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Am I asexual? Am I repressing homosexual feelings?


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I’m kind of confused right now about my sexuality and I don’t know why, because for the longest time I’ve been sure I was a demisexual. When I was younger I had a lot of feelings that I don’t really understand even now. I never wanted to be with anyone but at the same time I was drawn to nurturing woman like my teachers and stuff like that. I know it wasn’t in a sexual way because I was just a little girl. I never had a crush or anything on these woman, like I just had like...positive feelings, I guess like just a comforted feeling. I’ve always had female friends and never wanted to do anything sexual with them growing up, I thought “crushes” were just like positive feelings for someone as opposed to wanting to do physical things with them. I find all sorts of people aesthetically attractive but can’t really see myself having sex with any stranger at all.  When I was in high school I had this best friend who I fell in love with, and only when I fell in love with him did I want to do sexual things. I remember the night he and I professed our love for each other I had such deep feelings of sexual arousal and wanted to do romantic things with him as well as sexual. I had a lot of breakdowns up until then because people always said it was either one or the other, you weren’t allowed to just...like nobody until suddenly you loved somebody. I have to admit I am worried about the whole sexual repression thing because sometimes I do blush around women or feel like women are pretty. The blushing comes from my initial meeting with them and not wanting them to think I am gay. But that is also because in childhood my mom would in a lot of ways would just assume I was a lesbian because I didn’t show any interest in anyone, and never looked at things from a sexual perspective. I do remember now that when I was little I’d play a lot of video games and they were sort of sexual and I’d feel like ...good...playing them, but that was more of a “I know I’m not supposed to be doing this and it’s more mature for my age”. Like it was an excitement out of rebellion not sexual wanting to do those things.  I didn’t look at things from a romantic or sexual standpoint I just did what felt right to me obviously as kids do, and being interested in nobody seemed to be my thing. So that’s why I’m so afraid of it being sexual repression and not asexuality because I’ve known myself this way my whole life, I thought I had figured it out, I don’t enjoy the idea of sex with women not out of shame or anything just out of not really feeling like I wanted sex in general, until I’m really deeply in an emotional bond with anyone. This has been my whole life, and it’s happened three times to me. (I just started another relationship so hopefully this will be the fourth). It takes me years to form these bonds with men and actually feel physically aroused and attracted. I just get so panicked not even thinking about liking women because as a demisexual I believe that would be a possibility anyway, like if I had a deep emotional bond with a woman it could possibly lead to me thinking about her sexually I guess...it’s just never happened to me with any of my friends up until this point. 

 

I remember when I was in college I went to a party and stood in the middle and found not one person attractive, I felt this sense of knowing who I was completely. I’m going to therapy on Friday and I’d hate for her to say my sexuality doesn’t exist or is a product of sexual repression. Of course thinking back now I can say that I had positive feelings for women in my childhood but I can’t say the positive feelings were romantic or sexual or just, positive comforting feelings. The feelings were definitely not anything I’ve felt for the men I’ve loved so I guess that should just tell me it was just a comforting feeling. 

 

I just want to know im not going to go to therapy and told that I am making things up in order to shield myself from being gay or bi or whatever else, when I’ve felt like I’ve known myself for at least ten years of my life. 

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@SodaPoppy Welcome to AVEN!

 

From what I've read, not a lot of Therapists are aware of Asexuality, so you may be told your sexuality isn't real even if it is.
And therefore shouldn't worry about being told that.

 

As for your feelings towards other women, there are more kinds of attraction besides Sexual or Romantic, and it sounds like it's neither of those, so I don't think you should worry about that either.

 

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Thank you for the cake! 

Ive been looking at this site for quite some time because I just felt like so much of what was being said related to me. But I also have been aroused by men who I was friends with for years and find comfort in the romantic nature of relationships so much. I have gotten and given oral sex and think both are “fun” but, it seems the intimacy of the situation is what makes me feel that way rather than the actual sexual nature. I  will do these things in the moment for my partner but don’t feel the urge to do so on my own. I think the sex part is the only part that has kind of freaked me out but the more I do sexual things the more I’m okay with them with that particular partner. For example when my boyfriend holds my hand or cuddles next to me that to me is much more fulfilling than sex. 

 

Im going to therapy because of my relationship, we recently had sex and although it was fun I didn’t feel that intimacy yet. I feel like I am going to need a lot more time for our romantic bond to form, and he said he would wait as long as it takes, but my anxiety keeps me at ends with myself. So I’m going to therapy to try to find some coping mechanisms for the anxiety that constantly nag me about being selfish.  If I explained the situation to him and he is willing to give me more time, I think that it is okay for us to continue seeing each other. But apparently my anxiety does not and wants fast results now, which actually has been messing up our bond. 

 

In the past with male friends who I had romantic bonds with, it was easy for me to see sex with them but I never actively craved it as anything more than a bonding experience where we both got to experience pleasure.  I have a lot of anxiety and OCD issues so when something is my head it’s hard to get it out, hence the whole “suppression” thing because I read one article stating that demisexuals are just suppressed gay people. It worries me that if I enjoy the general stimulation of oral sex as something that connects me with my boyfriend as a bonding experience, then I’m somehow actually gay. I know it makes no sense really because it’s a man who I love doing that stuff to me and I do it back to him and enjoy it just as much, my anxiety sometimes just makes me so confused.

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Yes, I have heard there was some people with OCD who had intrusive thoughts contrary to their reality.  I'm sure it is confusing and annoying.

 

Demisexuals are not repressed gay people.

 

I wish you all the best!  :)

 

Lucinda

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 hour ago, SodaPoppy said:

it seems the intimacy of the situation is what makes me feel that way rather than the actual sexual nature

To offer an alternative view, there are many sexuals out there who are only or mainly interested in sex for this reason.

 

4 hours ago, SodaPoppy said:

I find all sorts of people aesthetically attractive but can’t really see myself having sex with any stranger at all.

This is also common, many sexuals need a connection before they're interested in sex.

 

4 hours ago, SodaPoppy said:

When I was in high school I had this best friend who I fell in love with, and only when I fell in love with him did I want to do sexual things. I remember the night he and I professed our love for each other I had such deep feelings of sexual arousal and wanted to do romantic things with him as well as sexual.

This is sexual behaviour. It is the desiring of sex with someone at some point and under some circumstances that makes someone sexual, not whether they "look at people and get horny" (that is a very teenage male phenomenon, generally).

 

Now, I can't tell you whether you're gay or not, but if you don't have these feelings towards the same gender I would say you are not. I wouldn't say you were asexual though either.

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42 minutes ago, SodaPoppy said:

Yes I’m aware! Sorry if I came off as rude, I was just saying what I read online but I don’t believe that is true. 

 

 

No, you didn't come off as rude to me!  :)

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1 hour ago, Anthraxite_Vampreza said:

To offer an alternative view, there are many sexuals out there who are only or mainly interested in sex for this reason.

 

This is also common, many sexuals need a connection before they're interested in sex.

 

This is sexual behaviour. It is the desiring of sex with someone at some point and under some circumstances that makes someone sexual, not whether they "look at people and get horny" (that is a very teenage male phenomenon, generally).

 

Now, I can't tell you whether you're gay or not, but if you don't have these feelings towards the same gender I would say you are not. I wouldn't say you were asexual though either.

 

I don't think I'm asexual, sorry about the name of the post that was what I was getting at. I feel more demisexual and always have related to that since I have heard it. Sorry about the confusion. I understand I did have a desire for sex, with this man who I had built a friendship and bond with before that. I don't know if intimacy was the word. Is intimacy just strengthening the romantic bond? If so then I guess that's what I'm saying. I don't like sex if it's just...sex. There has to be some sort of more romantic purpose. But I guess you're right, I didn't mean to sound like I was trying to over complicate.

 

Yes, I've never "desired" to have sex with anyone but about a handful of men in my life. Because of the OCD and anxiety sometimes my brain goes into overdrive and if I'm by myself a woman will just pop up in there, and I'll already have been aroused so it's tough to tell if I actually have an a desire, intrusive thoughts are a lot to dissect. But, I've never just seen a woman and thought she was sexually attractive, or even over time thought she was sexually attractive. So I guess that answers that question, sorry!

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