RogueB

New, please help

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RogueB

I'm going to copy this from my intro post-

 

Hello!

 

Very happy to see an awesome looking group of supportive people here :)

 

So, I don't know what I am... I have a feeling I may be somewhat asexual, but I don't know.

 

I'm 32 and I've never had a physically intimate relationship with anyone. I want a relationship, I just have not found someone I feel compatible with. I think part of it is because of no experience, I get anxious as I want my partner to enjoy it, whenever that eventually happens.

 

I'm pretty sure, and my therapist agreed, I likely have an anxious/avoidant attachment disorder. I desperately want a relationship, especially physically. Yet whenever that beings to happen, I freak out. On a level that makes no sense. It's complicated 😢 also i find physical touch irritating.

 

so the thing I've always hated myself for, thinking its some kind of shallowness, is I rarely am sexually attracted to men (not interested in women). Sometimes I think they're hot and get sexual attraction, and others, no. (Current celeb crush is Sebastian Stan, if I have any kind of type, its like him). Mostly its just 'hey, this person is cool, but I'm not feeling anything.'

 

I started actually looking into asexuality, and I'm now wondering... is that what is happening?

 

I have a very high sex drive, I want to be attracted to guys, I want a relationship, I want sex. Yet, no matter what I do, I get a response of 'meh' with nearly all of them. I can super want a relationship with someone, and feel no physical attraction to them. Its always made me feel horrible.

 

Recently as well, I had someone admit they had feelings for me, and I feel the same for them. Its crazy how we compliment each other personality wise. Again though, I'm not feeling physical attraction and its making me super upset. I want to, but I cant. 

 

I just don't know what to think, other than I'm really broken. I'm terrified, I want this to work, but I don't know how to cope with this.

 

I'm hoping you can help me. Thank you!

 

---

 

so some people suggested I may be gray. any thoughts?

 

Also, has anyone been able to deal with being physical with a partner when you can't get yourself sexually attracted to them? How? ;_; 

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Rey129

Hey Rogue,

 

Now, I don't know how much help I'll be because the most I've desired any romantic or sexual relationship with anyone would be curiosity than any actual desire to be with a person.  However, from what you described, it does sound like you might be grey, which is when you experience sexual attraction some of the time, or in specific conditions.  But, from what I've read, your desire for sex is not unheard of, even in aces.  Again, not from personal experience, but I have heard of people who experience no sexual attraction, but still find sex enjoyable.  I can assure you that you aren't broken.  You just don't fit the mold that our hetero/sexualnormative societies expect of us, and that is a-ok!

 

I hope that what little I could provide is helpful, and I hope everything works out!  Take care!

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roland.o

Hello @RogueB, welcome to the AVEN forums :cake::D

 

You seem to put a lot of pressure on yourself. And that pressure extends to possible relationships. That's not good for you, and that's not good for possible relationships.

 

9 hours ago, RogueB said:

Recently as well, I had someone admit they had feelings for me, and I feel the same for them. Its crazy how we compliment each other personality wise. Again though, I'm not feeling physical attraction and its making me super upset. I want to, but I cant.

Stick to what you feel, and try to ease the pressure. Tell the other person that you like them, but that it's not physical. Let them decide whether they want to spend time with you under these circumstances. And if they do, enjoy the time as it happens, instead of getting upset that it doesn't happen on a physical level. Getting upset will only ruin the things that you could have with them.

 

9 hours ago, RogueB said:

I'm 32 and I've never had a physically intimate relationship with anyone. I want a relationship, I just have not found someone I feel compatible with.

I had my first relationship and physical intimacy with 48. I also thought for decades that I want a relationship, but hadn't found the right person yet. Things changed only when I hit bottom and figured out that I had to open up to people before and without having met the right person.

 

9 hours ago, RogueB said:

I think part of it is because of no experience, I get anxious as I want my partner to enjoy it, whenever that eventually happens.

I know that feeling. I wished to be the perfect partner for the right person, once I found them. But all along, I became more secluded and less capabale of actually forming relationships. As long as I tried to be perfect, I was building up a mask, playing a role, for the potential partner that I never met. It doesn't work that way. I had to open up, and meet with someone who liked me despite my imperfections. We're all humans, none of us is perfect. And if you were perfect, your future partner would feel insufficient.

 

Accept your own shortcomings, and look for a partner who has their own shortcomings in exchange. Take things slowly. And don't expect to meet your final partner on the first attempt. Bonding, forming relationships, is a skill that needs some practice. Don't shoot for perfection. Look for somebody to spend enjoyable time with. And then enjoy it while it lasts.

 

9 hours ago, RogueB said:

also i find physical touch irritating.

That also needs practice. And trust. Take things slowly, get used to them over time.

 

Please apologize if I have projected too much of my own past into your story. Just pick the advice that sounds applicable for your situation. I hope there's something at least :cake::D

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wonderflonium

Hey RogueB,

As someone who identifies as grey, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying about not finding many people sexually attractive, but also dealing with a sex drive. Also yes, Sebastian Stan. :)

There's a lot of good advice here already - go slow, be mindful of your boundaries, and be accepting of yourself. This all helps with the anxiety around relationships and intimacy.
You can have a physical relationship if you want one - but you need to find what works for you, and what you're comfortable with. Someone said it here before - and I'm sorry I can't remember who is was - but for some of us sex is like bowling. It may not be our favourite thing, but if the person we like really likes bowling, we'll go bowling with them. That's certainly how I feel about it - I wouldn't be sad if I never went bowling again, but if someone wants to go bowling with me, and I care about them, I'll go bowling. Perhaps that shifts me over into the "demi" category, but even in the one situation this happened in, I still wasn't sexually attracted to the person, but I was aesthetically, romantically, and sensually attracted.

This is major though - you'll want to feel comfortable and safe in the situation. Never push yourself into a situation you're not ready for - it's doubtful that it will go well if you're doing something you don't want to do. It's best to have a partner who is understanding of the extra hurdles you may need to jump (and WANT to jump). A lack of sexual attraction can be tricky, but it's not impossible, especially if other forms of attraction are there.  Communication is key. My personal rule is if I don't feel comfortable communicating about stuff like this with a partner, then we're not ready for any next steps physically. That doesn't mean you need to halt the whole relationship, but at least take measures to work through why you can't talk to them about something that is part of who you are.
 

And of course, this is my own personal experience based on my specific type of greysexuality - I know it's different for others, and very different for other aces out there.

Good luck!

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