coquettishgrin

A-cceptance

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coquettishgrin

Hi there, 

 

Brand new to the group and thankful this community exists. Apologies in advance if this is a well-trodden topic. Just let me know and I will delete. I have had suspicions that I might be a-sexual for a few years now. I'm 33 and - as a single person in LA - people are almost constantly talking about dating. I feel alien and removed from these conversations. I started to feel like I identified with asexuality around this time. However, there are conflicting suspicions. Around the same time I lost my attraction to others or the desire for sex I had a couple of monumental experiences: I lost my mother and my sister, I was diagnosed as type-1 diabetic, and I lost my company (partly due to the effects of going through the stages of diabetes.) We're four years out from that and I still have no libido. None. There was even a time I felt (truly) like I was a 200 year old woman around friends in my same age group (late 20s). Now, I still wish that this is a hormonal disorder because of the effects that is has on my personal life and my ability to relate with people my age on a very popular topic. My query is this: how do you know for certain (I guess) if your long term asexuality is conditional or if it is here to stay. And, if it is something that came about after years of a healthy sexual appetite, how do you reckon with your new life. How do you relate to others? How do you manage you own desires to have desire? And, what do you do with all the spare time left from not having a crush to fixate on? I'm struggling and would really appreciate any words from people who may have empathy or experience that is similar? Thanks so much. 

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chemista

I'm in my 40's, asexual pan-romantic, and I only figured out the asexual part of my identity about 10 years ago. A little while later, I went through a traumatic event which eventually lead to a complete shift of my support network, and a major change of career, and moving across the county. So even though I haven't faced the serious problems you have, I completely empathize with feeling like maybe so many changes have occurred that it's really hard to honestly know yourself and your sexuality.

 

For me, I would say that time and self-reflection helped me recognize that I never had a 'healthy sexual appetite'. I can enjoy sex when it helps me build a stronger romantic relationship with a partner, and when it makes my partner happier. But there are lots of activities I enjoy in that same sense - cooking together, hiking, discussing books... Looking back, I can see that the desire to have a "normal healthy relationship" motivated a lot of my sexual behavior. I often viewed sex not as something I passionately desired, but as something I wanted to want, because it felt like the most likely path to finding a stable relationship.  Even though I had many sexual relationships, inside I always felt like I was trying to figure out why I wasn't more enthusiastic and attracted. By recognizing that I am not sexually attracted to others, I understand myself better and can be more authentically myself. 

 

I find that it's in some ways its easier to relate to others. For example,  now when I read a book / watch a show, I understand that it may be a really different experience for me experiencing it as an asexual than it is for people experiencing it through other lenses, so that might give us something to talk about. I get involved with groups who are interested in more than talking about dating (people who go hiking, play board games, volunteer groups, political causes...)  and I give myself the alone-time I need to feel recharged and rested. Reaching out to a therapist, and having online communities has helped me develop a better understanding of my individual identity.

 

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Laplace

Gah, that’s a rough series of events to go through, esp. at such a relatively young age ☹️. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t experience a decrease in interest in romance/sex (and just life in general ☹️) after those repeated gut punches. Acute stress can definitely make you feel 200 years old 😫. I’m a likely lifelong aro ace, but I can offer my opinion on the matter. If you were previously romantic and sexual, I imagine that, if you’re current lack of interest distresses you, you can probably regain those feelings. I’m not exactly sure how but still you don’t need to accept that they’re gone for good. Traumatic events can harden your emotions and make it difficult to enjoy things you may have liked previously. On the other hand, if you feel like this is the new you then hopefully the site and other members can help you sort out how you feel. 🙂

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't know how you can be sure.
I'm also 33, I believe I've always been Asexual, but I've had traumatic experiences that have made me question this.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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Enzic

Welcome to AVEN

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DunnoM

Welcome to Aven 🍰🍰🍰 

 

I can relate to your story, and I wish you find your healing path and rediscover yourself.

 

15 hours ago, Laplace said:

Gah, that’s a rough series of events to go through, esp. at such a relatively young age ☹️. I’d be more surprised if you didn’t experience a decrease in interest in romance/sex (and just life in general ☹️) after those repeated gut punches. Acute stress can definitely make you feel 200 years old 

In my experience, I went through what Laplace described. Life punched me in the face repeatedly and during this I lost a loved one. What helped me is accepting what happened as it is and working on whatever I had. After that, I took time to figure out many things I was oblivious to before, and I really benefitted from this self-reflection. However, I am still struggling to find friends. 

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