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Can asexuality be a choice?


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14 hours ago, Apostle said:

No, you misunderstood me, I agree with you.

Okay, sorry about the misunderstanding, I thought you were saying something else. That's one of the annoying things about communicating with text (so one can't hear the tone of voice which can often be a good indicator as to the meaning behind a statement). :cake:

 

14 hours ago, Apostle said:

There are no sexuals apart from me on this thread. It would lead to a more balanced discussion I think if more joined in. 

I am sexual (very much so when someone turns me on the right way).. which I think I have reiterated in almost every response I have made to you in this thread :P

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As for the "no other sexuals" bit, I would also like to say that I'm unsure of what my orientation is, but I am almost definitely sexual--and if not "wholly" sexually, definitely in the gray-sexual area.

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11 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:
21 hours ago, Apostle said:

There are no sexuals apart from me on this thread. It would lead to a more balanced discussion I think if more joined in. 

I am sexual (very much so when someone turns me on the right way).. which I think I have reiterated in almost every response I have made to you in this thread :P

Sorry, meant to say 'mostly'.

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6 hours ago, Apostle said:

Sorry, meant to say 'mostly'.

But at the point, only one person who is actively talking to you about this on this thread identifies as asexual :P Most believe they're sexual.

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On 11/1/2018 at 10:55 PM, Apostle said:

them now being in their mid twenties now.

But you said earlier you had 3 kids (one of them disabled) all under the age of 6, which is why you are stuck with your wife and suffering as a result of the celibacy you feel is forced upon you. If you meant all of that was well over a decade ago you were being quite misleading. I assumed you currently had very young children. If they're all in their 20s what in the name of God is preventing you from leaving so you can fill this void you were claiming you feel inside, which you feel is being forced upon you? Even if one of them is disabled, you can both still actively partake in the care of that adult. You don't have to be forced to live together to care for that person.

 

I'm sorry, but not even by my more lenient definition are you being 'forced' into celibacy for the sake of your kids if they're all in their mid twenties. 

 

The only reason we're all going on about this point is because of how you responded argumentatively to everyone (including me) who said "celibacy is a choice, asexuality is innate". You tried to make it very clear to us just how much you are suffering, and even used the phrase 'ruins lives' in reference to an ace getting with a sexual.

 

Yet here you say your kids are all in their mid twenties? And if that means you're speaking of this void in your life STILL even though you now have every opportunity to leave, that would be like me going on about how much being made to have sex sucks as though it's still happening to me, though I got out of that relationship in 2011 :o

 

I'm just confused as to where you're coming from with all this, now that I read that your kids are all in their mid-twenties. I'd missed that earlier somehow. Are you saying you're currently being forced into a state of celibacy due to an unwillingness on your part to seek another relationship? Or do you mean you were forced into celibacy (in your eyes) and now it's just your default mode so you'd rather not try to have sex with anyone even though you could if you could find a new sexual partner? Legitimately trying to understand here!

 

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Any queer identity can be an individual choice. But this does not mean that all people living in queer categories are there by choice. 

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On 10/13/2018 at 3:32 PM, Bahalia said:

Ok, here goes nothing. I wouldn’t classify myself as asexual at this moment, but I think I could be in the future. It would be a choice I’d start to nuture, I have a switch of some sort, my libido fluctuates and is linked to how I focus. Long story short: I find life to be a dissapointing experience, my youth has been wasted on a major depression and the wrong diagnosis/treatment. I don’t want children, and in the past I had issues regarding a certain type of men, the classic: a low self-esteem and giving too much of myself to those who didn’t give anything in return. I’ve lived by several illusions that turned out to be false, and I feel like I’m going to reach the end result long before other people. By ‘end result’ I mean the curtain fall of the last illusion, it’s difficult to explain, but when you settle down and create a family, you put your whole existence into it, and is laser focused on this project for atleast 18 years. Since I’m not going to experience this, a void is lingering around the corner. This void can be bad-empty or good-empty, it’s up to me. What bothers me is the amount of energy you put into a relationship and for what? I see what’s important and nurturing, but I also see I major distraction. I guess I’m tired of trying to do all sorts of things I don’t have much faith in, I’m getting old soon, and I really want peace and consistency, not drama and compromise. I don’t want to live alone, I want warm friendships and a close relationship with myself and a growing spirituality. I would really like to hear about personal experiences, what do you make of my story? What kind thoughts emerge? How did you reach a conclusion on asexuality? Is it a choice as much as a natural preference? And is it possible to live a fullfilling life without the classic concepts of family, a significant other and close partnerships?

Your sexuality is not for you to choose. What I believe is that a person can mentally work on changing the approach to the world. I dont think, you can actually change your default setting. But one may discover that under the “rigth” circumstances, some activities migth seem nice, while under other it seemed nasty.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Nathan Dearth

I actually think yes, you could choose to become asexual. I think it's possible. Because it seems to me (forgive me if I'm wrong) that asexuality is not quite the same as other sexual orientations, because asexuality is the absence of sexual desire, whereas all other sexual orientations differ in the object of sexual desire. It's like sexual orientations are the x-axis, and the strength of the sexual desire is the y-axis, with asexuality at zero. And I think most people would agree that a person's sexual desire or libido can fluctuate for various reasons. And well, if it's possible to increase or decrease your sexual desire, then theoretically it seems possible to be able to decrease it all the way to zero. 

 

I've had some personal experience with this myself, since committing to celibacy, whenever I'm having a particularly disciplined period, the sight of an attractive woman tends not to arouse much excitement within me. Though I'm also aware that on those occasions when my discipline falters, I can sense my sexual desire is still there, ready to burst out, if I were to allow it. So I'm not certain, but I still like to believe it's possible. 

There are foods that are said to increase your libido, so there are probably foods that decrease it too. And I doubt there are any drugs that could change a persons sexual orientation, but there's plenty that can lower your libido, so that's a potential route to asexuality too. 

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1 hour ago, Nathan Dearth said:

I actually think yes, you could choose to become asexual. I think it's possible. Because it seems to me (forgive me if I'm wrong) that asexuality is not quite the same as other sexual orientations, because asexuality is the absence of sexual desire, whereas all other sexual orientations differ in the object of sexual desire. It's like sexual orientations are the x-axis, and the strength of the sexual desire is the y-axis, with asexuality at zero. And I think most people would agree that a person's sexual desire or libido can fluctuate for various reasons. And well, if it's possible to increase or decrease your sexual desire, then theoretically it seems possible to be able to decrease it all the way to zero. 

 

I've had some personal experience with this myself, since committing to celibacy, whenever I'm having a particularly disciplined period, the sight of an attractive woman tends not to arouse much excitement within me. Though I'm also aware that on those occasions when my discipline falters, I can sense my sexual desire is still there, ready to burst out, if I were to allow it. So I'm not certain, but I still like to believe it's possible. 

There are foods that are said to increase your libido, so there are probably foods that decrease it too. And I doubt there are any drugs that could change a persons sexual orientation, but there's plenty that can lower your libido, so that's a potential route to asexuality too. 

The state of your libido has nothing to do with whether you may be asexual.  Asexuality is not  wanting sex with any other person.   Some asexuals experience libido but they satisfy it with masturbation.  Asexuals do not need "discipline"; if you do, that sounds like you're being deliberately celibate, rather than asexual.  

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