SapphireSkylines

Should I accept my asexuality?

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SapphireSkylines

Hey there, popping back onto the forums after a long time of being inactive! So I'm about 98% sure that I'm ace and have had these feelings since my late teens, early twenties. My old therapist also helped me realize that it was most likely due to trauma that I had during my senior year of high school. My old therapist, who retired and my new therapist both say that they think I can change and recover from my trauma. My mom seems to think so too even though deep in my heart I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.

 

Should I not give up and try to seek treatment or should I just accept that I am asexual? I've been in a pretty serious relationship for six months and I haven't had sex with my boyfriend yet. He hasn't mentioned the idea of having sex since we went on vacation in June but I have a feeling that he might want to have sex eventually. I don't want to lose him but at the same time I don't want to push myself to do something I don't want to do. 

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Kumoku

I mean, if it's negatively interferring with your life (causing you anxiety with romantic relationships, giving you nightmares, topics of super uncomfortable conversations with others, etc.) sure, use therapy to work your way through it, but if it's just another part of your life that doesn't nessacarily (however you bloody spell that word) add a "positive or negative" to your life, it's just there, nothing much to do about it. 

 

It's totally normal to explore your sexuality. Don't feel shame or guilt with it. 

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MichaelTannock

How can your Mom and Therapists be so sure that this is related to trauma?

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SapphireSkylines
9 minutes ago, Kumoku said:

I mean, if it's negatively interferring with your life (causing you anxiety with romantic relationships, giving you nightmares, topics of super uncomfortable conversations with others, etc.) sure, use therapy to work your way through it, but if it's just another part of your life that doesn't nessacarily (however you bloody spell that word) add a "positive or negative" to your life, it's just there, nothing much to do about it. 

 

It's totally normal to explore your sexuality. Don't feel shame or guilt with it. 

Yeah that's the thing, I don't have nightmares about my trauma and the romantic relationship I have is perfectly healthy. The only anxiety I have is worrying how my boyfriend would react if I told him I asexual. We sort of had a talk but it was more along the lines of "I don't feel like having sex right now but that might change.". I also don't think there's really any topic of conversation makes me uncomfortable either. 

 

5 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

How can your Mom and Therapists be so sure that this is related to trauma?

I was in a situation, the summer going into my senior year where I was pressured by my ex boyfriend multiple times to have sex, I eventually just gave in and said yes and a lot of things about the situation really made me traumatized and upset. That's all I'm really willing to share but since that time my interest in sex significantly dropped. I masturbated regularly, and that dropped to only once or twice a year after the incident so it made me and them believe it was related to the trauma. Maybe not.  

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Nowhere Girl
52 minutes ago, SapphireSkylines said:

I was in a situation, the summer going into my senior year where I was pressured by my ex boyfriend multiple times to have sex, I eventually just gave in and said yes and a lot of things about the situation really made me traumatized and upset. That's all I'm really willing to share but since that time my interest in sex significantly dropped. I masturbated regularly, and that dropped to only once or twice a year after the incident so it made me and them believe it was related to the trauma. Maybe not.  

I'm not a psychologist, but for me it looks like a higher probability that you could have been asexual anyway.

Besides, is it relevant at all? A person has a right to accept their sexual orientation regardless of its reasons. I fully accept my asexuality and would never like to become sex-indifferent even though my asexuality is in all likelihood not inborn, but is an effect of chronic illness and resulting nudity aversion.

 

May I recommend a text? The author argues that "sexual healing" should not be the only option presented to survivors of sexual trauma:

Keep Your Acephobia Out of #MeToo Conversations, Jaclyn Friedman

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SapphireSkylines
4 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I'm not a psychologist, but for me it looks like a higher probability that you could have been asexual anyway.

Besides, is it relevant at all? A person has a right to accept their sexual orientation regardless of its reasons. I fully accept my asexuality and would never like to become sex-indifferent even though my asexuality is in all likelihood not inborn, but is an effect of chronic illness and resulting nudity aversion.

 

May I recommend a text? The author argues that "sexual healing" should not be the only option presented to survivors of sexual trauma:

Keep Your Acephobia Out of #MeToo Conversations, Jaclyn Friedman

I'll take a look at that article. Thanks! 

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TheAP

If your trauma is causing you distress, you might want to seek healing for that. But there is nothing wrong with being asexual. If you develop sexual attraction in the future, that's fine, but it might also be important to come to accept that this might be just the way you are.

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Philip027
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even though deep in my heart I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of my life.

This is really what matters the most; you have a better idea of this than any therapist who's not you could.

 

It's still worthwhile though to try to work through your trauma.  Asexual or not, trauma ain't good.

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Tunes

Usually trauma doesn't affect your sexual attraction; it affects your level of repulsion (which can often be hard to distinguish). Ultimately, I don't believe sexual orientation can change based on trauma (though trauma can override orientation, in a way). If the trauma itself is causing you distress, that's a good reason to go to therapy, but just because asexuality might be inconvenient is not. 

 

Ultimately, I don't think changing your (a)sexuality should be the goal either way. I think going into therapy with the goal of changing sexual orientation (regardless of whether or not it could be/was caused by trauma) is a very bad idea and could do more damage than good. If you go to therapy, it's possible that your opinions about sex will change (if it really is just trauma and not orientation). But the reason you should go and your goal for going should be to help you cope with your trauma and move past it, to give yourself less distress. Therapy is never a good idea just because you "might need to be fixed". If you are functioning fine and your trauma does not cause you distress, then I think you are handling things fine and there is no need to stress yourself out over it. 

 

In summary, yes I do think that you should just accept your asexuality. If therapy changes your feelings about sex, then you can drop the label at that time, and if it doesn't, then it doesn't. Either way, your goal should be working through your trauma (if it causes you distress; if not, therapy is not needed), not changing your (a)sexuality. 

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Nowhere Girl
5 hours ago, Tunes said:

 

Ultimately, I don't think changing your (a)sexuality should be the goal either way. I think going into therapy with the goal of changing sexual orientation (regardless of whether or not it could be/was caused by trauma) is a very bad idea and could do more damage than good.

But what if some therapists just don't accept the idea that asexuality is an orientation and regard it as a pathological symptom?

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Tunes
29 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But what if some therapists just don't accept the idea that asexuality is an orientation and regard it as a pathological symptom?

Then it's probably a bad therapist. Either way, you can always remind them that you don't care about that symptom. Redirect the therapist back to the problem at hand. 

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Sally

You can seek therapy for your experience of trauma.  However, there is no "treatment" for asexuality, just as there is no  treatment for being heterosexual or homosexual.  Those are orientations, not medical  or psychological  conditions.  

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Starlit Sky

I'm in a very similar situation at this point. Even though I've been "different" all my life, and if I spilled out my entire life story just about everyone here would think that I'm asexual, that I've always been asexual, I no longer think that's what's happening. I think I've been repressing any possibility of my sexuality for a very long time. And if we're being real here, there's a good enough possibility that that's what you're doing, too.

 

In saying that, I'm not claiming to know you. Maybe you would be asexual . . . but for a long time I felt like I was always like that, that I would always be like that. Just keep in mind that some things change.

 

BUT! I will say this.

 

You're saying that you were traumatized. If there's anything I've learned, it's that even if your trauma isn't affecting you much right now, it will later on. 😕 If you feel that you underwent a trauma, that's definitely an early warning sign and, yes, I believe you need to work through it, regardless of whether or not you think it will "awaken" your sexuality or some such.

 

On 10/12/2018 at 8:58 AM, SapphireSkylines said:

He hasn't mentioned the idea of having sex since we went on vacation in June but I have a feeling that he might want to have sex eventually.

Unless he's actually asexual himself, yes, he absolutely will. And you SHOULD NOT have sex unless you're willing, but it is something he will want to do. . . . Better to accept that now than delay understanding it later. v_v

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