omgimace

Questioning things, venting and all

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omgimace

So hello, I guess

The fact that today is the National Coming Out Day is kinda building some more pressure about my identity and all that.

I have no idea how to start. Like sure, I know for certain I'm asexual (sex-repulsed one) but about romantic stuff I just

have no idea...
Well my life right now is pretty much the mix of identity and existential crisis and ironically saying "yay" yay

I never questioned my gender, that was like "okay fine whatever i'm a girl i suppose yay"

Okay this all is so random, sorry for that, person reading this...

For example, before I loved films where people were like loving each other quietly and stuff, or when I shipped characters it was like yaaaay but I always was like NOOO DON'T KISS and then I felt like meh things are ruined now...

Also I wouldn't call the "feelings" I had ~in love~ or people a ~crush~ because I just kinda enjoyed quietly liking someone and I usually idealized them and in primary school I was like "yeah it would be awsome if this person was there for me" but only like a friend hmm
But I feel like I am capable of love and all that but at the same time I'm not ???

I keep questioning myself cliche things like "oh maybe it's all because your parents' marriage is not functional and all"

But lately, since some people *guys* were creepy on the internet (because oops i am nice, sorry about that) I feel like NOPE I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH PEOPLE OR RELATIONSHIPS BYE BYE

Like one person was my online friend that was ?in love? with me and I was like NOPE and I told him about being asexual and all and it ended up being one of those "something's wrong with you" people. But blahblah somehow it ended up being a chat about relationship and all and (okay I'll go away from social media if that person ever reads this) I opened up my heart and told the things I thought that I'm not for relationships and that I would be clingy or jealous or something like that even if I was in relationship and the person was "but I have urges blah blah I'll help you with your clingy-ness but I have urges blahblah send nudes" SO YAY AWSOME THAT WAS LIKE ONE THING I NEVER WANTED TO HEAR FROM YOU AND HERE IT IS WOW

Other creepy people didn't hurt me much, they were just creepy and I was nice because I just don't know how to make people go away.
There was one person at youth exchange and after a few days we were exchanging facebook profile names and then poof when we were fb friends that person was just being creepy and spamming me with messages how he likes me and all and later he kept following me around. And at some point we had like ice-breaker kind of thing whatever and we all set on chairs and OF COURSE that person sat behind me and blah blah that whole thing turned into a train where people were massaging the person in the front and I feel so awful even remembering it and yay I feel like vomiting

*blah blah a few more stories about creepy guys* okay enough I guess

But that was always assumed, right? At least here where I live... Heteronormativity.

So meanwhile *all of this what I wrote was happening in the past few years - high school + a little more than a year*

So at the same time I was like OOKAY MAYBE I'M NOT STRAIGHT I MEAN MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?

And I was wondering... maybe I'm into girls or something hmm *plot twist: i never felt a thing about a girl* (random fact: that's kinda all i thought okay people are either straight or gay)

But that's the problem, I am not and I was not any of that so I kept wondering what could I be...

Of course I started watching more tv shows, and informed myself more so I knew more things (but nothing about asexuality)

At some point I decided NAAAH OKAY I'M OVERTHINKING THIS NOW I'LL JUST RELAX AND WHATEVER HAPPENS HAPPENS

Plot twist: nothing happened

Maybe in 4th year of high school I read somewhere that asexuality exists and I was kinda like "maybe... naaah" and put that thought away.

So one day a weird moment came where I had some sort of "crush" but not really a crush on a girl. Actually I just felt connected and like "wow this person is awsome" so not a crush I guess... But I had a thought at some point that it would be so wonderful if we kissed (I have no idea what that was) and that feeling never happened again.

So after high school I was researching more about (a)sexuality and I was finding myself in descriptions and I did random internet tests about sexuality and they said "asexual", but I didn't take it too seriously. It was all just sitting somewhere at the back of my mind...

But this year I kinda officially realized that I was ace so yay (real yay this time) but HA HA PLOT TWIST: THERE'S ALSO ROMANTIC ATTRACTION AND PLATONIC AND SENSUAL like okay yay more overthinking... And I have no idea who I am...

Sometimes I even think "maybe i'm not actually ace and if i say i am people will be like WHAT THE... and they'll avoid me or think less of me" and sometimes (super rarely) I thought okay why am I ace like WHY WHY it would be so much easier being gay, even some lgbtq+ people exclude us so what is the point

But some times I'm glad, like yay no drama and all that haHA no kids no suffering after a break-up (okay these are really random examples).

And I'm not really ~out~, 4/5 family members know, I told my roomate but she's like NAAAH and I guess that's it. Yeah actually I casually outed on twitter but maybe 2 people noticed it *i think one of them is ace* but I don't use twitter anymore and I was anonymous there so that's like nobody knows. (yeah some really ignorant people there, but also a lot of my internet friends).

Okay this was super long and super random and my brain is just throwing these words I have no idea what it looks like and if anyone actually read it congrats *gives you imaginary cake*

This is actually only place where I have anonymous profile so thanks, AVEN and internet of course.

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RosePhoenix
15 minutes ago, omgimace said:

And at some point we had like ice-breaker kind of thing whatever and we all set on chairs and OF COURSE that person sat behind me and blah blah that whole thing turned into a train where people were massaging the person in the front and I feel so awful even remembering it and yay I feel like vomiting

I am with ya here, that sounds so gross and uncomfortable. 

 

I did read all your post, it was pretty entertaining actually. I've also had alot of similar thoughts to many of the ones you mention. 

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omgimace
7 minutes ago, RosePhoenix said:

I am with ya here, that sounds so gross and uncomfortable. 

 

I did read all your post, it was pretty entertaining actually. I've also had alot of similar thoughts to many of the ones you mention. 

awwww thank you

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The Angel of Eternity

@omgimace Hello! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰!

 

That seems difficult to have to handle. I cannot relate to most of those experiences but I'm wishing you well figuring things out!

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omgimace
7 minutes ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

@omgimace Hello! Welcome to heAVEN! Have an infinite amount of 🍰!

 

That seems difficult to have to handle. I cannot relate to most of those experiences but I'm wishing you well figuring things out!

thanks, have a nice cake !

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disneydork

First of all thank you for the imaginary cake which i can only assume has a buttload of chocolate!😝

 

Second the plot twist is so real! For me it felt good to realize that being ace didn't mean i had to be straight so all the possibilities made me feel less trapped in a box. But the realization as well of there being so many possibilities in general and all these different attractions and new words that came with it was just so. Fricking. Confusing. So i understand the idea of having no clue who you are because i have no idea who i am either. Right now, aceness aside, i'm going off of assumptions and what's closest to possibly right as opposed to what is right. Because it's THAT confusing. And it would be so much easier if...i dunno, maybe there were less words because less words and less ideas and less possibilities mean less confusion? Or maybe if there was a way the romantic orientations and the attractions could be answered as easily.

 

I mean i know none of that probably helps at all because i'm just as confused so i'm one of the last people to even have the right or knowledge to say remotely anything. 😝  I guess though my main point was to just state that you are not the only one feeling that way. Or who overthinks. Or has people actually notice something you say online. Or blabs on in a super long post. You get the idea 😝  In the meantime have some cake!

 

Chocolate-Peanut-Butter-Cake-with-MMs-sq

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omgimace
16 minutes ago, disneydork said:

First of all thank you for the imaginary cake which i can only assume has a buttload of chocolate!😝

 

Second the plot twist is so real! For me it felt good to realize that being ace didn't mean i had to be straight so all the possibilities made me feel less trapped in a box. But the realization as well of there being so many possibilities in general and all these different attractions and new words that came with it was just so. Fricking. Confusing. So i understand the idea of having no clue who you are because i have no idea who i am either. Right now, aceness aside, i'm going off of assumptions and what's closest to possibly right as opposed to what is right. Because it's THAT confusing. And it would be so much easier if...i dunno, maybe there were less words because less words and less ideas and less possibilities mean less confusion? Or maybe if there was a way the romantic orientations and the attractions could be answered as easily.

 

I mean i know none of that probably helps at all because i'm just as confused so i'm one of the last people to even have the right or knowledge to say remotely anything. 😝  I guess though my main point was to just state that you are not the only one feeling that way. Or who overthinks. Or has people actually notice something you say online. Or blabs on in a super long post. You get the idea 😝  In the meantime have some cake!

 

Chocolate-Peanut-Butter-Cake-with-MMs-sq

thank you so much, but wow i relate to all of this and ugh i hope we'll figure things out

and of course some part of my brain was like "okay how and why would YOU be the only person on this planet experiencing something" but i sure felt like that and now i'm glad i'm not alone so thanks again AND another cake for you (i don't want to look at the pictures because i'll get hungry) so imaginary cake it is

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disneydork

@omgimace i hope we will, too! 😝  Same honestly. Especially me not knowing/being friends with anyone remotely lgbtqia it makes it even harder to feel like there's other people dealing with this and being so confused as well. But i'm glad it makes you feel better remotely on some level.

 

Yesssss more cake! -grabs cake to save in fridge and stuff face tomorrow which totally won't regret at all- And so you don't get hungry have a Stitch with a plushie cake instead! 😝

stitch_cake_plushie_1415607326_496e8006.

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omgimace
8 minutes ago, disneydork said:

@omgimace i hope we will, too! 😝  Same honestly. Especially me not knowing/being friends with anyone remotely lgbtqia it makes it even harder to feel like there's other people dealing with this and being so confused as well. But i'm glad it makes you feel better remotely on some level.

 

Yesssss more cake! -grabs cake to save in fridge and stuff face tomorrow which totally won't regret at all- And so you don't get hungry have a Stitch with a plushie cake instead! 😝

stitch_cake_plushie_1415607326_496e8006.

awwwwwww so cute

and yeah even meeting someone ace on the internet is WOW

(okay i'm just quoting things because why not)

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disneydork

@omgimace I mean i'm a disneydork so should probably expect something disney related from me lol. 

 

And yes exactly! At this point i'm kinda convinced any aces just exist on the internet (including me, i only exist online because i'm invisible everywhere else 😝) So now we can be confused as fudge together!

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omgimace

@disneydork awww yay it's the same for me so oh well THANK YOU, INTERNET and yaaay let's be super confused together

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