Anxiety of feeling not good enough for an heterosexual partner because of past experiences

[AkemiM]

Hi, 

Before I get into my current issue, here is a bit of my background: *Sexual assault described in the dating history, not in the actual situation: These parts are in the smaller crossed out font*

 

I currently identify as asexual but romantically attracted to male identifying individuals. I love cuddles, enjoy a good make-out session and I don't mind people touching my boobs. My main line is basically the pants stay on. I do want to eventually have my own kids, but that is a special situation to be discussed with a long-term partner and future me. 

 

Dating history: 

I discovered asexuality when I was 19 or 20. When I started dating I was around 15 ish, I never had an interest in sex and did not understand why everyone else was so fascinated by it. I also grew up in a very sheltered and religious family so, despite not being very religious myself, used that as an excuse for the disinterest in sex.

- My 1st BF I met at cadet camp, and we dated for about 2 months when we were there and then tried long distance after for a total of a year-long relationship. Unfortunately, while we were at camp, he was constantly pushing the limits that I had clearly stated and making me feel uncomfortable. At the time, I did not understand what was going on at the time, but I had repeatedly said that I did not want to take part in any form of touching of genitals, but he would still often put my hand on his area and try to put his hand in my pants. My main reaction was that I was not normal for not being interested in sex at all, and so I protested but bit by bit he would get "little victories", touching that line that I had set and at times passing it. I felt uncomfortable, but really liked him, so continued with a long distance relationship after camp. After the relationship became a long distance one, a few things happened. I really liked him and wanted the relationship to work at first.  As I said, at the time I thought me not having an interest was something wrong with me and did not fully understand what had happened. I eventually realised that what had happened was sexual assault. Around the time I started to understand that, I also got a text from a common friend telling me that he had gotten another girl pregnant, ending our relationship. As there was little chance of our paths crossing again, I just kept the I am in a long distance relationship thing going at school until I graduated to avoid the pressure to be in a relationship. 

- My 2nd BF, in my 1st year of university, also sexually assaulted me around the 2-month mark but it was a try to get me drunk so that I'll let him do things to me situation... I have a high alcohol tolerance, so that did not end well for him.  This was right before I figured out what was asexuality. He took my inexperience as a challenge 😣

- My 3rd BF also cheated on me around the 4-month mark. I had figured out asexuality at that point, so was no longer using the religious thing as an excuse. He was very religious, so he was not sleeping with her, but when we did eventually talk about it later and he said that the fact that I was asexual as one of the reasons it would not have worked out...   (The main reason we still talk is that we met through me being best friends with his cousin)

 

The current situation:

So yeah, since these situations (the last having happened 4 ish years ago) I never acted on any of my romantic attractions, because they always ended up a shit show... Until I started talking to someone last March... We would talk until 2 am on a regular basis, and over the summer we decided to try to start dating despite the fact that he is heterosexual. Our compromise is that he takes pictures of my boobs and deals with himself. While I still do find it a tad awkward taking pictures at times, I'm OK with it because I don't have to participate more than that. 

While he has said that he's fine with this because I don't have to participate in stuff I'm not comfortable with, and that we won't have to worry about a pregnancy scare. 

 

I just have been kind of in a funk, especially the past few days, of feeling that I am not good enough and can't be what he needs in a relationship. Like, I love and trust him, but also just had so many bad experiences that probably are causing me to feel more anxious than I should about this. I just don't know how to bring it up, and like, he has from the beginning tried to be reassuring about it not being an issue... but those thoughts are still there. 

 

Any advice?

[Philip027]

I know all about past experiences poorly coloring your expectations for future ones.  It's one of the bigger contributors toward why I still don't have a job.

 

The two best pieces of advice I have:

 

1) Remember each person is unique, just as how I still need to remember that every job is too.  Going through some shit before doesn't mean it's all gonna be shit afterward, whether it's 3 people/jobs or 300.

 

2) Use your negative experiences as a strength.  You know some of the sorts of things and behaviors to look out for from people who are only looking to abuse you, or cheat on you, because you've experienced it firsthand.  Don't go out of your way to try and "find" that sort of thing where it doesn't actually exist or anything, but be mindful of it.  If you don't see any of that stuff going on with this guy, you should take it as a good sign.

[banoffeepie]

 It's gonna be very difficult with a sexual person. You will always feel inadequate even if they tell you there's no problem. You have got to keep trying though.. finding nice caring partners who will make some adjustments and compromise is a numbers game I guess. There will be someone who will stay the course.

 

Obviously asexuals are gonna be, in general a lot more likely to succeed.

 

Advice?   hmm .. People are attracted to confident, content individuals. So don't try too hard, and just try and find happiness in all aspects of your life, love yourself (sorry for the cliché) and then let people you like and feel you could trust find out a little more about you.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, banoffeepie said:

People are attracted to confident, content individuals

This convinces me that I need to stay unconfident and miserable.

[Philip027]

Quote

This convinces me that I need to stay unconfident and miserable.

Unfortunately, "attracted to" in this sense doesn't just refer to romantic/sexual attraction.  It also generally means people won't want to be friends with you either.  Nobody likes hanging around with a stick in the mud, romantically or not.

 

If that isn't a problem for you either, then hell, go nuts.  But for the rest of us, it's generally much healthier to grow a spine and learn how to refute or ignore unwanted advances.

[AkemiM]

Thanks guys; I posted this and just putting shit into words helped a lot... and then did not check back because I have ADHD and AVEN is not a thing I check daily lol XP 
Update is that all is well, we are still together and happy and it was 98% the fact that the time mark of the relationship was where most of my relationships have gone to shit. We talked about shit and he assured me that he would rather me be happy and comfortable than have sex.