ConfusedAboutMyself

Can you please help me understand if I’m Ace or not?

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ConfusedAboutMyself

I’m trying to figure out if I’m Ace or not, or what kind of Ace since I’ve recently learned there are different types. Sometimes I feel like having sex and I do, but it feels like I’m disconnected from it; it feels good physically but emotionally/mentally it doesn’t feel like anything. But whenever I feel like I have a deeper connection with someone or I know that we actually care about each other, it feels good (which means I’m not ace right?) 

But I always thought that me being turned on, meant I wasn’t asexual even if I didn’t want to act on it (99% of the time I don’t want to react to it).

I’m starting to think I might be gray sexual but I don’t really understand what that means either.

 

I really appreciate all the help and I’m sorry of this isn’t the right place to post this sort of thing. 

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ConfusedButHere

 Hm, I guess the question lies more in if you ever feel sexually attracted to others more than your relationship with sex.

 

Enjoying sex wouldn't invalidate you from being ace! Afterall, its meant to feel good biologically, like relieving an itch lol. Also, arousal and libido doesn't necessarily equate to attraction, which is the main factor in being ace. If you want I can lead you to a list of terms and gray sexualities that can help you better understand what's going on?

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Ficto.

The main difference between sexuals and asexuals is that asexuals lack an innate desire to connect sexually with other people for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. Sexual people are sometimes drawn to connect sexually with certain other people (instead of just masturbating alone) and that's what makes them sexual :)

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Star Lion
4 hours ago, FictoCannibal. said:

The main difference between sexuals and asexuals is that asexuals lack an innate desire to connect sexually with other people for sexual and/or emotional pleasure. Sexual people are sometimes drawn to connect sexually with certain other people (instead of just masturbating alone) and that's what makes them sexual :)

We prefer not to use sexual because you could say that an asexual that’s sexually active is a sexual person. Using the term allosexual is much more clear

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Star Lion

So here are a few different kinds of aces you could possibly relate with:

•The completely asexual person who likes to have sex but doesn’t feel sexual attraction. They aren’t motivated to have sex with a specific person, they just like the feeling of having sex

•Gray Asexual: A catch all term for people who don’t feel sexually attracted to people as often as about 99% of the population (allosexuals) do

•Demisexual: You only feel sexually attracted to people after forming a connecting bond with them

•Asexual who has high libido/sex drive and may see that sex is the way to get rid of it

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Homer
13 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

We prefer not to use sexual because you could say that an asexual that’s sexually active is a sexual person.

One could say that, but then one would be wrong.

 

However I think that grey might be more accurate than asexual here.

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Star Lion
12 minutes ago, Homer said:

One could say that, but then one would be wrong.

 

However I think that grey might be more accurate than asexual here.

Would they really be though? When I think of the word sexual, I think of a sex icon, a person who makes a lot of dirty jokes/comments, or a person who has sex a lot rather than thinking about attraction

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œddy
1 minute ago, Star Lion said:

Would they really be though? When I think of the word sexual, I think of a sex icon, a person who makes a lot of dirty jokes/comments, or a person who has sex a lot rather than attraction

Wordplay that happens to involve sexual innuendo doesn't make you a sexual person, I think I'm evidence of that!

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Homer
2 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

Would they really be though? When I think of the word sexual, I think of a sex icon, a person who makes a lot of dirty jokes/comments, or a person who has sex a lot rather than thinking about attraction

So when you think of someone who works out, you automatically think of Usain Bolt?

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Star Lion
1 minute ago, Homer said:

So when you think of someone who works out, you automatically think of Usain Bolt?

How does that even relate? And no I think of a body builder

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Star Lion
3 minutes ago, œddy said:

Wordplay that happens to involve sexual innuendo doesn't make you a sexual person, I think I'm evidence of that!

The person that you are isn’t evidence for the connotation of a word

 

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œddy
3 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

How does that even relate? And no I think of a body builder

because you came up with a very stereotypical view of what 99% of the population are like when it comes to sex

 

I don't even understand your second statement, I was just going off your earlier statement on what makes a sexual person

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Star Lion
2 minutes ago, œddy said:

because you came up with a very stereotypical view of what 99% of the population are like when it comes to sex

 

I don't even understand your second statement, I was just going off your earlier statement on what makes a sexual person

😂😂 ok I’m done. You’re obviously just not going to understand a thing I say and you took it the wrong way from the beginning

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TheAP

Some people do use sexual as the opposite of asexual. It may not be used the same way as people outside the ace community use it, but the meaning is clear in context, and it makes logical sense (since the "a" prefix means "not".) 

 

@ConfusedAboutMyself If you only rarely want to act on that feeling with anyone, you might be grey-asexual, which means only experiencing sexual attraction rarely.

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MichaelTannock

@ConfusedAboutMyself Welcome to AVEN!

 

If you experience Sexual Attraction, then you're not Asexual, but could be Greysexual if you experience it rarely, or even Demisexual if you only experience it after forming an emotional bond.

AVEN defines Sexual Attraction as an emotional response that results in a desire for sexual contact with another person.
Meaning an Asexual can still experience arousal if it doesn't result in that desire, and many do.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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ConfusedAboutMyself

Thank you all for the advice and helping me understand. I think  I might be demi or gray, since I never want to have with someone because they’re attractive. I can appreciate that they’re attractive but it doesn’t do anything for me lol. I find people attractive based on their personalities and who they are as people. 

I have had sex but only after knowing the person on deeper levels rather than based on looks, so I think that’s more demi than gray? There’s so many new terms for me to learn and I really appreciate the help 😊 

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whitetulips

You said that you enjoy sex when you have strong bond with someone. So I think you might be demisexual.

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œddy
2 hours ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

Thank you all for the advice and helping me understand. I think  I might be demi or gray, since I never want to have with someone because they’re attractive. I can appreciate that they’re attractive but it doesn’t do anything for me lol. I find people attractive based on their personalities and who they are as people. 

I have had sex but only after knowing the person on deeper levels rather than based on looks, so I think that’s more demi than gray? There’s so many new terms for me to learn and I really appreciate the help 😊 

Hope you've found an understanding about yourself and welcome, sorry about the nonsense in this thread! 

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Ficto.
15 hours ago, Star Lion said:

We prefer not to use sexual because you could say that an asexual that’s sexually active is a sexual person. Using the term allosexual is much more clear

I missed this when you first responded, sorry. Most sexual people find the term allosexual quite offensive (there was a bit of a blow-up about it here a few years ago) so now we use the term 'sexual' to identify a non-asexual person. The 'a' in asexual literally means 'without', so an asexual is without sexuality (ie without the desire to connect sexually with others).

 

You can't use a label like asexual but say you're also 'sexual', because that's like saying you're a Christian atheist, they cancel each other out :P

 

Also, an asexual person who is sexually active is still asexual. Asexual means they don't have an innate desire to have that sexual contact for their own pleasure, but they might still have sex for all sorts of reasons (eg: to have a baby, to make their sexual partner happy, to try to 'look straight', etc etc)

 

7 hours ago, ConfusedAboutMyself said:

Thank you all for the advice and helping me understand. I think  I might be demi or gray, since I never want to have with someone because they’re attractive. I can appreciate that they’re attractive but it doesn’t do anything for me lol. I find people attractive based on their personalities and who they are as people. 

I have had sex but only after knowing the person on deeper levels rather than based on looks, so I think that’s more demi than gray? There’s so many new terms for me to learn and I really appreciate the help 😊 

I do have to say that it's a myth perpetuated throughout the asexual community that all sexual people base their sexual desire/attraction solely on appearance. For many, many sexual people personality and a type of emotional bond are both a lot more important than looks, and for some, looks have literally zero impact on attraction. For me (I'm not asexual) I have to be drawn to the person on an emotional level before I can desire any form of intimacy with them, but before that emotional connection is formed I might even find them quite funny-looking!! :o Once that attraction towards their inner self forms though, their outward appearance becomes beautiful to me because their inner beauty shines through ^_^ Their inner qualities are the only important factor in my sexual attraction though, well, inner qualities and a form of emotional connection.

 

I'm not saying you can't ID however you want of course (it's up to you which label you feel most comfortable with!) I just wanted to clarify that appearance isn't that important to many sexual people and for some, it means literally nothing. For many others, it's a mixture of appearance, personality, and an emotional connection that sparks attraction. And yes, for some it literally is solely about appearance (and I have no interest in banging someone like that, lol). There's no one-box-fits-all here!!

 

Anyway, that aside, have some cute cupakes 😍

 

Image result for worlds cutest cake

 

 

 

 

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Tunes

Yeah, appearance isn't exactly what's meant by attraction. It's more whether you are "attracted" to the idea of having sex, innately. It's like wanting to have sex, not just because it "scratches that biological itch", or because your partner would appreciate it, or because you want to have a baby, but just because you legitimately like the idea of having sex with that person for sexual pleasure. If you never experience this, then you are asexual.

 

If you only experience this sometimes under very specific/odd circumstances, you are gray-asexual. If that circumstance is that they have to be someone that you are already highly attached to emotionally, then that is demisexual. All the other sexualities are just categories of gray-asexual and clarify what the conditions for feeling sexual attraction seem to be.

 

Otherwise, you are sexual.

 

And out of curiosity, what was it that made "allosexual" an offensive term? I mean, I only just heard the term for the first time a couple months ago...

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Philip027
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When I think of the word sexual, I think of a sex icon, a person who makes a lot of dirty jokes/comments, or a person who has sex a lot rather than thinking about attraction

Sounds like your own issue with the term, then.

 

Just so you know, there's quite a few English words that can be used both as a noun and an adjective/verb, while still being spelled the same way.  Context clues go a long way.

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Serran
5 hours ago, Tunes said:

 

 

And out of curiosity, what was it that made "allosexual" an offensive term? I mean, I only just heard the term for the first time a couple months ago...

1) It is used as a derogatory a lot by elitists elsewhere

2) Sexuals here just dislike it

3) In French-Canadian the word for queer (non-hetero, including aces...) is allosexuel (well, according to LGBT groups who have responded from there anyway). So, it is sometimes seen as appropriating their word and applying it to heterosexuals. 

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Tunes
43 minutes ago, Serran said:

1) It is used as a derogatory a lot by elitists elsewhere

2) Sexuals here just dislike it

3) In French-Canadian the word for queer (non-hetero, including aces...) is allosexuel (well, according to LGBT groups who have responded from there anyway). So, it is sometimes seen as appropriating their word and applying it to heterosexuals. 

:o I see! Good to know; thank you.

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ConfusedAboutMyself

Is it possible to be both gray and demi? Or does being one also encompass the other? 

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Tunes

Demi is a category of gray-a.

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ConfusedAboutMyself
11 minutes ago, Tunes said:

Demi is a category of gray-a.

Oh ok. Since demis do seem to have sex for pleasure/fun/closeness (right? If I’m wrong I’m sorry) that’s what kind of confused me about it being a kind of ace

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Tunes

Yeah, gray-a is anything that is not really asexual but not exactly sexual either. It's everything that falls in between, like people who do experience sexual attraction, but only rarely or under odd conditions. Demisexuals do experience sexual attraction, but only under specific circumstances, and are otherwise ace. So they are gray-a. Of course, I don't think gray-a is a term that's really understood outside of the ace community - the rest of society seems to be struggling to grasp asexuality at all, so we've kept it simple for them. :P 

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ConfusedAboutMyself

That kinda makes sense. I’m still trying to grasp all of these new terms and see how they apply to me. 

I still don’t know if I’m demi or gray though, but all of the support I’ve been getting from this chat has been really helpful and I greatly appreciate it! ❤️ 

This might be a stupid question but, can I still be Ace (of any variety lol) and still be straight or does being attracted to the opposite make me straight straight (allosexual I think is the term for people who are attracted to males right?) 

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ConfusedAboutMyself

And are there any tips for explaining this to partners or family? Although I feel like explaining this to family isn’t as important as it is to partners (not that it’s unimportant for the people in your life to understand you, I just feel like my mom has always kinda known what i am without knowing there’s a word for it, you know?) I honestly never thought I’d be in this situation so it’s a little odd for me to think about it 

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Philip027
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I still don’t know if I’m demi or gray though,

Demi is a subset of gray.  If you are demi, you are potentially gray.  Some would say that demi is an expression of perfectly normal sexuality, but the thing is, the gray category is specifically for people that don't feel like they can neatly fit into either the sexual or asexual category, and many demisexual experiences result in this sort of feeling.

 

Quote

This might be a stupid question but, can I still be Ace (of any variety lol) and still be straight or does being attracted to the opposite make me straight straight (allosexual I think is the term for people who are attracted to males right?) 

That depends whether you think "straight" must mean "heterosexual".  Maybe to most of society it does, but that's because society does not recognize things like romantic orientation.

 

To me, straight doesn't necessarily mean heterosexual.  Heterosexual means heterosexual.  As far as I'm concerned, if you look to the opposite sex for any sort of partnership that goes beyond Just Friends, that makes you straight.

 

Allosexual is just an unofficial catch-all term for someone who's not asexual.  Most people here will simply address them as sexuals, though, quite possibly because the former makes it sound like you think the allosaurus is hot.

 

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