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Bookworm283

Ace or just sex repulsed?

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Bookworm283

So I could really use some adivce as I've been questioning my sexuality for a while now because I'm 31 and still a virgin, and am absolutely terrified to have sex. I have totally had crushes but I've never thought about any of those crushes "Oh, I would totally and happily have sex with him." I would have been happy to hug, cuddle, or even kiss or make out, but I just have never had any interest in getting genitals involved because it sounds disgusting and weird and painful. "Sex repulsed" is definitely a term that would apply to me. Because of this, I've mostly avoided dating aside from a few guys I've met through online dating and went on a few dates with, but none of those worked out, and I only kissed one of them, once, when I was 22 (well, it was more that he kissed me, but I was totally okay with it). 

 

So yeah I've mostly avoided dating because I don't want to get attached and then have to break up because I just can't fathom happily having sex. And while for the most part, I've been pretty happy- a lot of other things are going pretty well in my life like my career, friends, etc- I do get lonely sometimes, and wish I had a special person to spend my life with, and you know, also maybe kissing (that's the part that throws me off, kissing=totally sounds cool, sex=nooooooooo)

 

And to even complicate things more, a couple years ago I met a woman about my age and I think I had a bit of a crush on her, and have had a crush on a couple other women since then. So now there's the possibility that I'm biromantic or bisexual.

 

Sorry this is sort of rambly- I guess my question is: How do I tell if I'm actually asexual or if I'm just so sex-repulsed that I'm just like sure, asexual is close enough? I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship with a sexual person, I won't be enough for them, but I'm also afraid that if by some miracle I were to find an asexual person to date, what if I change once I'm actually experiencing physical closeness with someone for the firs time? What if I get over my fear and realize I'm demisexual or something?? Then again, I recently saw an OBGYN for the first time (I know, I should have been a while ago) and while I know it's not a pleasant experience for anyone, I freaked out so much that she had to use only a qtip and I still found that to be quite painful (she was very kind and understanding about it at least), so I'm not even sure I could physically have sex without pain. 

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated! I feel like at 31 I should have this figured out by now and I honestly feel more confused than ever.

 

 

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TheAP

If you never feel the desire to have sex with anyone else, it sounds like you are asexual. It is possible that you will develop sexual attraction in the future, but it's okay to identify as asexual even if you're not completely sure. You don't have to do anything sexual that you don't want to.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Yeah, you sound ace to me too since you don't actually have any desire to have sex. It isn't that you're conflicted by wanting it but being grossed out, you don't want it and you're grossed out (which is very common round here). Honestly I wouldn't overthink it; as long as you're honest with any future partners you can explore in the knowledge that they're a willing and informed participant, and if you aren't compatible? Well it's not the end of the world, you both knew it was a possibility.

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Nowhere Girl

I have recently participated in a few discussions on similar topics and my opinion is that intense sex aversion/repulsion results in effective asexuality. This is also my own experience. For me sex aversion comes before asexuality, is its cause and not its effect. I don't think that I was born asexual, but I'm effectively asexual because my sex aversion is strong enough to make me completely unable to desire sex. (Note that I use the term "sex aversion" only because I don't feel any general aversion to sex not involving myself - it shouldn't imply that aversion is necesserily a mild feeling. I have never had sex, but I feel intense fear and distress at the thought of personally having sex.) I absolutely don't regret it, on the contrary - I'm also sex-averse enough to experience the very idea of not being sex-averse as distressing. The idea of being sex-indifferent feels like being unprotected.

However, in my case it may have slightly different reasons. For example, I don't even have any tiniest level of ability to subject myself to an examination by a kind of doctor you mentioned. This is so extremely horrifying that it makes me want to scream. I don't mind the pain issue so much - probably because I'm homoaffectional anyway and lesbian sex is very often non-penetrative and thus not necessarily painful. Still, I'm distressed by the idea of having sex with anyone, of any gender, because the core of my sex aversion is my nudity aversion. Or maybe rather: I experience my nudity aversion like a force field surrounding my asexuality and preventing sex aversion from ever getting triggered in a real situation. I may try to imagine personally having sex and it makes me shudder, it makes me feel distressed and frightened (or, sometimes, it is weaker - the idea of personally having sex just feels absurd to me) - but I have never been in a situation where having sex would be a real possibility because my aversion precludes me from desiring it or even from being able to agree to try it. (That said, I have had very few sexual proposals - but this number is non-zero. And I rejected the offers immediately without any bit of hesitation.)

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