Jump to content

Unsure... :(


Recommended Posts

Hi, I'm a 15 yead old girl and I'm questioning whether or not I'm 'straight'. I absolutely recognize a difference in my romantic and sexual feelings as I feel compassion and love for everybody but don't want to go do it with them or anything along those lines. I think I am either pan or bi romantic and either gray ace or asexual. I understand the basic definitions but if I could her some personal experiences regarding this kind of decision that would be really helpful. Also, I was wondering what to do if I don't want to have a big 'come out moment'. My family is very accepting and I am fortunate to have them but I am worried that it may just be awkward at school. I've also had to reject boys my age at school and being able to explain with this kind of terminology would be really helpful but also put me at risk of gossip. And recommendations? (Also to do with that I feel as though I don't want to be on a relationship unless I REALLY know the person... Is that demi-romantic? And if so can you be demi pan or bi romantic?) And thank you to everyone who reads this, this is my first post here and I'm kinda nervous so thanks for taking the time to read and possible comment :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Celyn: The Lutening
2 hours ago, BunnyLover said:

I feel as though I don't want to be on a relationship unless I REALLY know the person... Is that demi-romantic?

It sure is! You seem to have it pretty much figured out re: knowing what the labels mean. Yes you can be demi-pan-romantic - any combination of labels is valid!

Not to invalidate you - identification can change heaps as you discover yourself - but being so young your sexuality isn't set in stone. A lot of people will say "you just haven't met the right person" and to someone in their 20s or 30s that just sounds really desperate and silly, but in your case they could be right. So don't rush into anything.

If I were you I wouldn't "come out" per se yet, just say to boys "Sorry, I'm not really that interested in boys (or anyone)," and they'll just assume you're a "late bloomer". But who knows, these days teenagers are pretty cluey and accepting, so you can explain asexuality if you feel comfortable.

 

Anyway, welcome to AVEN, the friendliest, calmest place on the internet! *Points to "Teen Corner subforum* That might be a good place to snoop around and chat to people who are a similar age who're experiencing the same sort of thing.

Enjoy your stay and your digital 🎂 :) 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

@BunnyLover Welcome to AVEN!

 

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, about 14, and I'm now 33.
What happened is, I started hearing comments like "This girl has nice tits" or "That girl has a nice ass" from my male peers and in media, and was bewildered by them.
It soon became clear to me that everyone else was experiencing an attraction that I wasn't.
At first, I wondered if I was gay, but I knew I wasn't attracted to my sex either.
I'm out as an Asexual to my friends and online, but not to my family who is very conservative to the point of scoffing at the LGBTQ+ community.
My advice is that you don't have to come out to everyone.
But if you do, you can use these resources,

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/

 

Also, yes, demi can be paired with pan or bi.

 

ZWughhv.jpg

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, BunnyLover said:

Hi, I'm a 15 yead old girl and I'm questioning whether or not I'm 'straight'. I absolutely recognize a difference in my romantic and sexual feelings as I feel compassion and love for everybody but don't want to go do it with them or anything along those lines. I think I am either pan or bi romantic and either gray ace or asexual. I understand the basic definitions but if I could her some personal experiences regarding this kind of decision that would be really helpful. Also, I was wondering what to do if I don't want to have a big 'come out moment'. My family is very accepting and I am fortunate to have them but I am worried that it may just be awkward at school. I've also had to reject boys my age at school and being able to explain with this kind of terminology would be really helpful but also put me at risk of gossip. And recommendations? (Also to do with that I feel as though I don't want to be on a relationship unless I REALLY know the person... Is that demi-romantic? And if so can you be demi pan or bi romantic?) And thank you to everyone who reads this, this is my first post here and I'm kinda nervous so thanks for taking the time to read and possible comment :)

Welcome to the forum! It sounds to me like you're asexual, I'm ace aro so I feel aesthetic attraction but don't think any further past that. As for the romantic side, I don't know the feeling but from what I've heard and seen it's a different kind of love feeling to platonic love, I think of kissing and holding hangs and stuff like that as being under romantic love. Ultimately its up to you as to where you think you fit though, I'm sure things will become more clear overtime as you got through life.

 

As for a come out moment I came out at pretty much the same time on both my YouTube channel and Facebook Timeline. I just wanted to tell everyone at once and get it over with. You obviously don't want to do that though if you don't want your friends to know, so maybe just let your parents know about it and ask them not to tell anyone else.

 

They might also be able to help you with what response you should give to boys. I went though that period of my life abroad where people in school weren't really talking about that kind of thing, so I went though that period of my life hardly even thinking about it at all. Because of that I don't really know how to help you with a response.

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, BunnyLover said:

if I could her some personal experiences regarding this kind of decision that would be really helpful.

Well, through high school, I had not heard of the term. And I also had a tendency to be late getting interest in other things as well. If my class was obsessed with a concept and talking about it a lot (like the phase when everyone was talking about what type of car they wanted for months on end), I reliably figured that I would become equally as interested sometime within the next 2 years. So when everyone except me was talking about sex, I just did everything I could to NOT give people yet another reason to mock me for being childish. In fact, I was so certain that it was just immaturity that when I met another ace (who also had not heard of asexuality), I basically did exactly what I was afraid everyone else would do to me if they found out (apparently high school me was an asshole out of fear) , but she had way more confidence than I did and it didn't bother her one bit. But I just kept waiting to grow into liking the idea of sex, but it never stopped feeling outright repulsive to me.

 

When I was about 19 and in college, I started to seriously wonder about my mental age and if it was ok to be that far behind. My friend (same friend) found an article a year later about asexuality and took the opportunity to rub it in my face that she was "normal after all". I was completely immune to this snark because my mind was actively being blown at the idea that I might not just be horrifically behind. So I looked it up, and found Aven. Still didn't accept it for a while, because I was hopelessly in love with this girl and had been turned down already, but I fantasized a lot. My fantasies were sexual in nature, primarily because I wanted the intimacy that I associated with sex, not the sex itself. I did not have enough introspection at this time to understand this, however, and determined that I couldn't be asexual. Maybe gray-a, but I didn't really understand gray-a at the time. I mentioned to said friend that I might fall into the category, but I wasn't sure, and she accused me of trying to jump on the newest bandwagon (as up to this point, I was very loud about totally-being-into-the-idea-of-sex-because-why-wouldn't-I?). 

 

I would go on to eventually realize why I had the sexual fantasies (and even later, that fantasies don't count anyway) and that the arousal just didn't happen irl. The entire interest was gone irl. But this would come to bother me again, because even when she finally agreed to go out with me (I was poisonously persistent), the fantasies didn't go away (I thought once I had the intimacy that I wanted, the fantasies would stop, or at least become less sexual - and this did not happen). I felt like I might just be suppressing my sexuality to, like, make myself more compatible with her or something. Idk. I didn't know then either. But it was so effective in fantasy format, it just had to translate over. So she helped me try out some experiments, and no matter how hard I tried, the feeling just only existed in fantasy format. Irl, there was nothing. Except occasional repulsion if I pushed my experiments too far. So finally, I accepted that this is just how I am. Still open to experimentation, of course, because some people develop sexual attraction well into their 30s. So, you know, open mind. But it hasn't changed so far. :) 

 

22 hours ago, BunnyLover said:

I was wondering what to do if I don't want to have a big 'come out moment'.

Don't have a big come out moment, I guess? I don't think it matters for your family all that much (maybe when you get old enough that they start pestering you for grandkids, but until then. :P As for the boys at school, you don't need to use any official term that could give people the wrong impression or lock you into a stereotype. High school has enough of that nonsense already. I mean, you could if you wanted to, but it doesn't sound like you do, so I don't see why you would need to. You can just tell them that you aren't interested in dating right now. Or that you don't know them well enough to want to date them. Or if you are interested in dating them, but don't want them to start pressuring you for sex (or just expecting it), then you could make it clear that you aren't interested in having sex. I mean, that didn't help my friend - they still pressured her all the time, but I think that's just the way most boys tend to be at that age. 😕 Not sure you could do anything to prevent it. But you can always remind them that you aren't interested. No matter what it is that you aren't interested in or why you aren't interested, the fact that you aren't interested should be enough - you don't need an excuse to not want to date or have sex. That is entirely your choice either way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...