My Girlfriend is Asexual, Help Me Understand

[Horace]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for nearly a decade. About a year ago she told me she was asexual. I didn't really know what to do different. Her coming to this realization helped in some ways, I understood reasons for some of her awkwardness, her lack of desire, things like that. However she is still sexually active and takes interest. I am cautious and I try not to let her feel guilty for anything, ashamed or embarrassed. What I am asking to understand is; what is a take from other people who are asexual? For me this is all very uncharted territory. I want to be a good boyfriend, and I still have my desires. She says she is comfortable with sex. We are very open with communication. It is still relatively new to her, and painfully new to me. Aside from a general statement from some aces, maybe some allos in my position could weigh in? There isn't exactly a guide that I know of that helps out with this sort of thing,  no I Just Found Out My Girlfriend if Asexual pamphlet, I just want to hear some input, ideas, thoughts, stories, anything that might help.

 

P.S. I have done a fair share of research on asexuality, the varying degrees of sexuality, types, genders, and I understand a bit of it in theory. Practice on the other hand is more complicated. 

[Tunes]

Pretty much what @Darthleon2 said. It sounds like everything is working out fine. Asexual just means that you don't feel attracted to the idea of sex, essentially. Some people (like me) hate it and can't stand the idea of ever doing something like that with anyone for any reason. Other asexuals (like your girlfriend, by the sound of it) don't mind it - they might even enjoy it - but they just don't feel any kind of desire to do so for their own enjoyment. This doesn't mean that they can't enjoy it - some asexuals do actually enjoy the feel of it, some enjoy it because it's an intimate activity that they can share with their partner - there are lots of reasons an asexual might still enjoy sex. The only difference is that this enjoyment is not innate. They have no intrinsic desire for it.

 

I guess, if I have to come up with some type of advice, just don't push her (in either direction; not that she's fragile or anything, just basic respect) and try to remember not to take it personally if she just doesn't seem to be into it sometimes - it's not reflective of how she feels about you at all. But, I mean, you kinda seem to have all that under control already. ^^u  And if any problems do pop up or you find yourself with more specific questions, Aven is always open to you.  

[TheAP]

Moved from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

TheAP

Questions about Asexuality mod

[Nea Rose Symphony]

My experience with sex was I didn't get anything out of it physically or emotionally with either partner and it felt like a tedious chore honestly. Afterwards, I felt awkward when either partner had brought it up that I seemed disinterested in it because I felt like I was doing something wrong and couldn't even tell what because sex takes little importance to me compared to them

 

When an ace has sex with their partner they most likely do it entirely for the partner out of understanding that compromise is necessary to relationship survival. Every one is different so while I don't get any physical pleasure with partnered sex and I don't understand the difference between good sex and bad sex, another ace might get physical pleasure out of it

 

If you really want to understand your girlfriend, ask her what it's like for her and try to relate as best as you can. It feels awkward even mentioning it to a partner who isn't ace simply because it's so unheard of and we might fear our partner's reaction. Don't pressure her into anything and just because she does it one day doesn't mean she wants to do it again within the next few days or weeks. During the times she really has no motivation for it, maintain your bonds in other ways like date nights, gift giving, etc.

[Lara Black]

Hello, @Horace

I’m a partner of an ace in a happy 2-year relationship. In my experience, it helps to have a list of things with three categories:

1. What the ace partner really likes doing.

2. What they might not enjoy but are fine with doing for the sexual’s sake

3. What they don’t like and won’t do.

The things in the first category don’t need to be sexual per se – they might be the way you make her feel “as good as sex” makes you feel. It could be kissing, a massage or something else. Some aces really like sensual stuff when they know for sure that it’s not going to lead to anything more heavy and unpleasant for them.

The other two categories are fairly self-explanatory.

However, if you decide to do this, keep in mind that this list isn’t carved in stone – all people change, and especially those who are still discovering their asexuality. Keep an open dialogue with your girlfriend, be sensitive to her reactions, and that should help you both discover more about her orientation.

[anisotrophic]

Seconding @Lara Black's recommendation -- the way @ryn2 has phrased it is a list of "want/willing/won't". You can't expect the "want" to be large -- or even exist at all. But the "willing" might be larger than you expect. Try to understand what sorts of things are "minor chore" vs "big ask".

 

Other valuable things I've found... (my partner of well over a decade has ID'd as ace starting 6-8 months ago)...

• figure out what you're feeling from sexual intimacy. e.g. does it make you feel wanted, special, or important? communication is important, and it helps to cultivate self awareness on what sexual intimacy means to you. It could be complex, it might be doing several things at once. Some of those you might find non-sexual substitutes. (e.g. I asked my partner to help me feel special in nonsexual ways, to take the place of feeling special due to sexual attraction.)
   
• I think positive feedback on sex is important. If someone is asexual and having sex, they're not getting much out of it directly -- they're doing it because it has some other reward, e.g. they get to make you happy. Maybe they like that you express gratitude.
   
• Ask how to ask! One of the more stressful things for my partner was feeling pressure to be spontaneously sexual. That can be pretty common... if someone's not attracted to you, but willing to have sex, they may need some time to feel ready. They might prefer scheduling, more verbal opportunity to say "no" or "later", or maybe times of the day/week when they know it's not going to come up.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Seconding @Lara Black's recommendation -- the way @ryn2 has phrased it is a list of "want/willing/won't". You can't expect the "want" to be large -- or even exist at all. But the "willing" might be larger than you expect. Try to understand what sorts of things are "minor chore" vs "big ask".

There are “want/will/won’t” lists available on the internet, if that’s easier than thinking up your own.  Many are kink/BDSM-focused but some are much more vanilla.

[MrDane]

My experience is that the beforementioned list changes a lot and should be supplied with a communicationlike stopligth: “green”=nice, you may wander down that road., “yellow”: slow down, tiger. Let me just see how I feel about this. “Red”: full stop. Not today. Perhaps not ever.

and a schedule to prevent the surprise factor. 

And always be okay with not todays or postponements. To many may require an explanation or at least a confirmation “I love you, but lets not have sex tonigth”

[Chimeric]

Welcome to AVEN. =] 

 

I'm the allo in my relationship. It's been a learning curve, but probably the best advice that I can give is to recognize and appreciate the way your ace loves you. It won't be through sex, but it will be through other things - and those things will be given from the same spirit of intimate giving-of-self that sex would be, though they're difficult for us to recognize as such, initially.

It sounds like you're doing all of the right things. Continue asking a lot of questions (I often ended up putting my foot clear down my throat with some of the questions I've asked of my partner), reassure her, if you can, and accept that sometimes the answers will be unsatisfying. Give it time. The word may be new for you both, but for her, this is life as it has always been.

[Horace]

I want to thank everyone here. We are all just trying to survive this world, and it is awesome to find not only helpful, but genuine people here. My girlfriend and I have had an improved sex life since she discovered herself, and we have been open to each other. A part of me just wants to know everything I can about her, because I love her. I find this whole subject fascinating and asexuality as a whole so alien to me that I want to know or figure out all I can, for both my girlfriend and my own enlightenment.

[anamikanon]

On 10/13/2018 at 2:30 PM, Horace said:

What I am asking to understand is; what is a take from other people who are asexual?

I am not ace. My partner is, but he is comfortable with sex, enjoys it even on the rare occasion he wants it. What he really likes about sex is that it pleases me. The sexual experience for him in itself is not very valuable, though the physical sensations are nice. Some of the suggestions he's made to me over time:

• He can find sex a bit boring, so prefers our sexual experience to be something where he can zone out. Most of the time, his preferred positions are with me on top or side by side. He doesn't enjoy the effort man on top takes. If your partner is like that, it may be useful to reverse the idea and offer her positions where she doesn't have to be as..... involved in making things happen. A wild guess would be no oral, avoid woman on top kind of thing, but her mileage will vary. ASK.
• Sex slips his mind and he has no instinct for it, so sometimes he can feel a bit lost and awkward about initiating, but he's mostly ok with it, so rather than marinate in sexual frustration, just ask and initiate. I'm actually not so good at this, but it is valuable advice, if you can be.
• He is asexual, not a rape victim. Disinterest is not the same thing as trauma. This took me a long time to wrap my head around. For me, disinterest in sex is a NO and having sex in spite of a NO is rape. I had to learn to take his YES at face value and to respect that he has his reasons for wanting sex with me, even if he isn't interested in sex.
• As long as I don't insist on sex in spite of him refusing, he's fine and to not overthink this, because if there is one thing that is harder than having sex and way less fun, it is explaining the nuances of desire or lack of it to a skeptical sexual who doesn't get it.