Kaiel

New member, out of HS and struggling to find friends who understand

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Kaiel

Hi, I'm Kaiel (going by a nickname), I'm recently out of High School and I'm really struggling with a lot. 

I've quietly identified as asexual for a few years now - since early in high school. I've never really felt any sort of attraction, to anyone - except one person. It didn't bother me a lot in high school. I didn't talk about it much, and I was perfectly fine being alone. As far as I knew (and I did ask around, out of curiosity), I was the only one at my school. 

During this time, I didn't have any real friends in person - only a group of online friends who I've known since middle school. I've known them all for six years now (we met online, never met in person), though over time, our interactions have gradually dropped. We used to do skype calls all the time, play online games, text all the time - now I send texts, start calls, and almost never get a response. I'm sure they're all busy with school, but it's really hard on me. 

Furthermore, when we do, a lot of them occasionally talk about their sexual experiences. We're all between the ages of 15-23, with most of us being 17-19. Most of them are in relationships. It bothers me a lot when they talk about this stuff, especially when they bring up topics like what sexual experiences they've had. I'm slightly older than a lot of them (they're still in HS), and I never had any interest when I was their age. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and makes me feel broken. I haven't really told them this, but I dont want to offend them. 

I don't know if I'm really asexual or just jealous. I honestly wish sexual activities didn't exist at all. I don't have interest, but in a way, I feel like I should, so in a way, I do want something...

One of these friends, I like her a lot, and think I have some romantic and possibly sensual attraction (not sexual though), but she's in a relationship, and even if she wasn't, I dont think she'd ever be interested in me. We have a lot in common, but I dont think I'm good enough for her anyways, and I'm fairly certain she's very interested in sexual activities. 

Now, with these three things, I feel really trapped. I'm out of HS, no immediate plans for Uni (looking, but not sure what I want to do yet - this is another that bothers me, that I haven't figured it out yet, don't know if I'd get accepted), no job, and I've barely ever been out of the house. 

I've also got pretty severe depression and anxiety my whole life. It started getting better rapidly during the first year I knew the group, but since starting high school, it's been getting worse every year. I've just started seeing a counselor and so far it's not helping. 

I've asked a couple of my friends if they know anyone else who's ace, and none of them know anybody. I don't know a single other person. I don't know who else to turn to. 

I just want friends where I can be comfortable with, without worrying about conversations about relationships, sex, or feeling like I'm not good enough, or missing out. 

 

That was a long post... but in short, I'm out of HS, and struggling to be comfortable being asexual. Hoping I can find some comfort here.

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MichaelTannock

@Kaiel Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know any other Asexuals in real life either.
I joined AVEN because that feeling of isolation and loneliness got to me.

And it has helped a little.

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ColeHW

Welcome to AVEN!

Ay! You'll fit right in around here, I also got out of high school too.

So sit back and hang out with us and enjoy some cake!

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Lichley

Welcome!

There’s no need to rush things, everyone has their own pace. If you’re asexual then you’re asexual, if you’re not then you’re not. Asexuals can participate in sexual activities id they feel like it, or want to make their partner happy. Asexuals can have happy, fulfilling relationships with and without sex. It’s not the be all that ends all. 

 

Also, I don’t really know what I want to do for Uni myself, and I’m going to Uni next year. I just went with my best subject, because it’s quite enjoyable, and I think I could possibly get a job out of it. As for getting a job now, I tried getting a job whilst I was starting sixth form and it’s was a mistake. I couldn’t keep up with the increased workload. Don’t force yourself to get a job if you son’t need one, you’ll need the time to study to get into Uni, or get a job later on. 

 

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Rey129

Kaiel, there's nothing wrong with what you are going through.  I am currently in my 3rd year university and rethinking things, and that's with taking a year off after high school and last year.  It can be rather annoying when your friends all are having relationships and talking about sex.  But don't worry, you are not broken.  Ace is rather rare, and not many people identify or even know what it is.  I knew someone who had no idea, until I described what it was like for me, and then she said that that's how she felt. 

 

You are young, and you have time to explore your interests.  Try getting a job for now, figure out what you want to do.  There is nothing wrong with taking a winding road to lead you to what you'll eventually become, no matter how the media portrays it.  I've actually found that you'll find your true passion when you are going around those bends.

 

Image result for cake

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Anime Pancake

Heya Kaiel

 

My names pancake. Anime pancake.

 

It was enjoyable reading your intro. So you probably have a good personality. So you could probably make friends.

 

Im older than you, 28, and though Im not qualified to give advice I would suggest just trying to live life and you'll get friends and the asexual stuff wont be as important or stressful.

 

Most friends dont talk about sex often

 

You could go to community college, the classes are inexpensive so you dont have to know what you want to study. You can take basic classes, and meet new people and be productive. Or just go out more and be social.

 

Most friends, even sexual people, can have good relationships without telling people sex. So just try to do something you want to do hobbies, college, work and when you meet new friends dont worry about if they are asexual. Just enjoy the friendship.

 

If they talk about sex you can ask them not to.

 

Youre young so dont let asexuality define who you are. There are more people than your online friends from yesterday. Have fun.

 

The world can be lonely but you have to actually go out and try

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Anthraxite_Vampreza
3 hours ago, Kaiel said:

Now, with these three things, I feel really trapped. I'm out of HS, no immediate plans for Uni (looking, but not sure what I want to do yet - this is another that bothers me, that I haven't figured it out yet, don't know if I'd get accepted), no job, and I've barely ever been out of the house. 

This was exactly how I was when I left school. Now, I'm autistic as well which had a lot to do with it, but being ace, aro and not having met my snuggle-bro yet, I was extremely lonely and felt stuck. It took over a year to get back out in the real world, and I'm still struggling to catch up now. If I have one piece of advice for you it's this: don't get stuck in that rut like I did; it's incredibly hard to get out of.

 

Also, youngsters tend to talk a lot about sex, but how much they talk about it is inverse to the amount they're getting ;) They calm down eventually; most adults don't talk about such things on a regular basis because it becomes just another domestic thing they do, rather than this new and magical teenage experience. If you aren't interested you aren't missing out, any more than you're missing out on [insert sport you aren't bothered about here].

 

Welcome to AVEN :) 

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Homer

Hi and welcome :)

 

Thank you for signing up and telling us a bit more about yourself! A lot of people on here will be able to relate to your thoughts and feelings. You're definitely not the only one :) Personally I think that there are two factors to consider when it comes to teen folks talking about sex - it's a new experience for them and given that it can be quite an impactful one, it's tempting to share one's experience. Oh and the younger people are, the more of this is just pulled straight out of different orifices :D in order to seem more "mature" and "experienced" than their peers. That's something most people grow out of at some point though.

 

You might be interested in the 20+ folks chat, or maybe join us in The Chatterbox? I never thought it would be possible to make actual, real life friends on a friggen website, but I stand corrected ;)

 

Feel free to roam and read through all the forums and if you have a question, go ahead and ask! I hope you'll enjoy your time on here :)

 

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Kaiel

Thanks all for the welcome and the cake! I do like cake... 😁

 

I'm trying to convince myself that these feelings will go away and I'll be fine. But it's tough, especially after trying to believe it for all the years of high school now. I guess I'm just sorta looking for acceptance. 

I do want to try and get out more. Just not sure how to start - I've never really done anything independently, or had any close real life friends. I don't even know how to start, aside from maybe working towards university, or possibly volunteering or getting a job. Honestly I don't know what or if I could do things without my parents. In a lot of ways I feel like I haven't really grown up. 

 

I have another group of online friends who I talk to a lot more often, but I'm not as close or personal with them. I think that's what I miss about my original friend group, especially with the one girl I liked - we always got along so well, and could talk about anything. Sometimes we do skype calls still, and they're great, but in the back of my mind there's always the concern that the conversation could drift towards them talking about their relationships, and then drift to something I'm not comfortable with. I don't even know why it bothers me so much. Obviously there's a bit of jealousy with the girl and I really want to get over her, but it's tough when I've never met anyone who I felt this way about, and worse that she'll probably never feel the same way. The rest of them, I don't know. They're similar to me (they're mostly male, similar personality, common interests) and I guess I just want to fit in. Everyone from that group is really great, I care about them, they care about me, but it's just so hard.

 

Aside from all that, I don't think I'm doing too bad. I've always been into computers, and recently I've been trying to learn how to make games. I'm hoping to make my own game and publish it, and more than likely turn that into a career. I'm also trying to teach myself guitar. 

 

I'm gonna take a look through all the forums here, find my way around, maybe jump in a few threads if anything catches my interest. Thanks again for the welcome!

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