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RBP

Advice needed from Asexuals

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RBP

Hi guys, 

I'm sexual and I honestly believe my partner is an asexual, even though he has never admitted that. 

Truth is that sex is really essential to my self-esteem and to my health ( both psichological and physical). 

Since the beginning of our relationship he has never shown special interest in sex, he had never done it before and he has never really gotten interested in it specially. 

He prefers to mess with his phone, play games, reading a book or says it is never a convenient time. He said it was a huge turn off all the ways I tried to initiate it. However, every time I gave up and waited for him to initiate it, we've spent months without it and I always end up trying again because he never looks for it. 

I tried talking to him but he always refuses to talk about it and I always feel extremely frustrated and rejected. 

I did try to suggest an open relationship where I can go find sex elsewhere but that seems a deal breaker idea for him. And a vibrator can only do the job so much. 

I thought it was a matter of discomfort with condoms, I suggested improvements but nothing changes and he always tries his best to escape conversations about sex without giving me any answers. 

Asexuals, how do you deal with your partner's sexual energy? 

Is it unthinkable for all of you to have your partner fulfill their sexual needs with someone else ? Why? 

Sexual partners of Asexuals, how do you deal with that ? 

I really love him, but that hurts me a lot and it has been very hard for me to continue with the relationship. But how can I deal with this situation? Specially with someone who refuses to talk about the matter at all ? 

I really didn't want to break up an otherwise very good relationship over that... I am kind of desperate...

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Philip027
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Is it unthinkable for all of you to have your partner fulfill their sexual needs with someone else ? Why?

Because most of us still realize that peripheral sexual entanglements can and often lead to emotional entanglement too.

 

That being said, if you feel like your desires are not being fulfilled, it's well within your rights to leave this guy.  Sucks, but he doesn't seem interested in meeting you halfway or arranging any sort of compromise situation and that bodes ill for any relationship, no matter what the issue is about.

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RBP
30 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Sucks, but he doesn't seem interested in meeting you halfway or arranging any sort of compromise situation and that bodes ill for any relationship, no matter what the issue is about.

I am always double guessing if I should leave when all the other affects go so well. I always ask myself if I'm not demanding too much of him. 

Is it unbearable to even to talk about sex for Asexuals ? 

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Panglosse

Honestly if your sexual needs are that intense I really don't suggest you stay in your current relationship no matter how "good" it is. You'll both just end up hurt in the end because often times sexual partners who get desperate end up feeling the need to cheat or fool around when asexual partners wish to remain monogamous but without sexual intimacy; which in turn is not healthy and can lead to some very nasty emotional hurt for the both of you.

 

And as for talking about sex it really depends on the asexual. I'm sex repulsed but It's not unbearable to talk about sex for me, I just greatly dislike it. That being said, communication is important in any relationship so if there's an issue he really needs to talk about it and not be so frustrated or closed off. 

 

I wish you luck in your situation, perhaps it'd be best to remain friends if you feel an emotional connection and attachment?

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Biblioromantic
1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

Because most of us still realize that peripheral sexual entanglements can and often lead to emotional entanglement too.

Yeppers peppers. Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I'm into polyamory or open relationships. I'm still monogamous. And I would hope that the person I'm in a relationship with would also be monogamous. I wouldn't want him to seek out any type of connection with someone else because sex leads to emotion, and I wouldn't want to lose him.

 

That said, communication makes or breaks any type of relationship. If your partner isn't talking to you--and especially if he's refusing to communicate when you've made multiple attempts to talk about an important topic like sex and your feelings about it--then it's time to try something else. It seems like he's refusing your attempts to try new things to assist him to meet you halfway. Maybe he doesn't understand how critical the issue is for you; some people can be pretty tone-deaf. Maybe getting a third party involved, i.e., counseling?

 

I don't know the answer for your specific situation. One thing I do know: there are some things people just can't change about themselves because they are intrinsically bound up with who they are as people. Asexuality is one of those things. Your partner may never want sex or may never feel the need to have it with you. It doesn't mean he's not an awesome human being in many other ways; it doesn't mean he doesn't connect with you in other ways; it doesn't mean he doesn't have strong feelings or that he doesn't love you; it just means he's asexual. There are some things he can do to mitigate his asexuality in some ways, some concessions he may be willing and able to make, but the two of you will have to communicate about them openly, honestly, and repeatedly for the entirety of your relationship, and those concessions may never be enough for you. You'll just have to decide if the entirety of who your partner is, including his asexuality, is enough for you.

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Ortac

The impression I get is that he may have some kind of fear of sex, maybe even a phobia, and that he is too scared or embarrassed to talk about it or admit it. Deep down he probably realises that, but on the surface he probably doesn't want to admit it even to himself, prefering to pretend that there isn't a problem. He's hoping that if he buries his head in fhe sand and ignores the issue of sex, that it will all just go away. If he won't talk and open up, there is probably not much hope, unfortunately. 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I've seen a sexual person behaving like that - because they were just using the other person. I doubt that's what's going on here though. If you get no responses, just go and find someone who will reciprocate and treat you as you want to be. Life's too short to stay trapped in a frustrating situation. the best of luck, wishing you well.

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Serran

Some asexuals are sex repulsed or something like that, which makes it hard. Some also feel guilty about it and avoid the conversation. Then some just dont get it and refuse to talk. 

 

But, a lot of aces will talk and discuss and work out if a compromise is possible. Just depends on the individual. 

 

If you need sex and he refuses to give it or talk, Id say it probably wont work out. 

 

But, a lot of aces are still monogamous that is why open relationships arent an option for them. Just because you arent into sex doesnt mean you want your partner going elsewhere for something so intimate. Just like I am not into PiV or oral (I do other stuff with my spouse, mutual dislike of those) but wouldnt be OK them seeking it elsewhere. And ive dated people who werent into cuddling who wouldnt be OK with me getting it elsewhere. Etc.etc. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
5 hours ago, mreid said:

I assume you love your partner in a non-sexual and also in a sexual way, while he only seems to love you in a non-sexual way. If you were to have an open relationship and find someone who would satisfy you sexually ("love" you/ appreciate you sexually?), in a sense you'd have the best of two worlds. You could still love your partner in a non-sexual way, and the other person in a sexual way. It's kind of like loving one person but this person is split in two, does that make sense?

 

So my question is, why do you separate the two kinds kinds of love? How does your non-sexual love for your partner differ from your sexual love for him? And why do you feel something is missing if he is not sexually attracted to you? Isn't it love all the same?

The OP specifically said that sex is very important to her/him physically and psychologically, that's enough. S/he's stated it and doesn't need to explain her/himself to you. And it's not that s/he's separating different kinds of love or whatever. For many sexual people, sex is an ASPECT of one kind of love (romantic love) and going without can diminish ones enjoyment of aspects of that love (especially where intimacy is concerned). Sex can also be something someone just desires innately that makes them feels good about themselves that doesn't have to have anything to do with love, but the OP very clearly stated that her/his partner is not interested in an open relationship so your suggestions about how an open relationship might help her/him are no use to anyone. S/he very clearly stated that would actually be a deal breaker for her/his partner.

 

Also, for many asexuals, romantic love is exactly the same for them as romantic love is for sexuals, just without the sexual components. It's not like sexuals and asexuals are experiencing different kinds of love when romantically involved with someone. It's the same love, but one desires sexual intimacy as an aspect of that love and one doesn't.

 

20 hours ago, RBP said:

Is it unthinkable for all of you to have your partner fulfill their sexual needs with someone else ?

For me, even when I thought I was 100% ace and I had an ace partner, we both still had an innate desire for monogamy. Some aces just have that naturally (as some sexuals do too) and the thought of someone else being intimate with our partner in any way is just a huge NOPE. It's a sickening idea.

 

In saying that, I personally would think your partner should be actively working with you to find intimate compromises that may help you feel more loved without overstepping his boundaries. That would only be fair if he flat-out refuses an open relationship and if he won't meet you halfway on that, I personally would question if the relationship is a healthy one for you to stay in. I mean, you're saying he's not even willing to talk about it, and that for me sets off warning bells about how committed he actually is to your sense of emotional security and happiness. Yes of course his needs (or lack thereof) also need to be totally respected, BUT in a healthy relationship couples talk about these difference to try to come up with some kind of solutions. Even just the act of talking itself can help clear the air.

 

Even if sex isn't an aspect of love for him personally, the way it is for you, wanting to help and support you emotionally through this, compromising, finding alternatives that can work for you both, those things ARE part of love regardless of whether it's a mixed relationship or not. If he won't meet you half-way, or at last TRY to find some intimate alternatives to sex that work for you both, or at the very least TALK about this with you.. is he really showing you the love you neee or deserve? 😕 

 

PS Also sorry about the gender pronoun thing in my response to mreid, I wasn't sure of your gender but typing 'they' made it sound like I was talking about both you and your partner, so I just put both genders and hopefully one of them is correct! :cake:

 

 

 

 

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Starlit Sky
22 hours ago, RBP said:

I honestly believe my partner is an asexual, even though he has never admitted that. 

This, I think, is the first thing to focus on (if I were you). Asexuality still doesn't have a whole lot of visibility and it really might not be so much that he hasn't "admitted" it, but that he doesn't know it. He could be feeling like there is something wrong with him, and he might be worried that talking about sex might validate his fears (obviously I wouldn't KNOW that's what he's thinking, but this kind of thought process is common among asexuals before they discover their sexuality). I really, really, really think that you should tell him about asexuality. Direct him here to AVEN, if you've found any articles on the subject you found were helpful maybe show him those, etc. But he needs to know.

 

22 hours ago, RBP said:

Asexuals, how do you deal with your partner's sexual energy?

I don't ID as asexual (I may be, I may not be), but I have learned that finding someone who is as close to your sexuality as possible is pretty vital in a relationship. And keep in mind, when I say "sexuality" here, I'm not necessarily talking about an orientation. I'm saying that if someone is super into BDSM, they'd be best off if they found someone else into BDSM; if someone has a comparatively low sex drive, they'd probably be best off with someone who has a low sex drive, or at least somewhere in the "most average" range. My ex said in his ideal relationship he'd have sex about once a day, or at least every other day. We didn't make it to three months. In comparison, while my boyfriend now couldn't be said to have low sex drive, come Monday he'll have gone over a year without sex.

 

Since I'm no longer IDing as asexual my answer to this has changed slightly . . . but I do have a (significantly) lower sex drive / libido than most. Sometimes physical touch can be hard--or at least it could in the beginning. In the beginning of our relationship I was really disappointed a lot of the time, because I felt like the only way I could get any affectionate touch was if sexy stuff happened afterwards, and it made me want to stop giving hugs, kissing, etc. Over time this was worked out, and essentially we can give signals as to whether or not one of us would like to have "sexy times" by certain triggers (deeper kisses, certain hand motions, etc).

 

In times where I'm just not in the mood, I'm cool if he wants to take care of it or whatever. I've "taken care of it" when he isn't in the mood, too. (Additionally, there are also times where, depending on what my own "mood" is, I'll pleasure him without any real need to receive anything in return.)

 

22 hours ago, RBP said:

Is it unthinkable for all of you to have your partner fulfill their sexual needs with someone else ? Why? 

It's really based on an individual--I mean, consider also that not every sexual out there would be open to this, too.

 

Before we broke up I told my ex that I was totally fine with him finding someone else to have sex with. I think he really liked the idea of polyamory and open relationships, so he was interested. The only thing I ever asked of him with that was for me to know who it was and to be told before or after it was about to happen. He never did it--I don't know why???????????

 

On the flip side, throughout this year, and especially when I've felt a drop in confidence about the whole "we-haven't-had-sex-yet" thing, I've told my boyfriend a number of times that I would be open to him having sex with someone else, and every time he's been very, very against the idea. It's not that it's a "moral" thing for him, either--it's just not his thing.

 

21 hours ago, RBP said:

Is it unbearable to even to talk about sex for Asexuals ? 

Not necessarily! Again, this one depends on individuals. Some people are totally sex-repulsed, meaning that even if they don't think anything is wrong with sex, they think it's really, really, really . . . gross. But honestly, just based on what you've said here, your guy doesn't sound sex repulsed? Obviously it's hard to say that and is more of a guess than anything else, but I really think the main reason he doesn't want to talk about it is because he doesn't know what's "up" with him.

 

21 hours ago, RBP said:

I am always double guessing if I should leave when all the other affects go so well.

Ask yourself this:

  1. Is the relationship worth saving?
  2. If so, are you willing to do what it takes to save it?

If you answer "yes" to both, then I believe that means you're not ready to let go of the relationship--not that that's necessarily a bad thing! Of course, that also means that he would have to feel the same way, but by answering yes I think that that's what you should remember, for now. And the first thing to do (I would really really suggest!) is to tell him about asexuality.

 

I'll be honest here and say that there are two main possibilities that could happen when you tell him about asexuality, show him AVEN, etc. The first is that he'll realize that he doesn't have some kind of hormonal disease, and therefore he'll be more willing to talk about sex, and maybe more willing to explore, experiment, etc. The other thing is that he'll realize that sex is never going to be for him, and he'll be totally against doing anything to do with it. . . .

 

But nevertheless, I will reiterate what others have said and say that he NEEDS TO COMPROMISE, in some way or another. If he's not willing to compromise in anyway, and whatever suggestions that come to you just aren't going to fly, the two of you may need to really re-think your relationship. . . .

 

8 hours ago, mreid said:

You could still love your partner in a non-sexual way, and the other person in a sexual way.

I think you've said before that English isn't your first language? If that's the case that might explain this, but . . . there is no such thing as "sexually loving" someone, at least not in the context that you seem to be talking about. You might love to have sex with someone, you might love the intensity of the feeling, but that's a far cry from loving them.

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uhtred

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are often miserably for at least one, and often both partners.   I think its rare for a mismatched couple to find a way that both can be happy.  It doesn't get better with time (As I can see from >30 years marriage). 

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Serran
5 hours ago, uhtred said:

Mixed sexual / asexual relationships are often miserably for at least one, and often both partners.   I think its rare for a mismatched couple to find a way that both can be happy.  It doesn't get better with time (As I can see from >30 years marriage). 

On the other side, we have several members who have long, successful and mutually happy relationships. So, it just depends on the people involved. 

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Guest
On 10/13/2018 at 5:16 AM, RBP said:

Asexuals, how do you deal with your partner's sexual energy? 

Is it unthinkable for all of you to have your partner fulfill their sexual needs with someone else ? Why? 

For me, it's unthinkable to be in a closed/monogamous relationship - I'd far more readily consider a partnerhip with a polyamorous sexual than with an monogamous ace. So, obviously, back when R. (sexual) and I (ace) were together, she had the freedom to have sex with others, right from day one (and she made use of that right liberally).

 

In my experience, whether someone is mono, poly, or polyflexible is independent from whether or not they're asexual. Some are very much monogamous, some (like me) are very much polyamorous, and the rest fall somewhere in between. While I'm firmly convinced that polyamory makes a lot of things one heck of a lot easier, including mixed ace/sexy 'ships... if it just isn't an option for someone, well, then that's that, discussion over. Time to seek other options... of which breaking up always is one.

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iff
7 hours ago, Serran said:

On the other side, we have several members who have long, successful and mutually happy relationships. So, it just depends on the people involved. 

I think this is a very good point to bear in mind.

 

Unlike the line tolstoy started anna Karenina, each relationship is happy or unhappy in it's own way and it is really dependent on the individuals. There are sexual/asexual relationships success stories out there. Each relationship has it own individual challenges but also positive points.

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Telecaster68
10 hours ago, Serran said:

we have several members who have long, successful and mutually happy relationships. So, it just depends on the people involved.

There are way, way more where one or both are miserable, or who split up eventually. The stars have to align and keep aligning for it to work, and when a basic component such as sexuality is different, that's hard.

 

Nobody owes anyone else sex, but people in relationships owe each other communication. The relatsionhip might survive the lack of sex - maybe - but it won't survive the lack of communication.

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anisotrophic
22 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

There are way, way more where one or both are miserable, or who split up eventually. The stars have to align and keep aligning for it to work, and when a basic component such as sexuality is different, that's hard.

 

Nobody owes anyone else sex, but people in relationships owe each other communication. The relatsionhip might survive the lack of sex - maybe - but it won't survive the lack of communication.

Yeah, it really boils down to the communication component.

On the open relationship -- it's not inherently bad, but it's absolutely true that emotions are involved, it's fair for someone to want monogamy. If someone is trying to use it to fix a problem, that also seems like a bad sign IMHO? (Is it an unconscious attempt to move on from a faltering relationship, while minimizing one's own guilt and risk?) I think the whole open/poly idea might be one of those things that looks more promising when it's being denied, a "grass is greener" problem. My partner & I had an open relationship in the distant past (which we were too lazy to bother using much, hah) and I'm not taking that path right now -- even if he lets me. It's too much work and it wouldn't help with the real problem. I needed to repair emotions and intimacy with my partner.

 

@RBP here's a tips blogpost I started with when I brought this to my partner. We honestly hadn't realized that asexuality was an "option". https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2014/03/24/what-to-do-if-you-think-your-partner-might-be-asexual/

But from what you wrote, (a) it's hard to know if he's asexual or has some other thing going on, and (b) it didn't sound like he was feeling much empathy for how this affects you. It genuinely takes both partners to engage in a lot of empathy, you can't pull this off on your own -- if he is asexual, it's not going to change, and neither will your own orientation.

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Notarealname

Does he know about Asexuallity? I found out just a week ago and before I thought I am a totally weirdo. Maybe he dont know, too? Because talking about beeing asexuality is diffrent then talking about "Why you don't want sex with me?" 
Thats the only thing I can think about. I am really sorry to hear that he dont even want to talk about it, that would help a lot.
Best wishes.

Jen

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Traveler40
7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

On the open relationship -- it's not inherently bad, but it's absolutely true that emotions are involved

Not necessarily for everyone.  Not much is always “absolutely true”.  Not everyone needs an emotional connection to explore an open relationship. 

 

7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

If someone is trying to use it to fix a problem, that also seems like a bad sign IMHO? 

Not necessarily given a mixed relationship. I can’t understand this commentary given the circumstance of mixed relationships  within the context of this forum.  The solutions for the sexual boil down to:

 

1. Compromise

2. Celibacy

3. Open the relationship

4. Leave

 

So, you’re saying #3 is generally a bad sign? 🤔

 

 

7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

(Is it an unconscious attempt to move on from a faltering relationship, while minimizing one's own guilt and risk?) 

That seems quite the stretch, but could be possible for someone somewhere 🤔

 

7 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I think the whole open/poly idea might be one of those things that looks more promising when it's being denied, a "grass is greener" 

I completely disagree.  It’s one of the best decisions this sexual has ever made.  Has it been easy?  Definitely not as I’ve been quite open about my journey.  However, I wouldn’t change a thing or opine on anyone else’s choices herein. Mixed relationships are hard enough.

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Philip027

#3 is a bad sign if you're trying to use opening the relationship as a relationship bandaid, rather than the people in the relationship actually being legitimately polyamorous to begin with.  You'll usually end up finding that the person who agrees for the other person to see other people is not actually as okay with it as they may let on (which is a perfectly normal and expected way for a monoamorous/monogamous person to react); they're just agreeing to it out of desperation to save the relationship.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, Philip027 said:

#3 is a bad sign if you're trying to use opening the relationship as a relationship bandaid, rather than the people in the relationship actually being legitimately polyamorous to begin with.  You'll usually end up finding that the person who agrees for the other person to see other people is not actually as okay with it as they may let on (which is a perfectly normal and expected way for a monoamorous/monogamous person to react); they're just agreeing to it out of desperation to save the relationship.

I see your point and this makes sense though it doesn’t always happen this way. In my case, I do not believe my husband agreed to allow me to open our relationship out of desperation, but actually out of understanding and love initially.  The current issues arose when communication broke down earlier this year. I can report there are bad signs around it currently, and that we are inherently monogamous/monoamorous  - all three of us. I can truthfully say that my husband was fine with it until he felt he may be replaced in time.  Whenever that sunk in, the struggle and resistance set it.

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Philip027

Yeah, and sometimes mixed orientation relationships work out, too.  It still doesn't happen often enough to the point where such relationships are advisable, or that it doesn't bode ill for the relationship's future.

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ryn2
7 hours ago, Philip027 said:

#3 is a bad sign if you're trying to use opening the relationship as a relationship bandaid, rather than the people in the relationship actually being legitimately polyamorous to begin with.

*nods*

 

The standard guidance for people (regardless of orientation) considering a new open or poly arrangement (new in the sense of moving from a monogamous arrangement, not new as in new partners) is never to do it when the primary relationship is in trouble/shaky/hitting a rough patch.  Adding the additional complexity of more people and more emotional stuff to navigate just adds to the strain.  It’s something better undertaken when everything is going well... that helps guarantee it’s additive and not replacing.

 

That said, I get the sense some of the folks here who have taken on other partners (sometimes without a past history of polyamory) haven’t done so to save their primary relationships as much as they have to be able to tolerate cohabiting (and, often, coparenting) after their primary relationships had already broken down.  Obviously that may not be the case - they’re in the relationships and know better than I do - but that’s sometimes how it’s sounded from what they’ve shared here.

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Traveler40
39 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That said, I get the sense some of the folks here who have taken on other partners (sometimes without a past history of polyamory) haven’t done so to save their primary relationships as much as they have to be able to tolerate cohabiting (and, often, coparenting) after their primary relationships had already broken down

That is not my case, and I haven’t read that from other posters. Admittedly I do not read everything in every thread.  I have seen a number of posts contemplating opening the relationship after they’ve expressed a break down in their relationship though I don’t know if they went on to actually open the relationship.  

 

I can say that for myself it boiled down to being with an asexual man and having tried and failed at #’s 1 & 2 across years.  There aren’t a lot of options, and the natural progression ends up at #3 if you don’t somehow stick at #1 or 2.  Not sure if you’re indirectly referencing my situation or others you’ve read here ryn - as for mine, you’re incorrect.

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ryn2
23 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I have seen a number of posts contemplating opening the relationship after they’ve expressed a break down in their relationship though I don’t know if they went on to actually open the relationship[....]  Not sure if you’re indirectly referencing my situation or others you’ve read here ryn - as for mine, you’re incorrect.

I was referring to the first point above, not to your situation in particular.

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anisotrophic

To be clear, my partner and I had an open relationship many years ago, which we both exercised, and it did not endanger our relationship in the slightest. Neither of us were hurt by it. But I can't say nobody was hurt. Opening a relationship means someone else's emotions become involved.

 

So I'm not against the practice. But it comes up a lot and I think there's plenty of reasons to be cautious and skeptical of it as a solution, per @ryn2's point on "standard guidance".

 

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ryn2
11 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

1. Compromise

2. Celibacy

3. Open the relationship

4. Leave

(just using the list, not directing the below at traveler40; on my phone there is no way to clear the quotee’s name)

 

Part of why it’s really important to understand where both partners stand on mono v. polyamory before suggesting an open relationship - to avoid the “only agreeing to salvage things” scenario mentioned above - is that to a monoamorous person the list actually reads like this:

 

1. Compromise

2. Celibacy

3. Leave once someone better comes along

4. Leave now

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

and that we are inherently monogamous/monoamorous  - all three of us.

Youre speaking of polyamoury here, not inherent monogamy.

 

Inherently monogamous/monoamorous means you're literally only capable of desiring one person emotionally and intimately at a time, just to clarify. If an innately monogamous person tried to have sex with someone other than the person they're in love with it would cause them deep pain and suffering.

 

Opening a relationship only causes pain (instantly) for everyone involved if two partners are truly inately monogamous, but truly innately monogamous people could not even bring themselves to consider such a thing in the first place.

 

This is slightly off topic, I know, I just get a little frustrated when I see people bandying such terms around like they don't really mean anything (in the same way someone might get dumped and say 'I hate men, now I'm asexual!' it's cheapening the term 😕).

 

The whole point of innate monogamy is that you're incapable of opening your relationship even if it may 'save' it, because of the pain polyamoury would cause. If someone is actually capable of having sex (for pleasure) with someone other than the person they're in love with, that means they're a poly person who may have a preference for the practice of monogamy but is capable of having sexual and emotional intimacy with people other than their partner.

 

Most humans are innately polyamorous and are sadly forced into the practice of monogamy, but for the small percentage of people who are truly innately monogamous, polyamoury will only cause incredible pain and suffering and isn't something they can even bring themselves to consider.

 

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Lucinda
3 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:
  10 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

and that we are inherently monogamous/monoamorous  - all three of us.

 

3 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Inherently monogamous/monoamorous means you're literally only capable of desiring one person emotionally and intimately at a time, just to clarify. 

 

3 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:

If someone is actually capable of having sex (for pleasure) with someone other than the person they're in love with, that means they're a poly person who may have a preference for the practice of monogamy but is capable of having sexual and emotional intimacy with people other than their partner.

 

I believe she knows what she is saying, but you may have to read between the lines to get the full picture.

 

Lucinda

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iff

Please note posts in relation to the quoting  have been split from the thread Advice Needed from Asexuals in Sexual Partners, Friends & Allies to a new thread in Site Comments Help with Quoting

iff,

moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
9 hours ago, Lucinda said:

I believe she knows what she is saying, but you may have to read between the lines to get the full picture.

 

Lucinda

It's like when people say asexuals can love having sex and desire to have sexual relationships with multiple people purely for the pleasure of sex. It's an inaccurate way to use the term and can lead to confusion in the long run. Innate monogamy means you're incapable of desiring sexual intimacy with anyone other than the one person you're in love with, even if that one person can't give you sex. If you're capable of seeking sex with someone else then you're not innately monogamous. There's nothing wrong with that of course, and people are free to identify how they wish, I just wanted to clarify that when three people are involved it's polyamoury not monogamy. And certainly not innate monogamy.

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