Flump222

I'm obsessing over asexuality. What do I do?

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Flump222

I haven't been on AVEN at all for a little while now because I decided to take a little break for my mental health. In fact, I took a break from asexuality as a whole, and tried to not even think about it. However, not only did this not help my mental health, I also wasn't able to get asexuality off my mind. I thought about it frequently, and brought it up even when I knew I shouldn't. I feel like I'm obsessed, and like this is how it's been ever since I started. 

 

I've been questioning my sexuality for nearly a year now, and it all started when I did some research for a reason I've long since forgotten, and I related to it. I eventually labeled myself as ace and came out to most people I knew, but then doubt set in, and it's been like that for a while. It's gotten a little better, but it's still very much there. Normally I'd paste in a long couple of paragraphs about how I feel and why I think I am (not) ace, but after having many people give their input I don't think that's going to get me anywhere. I honestly don't even know if that's how I feel anymore, or what I'm even feeling now.

 

I think that I should take a new approach, but I don't know what to do. Finding this out is very important to me, and I think I may need to tackle it head-on, but I'm not sure how. I just can't get this off my mind! Agh!

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Anthracite_Impreza

Just a thought, but are you diagnosed with, or have you ever considered you may have, OCD?

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Muledeer

Just chill.  If you become sexual, so what?  It 's not like it is  a commitment or something like that.  It's an orientation, like , how you were born.  

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Ficto.

Do you ever actively desire to connect with certain other people sexually, so you can experience sexual and/or emotional pleasure with them?

If the answer is yes, then you're probably not ace. If it's HECK NO, you probably are ace.

 

Would you feel like an important aspect of intimacy was missing from your romantic relationships if your partner/s NEVER wanted sex (in which case you could be sexual), or would you actually be happier to have a sexless relationship than one that requires sex? (Which would definitely indicate asexuality)

 

Hope that helps :)

 

 

 

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Flump222
11 hours ago, Anthraxite_Vampreza said:

Just a thought, but are you diagnosed with, or have you ever considered you may have, OCD?

I do have OCD tendencies and anxiety.

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œddy

Apologies if I'm hijacking this thread, but I'm in a similar situation to @Flump222 and it is getting a bit tiring, I do feel like I'm trying to fit myself into a box sometimes. I'm not labelling myself because I need a label, I'm looking for some explanation as to why I feel the way I do

 

On 10/13/2018 at 3:27 AM, FictoCannibal. said:

Do you ever actively desire to connect with certain other people sexually, so you can experience sexual and/or emotional pleasure with them?

If the answer is yes, then you're probably not ace. If it's HECK NO, you probably are ace.

 

Would you feel like an important aspect of intimacy was missing from your romantic relationships if your partner/s NEVER wanted sex (in which case you could be sexual), or would you actually be happier to have a sexless relationship than one that requires sex? (Which would definitely indicate asexuality)

 

Hope that helps :)

I've seen you post this before. While its re-affirming as it entirely describes how I've always felt, I still don't feel that I fit the common definition of lacking sexual attraction - of which the definitions are many and varied ..

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Ficto.
42 minutes ago, œddy said:

I've seen you post this before. While its re-affirming as it entirely describes how I've always felt, I still don't feel that I fit the common definition of lacking sexual attraction - of which the definitions are many and varied ..

The way sexual attraction is commonly defined by asexuals is completely inaccurate, hence why you are left questioning! You have no idea how often I have seen this issue come up as a result of the many wildly inaccurate definitions of sexual attraction flying around the place, which are almost always perpetuated by young asexual people with little to no sexual experience. The way sexual people around here (including myself) define sexual attraction, and the way we explain what drives us sexually, will be far more accurate than any definition an asexual who has never experienced sexual attraction can give you. :o They may mean well, but they're often spreading inaccurate information that only leads to more pain and confusion for those questioning their sexuality. 

 

Sexual attraction manifests in all sorts of ways for all sorts of different people but the one thing that is common between all sexual people is an innate desire to connect sexually with certain people, at least sometimes. Many sexuals actually also can experience a type of sexual attraction with NO desire to have sex with the person they find attractive, and I've noticed many aces experience this same type of attraction (my ace ex included). My ace ex could still find women beautiful, could love the shape of breasts and a curvy body etc, could even become aroused from such things, he just had no desire (EVER) for that arousal or attraction to actually lead to sexual interaction. To him, anything below the waist would detract from intimacy, not enhance it. I've met so many aces who feel this way in my time here :)

 

It's also worth noting that as you're on AVEN, their official definition of sexual attraction should be something you take note of! The way AVEN defines sexual attraction in their official FAQ is: the desire for sexual contact with someone else. And that really is all that matters when it comes down to it. It may not be the BEST definition of sexual attraction, but it does sum up perfectly the fundamental difference between sexuals and aces. Sexuals desire partnered sexual contact with others (for sexual and/or emotional pleasure) and asexuals don't. So if you take that into account, then the official AVEN definition of asexuality is: an asexual is someone who has no desire for sexual contact with other people.

 

If you ever see an asexual trying to insist that sexual attraction is all about 'being turned on by the appearance of other people and wanting sex with them based on that reaction to their appearance' (or something similar) please rest assured that they have misunderstood the most fundamental factor in being a sexual person. Only SOME sexual people desire sexual intimacy as a result of finding someone hot or whatever. Many desire sexual intimacy as a result of a romantic bond, as an aspect of romantic love, some just love sex and couldn't care less who they have it with, with no consideration to appearance, some sexual people have sex as an intimate activity with friends without caring about the appearance of their friends. Many sexual people actually find it quite shallow when someone places appearance above all other factors when seeking a sexual partner!! The one thing all these experiences have in common though is that their is an underlying desire to connect sexually with others under some circumstances.

 

Sexual attraction is the type of attraction that draws you to engage in sex with someone else for pleasure, regardless of which factors determine how you choose who you have sex with. 

 

Hopefully that helps ^_^:cake:

 

 

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œddy
3 minutes ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Hopefully that helps :)

 

Hey, it really does, thanks for taking the time to write that 🤗

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Ficto.
Just now, œddy said:

Hey, it really does, thanks for taking the time to write that 🤗

I typed it all on my phone so I didn't notice some typos until after I had posted it :o I have fixed them all now (I hope) so if you refresh the page you should be able to read it without all the muck-ups, haha.. it's so tricky typing on my phone!! :cake:

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Anthracite_Impreza
21 hours ago, Flump222 said:

I do have OCD tendencies and anxiety.

I'm not an expert in OCD; are you having any treatment for it?

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Flump222
3 hours ago, Anthraxite_Vampreza said:

I'm not an expert in OCD; are you having any treatment for it?

Well, I'm medicated for my anxiety. My tendencies aren't bad enough to really require treatment though.

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Flump222
5 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Sexual attraction is the type of attraction that draws you to engage in sex with someone else for pleasure, regardless of which factors determine how you choose who you have sex with. 

 

Hopefully that helps ^_^:cake:

 

 

Thank you, this helps me quite a bit as well. The weird definition of sexual attraction has always stumped me, and although I'm not quite sure yet, this really pushes me in the right direction. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
54 minutes ago, Flump222 said:

Well, I'm medicated for my anxiety. My tendencies aren't bad enough to really require treatment though.

Respectfully, I disagree with you there. If the asexuality issue keeps going round and round in your head and won't stop, like you say and we have seen over the last year, I would say that's a pretty extreme compulsion.

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gisiebob

obessing over not doing something is still obessing over something. have you tried not obessing? the just for fun threads are not that far away

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Ficto.
6 hours ago, Flump222 said:

Thank you, this helps me quite a bit as well. The weird definition of sexual attraction has always stumped me, and although I'm not quite sure yet, this really pushes me in the right direction. 

Good luck! ^_^ :cake: 

 

Also if you have any other questions, you could ask me here. I'm a sexual person, so I KNOW what it feels like to be sexual, but I also spent until I was 28 believing I was asexual, and living as an asexual. I also have had an asexual partner, and have been actively involved with AVEN on a daily basis since 2013 so I have a good background of knowledge when it comes to what makes someone asexual compared to what makes them sexual. I might be able to help if you have any specific questions you're still confused about. :) 

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œddy
9 minutes ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Good luck! ^_^ :cake: 

 

Also if you have any other questions, you could ask me here. I'm a sexual person, so I KNOW what it feels like to be sexual, but I also spent until I was 28 believing I was asexual, and living as an asexual. I also have had an asexual partner, and have been actively involved with AVEN on a daily basis since 2013 so I have a good background of knowledge when it comes to what makes someone asexual compared to what makes them sexual. I might be able to help if you have any specific questions you're still confused about. :) 

Your experience makes you a treasure of a resource! :) 

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Ficto.
4 minutes ago, œddy said:

Your experience makes you a treasure of a resource! :) 

Haha thank you, some people prefer to call me an annoying know-it-all who just won't shut up, I like 'treasure of a resource' much better :P

 

Let's eat some icecream cake 😍

 

Image result for cherry ripe ice cream cake

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Flump222

 

42 minutes ago, FictoCannibal. said:

Good luck! ^_^ :cake: 

 

Also if you have any other questions, you could ask me here. I'm a sexual person, so I KNOW what it feels like to be sexual, but I also spent until I was 28 believing I was asexual, and living as an asexual. I also have had an asexual partner, and have been actively involved with AVEN on a daily basis since 2013 so I have a good background of knowledge when it comes to what makes someone asexual compared to what makes them sexual. I might be able to help if you have any specific questions you're still confused about. :) 

Okay, thank you! Would it be okay if I dm'd you with any questions I had? I think a chat with you would really help.

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Lucinda

You have more questions after those very thorough posts? 😐

Lucinda

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Flump222
2 hours ago, Lucinda said:

You have more questions after those very thorough posts? 😐

 

Lucinda

Yeah. This is very difficult for me, and it will definitely take a lot to change my thinking on this subject. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
4 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:

some people prefer to call me an annoying know-it-all who just won't shut up

*raises hand*

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Ficto.
4 hours ago, Flump222 said:

 

Okay, thank you! Would it be okay if I dm'd you with any questions I had? I think a chat with you would really help.

You can send me a message sure, I'm not that good with DMs so it might take me a little while to respond but I will do my best :)

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