to do next. You could try to find a compromise, or schedule some things. You could also try out sex toys, there are plenty of..uh.. devices that can be used both alone and as a couple, so you could try seeing if that level of intimacy is possible without them having to involve their own parts whilst still giving you the pleasure that you need. If all else fails you could try swinging, which is a consensual agreement that you can get your “needs” dealt with elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 16, 2018 Author Share Posted October 16, 2018 3 hours ago, MichaelTannock said: @Vberth Welcome to AVEN! I wish I had advice for you, but I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship. I'm sorry. I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to understand. I tell myself it would be easier if she was gay but that’s another lie I’m telling myself. The plain truth is I want her to desire me the way I do her. That’s never going to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 @Vberth Perhaps this will help? http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ It's a short book about Asexuality that's free to read online. Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 1 hour ago, MichaelTannock said: @Vberth Perhaps this will help? http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ It's a short book about Asexuality that's free to read online. Thanks ive actually read it before. I’m a drug and alcohol counselor and I had a client who was asexual. Is it okay to say Ace? Or is that something where you have to be one to say it? I just talked to my wife about this site. She was interested in sexual compromise. To me the term sounds so unsexy. But the term made sense to her Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 It's okay to call us Ace without being Asexual yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 5 hours ago, Knight of Cydonia said: I'm not sure if you or your therapist said that it's not a "real relationship", but this is a pretty harmful idea to have. This is a totally understandable and reasonable desire. I hope that you don't feel guilty about wanting sex - you're a sexual person, and celibacy doesn't work for everything, no matter how much you are attracted to the other person. I would talk to your wife about options. Communication is really important. You might find out that she's sex repulsed, or you might find out that she's sex neutral, OR, you might even find out that while she isn't sexually attracted to you, she actually can enjoy sex. I'm not sure if you've had this conversation with her yet, but it's an important one to have. When you talk with her, express that sex is important to you, but also recognize that she doesn't feel the same way. So, I would propose a compromise. I'm an asexual in a sexual relationship that's been going strong for over 4 years now. I'm mostly sex neutral, a bit sex repulsed, but the rest of the relationship is worth it for me to compromise every now and then. My partner sacrifices his "needs" by getting far less sex out of the relationship than if he was in a regular sexual/sexual relationship, but since I understand that he has desires and it's important to him, it's also important for me to sacrifice my own "needs" too. Hence, the compromise. It works for us. Again, the rest of the relationship is very fulfilling in its own way. He also has actually expressed how he's kind of relieved I'm asexual, as it takes a lot of pressure off of him to, well, do a good job. Some couples are alright with the sexual seeking sex outside of the relationship, and personally I'd not be alright with this, but maybe that could be an option too. Ultimately you'll have to find out what you are both comfortable with, but just remember that it's okay if you aren't okay with no sex if it comes to that. It's not something to feel guilty about. The thing about the therapist. Yes The relationship with my therapist is a real relationship but I work in the mental health field and I’m aware of the limitations of the therapeutic relationship. The limitations are necessary but if you need to go beyond them you need a friend not a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 9 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said: It's okay to call us Ace without being Asexual yourself. It’s a nice word Ace. Kind of empowering Link to post Share on other sites
Knight of Cydonia Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Vberth said: The thing about the therapist. Yes The relationship with my therapist is a real relationship but I work in the mental health field and I’m aware of the limitations of the therapeutic relationship. The limitations are necessary but if you need to go beyond them you need a friend not a therapist. Ahh, I misunderstood your original post! I thought your therapist had said to you that being in a relationship with an asexual wasn't a real relationship. My bad. I think now what you meant was that your relationship with a therapist isn't quite like a relationship with a friend you can express your feelings to? In that case - ignore my comment, it was just a misunderstanding. Nothing harmful about what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
Knight of Cydonia Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 4 hours ago, Vberth said: I’m sorry it’s so hard for me to understand. I tell myself it would be easier if she was gay but that’s another lie I’m telling myself. The plain truth is I want her to desire me the way I do her. That’s never going to happen. You could try to focus on the aspects of your relationship that she does desire. The romantic and emotional side of things are I assume clearly important to her, since she's with you, and you're that one special person in the world who fulfills that for her! I know it's not the same though. My partner sometimes says that me not commenting on his desirability makes him a bit self-conscious sometimes... he knows it's because I'm physically unable to feel attracted to him and it's nothing to do with anything he's doing or how he looks, but it still is something he can't help but think about and miss. So I know how it can hurt. Again, I would just say to try and focus on the parts of your relationship that she does want you for, why she's with you, because they do exist, and to her, they mean a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 Thanks everyone both sexual and asexual. Part of my panic was that my wife came out to me and then left on a week long trip the next day (had been planned for months) so while I was able to respond supportively at first I had no one to talk to when the panic hit me. She is out as pansexual in the LGBTQ community of which we are a part. I suppose if she comes out to our friends that will be revised to panromantic. The point is I had no one ITRW to with whom to process this. We we talked on the phone and she agreed to go back to marriage counseling with me. I told her about the concept of sexual compromise (as unsexy as it sounds to me) and it made sense to her. She isn’t doing this to me. This is who she is. In high school science I remember the concept of tasters and non tasters. There’s a gene that the allows some people to taste a certain chemical and if you don’t have it you can’t taste it. To non tasters the tasters may seem delusional and to tasters it may seem like the non tasters are lying. But it’s just a different way to experience the world. I love her so much. This might be better for us in the end Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Hey and welcome Thank you for signing up and telling us a bit about yourself! I can see how learning something fundamental about your partner like that can be upsetting. Coming here is a good idea! We do have quite a few members on here who live in what we call "mixed relationships", where one of the partners is asexual (or somewhat close to that). You might want to join us in For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies to read about other people's experiences and how they deal with the consequences. If you want to have a look at the opposite side of the equation, Asexual Relationships is the place to be! There are lots of friendly and understanding folks on here and I'm sure that they can provide some vital insight on things. Does your wife know about AVEN? I see you already started exploring, so I'm just going to leave some cake at the front door for you Link to post Share on other sites
Vberth Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Homer said: Hey and welcome Thank you for signing up and telling us a bit about yourself! I can see how learning something fundamental about your partner like that can be upsetting. Coming here is a good idea! We do have quite a few members on here who live in what we call "mixed relationships", where one of the partners is asexual (or somewhat close to that). You might want to join us in For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies to read about other people's experiences and how they deal with the consequences. If you want to have a look at the opposite side of the equation, Asexual Relationships is the place to be! There are lots of friendly and understanding folks on here and I'm sure that they can provide some vital insight on things. Does your wife know about AVEN? I see you already started exploring, so I'm just going to leave some cake at the front door for you Some one will have to explain this cake thing to me Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 It's cake! Grab as much as you can and run Seriously though, the back story is here Link to post Share on other sites
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