My Ace who wasn't

[Allbran]

I'm cis-female hetero. He was cis-gender asexual. We dated for a year in high school, never more than light smooches, mainly emotional bond.

 

Zoom forward 15 years, we reconnect long distance. He is virginal, asexual, sex-averse, with a fun career and still delightful to be around.

 

My initial thought was to be overjoyed, he is same wonderful cuddly person. A year later we decide to meet up and do some adventuring, we rent diving gear, have a blast.

 

But it got physical quickly, like he went from 30 years of 'sex is gross waste of time that distracts from the important things and is nasty' to PLEASE TOUCH ME THERE in a matter of three days. We agreed not to have hetero coital type sex as it would be too much of a change for him but let's say he's not celibate anymore.

 

This left him with an obviously broken sense of identify and also really longing for me physically. He had trouble even talking about it, having to use metaphors like he was a Victorian Fine Lady trying to tell a plumber she clogged the flush toilet.

 

We each work in demanding fields and both travel internationally. After whatever the hell happened happened we remained in close touch but things kept not working out. We planned a week at a theme park as I was there for a conference and could extend the trip. The morning he was to drive up there was a major auto disaster on his street, with a bunch of parked cars mangled by a big SUV.  He had days of police reports and insurance agents to deal with so we had to cancel.

 

When he was next free, I had to go on an extensive trip for work that occured with no notice.  Schedules just didn't smooth out. And then ny mom got sick...

 

It's got to the point where we seriously discussed me meeting him in Asia during his bussiness trip next week because apparenly we can't be in the same U.S. city at the same time.

 

In late November there is a beautiful, glowing open place on both our calendars.

 

Since it has been over a year of missed in-person meetups, he has settled back into a celebate life. At one point he was desperate for physicality, asking me for dating advice. Nothing came of it and he is no longer looking for other women.

 

I haven't been back to the dating pool because I'd like to make this work and he and I are both monogamous people.

 

But I can't help thinking that part of the reason we weren't able to make a weekend meet up function (after several planned shared vacations legitimately crashed and burned) is that he still has no idea how to interact with his sexual identity and so there is hesitancy.

 

The latest metaphor is that we will be planning a pizza party in November. In a hotel room. Clothing optional. With smooches. And one bed.

 

We are planning a hook-up tryst and he can't directly verbalize it. That makes some alarm bells go off.

 

I was fine with asexual, fine with sexual, I'm good with demi-semi-pan- or poly-, I like HIM. But he doesn't seem to be comfortable in an identity and he can't be the previous asexual man he was.

 

We talk every day or every other day. We generally like the same things, and greatly respect each other's accomplisments, with matching religious, political, and aesthetic values (except that I like fancy food and he does not.) There is a comfort that we knew each other as teens because it is easy to see past the weight of years and know who the person is under the pressure of social roles, work, money, etc. We were awkward lost kids, what was seen cannot be unseen.

 

If you were in his position, what could you imagine it being like? Is there something a partner could do or not do to make things easer? Is there a gentle way to approach this?

 

The emotional bond is getting stronger and we are starting to depend on each other for day to day support.  But I'm worried that with where he is at he'll end up confused and embarassed and not sure who he is again.

 

[Telecaster68]

There's a lot in here about what he wants. What do you want, for you?

 

Do you think he's actually perfectly comfortable with how things are - emotional intimacy but nothing physical? Or if there is physical, it's limited in time to trysts, or emotionally to hookups, without the full-fat intimacy of a relationship?

 

Maybe it's nothing to do with orientation, since now he's discovered he actively likes sex (assuming he's not just trying to convince himself - this is something a lot of aces have said they tried for a while). From how you've described it, I'm getting a definite whiff of avoidance, and I'm guessing that's your gut feeling too. 

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like he's Greysexual. Greysexuals experience Sexual Attraction rarely, or under specific circumstances, so a Greysexual could spend years thinking they're Asexual.
If he's feeling lost and scared at the realisation that he's not Asexual, I recommend bringing this possibility up with him.

 

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

@Allbran Hi! Welcome to heAVEN! Have !

[Guest]

When I first figured out I'm not ace, I was confused. And, I wasn't sure what I wanted.. exactly. I needed to take things slow and figure it out. 

 

But, if he was repulsed, he might still have some issues to work on. A counselor might be a good idea for him, tbh, to figure out how to talk about it without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. But, that has to be his thing to figure out. You can't push it. 

[Starlit Sky]

A couple years ago I went through some things that made me really wonder whether or not I was asexual like I thought, and once I finally experienced the innate desire I was . . . conflicted. On one hand I wasn't bothered by it, and plus that would make things easier in potential relationships with sexual people; on the other hand I definitely was bothered, because I had grown really attached to the asexual label. And that was only two to three years of identifying as ace, by the way, not even half a decade, and it was still really uncomfortable.

 

But I agree with Telecaster, that maybe you should think a good deal about what you really want from all of this.

 

I also want to point out . . . it really is okay to see other people when you're just "talking" to someone like this . . . but it really kinda sounds like you've fallen for him a good deal. Would you say you're in love?

[anamikanon]

14 hours ago, Allbran said:

I was fine with asexual, fine with sexual, I'm good with demi-semi-pan- or poly-, I like HIM. But he doesn't seem to be comfortable in an identity and he can't be the previous asexual man he was.

This is his thing to deal with. Support him, but don't try to solve him for himself. It is his journey.

 

If you are fine with any which way he resolves his sexual identity, proceed with honest enthusiasm, so he knows exactly where he stands and that becomes one less guesswork for him to factor in. You trying to resolve his issues will keep making it seem conditional for him, like there is one "right" answer you are expecting him to arrive at, or arriving at an answer is right, etc.

 

Also, nothing wrong with being ACE and enjoying sex. I've had my ACE dying for my touch on many occasions. It is just like Disneyland. Fantastic experience, but not something he wants to do daily. But once in the mood, he is perfectly capable of wanting to have sex very much. In fact, he actually had a sexual affair (if one occasion in a relationship can be called so) before he realized he was asexual and he was horny enough for "the idea of her" to get into it by cheating on me, in spite of me being polyamorous. He was too uncomfortable to talk about it, so concealed it, but he was horny enough to pursue it! It didn't last for many reasons, but his idea of wanting sex is once in a blue moon and he actually just enjoyed spending time with her.... :eyeroll:

 

In the sense, he doesn't have to lose his identity to be himself. If he changes dramatically, other labels may seem attractive. If he identifies as asexual, that is fine too.