AceVibes

Being Asexual Is Ruining My Relationship

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AceVibes

*warning, long*

So, I've never been a very sexual person to say the least. That's why I'm here. I never could relate to my friends when they gushed over sex, speaking of it as if it were this insatiable drug. Arguably, it is. Everybody's doing it, and it isn't cool to say no to drugs. It's easier to do what everyone else is doing, because as humans, we crave social acceptance and validation. When I found myself still a virgin in college, I wanted to change that because I felt lame. I also wanted to know what all the hype was about. Don't knock it until you try it, right? So, I had sex with this guy I had a crush on... a lot. Long story short, it was painful, physically and emotionally and I left that situation. Now I'm in a new situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months, but we've been hanging out and getting it on for 7 months. At first, I was determined to enjoy sex. I didn't want to accept that maybe, there was an essential piece of the puzzle missing - my own sexual desire. I've always found my boyfriend attractive... But always just "tolerated" sex. There have been times when I've kind of enjoyed it. But the more we got to know each other, the less I felt obligated to have sex to be cool or accepted. He loves me anyway - but he's still a sexual person. We almost broke up the other night over him expressing these desires to me, and I just felt as though I were being crushed under the weight of it all. I don't hate sex. I just don't want to do it. I like everything else. I like flirting. I like feeling wanted. I like cuddling. I can feel sexual energy and chemistry, but when it comes down to it, I don't want the actual sex part. I never watched porn until the other day. I felt nothing, really. I found it gross. I wish I found it hot. I wish I could call up my boyfriend, invite him over, get wine drunk and fuck like we're living in an R&B song. But that's not me. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm never going to be able to fulfill this need that my boyfriend has, and it makes me so sad.

 

TL;DR: I'm in a sexual relationship and I'm totally asexual, feeling pretty trapped. Help. 

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MichaelTannock

@AceVibes Welcome to AVEN!

 

Have you revealed to him that you are Asexual?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Anthraxite_Vampreza

Third time lucky at replying to this...

 

I know you've talked, but as Michael said, have you actually used the ace word? Have you described exactly what it means ("I don't want sex, ever, not just right now")? If you have then the ball's in his court as to whether he can handle a sexless relationship. If not, he needs to be told, completely and honestly, no holding back on the parts you know will upset him. You need to decide if you can compromise at all (long term), as does he, and if not then better to part on good terms than letting  issues fester and getting more and more miserable. There will be more compatible people out there, if you're willing to look and be patient.

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Philip027

Sounds like you wasted enough time trying to be someone you're not.  Are you ready to cut your losses and be the person you are?

 

Quote

It's easier to do what everyone else is doing, because as humans, we crave social acceptance and validation.

Do you?

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