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Can you please help me understand if I’m Ace or not?


ConfusedAboutMyself

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ConfusedAboutMyself
6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Demi is a subset of gray.  If you are demi, you are potentially gray.  Some would say that demi is an expression of perfectly normal sexuality, but the thing is, the gray category is specifically for people that don't feel like they can neatly fit into either the sexual or asexual category, and many demisexual experiences result in this sort of feeling.

 

That depends whether you think "straight" must mean "heterosexual".  Maybe to most of society it does, but that's because society does not recognize things like romantic orientation.

 

To me, straight doesn't necessarily mean heterosexual.  Heterosexual means heterosexual.  As far as I'm concerned, if you look to the opposite sex for any sort of partnership that goes beyond Just Friends, that makes you straight.

 

Allosexual is just an unofficial catch-all term for someone who's not asexual.  Most people here will simply address them as sexuals, though, quite possibly because the former makes it sound like you think the allosaurus is hot.

 

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Oh ok. I did mean it in the heterosexual meaning. I’m sorry if that was confusing. 

Can you be ace and straight then? Because although I do understand and appreciate a pretty lady, it doesn’t do anything for me in a sexual way. And most of the time men don’t either but I’ve only ever wanted to date men. 

I guess I’m trying to figure out if I can be a straight graysexual or if my only wanting to date men negates the ace factor?

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I consider myself a straight ace, yes, because I am heteroromantic and therefore still potentially attracted to the opposite sex.

 

Gray heterosexual is valid, yes.  This isn't the same thing as actually being asexual though, even if it sometimes causes you to feel like you can relate to the asexual perspective.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
6 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I consider myself a straight ace, yes, because I am heteroromantic and therefore still potentially attracted to the opposite sex.

 

Gray heterosexual is valid, yes.  This isn't the same thing as actually being asexual though, even if it sometimes causes you to feel like you can relate to the asexual perspective.

Is straight demi a thing? Because I’m only attracted to people after knowing them on deeper levels (like demi) but I rarely want to act on the incredibly small libido i have (like gray right?) 

Im starting to feel more confused than I was before. 

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ace/straight/gay/bi/pan ("toward who" terms) is a separate spectrum from ace/gray/sexual ("how much" terms).  Any combination of these you can think of probably exists somewhere.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

ace/straight/gay/bi/pan ("toward who" terms) is a separate spectrum from ace/gray/sexual ("how much" terms).  Any combination of these you can think of probably exists somewhere.

Why did you list ace in both lists? 

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Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two different things. 

 

Sexual attraction is being attracted to the idea of having sex. You can be sexually attracted to men, women, both, neither, anything in between. That determines if you are heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, asexual.

 

Romantic attraction is being attracted to the idea of interacting with someone in any way that is not platonic. You can also be romantically attracted to men, women, both, neither, or anything in between. That determines if you are heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, aromantic.

 

These can be combined in pretty much any way. I am a biromantic asexual - I want to date men or women, but I want sex with nobody. A heteroromantic demisexual would want to date members of the opposite gender and have sex only with people they have an extremely strong emotional bond with. An aromantic asexual would want only platonic interactions and no sex. Etc. 

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Because ace is the zero point on both spectra.

 

If you experience sexual attraction to zero genders, you never experience sexual attraction to any people, and therefore cannot be sexual or gray.

If you experience sexual attraction none of the time, you never experience sexual attraction to any genders, and therefore cannot be straight/gay/bi/pan (at least speaking strictly of sexual orientation; you can still be straight/gay/bi/pan in a romantic sense)

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ConfusedAboutMyself

I know I’m heterosexual and romantic. I’m still uncertain if I’m gray or demi. They both feel right, and maybe that’s because demi is a sub of gray but I don’t think I can pick one as of now, which I’m kind of disappointed about since I wanted some clarification for myself 

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Romantic attraction = who you have an innate desire for nonplatonic interactions with.

     - heteroromantic: want to date members of the opposite gender.

     - homoromantic: want to date members of the same gender.

     - biromantic: want to date members of either gender.

     - panromantic: want to date anyone regardless of gender (including trans and nonbinary).

     * greyromantic: want only platonic interactions, except under very rare circumstances.

     * demiromantic: a type of greyromantic where the rare circumstance is when you are already extremely close with someone emotionally.

     + aromantic: you want only platonic relationships with people no matter what.

 

Sexual attraction = who you have an innate desire to have sex with.

     - heterosexual: want to have sex with members of the opposite gender.

     - homosexual: want to have sex with members of the same gender.

     - bisexual: want to have sex with members of either gender.

     - pansexual: want to have sex with anyone regardless of gender (including trans and nonbinary).

     * grey-asexual: never want to have sex, except under very rare circumstances.

     * demisexual: a type of grey-asexual where the rare circumstance is when you are already extremely close with someone emotionally.

     + asexual: you never want to have sex with anyone.

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ConfusedAboutMyself

 

4 minutes ago, Tunes said:

Romantic attraction = who you have an innate desire for nonplatonic interactions with.

     - heteroromantic: want to date members of the opposite gender.

     - homoromantic: want to date members of the same gender.

     - biromantic: want to date members of either gender.

     - panromantic: want to date anyone regardless of gender (including trans and nonbinary).

     * greyromantic: want only platonic interactions, except under very rare circumstances.

     * demiromantic: a type of greyromantic where the rare circumstance is when you are already extremely close with someone emotionally.

     + aromantic: you want only platonic relationships with people no matter what.

 

Sexual attraction = who you have an innate desire to have sex with.

     - heterosexual: want to have sex with members of the opposite gender.

     - homosexual: want to have sex with members of the same gender.

     - bisexual: want to have sex with members of either gender.

     - pansexual: want to have sex with anyone regardless of gender (including trans and nonbinary).

     * grey-asexual: never want to have sex, except under very rare circumstances.

     * demisexual: a type of grey-asexual where the rare circumstance is when you are already extremely close with someone emotionally.

     + asexual: you never want to have sex with anyone.

Thank you so much for this list!  I think I’m a heteroromantic demisexual; although I’d rather have a close (platonic) group of friends that I love over one person. I actually have chosen my friends over someone I’ve been seeing or rearranged dates around spending time with my best friends so I’m not sure if that would make me a heteroromantic asexual ? Or both combos; is that a thing? 

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7 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

I know I’m heterosexual and romantic. I’m still uncertain if I’m gray or demi. They both feel right, and maybe that’s because demi is a sub of gray but I don’t think I can pick one as of now, which I’m kind of disappointed about since I wanted some clarification for myself 

Then just go with grey-asexual. It's just a more vague term. It doesn't mean anything different. 

 

Let me put it into a different light for you. If you are grey-asexual, you could be:

demisexual: only sexually attracted when emotionally close

autochorissexual: only sexually attracted in fantasy format

autosexual: only sexually attracted to one's self

akiosexual: only sexually attracted as long as your feelings are not reciprocated

(Geez, these are hard to find - those are the most popular ones, but you get the point...)

 

The list goes on and on. For each different circumstance in which a person could potentially find sexual attraction, you get a new term. It really doesn't matter what kind of grey-asexual you are. 

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Wanting a close group of friends means nothing for sexual or romantic orientation. That's just normal.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
3 minutes ago, Tunes said:

Then just go with grey-asexual. It's just a more vague term. It doesn't mean anything different. 

 

Let me put it into a different light for you. If you are grey-asexual, you could be:

demisexual: only sexually attracted when emotionally close

autochorissexual: only sexually attracted in fantasy format

autosexual: only sexually attracted to one's self

akiosexual: only sexually attracted as long as your feelings are not reciprocated

(Geez, these are hard to find - those are the most popular ones, but you get the point...)

 

The list goes on and on. For each different circumstance in which a person could potentially find sexual attraction, you get a new term. It really doesn't matter what kind of grey-asexual you are. 

There’s so many different kinds! I think grey works for now until I find more out about myself. How do I explain this to partners, especially when they know I’ve been with previous partners and/or after being with them (I didn’t enjoy it mentally bc of a lack of closeness bc I was trying to force myself to be ready for it {if this is TMI or not appropriate, I’m so sorry!} but physically everything was normal) Should I keep it to myself until I understand it better?

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Orientation is just about what you feel attraction towards, not necessarily what you want or prefer; that's just natural human choices. It's a myth in society that romantic love is stronger than platonic love to begin with. Platonic love can be very strong. 

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ConfusedAboutMyself
2 minutes ago, Tunes said:

Wanting a close group of friends means nothing for sexual or romantic orientation. That's just normal.

I guess I mean in in a more serious way. If I had to choose between never having a relationship again or never having them (my bffs) in my life, it wouldn’t even be that difficult a choice bc I’d rather lose sex over them, which sounds like being a romantic to me but I do think sometimes that I’d like to have someone to grow old with in a partnership sort of way

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3 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

There’s so many different kinds! I think grey works for now until I find more out about myself. How do I explain this to partners, especially when they know I’ve been with previous partners and/or after being with them (I didn’t enjoy it mentally bc of a lack of closeness bc I was trying to force myself to be ready for it {if this is TMI or not appropriate, I’m so sorry!} but physically everything was normal) Should I keep it to myself until I understand it better?

Or you could just tell them that you're still trying to figure things out. There is nothing wrong with admitting that.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
1 minute ago, Tunes said:

Orientation is just about what you feel attraction towards, not necessarily what you want or prefer; that's just natural human choices. It's a myth in society that romantic love is stronger than platonic love to begin with. Platonic love can be very strong. 

Personally, my platonic love for my friends has always been strong than any romantic love I’ve ever felt. It’s been really close but it doesn’t ever match up or exceed it 

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ConfusedAboutMyself
1 minute ago, Tunes said:

Or you could just tell them that you're still trying to figure things out. There is nothing wrong with admitting that.

I just don’t want them to feel like they’re doing something wrong in the relationship since I’m still figuring this all out. They don’t know about this group or my questioning of what I could be since I always thought I was just straight since I’m not attracted to women (again, I can appreciate a beautiful woman but it’s not gonna do anything for me).  Plus I don’t want to hurt his feelings since I really started looking into this after we started dating (I don’t think my questioning has anything to do with him, it’s just timing but still)

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1 minute ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

I guess I mean in in a more serious way. If I had to choose between never having a relationship again or never having them (my bffs) in my life, it wouldn’t even be that difficult a choice bc I’d rather lose sex over them, which sounds like being a romantic to me but I do think sometimes that I’d like to have someone to grow old with in a partnership sort of way

You don't have to choose though. And there are romantic sexuals who would feel the same way. It's not different. It's just about priorities.

 

Again, society acts like romantic relationships are stronger or deeper, but they aren't. That's a myth. It's not even true for normal sexuals. It more depends on the person. Especially if you are talking about a group of people. Getting more pleasure from a group of friends than from an individual person is not abnormal at all. 

 

If you mean that you have ONE person that you love more than anyone else and would want to dedicate your life to but only want platonic interactions, then you could have a quasiplatonic relationship - basically a platonic marriage. But wanting that kind of relationship doesn't make you aromantic. Heck, I am VERY romantically inclined, but my life partner is aromantic and we are in a QP relationship now. And happy there. It means nothing for orientation.

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Instead of employing buzzwords that may be misinterpreted or only vaguely apply to you, it's better to just flat out say "I can potentially enjoy sex, but I still might not ever actually desire it with you; it isn't anything personal and it's just how I am.  Is that okay?" and let them go from there. 

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2 minutes ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

I just don’t want them to feel like they’re doing something wrong in the relationship since I’m still figuring this all out. They don’t know about this group or my questioning of what I could be since I always thought I was just straight since I’m not attracted to women (again, I can appreciate a beautiful woman but it’s not gonna do anything for me).  Plus I don’t want to hurt his feelings since I really started looking into this after we started dating (I don’t think my questioning has anything to do with him, it’s just timing but still)

So you can tell him that you love him, but don't feel into sex in general and you aren't sure why - you're trying to figure things out, so have patience and try not to take it personally, because it has nothing to do with him. I mean, I generally find that honesty is the best policy. Especially in romantic relationships. If he refuses to accept that, then he has the right to end the relationship, but if you tell him that it has nothing to do with him and he chooses not to believe you, that's not your fault - it's his problem. 

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Yeah, worst case scenario, he decides to leave because you won't give him sex (but if he's that type of person, is him leaving really a bad thing to begin with?). Best case scenario, he could really care and take it seriously enough to look into this stuff with you and help you experiment and figure yourself out.

 

I remember when I wasn't sure how mine worked - because I could feel sexual attraction when I fantasized about my partner, but any interactions with her in person did nothing for me sexually, and I was confused. So she (as an asexual) went out of her way and out of her comfort zone to try to help me experiment and figure out whether or not anything could bring that feeling out of my fantasies into the real world. Nothing worked and I just accepted that my sexual attraction was limited to fantasies only. And she was relieved when it was figured out, because I'm sure that was stressful for her, but she loves me and I was really upset because there was something important about myself that I wanted to make sense of, so she wanted to help. And it really did help. So that sort of thing does happen, and it's actually very much a bonding experience, trying to figure something like that out together. Not that it's common - I have no idea how common that is.

 

But worst case scenario, you should have gotten rid of him because he didn't really love you anyway, and best case scenario, you could end up having a really good bonding experience. If he really loves you, he will want to at least try to see it out, even if he doesn't offer to personally help. If it ends up putting too much pressure on him, you can direct him here - we also offer support to sexuals who have loved ones that fall on the spectrum. 

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ConfusedAboutMyself

Hi guys! It’s me again. I’ve been thinking some more and I remember someone saying that Aces can have kinks and fetishes but I didn’t understand that, since those things turn you on. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that part of my possible identity 

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10 hours ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

Hi guys! It’s me again. I’ve been thinking some more and I remember someone saying that Aces can have kinks and fetishes but I didn’t understand that, since those things turn you on. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that part of my possible identity 

Asexuals can be "turned on" by things, but just lack sexual attraction (the desire to have sex with a specific person).

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Fluffy Femme Guy
12 hours ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

Hi guys! It’s me again. I’ve been thinking some more and I remember someone saying that Aces can have kinks and fetishes but I didn’t understand that, since those things turn you on. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that part of my possible identity 

'Turned on' usually has a connotation of physical arousal as well. In my case it's mostly/completely a 'mind' thing.
It just feels nice, but I don't feel the need to 'do sex acts with someone' as  a response.

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38 minutes ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

'Turned on' usually has a connotation of physical arousal as well. In my case it's mostly/completely a 'mind' thing.
It just feels nice, but I don't feel the need to 'do sex acts with someone' as  a response.

plus physical arousal non-conformance is a very dangerous thing when its not understood

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ConfusedAboutMyself
9 minutes ago, œddy said:

plus physical arousal non-conformance is a very dangerous thing when its not understood

What’s physical arousal non conformance and why is it dangerous?

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Fluffy Femme Guy

Well it's not dangerous to one's health or anything. Can be unsettling in a mental way if you don't realize you're ace.
Basically it when someone/something arouses you physically, but you don't have a need/desire for sex.

It's one of those 'my body and mind do not agree' things, except with many aces the body acting that way on it's own can be upsetting.
"I'm physically aroused, but I don't want to be."

It can also arise from hormone fluctuations.
aces_wild___15___weird_boners_by_sallyvi
https://www.deviantart.com/sallyvinter/art/Aces-Wild-15-Weird-Boners-701113623

 

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ConfusedAboutMyself
1 minute ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

Well it's not dangerous to one's health or anything. Can be unsettling in a mental way if you don't realize you're ace.
Basically it when someone/something arouses you physically, but you don't have a need/desire for sex.

So it’s like when your body reacts to something physically but mentally it doesn’t feel right? 

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