Unsure if teenage years were hormones, or if i'm not ace...?

[aceunderfire]

The more I think about this, the more I wonder. To be honest, my memories of my teen and early adult hears are kind of hazy. I just have a bad long term memory, so it's not exclusive to this.

 

I've realized over the past few months that the fact that I have a libido but don't experience sexual attraction to anyone can still mean i'm asexual. The problem is, I almost feel like when my wife and I were teenagers, that I felt attraction, but in retrospect, I don't know if that was the case, or if I was just feeling like we had a strong relationship and that of course meant I must be attracted to her. It could also be that I didn't feel that attraction to anyone, but I felt like if I had sex I would find that act that made me feel attraction.

 

In a lot of ways, I was sex repulsed into my early adult years. I didn't want to talk about it, hear about it, etc. I 100% never wanted a romance or sexual relationship with a male, but I felt like I could do it with a woman, even if I didn't feel attraction per se...? 

 

Honestly, memory is so inconsistent, it's hard to know for sure. I also wonder how hormonal changes affect you in that stage of life, I simply don't know. I could have been confusing having a libido for being attracted to people, because I honestly thought they were the same thing until a few months ago.

 

At least for the years I remember more vividly, I know I never experienced sexual attraction. In some ways, I feel like I always had a more 'they're pretty' aesthetic reaction to someone occasionally rather than sexual attraction.

 

Wondering if others have had similar experiences.

[Cheshire-Cat]

I know what you mean. It's hard sometimes to remember exactly what you felt. I think I used to mix sexual and romantic attraction up with being cared for but as I grew in confidence that diminished. Looking back I don't think I've ever really been sexually attracted to anyone, other than noticing someone looked aesthetically pleasing as you say.

[aceunderfire]

7 hours ago, Cheshire-Cat said:

I know what you mean. It's hard sometimes to remember exactly what you felt. I think I used to mix sexual and romantic attraction up with being cared for but as I grew in confidence that diminished. Looking back I don't think I've ever really been sexually attracted to anyone, other than noticing someone looked aesthetically pleasing as you say.

I feel like that really resonates with me. I tried sex because I was told that as humans that's what we do. I remember so many instances where I just did not understand the 'OMG that person is so hot' mentality, because yeah, they're pretty, but it doesn't mean any more to me than a pretty painting of a landscape. I have a libido, but I don't feel like if I never have sex with anyone ever again that I'm somehow missing something- actually I'd prefer it, and I've felt that for as long as I can remember. I want closeness, but sex just isn't important to me.